Should I tell my boyfriend (very recent), that I am not sure if I want to get married or have kids?

apommom · 2021-11-09T20:12:50+00:00

Tell him. Do not hold this back out of fear that he will be pissed. The longer you stay the harder it will be. It sounds like you are unsure about this relationship in general. Don’t ask him to end the relationship, end it yourself because what you wrote makes it sounds like you are a passive participant and it’s honestly very concerning.

engineergorl · 2021-11-09T23:58:49+00:00

Not going to lie, I would personally not date a cop. You can search FDS for why we generally avoid them. Talking about kids and marriage is not a first date topic, but I think after a couple months, it's fine to start a discussion. Since you're unsure about kids, now's a good time to see if your boyfriend is dead set on them. If your boyfriend is dead set on kids, tread carefully because once you take the leap, you can't go back. I think best case scenario your boyfriend is fine either way (kids or no kids) but committed to being a good father if there are ever kids.

Ok-Yogurtcloset3467 · 2021-11-09T20:53:30+00:00

I think let him know. I'm on the fence about kids myself (although not so much on the fence as know I will never want a child but scared to commit to that). It's such a big thing that its worth letting him know. It's not too early. I would be a little concerned about his response but its no loss for you if he goes. There are men who do not want children.

I think a more important question is if ou would stay with him if he did want kids? One of you would end up sacrificing your dreams for yourself in that situation.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-11-09T20:35:25+00:00

I don’t think you need to bring it up just yet if you’re unsure. If he asks, be honest. If things progress and marriage seems on the horizon, let him know about your goals and uncertainty.

This dating phase is just the trial period. You’ll figure out or clarify things about yourself in the next few months.

katiekat0214 · 2021-11-09T21:30:49+00:00

Look at all your language here! Everything is kinda sorta maybe, do I want this at all? If you have to ask, you don't! Or you may want it somewhat, but you don't want it wholeheartedly. I get this: society says you should want all of this, and not going along with The Script marks you quite definitely on the road less traveled by. That's a little terrifying, because you have to find your own way although there are always a few brave souls out there who have taken that lesser traveled road.

All of this is okay! I knew from single digits I very much wanted to be married and happy; second time was the charm. I also knew from single digits I never wanted kids. Here I am, 53, twice married, happy the second time for 17 years, no kids, and zero regrets. However, all that said, I had to take a ton of time in my 20s parsing out what I really wanted versus what I was socialized to want, what society expected me to want.

I always thought how much simpler life would have been if I had just LOVED both marriage and children, and been completely traditional. Simpler, yes... but as nuanced? as deep? Maybe not.

Seriously, let him go, and I guarantee you will feel 1,000 pounds lighter once you do. You'll be happier. Take time now to parse out your real wants, and your real dislikes, versus what you've been conditioned to think you want. That self-reflection is a life-changer.

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-11-09T22:28:26+00:00

I'd ask him how he feels about kids, if he really wants then you:re probably incompatible, but some men are on the fence as well. Only after he's showed you his hand should you confide your indecision about them. Some men and women are fine with, fine without (that's me tbh) kids are a big deal.

The marriage bit I'd hold off on. You want to make sure he doesn't put you into the forever gf spot and telling him about you feelings for marriage might make him cop out (pun intended!)

millennialpink2000 · 2021-11-09T20:13:50+00:00

I'd suggest stopping dating all together until you figure out the answers to those questions for yourself. Then you can date with intent and clarity

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-11-09T22:26:38+00:00

You're going to have to have the conversation sooner or later so it may as well be sooner.

Determinedblonde · 2021-11-09T21:29:02+00:00

Mention it now. Maybe he doesn’t want them either?

Title	Should I tell my boyfriend (very recent), that I am not sure if I want to get married or have kids?
Author	CountingDownTheDays5
Upvotes	36
Comments	22
Date	November 9, 2021 7:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qqbp0f/should_i_tell_my_boyfriend_very_recent_that_i_am/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/should-i-tell-my-boyfriend-very-recent-that-i-am.1085009 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085009