Serious question, do any of you not want to get married?

DrippingWetPeach · 2021-12-08T23:42:08+00:00

I do, but preferably to a woman. A man is plan C, generally speaking.

CatSweets · 2021-12-08T22:48:36+00:00

I don't want to get married. I don't want to have children either, so marriage for me would be useless. I'm in my thirties, I like to live alone, but I would like to have a committed relationship. The concept of "living apart together" appeals to me more than marriage, but I know it's more common for older people. I don't know if I'll ever get an arrangement the way I want it, but I hope for it.

TheEverlastingLaze · 2021-12-09T01:17:23+00:00

I won’t ever marry again.

I’m currently experiencing the fallout from ending an abusive, one-sided marriage. A man I believed truly loved me now threatens my life, has not seen nor requested to see his two very young children in almost a year, and has not put up a penny of child support. All this because he wants to “punish” me for leaving- as if being with him for almost twenty years wasn’t punishment enough.

I’m totally disillusioned when it comes to marriage. Women almost always get the bad end of the bargain.

I wish I had known and followed FDS principles before committing. Thankfully I was aware of them and kept them in mind as I navigated post-separation dating. I’m now with a wonderful HVM who in under a year and a half, has brought up marriage on a number of occasions. I wonder sometimes what it would have been like had I met him first… sadly, I didn’t. I won’t change my stance on marriage though. I feel so much freer now without a ring on my finger.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-12-08T22:25:44+00:00

My late husband was a HVM, so I know it’s possible. If the chance came to me once more, I’d go for it. I would like to grow old with someone who has my back just like I have his. While my friends will never let me crash and burn, they have their own families and it would be a LV move to impose on that.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-12-08T21:59:21+00:00

I don't ever want to get married. It's like having a trap tied around your leg that impedes your life and mobility. By never getting married or living with another human being (shudder), I can essentially pick up my purse and walk my fine ass out the door Lizzo-style anytime I want.

Edit: I ghosted my piece of shit ex after 5+ years together, I'll happily do it again

FireflySky86 · 2021-12-08T22:35:15+00:00

Examples of marriage growing up are unappealing and mostly ended in divorce. The nature of my family dynamics made me feel stressed out even thinking of planning a wedding, but since most of those ties have been severed it's less of a concern now.

Even before finding FDS, I've been wary about legally/ financially tying myself to another person. I would like to have a partnership with someone with that level of commitment, but I don't know what that would look like and I'm a bit gun shy about "marriage." I don't think I'm completely opposed, but someone is gonna have to be a really special person to have me accept.

I'm also completely fine with the idea of being single/ dating.

BasieSkanks · 2021-12-08T23:27:09+00:00

I am not desperate to marry. I would only consider it if we planned on sharing assets or having children. Otherwise I am happy to have a companion.

Platipus6 · 2021-12-09T02:22:25+00:00

He'd have to be amazing, and most men are not.

I'd consider dating a man until he starts slacking then eject.

Novemberinthechair · 2021-12-08T22:21:37+00:00

Yeah, don't want to. I never had the inspiration to get married. Men have been very disappointing for me. So, I'll pass.

Valentcat · 2021-12-08T23:00:41+00:00

The Betty Broderick story truly scarred me for life. Not that what she did was right, but he (and his mistress) really pushed her to the very edge. The idea of this happening also terrifies me. Just try to make good family lawyer friends prior to marriage. :)

Biracial_tooth_fairy · 2021-12-08T22:18:04+00:00

I do want to get married.. but yeah.... he's going to have to be really fucking amazing

legoflowers · 2021-12-08T22:57:39+00:00

I’m very much interested in the “here and now” rather than the “future forever”. For example, at the exact moment I’m out eating vegan sushi enjoying my own company. I’m not going to be spending time with anyone special but myself.

I have decided that all relationships end, whether by breakup, cheating, divorce, or death. To that end, I’ve decided that a marriage might not be the ultimate pursuit it’s made out to be. In March, I have a trip to Vieques, PR planned for a week. In 2023, I’ve set my sites to living in Spain for a month as a self study of the language. That’s the future that I have planned for myself.

People are always saying “Well, a marriage is work.” Excuse me, but if I’m not being monetarily compensated, I don’t work. I find that emotional labor is (and, rightfully so) expected to be done out of love and therefore, for free. But, am I the type of person who works for free? No. So, because it is so oft acknowledged that a marriage is “hard work”, and I know I don’t like to work, much less for free, I’m not going to stress myself about getting married, or even being in a relationship with a man for the long term.

The men that will frequent my life will only be around so long as their presence makes me happy. I’m not interested in arguing or compromising, in any way. I’m not interested in letting men have any exigency or authority over the way I live.

The reason, is that the way I look at it, I’ve got roughly 80 livable years on the earth to travel, learn, eat, drink, and adopt animals. To spend even a drop of those precious years concerned with keeping a marriage together no longer interests me. There’s just so much to do!

AnniaT · 2021-12-08T23:23:52+00:00

I think there's no fast set rules. If you don't want to marry and don't see advantage in that then that's perfectly valid. I think FDS views on marriage are more to avoid situations where the woman WANTS to marriage but the man is LVM and is stringing her along as a forever girlfriend. It is also because marriage to a HVM is usually beneficial. If he's a HVM and if marrying is of advantage to both then I see no issue in marrying. It takes luck and careful long term veting to find a HVM and have a relationship worthy of marriage. Many of us despite leveling up won't find a HVM. Also women that make lots of money should be careful with marriage. But the same is valid for women in poverty as being married to someone we're fully dependent on is a big risk.

TLDR: you need to do what brings more advantage to you and what you truly want and feel comfortable with. Both are valid.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-12-08T22:00:50+00:00

I was married for many years. I don't recommend it. I never would again.

PinkBlair99 · 2021-12-08T22:07:22+00:00

👋

PrettyPancakePolice · 2021-12-08T22:50:21+00:00

I just don't see the appeal of weddings or being married. There's no practical reason to get married and I think weddings are boring and expensive. If my partner would want to get married, I'd consider it. But I guess I'm just not that romantic.

Seems like marriage is more important in the US than in Sweden. My parents were engaged for 10 years before they got married, it really wasn't important to them.

SakuraGirl88 · 2021-12-08T23:30:39+00:00

I'm not in a rush to get married. But in the past, I did dream of having a wedding and all the fanfare, and I admittedly still do in some way (thanks Disney). But men are just bleh!

grmpygills · 2021-12-08T22:08:31+00:00

I am in zero rush to get married. So many other things to do and frankly I hate weddings.

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-08T22:46:09+00:00

I knew from single digits I very much wanted to marry, and also knew from single digits I never wanted kids. Here I am, 53, twice married for 25 years, childfree, no regrets. There are some things you find out as you live, and some things, I'm convinced, you just come here knowing. I had a strong, inborn vocation for marriage, but I had to do it twice, because I wanted to be married AND be happy. Second time was it, happy for 17 years together with my late HVM who left me very comfortable so that I don't *have* to work. Still want to; I'm 53, young yet, and want to re-consider permanent retirement when I'm 70. I have a forever home I want to build and pay off.

That said, not a third time, mainly because I've had my second happy marriage; he was an older man with health issues. No more caregiving ever again unless it is a close family member, and I'm all for hiring help as needed, and NOT going it alone. I've been happily married, now onto next, other great life adventures.

My reasoning is this: I have assets I want to leave to family or whomever I choose; I don't want any man getting his mitts on what I've worked a lifetime to accumulate, as well as what I've inherited, and want to keep in the family. I don't want to live with anyone ever again. No extra cooking or cleaning. No being vulnerable to weaponized incompetence and the fighting that goes along with that. No being with someone who gets comfortable and lets himself go.

I absolutely refuse to be a step-parent; being a step-mother is the most hated role in all of Western civilization. It's an inherently overstepping, invasive role. I personally have never seen a truly blended family; all the step-families I've ever seen, mine included where we all liked and loved each other, were roughly, loosely stitched together, then came apart immediately as soon as all children could leave the nest and establish their own households. My step-mother died in 2015, and I don't think I'll ever speak to or see my step-siblings again. I love and like them, but two live in another state, and one lives in a close city but has real mental/emotional problems.

I've seen my share of happy marriages where both people center each other, check in every day, and do the work/labor to keep their union strong, happy, chugging right along. With the right person who is also reciprocal, mutual, caring, kind, understanding, the work doesn't feel like work; it's a labor of love that keeps on giving to both people. You have to find a man who has renounced toxic masculinity, who gets it, who's a feminist, a humanitarian, an egalitarian. You have to vibe together and agree down the line on the Big Five: sex, children, religion, housework, money. Disagree on one, and a relationship is in jeopardy; disagree on two or more, and it's a matter of time until you break up for good.

Good relationships are out there. Happy marriages do exist. Vet always, never stop.

wonkyeyes8877 · 2021-12-09T00:50:34+00:00

I don't think I could ever trust a man enough to get married.

sofiacarolina · 2021-12-09T01:28:43+00:00

I don’t want to get married, I never have. It’s a patriarchal bargain I don’t wanna be a part of- the stats for women who are married aren’t good. Unmarried women are happier and live longer while married men are happier and live longer because of all the labor women tend to put in (esp if children are in the picture, which I also don’t want any part of). Of course you can try to change the dynamics as much as possible and try to find a HVM so that it’ll be diff but I think it’d be like pushing a boulder up a hill. I also don’t like how much harder marriage makes it for women to leave men due to all of the legal proceedings that entail a divorce. I just don’t see how marriage benefits women at all.

Ive always just wanted a monogamous committed ‘life partner’ to share a child free life with (double income no kids - DINK life).

d33n3r_ · 2021-12-09T13:17:19+00:00

I’m anti marriage as an institution as a radical feminist, while maybe our generation is far removed from the original intention of marriage, it’s still based in the sexual and reproductive subjugation of women. I would personally rather not contribute to its existence, but I am in a long term committed relationship. I also don’t want kids.

Healingirl · 2021-12-08T22:13:55+00:00

Yes I want to... because I don't want a man to have his cake and eat it too. Basically don't want to make it easy on them, especially if I have to have children with him. It's just showing commitment, don't want a half-in man, no thanks.

But I also believe in divorce, will always keep savings so that I can leave anytime and will never depend financially on a man.

And finally, it'll take a very special man for me to marry him with very strict vetting.

Either that or I stay on my own but no in-between with half arsed men.

'Cause we are queens and we deserve it.

NotSoBunny · 2021-12-08T23:12:49+00:00

I'm super sketch about it. I'm usually the bread winner so all those "benefits," I don't see them as benefits. FDS has opened me up more to the possible benefits of it and I'm open to considering it with a prenup. I mean, I'm not the breadwinner in this relationship but it is pretty comparable. And I've had too many people try to drain me dry and while I do not get those red flags from my SO, I do not trust anyone. Vet, vet vet, always. You gotta protect yourself and your assets.

mashibeans · 2021-12-08T23:36:37+00:00

Only if I was 99% sure he was HVM, otherwise not a chance in hell, can just go either single or date in the meantime.

None of the relationships I've seen through my life are good, with the exception of ONE. I'm almost 40, and saw several different generations, related to those people in different ways (friends, family, acquaintances, work connections, etc) and out of aaaaall that sample pool, I only realized one marriage/relationship seemed good.

Also, you have to be careful with other arrangements, as in some countries they can still treat you as kinf of a married couple if you live together, etc., and scam you. I've seen several examples in this sub and a few others, of women having to pay alimony to their disgusting, parasitical, LVM ex, even when they weren't technically married. The law in those places caught on to the fact some people were avoiding marriage exactly because it's a fucking mess to divorce (and often at the disadvantage of women) and found ways to keep on fucking you over.

plomerst · 2021-12-08T23:43:47+00:00

I have always wanted to get married but now, after FDS, I am not so sure how that’s going to go. I was already very skeptical of men and cynical in a way, but now it’s at an ultimate high level. Now that I kind of understand the true nature of many men and the conditioning of many men, it is going to be extremely difficult for me to engage with a man and not see through a façade. Good news is I am much less likely to end up in an abusive or unhappy situation. And I won’t say that it’s the bad news, but the reality news is that I will have an incredibly difficult time finding a suitable male partner. When I see men now and they’re grinning or staring or scowling at me, I have absolutely no reaction.

miss_kay4 · 2021-12-09T01:07:47+00:00

I’ve never dreamed of getting married or having kids. Perhaps if the right person came around, I would possibly consider it. But after my last toxic relationship ended I’m really enjoying being single and focusing on my self.

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2021-12-09T03:35:45+00:00

I was married but my LVX just walked out never to be heard from again. A judge signed an order and our marriage is over.

After that, I don’t want to get married again. It just seems like marriage isn’t real and therefore not really worthwhile.

extragouda · 2021-12-09T12:22:34+00:00

I detest weddings. Even my own. It felt like I was being sold into slavery. I think if I meet the right person, someone who will always have my back, someone who is dependable, trustworthy, sincere, loyal, kind, generous, responsible, clean and tidy, shares my values and is nice to look at, someone I can grow old with, maybe I will change my mind. It would be great if someone was so amazing that they could change my mind about weddings. I'm not even asking for much. I just want them to bring as much to the relationship as the minimum that I bring to everything.

But because I have lived for this long without finding such a person, I highly doubt I ever will. I also know so many married couples where the husband has no problem saying derogatory things about his wife to his friends in her absence. So many men relax into fatness and laziness when they marry. You can see it happening as soon as two weeks into the marriage, it's like they stop trying. They stop shaving. They bring tupperwares of elaborate meals to work. They go around looking like someone ironed their shirts and dressed them. Heterosexual "love" is bleak.

I have only been attracted to two men in my life. Once in 1994 and once in 2019. Neither of those were men I married. Neither of them worked out because of our circumstances. We were like ships passing in the night.

It is very likely that I am "the one" for me. Because I have no children, my focus is my career and my hobbies. A man will never save me. Maybe one day, my money will.

purasangria · 2021-12-09T02:02:07+00:00

Nope, never marrying again. I'll keep my house and my money. Not sharing it or my life with anyone unless he can offer me MORE than what I already do for myself. He must bring something to the table.

Softrito · 2021-12-09T00:10:46+00:00

I want to just keep working. Own properties and just get several IVFs in my 30s. I feel like even if a man is good to you, marriage would essentially be both of yous fighting for HIS dreams.

nothingt0say · 2021-12-09T01:16:25+00:00

I don't. I've had two boyfriends that I was with 10 years each. One was good to me the other wasnt

My friends don't get married either I have been to one wedding in my friend group and it was 2 men.

I realize I am unconventional

If I had married my last boyfriend he would not have succeeded at screwing me over so royally when we broke up. But lawyers and such would have increased the hostility to an unbearable level. It was only material things, after all. I left with my life and I have my freedom and dignity back.

akashyaboa · 2021-12-09T06:38:45+00:00

No marriage and absolutely no kids. I do not want to be tied to a man and not be able to leave at any moment. But at the same time I don't want him to have the same freedom on this (abandonment issues I guess ?). So yeah, kinda hard to make those co-exist. And then the culture plays into this. We can really have relationships without marriage. Not that I care, my culture is a breeding ground for LVM. But it is still stressful to deal with life when your whole family bothers you also.

candyfox84 · 2021-12-09T14:15:34+00:00

After my last relationship, it’s hard for me to picture a peaceful, loving & happy marriage. So many men are toxic or bordering on mental illness. As long as I’m financially independent, I’m open to dating. But I don’t think I will ever live with a man again.

overit_af · 2021-12-08T22:43:48+00:00

I’ve been married twice-both were more trouble than they were worth. Never will I do it again. I cannot imagine how marriage would benefit me or my kids in any way. I’m interested in the idea of a partner, but it would have to be a parallel type of relationship for it to work. Otherwise, I’ll die single and happy. I will never be a “wife” again by choice. Couldn’t pay me enough to deal with that stress ever again.

s_slayer · 2021-12-09T01:37:52+00:00

I'm with someone, been together 1.5 years. I honestly have no desire to call him my husband or be called a wife again. I was married for ten years and it didn't end well. This guy is completely different than my ex and a perfect match for me, but I just don't really see the need to marry. If we do it will definitely be several years from now. My parents married 12 years after meeting. They were total soulmates. I think when you know someone is really right for you there's not that sense of "I better secure this legally asap!" In my heart we are already married. So while I'm not totally opposed to the idea, I feel so secure with what we have that I also don't care if we don't. He doesn't feel "husband-y" to me if that makes sense? He's perfect for me but like a perfect mirror of me. It feels weird thinking about the connotations behind the terms husband and wife. Like I can't picture myself calling him my husband. He's like a best friend and a lover. I don't know. I guess I just feel like it's an antiquated social construct.

jijitsu-princess · 2021-12-08T22:37:15+00:00

I’m the future I may have a long term relationship who dosent live with me. But I’ve been in 2 and that shit was horrible.

Namtara · 2021-12-09T00:13:33+00:00

I have no plans to get married, but I only evaluate relationships with marriage as a mandatory end goal. Casual relationships, situationships, etc. are wastes of time.

I'm a lawyer. I'm very familiar with the numerous legal benefits and risks. Almost all the risk can be dealt with by getting a good prenup. If a man isn't willing or able to take all of that on, then he's not worth a relationship.

IMO, if a woman wants a relationship and doesn't want marriage, she is wide open to being used as a forever girlfriend. I highly recommend that every FDS member researches not just the legal benefits/risks of marriage, but also their jurisdictions' law on prenuptial agreements. Marriage is only risky to women if they allow the legal arrangements to expose them to risk.

GlitteryMoss · 2021-12-09T13:13:55+00:00

I do not want to marry. I've been like that since I was little, never interested in the whole deal; dont' like big puffy dresses; don't see sense to spending so much on a wedding, etc. Plus I never wanted children so the minute a guy started talking about that, I knew the relationship had an expiration date.

I think if I found a very adequate man, we might share a new place together or live together but I would not be interested in getting married at all.

DarbyGirl · 2021-12-09T16:45:33+00:00

I always wanted to be married. I mean, when I grew up, that's what you saw, thats what "the goal" was. It was always "When you get married", "When you have kids", etc. My best friend and I would plan our weddings when we were kids.

In my last relationship I still longed to be married. I was a forever girlfriend, and had convinced myself that I was okay wtih it..all while being silently jealous of other people who had engagements, and weddings and husbands. Why wasn't I enough?

Eventually, I still longed to be married....but not to him. That realization was the start of the end of the relationship as I started mentally checking out. It took me 3 tries to get out of my emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. By the third try I was just DONE and if I hadn't snooped in his phone to see him texting my replacement that she was his priority, I would have still felt bad about it because of his dramatics.

Do I still want to be married? I don't know. I'm really enjoying the single life, but part of me still wants to have someone that picks me...you know? Like I want the proposal, and the ring, and the white dress and whatnot, but I don't know if I want to live with someone again after everything I went through. Maybe I'm not ready yet, I'm certainly not ready to date. So. I don't know . If I did, he'd have to be a hell of a hvm.

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2021-12-09T05:32:19+00:00

I don’t want to get married. He would have to be a serious HVM for me to change my mind - and I don’t think I will come across one in my mid-30s. They are all taken, lowlifes or cheaters from my experience. Or all 3 lol. I would do a ltr but again, would have to be pretty special.

I’m finding men chasing more these days, and I think it’s just because idgaf. And honestly, they are more desperate to be married (without giving up their single lives, and still being able to cheat and talk bad about their ball and chain wives)… and I’m just not down with that. Id rather be single than have someone treat me with such disrespect that SO many other women in my city accept. They have no idea what their partners are really up to behind their back and what their partners and partners friends say behind their backs (the friends who seem so friendly to the women on the surface, so she tells them more info about their relationship and the men rag on the women to their partner). They also group gaslight them. Bro code and all that shit. No thanks.

oscine23 · 2021-12-09T08:25:44+00:00

I’ve been married. No desire to do it again. If you find the rare man who believes in cooking and cleaning and actively participating in the raising of his children, who knows what he’s doing in bed, possesses emotional intelligence, who you trust, and treats you like he’s the luckiest man on Earth, you may feel differently. And you still don’t have to marry his ass.

The man I’ve been seeing for a year has intimated that he would like to marry me at some point in the future. I told him that the only way I’d even entertain the idea is if we lived in separate houses at least a mile away. And I’m dead ass serious too. I don’t want to live with another man.

Cocoo_B · 2021-12-08T22:15:39+00:00

It took me years but I finally unlearned my ‘desire’ to get married. There is nothing appealing about tying yourself to a man legally. And knowing what men are, I need to be able to make a clean break from a man at any point in time for whatever reason I deem valid. Who has time to go through divorce lawyers and waste thousands of $$$ just to get rid of a man? Add in the fact that you can’t divorce someone unless they agree to it, i.e sign the papers. What a nightmare…

I dont see marriage as a personal deal, I see it as a political institution of the patriarchy with legal and societal obligations. Marriage and cohabitation with men is the #1 way that men continue to extract labor from women. Domestic labor, reproductive labor, caregiving labor & emotional labor. Then add all studies proving that marriage is a terrible deal for women while men greatly benefit from it. This is quite literally, the biological definition of a parasitic interaction… There is not a single redeeming factor that makes marriage worthwile for women.

Patriarchal socialization and/or religious indoctrination are the only plausible explanations as to why women continue to desire something that will actively harm them for the benefit of a man.

chainsawbobcat · 2021-12-09T12:55:18+00:00

If I did you bet your ass there would be a prenup.

PrincessCritterPants · 2021-12-09T03:22:08+00:00

I was actually thinking about this this morning. My conclusion? I don’t know!

Marriage was never really on my radar; I’ve looked at wedding dresses - once, in my early twenties - only to discover that I apparently have expensive taste, and asked myself why I was even looking since I didn’t know if I wanted to get married or not. Sometimes I even thought that I probably won’t get married. I’ve never fantasized about what my wedding might be like, I can’t really relate to that thought process. But I must say, I like the idea of having a day where I just get to be…beautiful. Have my hair and makeup professionally done, wear a gorgeous dress…

Despite not knowing if I want marriage or not, one thing I know for certain is that I want a ring. If I’m committing to someone for an extended period of time, or “life”, then they’d better put a ring on it. I’ve already picked that out, and honestly I won’t accept anything other than what I want.

ETA that should I get married, or at the very least a long term commitment, I’ll make sure they have no claim to my assets. My nephews will be my beneficiaries.

valleycupcake · 2021-12-09T04:24:16+00:00

I’ve been married twice so I’m not eager to do it again unless it’s like the opportunity of a lifetime. I am focusing on female friendships and don’t go on a lot of dates. I would love to live with another single mom in a big house with all our kids and help each other out.

Davina33 · 2021-12-09T07:42:47+00:00

I'm open to the idea of marriage but not children. Trouble is finding a man worth marrying. Men these days want to be chased and from what I'm hearing expect nudes/anal. No thank you. Porn and online dating has fucked most of them up.

wereallthrowaway · 2021-12-09T03:26:19+00:00

I like not being married. Both my parents married twice and both their second marriages ended. As others have said if i want to end a relationship i dont want to get a lawyer. I do think its a choice that should be honored. i dont let men disrespect me and i define my relationships as monogomous early.

StrawberryMoon3 · 2021-12-09T01:56:51+00:00

I don't really care about it. If it happens great, if it doesn't no problem

roxlin12 · 2021-12-09T01:49:22+00:00

I was married for 14 years to an absolute manchild. It sucked the life out of me. Just got out of an LTR with someone who I thought was HV but really the bar was low from before. I don’t want to be married again; it’s not in my best interest financially or legally. He would be entitled to half my pension, inheritance, etc. if we split. Tax-wise, it doesn’t help me and I don’t want to share my property legally either. I’d never be willing to buy a home with a husband and I like my house too much to let anyone move in. Marriage was designed by men to benefit men so it is a hard pass for me. But I’m not jaded 😂

Difficult-Owl-542377 · 2021-12-09T11:30:10+00:00

Abusive psychopath father check here! :) Had several girlfriends, treating them like slaves under the codeword „BDSM“. Abused my mom and me without any stop. I was always happy when my mom and me were alone. It was peaceful without him. In school I never had friends whose parents were not divorced or didn’t beat each others heads in. I can absolutely not imagine being married. Even for a benefit of a visa? It would scare the hell out of me. I date for the fun of it, never considered a man to stay in my life. To some it might be sad, but it protects me and I never had a heartbreak either. :) Wish I could adopt a child later in life ummarried. ☺️

ShondaGives · 2021-12-09T15:30:14+00:00

I don’t ever want to get married either…. Have 1 kid…. She’s a junior in college ( no more kids )

chasingshoesales · 2021-12-09T15:52:41+00:00

I got a dog and have been happy every since.

Lala00luna · 2021-12-09T17:04:35+00:00

I’ve already been through the Marriage and Divorce experience. I have chosen to not repeat that experience again, even if I find my suitable partner. This means, not changing my name, giving up my body to have children, or giving my my job to be a stay at home anything. I’ve chosen to keep my independence/protecting my assets and if my partner does anything to jeopardize that for me, then I can walk away without having to go through the divorce horse and pony show again.

MondoCat · 2021-12-09T22:31:26+00:00

I got married. Never again. He ended up being abusive, denied it all. complete gaslighting and all.

Now hes living in my house 5 hours away. I pay for the insurance. He pays nothing for the house, I paid it off.

And i dont know how to get him out... safetly. ;_;

CatherineWinkworth · 2021-12-09T04:22:15+00:00

I’m not saying that marriage is for everyone, but you should try therapy so you can stop carrying around your parents’ trauma.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-12-08T22:27:42+00:00

I don’t think all of us have terrible examples of what a marriage looks like so we wouldn’t make the same assumptions. Marriage has mostly been an experience of safety and happiness for the women in my life. It’s not perfect, but nowhere near the stressful experience you describe.

devilooo · 2021-12-09T09:58:33+00:00

My problem: I personally don’t want to get married but I have this deep rooted mentality that I will only avoid being judged by society if I get married.

In fact, the only reason I can think of to want to get married is so that I can call my boyfriend “husband” when talking about him to others. Is this a good enough reason to tie myself down to someone? I don’t know, that’s why I am still in a dilemma.

lybid8 · 2021-12-08T22:40:17+00:00

With the right person - yes; I find this sun to be a great resource for figuring out that “right person”. Love aside, I don’t feel comfortable building wealth with a person I am not married to, so any other type of relationship will cap at a certain point for me. I would also not move in with a man I am not married to, so there’s that.

Particular-Toe-7849 · 2021-12-08T22:44:17+00:00

Yup same thing here. Marriage terrifies me as I've never seen a happy one, like ever. I saw this comment in tik tok that solidified it even more "The only women ive seen make a relationship work w a man are the ones that endure/navigate their abuse/neglect/mediocrity".

Elena1684 · 2021-12-08T22:59:09+00:00

I was married for 28 years and I don’t recommend it. 5 minutes to say “I do”. 3 years and $15k in legal fees to say “I don’t anymore”. It’s a trap and not one that is easily gotten out of.

If I had a do over I would have just lived with him or at the very least set up my life as if I were getting divorced from day 1. From what everyone tells me one of you has to be willing to walk away with nothing for a divorce to go smoothly and quickly.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2021-12-08T23:39:52+00:00

The only thing that sounds good about marriage is the ring. But if I can get a rich HVM in the first place then I can get a ring anytime without the papers 💅

_atyourcervix · 2021-12-09T03:07:14+00:00

The older I get and the more dating experience I accumulate the more clear it becomes marriage is a bad deal for women. We have so much to lose, and very little to gain. I still struggle with the romanticism of it all but overall I feel like it’s a trap and a huge risk and better to not get legally tied to anyone. Getting a divorce sounds awful

ashstarr8791 · 2021-12-09T03:27:36+00:00

I was briefly married very young for only 2 years (20-22) then lived with a boyfriend for a while (I was about 25-27, but we didn't live together during the entire relationship obviously) both terrible men.

I'm 30 now, single and have no desire to get married or find a romantic partner. My platonic friends are more than enough for me and I'm so glad I'm finally focusing on those relationships more than chasing for a romantic relationship. Lastly, I've never wanted children so that didn't change. Life is much more peaceful not having the pressure of a relationship in the back of my mind lol

Particular_Place_804 · 2021-12-09T03:43:06+00:00

Me! 🙋🏻‍♀️. Marriage does NOT benefit women at all whatsoever so why bother? I also don’t want to have kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Etriumvalles · 2021-12-09T04:48:26+00:00

I never wanted to get married, but did want a life companion, someone who gets me completely, who supports and believes in me.

1,5 years into relationship, now I am married to HVM. Never been happier, felt more understood and loved, he supports my arts, we help out each other with anxieties, he is a great lover and makes my life better both in emotional ways and financial ways. We also have same values and enjoy same things, and he is super supportive of feminism, but doesn’t try to interfere with his manly opinions and educates other men (which what men should do, imo).

Life will show how it goes, but having a HVM partner really changed views on marriage and relationship for me.

MakkaPakka__uwu · 2021-12-09T05:07:28+00:00

I will have to waiy until my family elders die so I can get married to my girlfriend. Hopefully... I would NEVER marry a man though.

thediverswife · 2021-12-09T15:48:33+00:00

I’d like to get married. I’m in therapy and exploring some of my own commitment/relationship aversion issues. My parents are still married and have been together for a long time but there is very little affection and romance there from what I can see. I don’t want to get married or have children just to say that I’ve done it, so it’s entirely contingent on meeting someone I want such a close, committed partnership with. I like the idea but I know that the reality can hurt women, especially when they come with financial or structural disadvantages.

Also I don’t want to be a forever girlfriend. After my last relationship I realised that I dodged a bullet (my ex has a forever gf now, I’d be very surprised if they got married) and I don’t want to put myself in a situation like that again, secretly hoping that a man will commit and hanging on for that. I choose more mindfully now

Thesseli · 2021-12-09T16:52:03+00:00

I don't.

fireforestfairy · 2021-12-09T17:27:44+00:00

I don't want to get married. Where I'm from, the law requires a couple to combine their money and split it in half when they divorce if they fail to agree on how the money should be split up. Getting married hence seems very risky. Even if your husband is wealthier than you, it doesn't mean he'll share his money with you after a divorce. There has been cases of men transferring their money to the bank accounts of their relatives before getting divorced so that they can get away with sharing money with their wives. Some men also committed uxoricide as they would rather see their wives dead than to share money with them.

KindredMaximus · 2021-12-09T23:38:41+00:00

I've been married - I'm not keen to do it again. I knew a lady once who had been married for over 40 years and she had never lived with her husband - they lived in separate houses. That blew my mind, considering how long ago they got married. Although, she had to live with him in the end to look after him. They were very happy by all accounts and didn't have children. I think childfree couples are happier (from my perspective they seem to be). I also have a massive fault where I go into caregiver mode, the minute a man is in my home - cooking, making him comfortable etc. and I start putting my own life on hold. I don't want to do that again.
And your point about being able to leave - that is a great one - your power diminishes if you can become homeless the minute he starts being abusive. A lot of abusers or men will use this power differential to treat you like crap.

Skater_Babe_917 · 2021-12-08T22:04:49+00:00

I was married for 16 years and even though he was HV for the most part we just wanted different things in the end and I’m blessed with my children. That being said, I tell any new potential partner that “if you really love someone, you shouldn’t live with them”. I mean this with all my heart and my last LVX almost changed my mind but I will never let that happen again!

KathyisQueen · 2021-12-08T22:29:40+00:00

I recently hit the age where a lot of people start panicking like “omg I thought I would be married by now/having kids by now” and after my birthday came and went this year, I didn’t feel that way. My aunt kept saying “oh my god, you’re basically 30!” And I didn’t care. My brother at thanksgiving single-shamed me for the first time. I simply told him I didn’t like anyone. He mentioned some of his friends liked me. Tall guys, in Med school, handsome, funny. But I’m not interested.

A few of my friends who haven’t been introduced to FDS have started adopting the same mindset. We’ve all talked about getting some property together and having a PLP- platonic life partnership. Things seem less complicated when romance isn’t convoluting everything. My experiences dating in the past ten years alone have made me realize it’s not as necessary as our patriarchal society wants us to believe because it benefits men by and large. Dating is completely optional.

Live-Apricot1106 · 2021-12-08T22:30:52+00:00

I would like to but I have a lot of doubts. He would need to add a lot to my life and I have a great life, so that's hard.

Born_Parking_5394 · 2021-12-08T22:50:15+00:00

In every marriage I have observed, up close and not, the woman is constantly suffering. She shoulders the lion’s share of every responsibility and burden, and the men are incompetent, entitled, and abusive. Multiple women much older than I am gaslight themselves and try so hard to justify their husband’s misdeeds in front of me, with no prompt.

I haven’t seen a happy woman in a hetero marriage to this day, not one. She’s always giving up pieces of herself as the tike goes by until she has nothing left.

So no, I don’t see myself getting married in my life.

Ambitious_Flamingo93 · 2021-12-08T23:05:38+00:00

No. I won't marry anyone in the future. It's a death sentence. It's difficult to run away when you have the ring on your finger.

Emergency_Try_2372 · 2021-12-08T23:10:17+00:00

I really don't know anymore and I'm constantly going back and forth between if I want to or not. I used to be much more enthusiastic about it when I was younger but as I get older, it just seems like there's really no point anymore. Cheating and having side chicks is somehow glorified by a big portion of society, especially on social media and it seems like no matter how many boxes you check off on someone else's list, they're still bound to cheat on you. As beneficial as dating apps are to many people, I think they're part of why this has become such a problem. People seem to believe that there's always "someone better out there" that they can discover from a few simple swipes. Instant gratification is the new "normal" when it comes to dating, and I think it can be tied to many other aspects of society as well. So for now, I think I'd be better off with a companion or something along those lines.

Liu_Su_Mian_Hua · 2021-12-08T23:23:53+00:00

Every woman I know was a single parent.....especially the ones who were married.

cakewalkofshame · 2021-12-08T23:29:22+00:00

I only wanted it so bad because I was conditioned to started in middle school, going through...about now. It's not an authentic want for me. At age 9 I knew I didn't want kids, and when I was told my husband would want them (as if it were a given!) I simply said "I won't get married then." It is just too much time investment hunting for the right guy and risk - risk of heartbreak, harm, and at the very least, wasted time and energy. Better to live a life and be a self I am happy with. FDS has helped me realize this the way r/childfree helped me realize I was never going to be a mother.

Miserable_Row2496 · 2021-12-08T23:30:28+00:00

I currently don’t have any desire to, but I’m also not going to accept less from guys during dating because of this. I also tend not to tell them my stance on the issue. I am doing quite well for myself so to quote the scrotes we hear so much from he’d “have to bring a lot to the table.”

RubyStarBaby · 2021-12-08T23:34:57+00:00

I don't think I can ever fully trust someone, and I've known for my whole life that I never want to get married, especially after having divorced parents who put their children in the middle of their bs. I also never want to populate the earth.

braainnsss · 2021-12-08T23:37:47+00:00

I don’t think I want to get married. I already have children and I already take care of everything myself. Seeing friends go through horrible divorces has sort of sealed the deal for me

eta: I do want a lifelong commitment though

Commander_Glasses · 2021-12-08T23:45:35+00:00

No marriage for me. The most I'm willing to do is a "living apart together" relationship.

tampon-teabag · 2021-12-08T23:56:13+00:00

I was almost married when I was in my early 20s, and eventually the comfort set in. The usual scrote behavior when they think that "got" you. He seemed a bit too excited about an inheritance he happened to hear about by chance I've also lived with men before in more serious relationships. Never again. I can't imagine the hoops I would have to go through just to escape if things went south, or the mask came down. Honestly, the way things are going with the law; it does not have women's best interests in mind. I would never get married. I don't think I'd ever say that to a man though lest they think they'd get to put in less effort etc.

throwaway7373838473 · 2021-12-09T00:09:12+00:00

No, i wont get married again. Learnt the hard way it is too difficult to escape. HUGE Risk, not worth potential possible reward. I just want a life partner that i dont have to physically live and cohabitate with. See them when i feel like it and then bounce to my space.

TinaTwoChins · 2021-12-09T00:27:33+00:00

I used to really want marriage. The whole nice husband and two cute kids thing and don’t get me wrong, I still want it, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized how important compatibility and competence is. Unfortunately.. it seems like MANY men out there are incompetent which also leads to compatibility issues so.. the odds of finding a good match are looking slim.

Nicoleisdeadx · 2021-12-09T00:42:28+00:00

I'm 33, and I go through phases of being so lonely. But usually I don't care too much. I'm way too much of a mess to be able to be in a stable, loving partnership. Honestly, it would be amazing just to get laid again (by someone I find attractive).

sittingstillisfun · 2021-12-09T00:52:55+00:00

I never wanted to get married but due to social pressure and having a man who was “such a catch” (wealthy family, good education, good career, handsome) insist on it I got married in my 20’s. I felt completely suffocated and divorced by 30.

I’m not rich but I’m financially independent- own home paid, investments, own business and I don’t want to have children so there little incentive for me to me a wife. I have an amazing partner now, all the things my ex was while also being emotionally intelligent, loyal, kind - HVM essentially. He can afford to pay someone to cook and clean and doesn’t want to have children. We are very committed to each other, very much in love, we’re not getting married.

decentbrowneyes · 2021-12-09T01:00:24+00:00

I’m married rn and going through a divorce. I would do it again with the right person but the checklist for that newcomer is gonna hit the floor.

idk40358 · 2021-12-09T01:05:24+00:00

Currently, I don't like the thought of marriage. It's so so expensive, and divorce...I've heard enough stories of unmarried and married people to know whats good for me in the long run. And that's the single life :)

gaystreetfighter · 2021-12-09T01:18:38+00:00

Depends on whether he makes more money than me or not. I’m not down to support a man with alimony simply because he became used to my HV lifestyle. So in these cases, I would most likely choose not to marry. And given that I live in a LCOL city, this will probably be the case.

DeathCitrus · 2021-12-09T01:54:21+00:00

I grew up in the same situation! My mother married SO many times I knew from a very young age I never wanted to get married. It just seems like too much of a hassle? Also seems super expensive… and I don’t just mean lavish weddings but any weddings really. The thought of spending even one dollar on something for a wedding makes me cringe because I could use that money to travel or buy myself shit.

I told my current partner immediately that I didn’t want marriage. We’ve been together for ten years and still adore each other. There are perks to marriage, I’m told. But I just can’t see myself doing it because of the conga line of step dads I experienced as a child.

RaitheRedditor · 2021-12-09T01:56:22+00:00

Originally, I did want to get married but now I changed my mind. I don’t plan on having kids either. My cousin gave birth to a baby boy but I can see when she gets exhausted from juggling work, teaching (she’s a professor at a local college) and spending time with her baby. It seems overwhelming, especially when the husband is not around/not interested in helping out.

Like what so many people said earlier, I like having my own space and the ability to make choices without having to consider what the other person feels.

headlikeacaroussel · 2021-12-09T02:38:49+00:00

I feel the same way. My father was also a cheater, like most men in my family and culture. Even if I married a good man if something were to happen to him people would treat me like shit. I saw how my mother and I were and are still treated because she is a widow. I never want to ve in that situation.

lileraccoon · 2021-12-09T03:31:57+00:00

Nope. I feel like it involves agreeing to an unjust and disproportionate burden on the woman from beginning to end.

Beatlemaniac9 · 2021-12-09T03:49:52+00:00

I don't want to get married. What the hell would I get out of that arrangement? I don't want kids. I'm not going to take his name. I make plenty of my own money. Marriage just seems like a way to back yourself into a corner.

anobletruth · 2021-12-09T03:55:08+00:00

I do want to, but only if the conditions are right.

I’ve never been in love and have only been in one relationship, which was low value. I’m a romantic at heart (less so as I get older) but I rarely meet men that I’m attracted to.

So, yes, but it’s harder to picture the older I get.

Witchery772 · 2021-12-09T04:08:31+00:00

I was married 5 years. I wouldn’t do it again unless the man was 100 percent HVM, so probably not haha

douglassanon · 2021-12-09T04:26:04+00:00

I never want to be married, I just think people are becoming more and more disloyal. I’m okay for divorce when things don’t work out but I can’t imagine building a life with children and one deciding they want to nope out or that this life isn’t for them.

The thing is women go under lots of changes during pregnancy like vagina stretching and sometimes other things aswell. I’d like a supportive partner who will be willing to help me be empowered to have mommy makeover surgery if that happens and be involved in my (imaginary-because I don’t really want children but if I did) childrens life. You really can’t predict that in the future as it seems age gaps in dating and hook up culture has transgressed lots of generations; there are 18 wanting to date 40 year olds and so and so like it’s whatever; but as society normalizes this; the father of someone’s children could be seduced by a younger women and nobody bat an eye when he leaves her.

I worked in a nursing home and have first hand experience with the elderly telling me these stories and seen the awkwardness of their past partners dropping by to say hello as a friend. It’s just all around shitty. I’m a little bit pessimistic I’d agree and don’t hash that things do work out but I for one will be holding off on getting married and rather live with my partner and not be pressured into putting our lives together.

I would like to have a partner that will want to see me flourish as much as them without children. I don’t have a desire to fulfill myself with children; I am happy watching my siblings daughters grow, supporting coworkers by babysitting when they need a date night, being a mentor to a young adult.

soft_pasta · 2021-12-09T04:33:07+00:00

I used to always think I’d get married, but the older I get the less it sounds appealing to me. It’s just like being trapped.

Sufficient-Fun-1619 · 2021-12-09T04:37:46+00:00

Part of me prays my daughters don’t have interest in marrying because I don’t want them potentially legally tied to someone that’s a pos

decemephemera · 2021-12-09T07:47:07+00:00

I grew up in a home where my father was emotionally and physically abusive to my mom. She read a massive amount of romance novels. This was before the Hallmark channel, but 100% that demographic. I grew up steeped in all this true, fated love bullshit. And my mother was just escaping from the nightmare of her life into complete fantasy. Never did leave my dad, he's still a trainwreck.

But I've never had any experience with a man that's even remotely like the romance novel/Hallmark movie. And I spent a long time thinking that was because I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, sweet & feminine enough. But men are just not like that. I work in a male dominated field and every one of them is a dog, a cheater, a sexist, it's just incredibly depressing. My ex husband was a huge disappointment on so many fronts, but I believed he was at least faithful, until I found out during Covid that he had a secret second family.

I just honestly wanted to believe that I could have the kind of uplifting love that fills pop culture aimed at women, but now I just want peace. I hate being this cynical, but I have had mostly bad experiences with men, and lost a lot of my life to "making the marriage work." I tend to come down on the side of never again. Any relationship lasts only so long as it's working for me, and when that stops I need to be able to move on.

Throw6a8w9a6y · 2021-12-09T09:14:56+00:00

I am cautious and probably too picky to ever get married, but I am not against marriage as a rule.

If I wanted children, that would be different; it would be a requirement.

Mairuru · 2021-12-09T09:35:16+00:00

The answer is no I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to settle down nor think about having kids. I don’t want to be trapped, controlled, or possibly be abused. Due to witnessing all sorts of suffering my loved ones had to deal with their partners.

The narcissist LVM from my past all they ever did lie, cheat & drain you financially. They made me hate the idea of settling down.

EnigmaticLila · 2021-12-09T10:57:38+00:00

I want the ceremony but none of the legal stuff. I'd rather have a registered partnership or make some other kind of paperwork that can help wrt to inheritance, children and next of kin. Getting divorced is costly in both time and money and having a registered marriage in some places means extra taxes so no thank you to that. I prefer to plan ahead and draft my own contracts than leave it up to whatever is the legal definition of married. I don't want to change my surname and I also would like for my children to carry my surname. Its been difficult with my mom remarrying and having a different surname to me when it came to travelling or filling in paperwork and I'd prefer not to face those difficulties.

MeowNachos · 2021-12-09T10:59:19+00:00

I absolutely do not want to get married. I am not into the religious element of marriage, and see the state version as just a patriarchal contract that makes it easier for someone to take advantage of me and trap me.

My ideal situation would be living apart but being emotionally involved with someone on a long term basis.

Ok_Banana_9484 · 2021-12-09T14:37:03+00:00

God no. I am not arm candy and I have my own money, which means a partner has to be richer than me and attracted to my personality. All those guys are guaranteed to be married to a woman with both looks and personality. The rest are grifters. Case closed. I'm not bothered by this, if anything I'm blessed with a plethora of freedom and not accountable to anyone other than my child, immediate family and myself. Having my freedom lassoed by an unrelated Y chromosome is a laughable concept at this stage of my life.

tooflyforyou · 2021-12-09T14:57:44+00:00

I always wanted to get married as a kid because that’s what society and religion pushes. Then after dating, I just wanted to stay single for the rest of my life. But now I’m for marriage.

There’s pros and cons to both but I want to get married because I believe marriage gives you more rights than just dating long term. Divorce is heartbreaking and expensive but so is dating someone for 20 years and then breaking up. My dad cheated on my mom, got married to another woman and then cheated on her. My mom only got child support while my dad’s ex wife got child support, alimony, a house and a car after the divorce. You know what my dad got? Furniture, his truck and a room at his grandma’s house.

Also add in that a lot of men enjoy the fact women don’t want to get married anymore and will use it to their advantage and I don’t like that.

goodluckjordan · 2021-12-09T15:34:27+00:00

As a wedding photographer that sees relationships at there so called “best moments, and happy beginnings”, fuck marriage. It’s rarely ever beneficial for the woman.

OutspokenPerson · 2021-12-09T17:07:40+00:00

That’s a really good question!

For contest for my response:

My first ex was a LVM who I Barb the Buildered up. My second ex was a NVM.

I belong to a FB group of highly accomplished women from school (30 years and counting) who literally all but a few tell the same tales as we see in FDS. Even the ones who appear to have it all, from the outside looking in.

I can see dating again. But have zero interest in ever co-habitating or re-marrying. Any man in my future will need to be HVM or he can buzz right off. I’m not going to raise anyone else’s kids or grandkids, and will never be cleaning up pee off the bathroom floor again either!

You can have lovely dates, and trips, and spend quality time with someone without ever moving in or marrying them. And if you never move in, you can so much more easily end the relationship when it’s not adding value to your life. And you can focus on shoring up your own finances, and on building your own career. And ironically, that will help you keep your footing and not lose your head when you do find a HVM you really want to spend more time with.

huff-an-puff · 2021-12-09T17:20:49+00:00

I don’t. I don’t see the appeal of putting up with someone and being tremendously inconvenienced just for attention and validation.

melympia · 2021-12-09T17:31:53+00:00

At my age (early 40s), I don't want to start a family (already have an adult daughter), so I don't really see a benefit in marriage for myself at the moment. Then again, I'm not considering other arrangements, either, so take this with a grain of salt.

But let's be honest: If you are self-sufficient (especially financially), you don't need to get married - and might even get screwed over by having to pay alimony if you get divorced. Yes, there are some tax benefits, but I only know about those in my home country. Here, the benefits pretty much only apply if one partner works and the other doesn't. Which is not the kind of relationship I'd want to pursue in the first place. (I'm not giving up my work, and I'm not willing to haul a guy's ass, either.)

Lucky-Season5252 · 2021-12-09T21:21:00+00:00

I do if I find my ideal partner, if not oh well, single hood is okay too. Haha def don’t want to give birth tho. I do want to have children tho, just can’t imagine myself going through the pain.

marieceline75 · 2021-12-09T21:41:47+00:00

I don’t want to get married. Was married twice, divorced now. Massive mistakes that cost me lots of money. I want a life partner, but without the legal papers.

Title	Serious question, do any of you not want to get married?
Author	europoor24
Upvotes	674
Comments	202
Date	December 8, 2021 9:53 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rc1yol/serious_question_do_any_of_you_not_want_to_get/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/serious-question-do-any-of-you-not-want-to-get.1087883 https://theredarchive.com/post/1087883