Struggling with the reality this isn’t temporary

haunted_vcr · 2021-06-09T01:48:52+00:00

You are the love story.

What really helped my healing was going and doing literally everything that a guy had let me down on, and doing it right. I took myself to the restaurants, bought myself the gifts, got a "special" toy that can go for an hour, and outdid their accomplishments by miles. I can honestly say I'm a million times cooler than any of my exes.

You have to get to the point where you respect yourself so much that you don't put dusties on a pedestal.

To begin, allow yourself to turn the sadness into rage. They suck and let you down. They could have done it right but they /chose/ to hurt you. The anger won't last forever, and it's healthy and good motivation.

Twolipz_78 · 2021-06-08T23:33:50+00:00

Giiirl, I am feeling all of this totally and completely and I needed to hear it. I haven’t been intimate with anyone in a little over 13 months and I am not used to this at. all!

This may be my period talking but I was seriously considering having a one-time thing with the next worthy rando the universe sends me and just pump and dump as I am SO SICK of thinking the LVX that continues to stalk me (showed up to watch me at my job 2 days ago 🙄) was the last one I was with! I wanted to feel like I had power and control in using some guy for subpar sex and just block and delete right after because why not? They do it to us!

But that would just be lowering to their level and there’s nothing really powerful about that especially since he gets a guaranteed orgasm and I just worry about STI’s or watch he ends up knowing the person I finally end up with, lol!

So yeah, I feel ya!

spicyspa · 2021-06-09T00:14:35+00:00

I admire how you're taking these steps. Actually, you seem to be on it a lot earlier than most of us, myself included.

After following FDS, it also dawned on me that this is not temporary. I left a long marriage years before. I made considerable poorly thought out efforts to find a good man even though I told myself I would be happy without one. I fell for the "a woman has to be in a relationship" trope. I prioritized that over my own growth. Now after FDS, I'm working on myself and making up for lost time. I'm working with a new therapist and she's really got some great ideas to improve my life. She never even mentioned my "needing" to be in a relationship. Refreshing.

kinkardine · 2021-06-08T23:43:48+00:00

For me it clicked after reading a book , ‘ CEO of everything’, it’s a personal finance book, but it helped me to see me as a whole person rather than a part of some bigger institution called family( which is culturally only way for a woman to validate her existence). I started making an independent financial backbone for me starting from funeral and backwards. But now it reflects everywhere. I would rather have my own agenda and work towards my personal growth, practice discipline regularly in daily life to achieve something bigger, be someone better than waiting for someone to come by and swap my every investment with his whimsical lifestyle. I would rather invest my time in making meaningful friendship .. friends stay.. I had lots of ups and downs but always had my friends by my side. I do not want to be held hostage for sex or a belongingness.

Buying my own home was a great exercise towards it, it was a statement that I won’t wait and make the best out of my life at this very given moment rather than sharing with someone..( that someone may not be that special.. but a projection of your need at that time).

shockingupdate · 2021-06-09T04:58:17+00:00

I’ve been struggling with this, too. I’ve always seen relationships as a safe harbor where I can be myself with one person who truly understands me…despite the fact that that’s never actually happened. I saw what I wanted tk see until the truth was ringing in my ears. I’ve been homeless, beat.en, traf.ficked…but now I have finances and goals for the future that only I can achieve for myself. I’ve always known that friendships last longer than men, but now that I’m committing to myself I’m struggling to find the path forward to new, lasting friendships, a career I love, and a sustainable lifestyle I enjoy. Not because I’m a bad planner - my bullet journal and I are top-notch at that - but because I’m honestly kind of numb from everything I’ve been through.

It will pass. Just keep being kind to yourself, take care of yourself, get massages and gifts for no reason, let it be known that it’s perfectly okay to not be okay some days. Throw yourself into something you wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing in a relationship, or something you used to love as a child. Get really obsessed with it. See if the light comes back. If it doesn’t, try something else.

You will never be granted a “love story” or safe place. All that exists is the next step and the world you create for yourself in taking those steps. It is terrifying, but somehow it’s something we all learn to do. I get the feeling far more people are dealing with this than you or I are aware of. We’ve just gotta get grounded and learn to feel safe on our own. I think the joy will come back when we have space in ourselves to let it in.

alphasquish · 2021-06-09T01:10:59+00:00

Right there with you…went through a breakup from an engagement a few months ago mainly due to ex-wife and teenage kids drama, also triggered some issues I thought I’d resolved and was turning me into this anxious, naggy, miserable person I hated, and also realized he was an LVM even though he appeared to have a lot of green flags.

I’d say I felt really shitty until about a month ago. Loneliness, guilt, blaming myself, wondering wtf was wrong with me. Like you, I realized that my relationship was NOT a safe harbor and it was destroying me .I started therapy 2 months ago, which has been amazing, and now I’m also doing the inward focus. FDS has helped a lot.

What has been really helping outside therapy is working on my leveling up goals in small chunks. A bad habit I’ve had is making lofty goals, trying to do too much at once, failing, and then saying fuck it. It is definitely not a good way to go through life and ends in self-sabotage. So, one of my goals is to revamp my eating habits. Instead of saying, tomorrow I’m going to wake up and intermittent fast, eat all keto, log my food, etc….For about a week now, I’ve been logging my food consistently and eating within my fasting window. Next week, I will add a larger calorie reduction to that. The following week, I will start changing up the foods I’m consuming. So, I’m building a good habit slowly and being kind to myself with a reasonable time window. I think this can be applied to anything.

I know it still hurts. I know you are probably wrestling with doubts as to whether you did the right thing. Let me tell you….you did. My guess is you had doubts all throughout the relationship but got lovebombed and sucked into drama. It’s so hard when you’re in it, and when you’re out, it’s like wtf happened there.

You did the right thing, OP. It may be lonely and sad. You may get upset thinking about the good parts of the life you had with your fiancé. You may get upset thinking about the life you planned with him that is no longer an option. But it’s now YOUR life again. You can move forward without dealing with the fallout of someone else’s life mistakes that they handle poorly. And when you are ready to do so, you can open yourself up to meeting a HVM that you will be able to vet with your FDS lens and you will never go back to a loveless marriage or shitty LVM that can’t handle the reality of post-divorce life.

azureangel35 · 2021-06-09T02:24:01+00:00

Beautifully put sis. I don't have advice as I'm struggling with the same feeling right now. 🕉

saraswati_beans · 2021-06-09T03:51:08+00:00

It makes perfect sense. I’m in a very similar place. I initiated a long-overdue breakup almost a year ago with a man whom I thought was “it” for me— the relationship lasted for three years and was my first serious, long-term relationship after my divorce. It really did feel like “my reward” for living through/getting out of my toxic, abusive marriage. That was the narrative I had in my head. And I had my head in the sand when it came to the new man. I explained away red flag after red flag, because I was hellbent on living out the Second Chance Love Story that I thought I “deserved” as a result of surviving/leaving my marriage. Eventually his behavior and our deep incompatibility was such that I couldn’t sustain the narrative anymore and I broke it off.

I have been single and not focused on dating/men since the breakup. And most of the time, I feel ok about being single— happy even. But at times I find myself thinking, “this is fine for now, but I’ll be even better once I find a compatible/ HV partner.” There is a sense of waiting for the next act to begin, a next act that can only be ushered in by a new relationship. Rationally, I know that a relationship isn’t the Goal, isn’t necessary, and isn’t guaranteed. But the cultural/familial programming around the primacy of the romantic relationship runs deep. I don’t know if I’m capable of ever fully breaking free of it.

I don’t have any answers or advice other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and when you notice the old holding pattern/ waiting for the love story script start to kick in, name it. Recognize it for what it is. Remember that it’s not the truth. It will take time for the truth of who you are on your own to overwrite the false narrative that you’re somehow incomplete without a relationship. It’s taking time for me, but it is happening. I’ve had setbacks but I can see I’ve made real progress and experienced real growth. Progress and growth is kind of all we can really hope for, IMO.

Title	Struggling with the reality this isn’t temporary
Author	Foomama48
Upvotes	118
Comments	26
Date	June 8, 2021 11:15 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	/r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/struggling-with-the-reality-this-isnt-temporary.783707 https://theredarchive.com/post/783707
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nvhfhp/struggling_with_the_reality_this_isnt_temporary/