(Possible) HVM single dad… starting to date one. How does this work? How do I get my needs met? 🤨

CuntWaffe · 2021-06-19T18:06:19+00:00

How to get needs met:

-tell them what your needs are

-they meet them, great!

-they don't meet them, move on

alphasquish · 2021-06-19T17:19:38+00:00

Single mom here that broke off an engagement with a single dad. Here’s some things I would absolutely observe/ask directly:

how long has he been divorced and/or out of his most recent LTR
what’s the situation with the ex
is there a significant age gap
do you have children also
how old are the kids, what is their behavior like
what is his parenting style
does he take care of his home
does he have any pets and if so, are they properly cared for

This is just to start with. If you don’t have children, I would highly recommend not getting involved with a single dad. He could theoretically be the most HV man in the world, but if there are significant ex and/or kid issues, it can and most likely will devolve into a miserable situation. Keep in mind also that a HVM will not be out there dating if he is still experiencing significant post-divorce fallout or there are serious problems with the ex or kids (think custody modifications or behavioral problems). Someone that is HV has the emotional intelligence to handle their shit before inviting a potential partner into their life. Keep in mind these things may also happen in the future if you are involved with a single parent, but you should not start a relationship with these things happening from the get go.

Not to say that HV single dads don’t exist, but you need to vet extra carefully. He is a package deal, and step parenting is not something to take on lightly. Read the single dad posts on here, and check out the stepparents sub on Reddit. It’s very easy to get sucked into the orbit of the sweet, bumbling single dad. Don’t fall into that. Vet, observe, read, and walk away if you need to.

Basic-Fruit-6502 · 2021-06-19T16:55:58+00:00

How old are you and how old is he?

How old is the child?

Does he talk rubbish about how she is crazy and “wOn’T LeT mE sEe ThE kIdS”?

There are many possible red flags with single dads

We need more info I think! 💖

straightouttashtetl · 2021-06-19T16:42:08+00:00

Okay so how have you been able to determine he's HV?

How old are the kids? How often does he see them? Why are he and the mother no longer together? What has he told you specifically?

If you're asking how to get your needs met this is already the start of a red flag. If he isn't meeting them and you're seeking advice, then why? Why isn't he meeting those needs? You're just starting to date him from what the title implies. Don't take yourself off the market for him.

Edit: I'm gonna add my experience for clarity on why I'm asking a million questions.

I met this seemingly nice and good-looking man when I was in university. I was 20, he was 29 (🚩). He had an 8yo (🚩) that he coparented with his ex. Never talked bad about her, all seemed good. The child was nice. Found out after a couple dates he'd still casually sleep with his ex (🚩), he wanted to be official after only going on dates for a month (🚩) and I caught him going through my phone while I was in the bathroom (🚩). We weren't exclusive so for me that was it. I was also casually dating others and I'm sure he saw on my phone that I was getting asked out by who would be my first LTR.

Mind you I vetted pretty hard and this only went on for a month before I put the kibosh on it.

So what did he do in retaliation? He and two friends broke into my home when I was out of town, stole my undergarments and my family heirlooms. Some of those heirlooms were up to 300 years old and restored. I'll never get those back. All because I wouldn't go steady and he likely noticed that another man was interested.

Moral of this: there's a reason they're single dads

NowTruly · 2021-06-19T21:43:18+00:00

Dating before the divorce is finalized? No. That is the literal opposite of an HVM.

Getting a divorce from the mother of your two children IS A BIG DEAL. If they tried working on the relationship, even more so. The post-mortem of a marriage with children merits a long and reflective pause. Chasing women before it’s even signed is not a mature reaction.

Plus … honestly? It sounds like some trickle truth, where he’s admitting some of what he did (going on dates) but not all of it (they fucked). In case she finds some evidence of these women, he’s preemptively covered himself.

Add that to the dash of lovebombing, where he “saved” himself after the divorce for his one true love (OP), and you’ve got the makings of a true energy vampire.

Get up from that table, sis. Your needs will not be met there.

NotYourCirce · 2021-06-19T18:28:06+00:00

Is he a single dad because mom died, or did he marry a woman, have her bear his children, then treat her poorly? I’d be very careful about the circumstances because he could actually be just another irresponsible man who doesn’t think about how his actions affect others. Personally I’d just avoid single dads

katiekat0214 · 2021-06-20T00:34:35+00:00

I'm 53, and was married twice, 25 years total, widowed now close to six years. I'm also childfree by choice. In my experience, most men want an intelligent pack mule to run their lives. One easy way to see if his interest is real is keep on living apart, and keep finances separate. Every single time some single dad approaches me, it's clear he can't adult, doesn't want to raise his own kids, and wants to find a willing, young, naive woman to dump them on while he runs off and works uninterrupted and has fun (or "fun"). Big no thanks to all of that. Buy a house on the same street if you must... but having your own space, not moving in and not being a bang-maid kills a lot of so-called "love" really quickly. Don't be dumped on; don't take over his life.

Basic-Fruit-6502 · 2021-06-19T17:32:21+00:00

As most single dads go after literal adolescent teenagers, it’s a massive red flag and it might be the one which can make or break the whole relationship as single dads will do anything to make the ex jealous and males think we get jealous over them wanting to date adolescents.

If there is an age gap? RUN.

Lavender_flow · 2021-06-19T23:01:33+00:00

This guy is not high value that is for sure. I was reading the comments. He was dating before the separation was final 🚨🚨🚨 hell no. His kids are teenagers- so this means he is old. How old are you? You haven't been answering so I am guessing an age gap 🚩🚩🚩

Stop calling men who aren't high value for HVM. For God's sake. It is really muddying the waters. This guy is low value and if you keep dating him you will experience exactly what FDS is trying to warn you about.

redbirdflies · 2021-06-19T22:21:46+00:00

If he doesn’t describe his experience with his ex as ‘something that could’ve worked if he put more effort into it”. That’s a red flag. My ex is an amazing dad, he was a terrible partner who had anxiety that erupted into angry outbursts and if he would’ve gone to therapy, we’d probably still be a happy family. Yes, I wasn’t perfect either. BUT, most of the time, the demise of a relationship involves TWO people, and unless his ex is a mental basket case (they have 50/50 custody so that’s probably not the case) he’s likely to have done something to cause the separation. Big red flag

Also, do you see yourself as a mother figure?,because, if he has 50/50 custody, that’s what you will be. So, if you can’t see yourself in the role of nurturer, helper, losing one on one time with your man, dealing with some baby mama drama etc, just walk away

veniphyl · 2021-06-19T19:21:55+00:00

That's one stupid life choice. Do you really think you will come first? Of course not, it will always be his child, his ex, then maybe you.

honumaluhia · 2021-06-20T04:24:39+00:00

Why do you keep avoiding the age gap question? How old are you and how old is he?

Title	(Possible) HVM single dad… starting to date one. How does this work? How do I get my needs met? 🤨
Author	UmmmHiHello
Upvotes	42
Comments	61
Date	June 19, 2021 4:39 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/o3k3gx/possible_hvm_single_dad_starting_to_date_one_how/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/possible-hvm-single-dad-starting-to-date-one-how.785464 https://theredarchive.com/post/785464