Went through a breakup back in September -3years, engaged, lots of drama with his ex wife and teen daughters - ultimately though the reality is he was an extremely LVM and the relationship was more a reaction to my divorce from a love starved marriage as well as the relationship being a massive trigger for my abandonment issues and played to my underlying feelings of shame and lack of own self worth. I’ve gone a tremendous amount of reflection, therapy, reading to understand what happened, why, and myself better. Overall I am in a much, much better state of mind than I was months ago.

I know there is more work I need to do on myself and more I want to fortify within myself - but I catch myself struggling with what does it mean to be a whole, complete person? I’m ok with being single and alone, but at any given moment I also struggle with realizing that this isn’t temporary- this isn’t a holding pattern until my life kicks in (ie which in the past meant a relationship). I was convinced that relationship was my “love story” and my safe place, my harbor after all I had been through. Reality is it was just an extension of the issues I thought it was my reward from.

So ultimately I know now that it’s me, I have to be a better me, value myself higher, expect more, raise my standards- and at the same time I get hit with waves of fear that this is it- this is my life and not just a temporary stop until the “love story” happens. I know that I should feel joy for having the opportunity to figure all this out instead of dealing with that relationship anymore. I know that this opportunity is a gift - and at the same time it scares the hell out of me. How do I figure out what I want and who I want to become, how do I deal with the necessary lonely, fearful moments? Anyway, I hope this makes some sense-just feeling alone right now.