That time I THOUGHT I was dating a HVM 🤡 And the PLETHORA of red flags I ignored

Let me share an embarrassing story about a time where I deluded myself into thinking I was dating a HVM because he simply had a good career, planned dates, and didn't try to get me in bed right away (the bar is in HELL, y'all). Perhaps sharing my experience here and what I learned will be cathartic as the fallout and subsequent path to FDS salvation was a trying one (but worth it all the same).

Quick background: We met on Bumble 🤡 and we hit it off right away. I appreciated how goal-oriented he was and his passion for music. On the surface, he was good-looking, well-dressed, had a nice career, and was respectful. Bare minimum, but in the dust-encrusted seas of dating apps, he stuck out.

Now here's where things started going downhill, the glaring red flags 🚩 and the pick me decisions I made that led to this "situationship" crashing and burning:

​

1. He asked me out and told me he’d follow up with a list of restaurants for me to choose from and he’d make a reservation at the one I liked the most. Then he fell off of the face of the earth for weeks, only to return claiming he was busy with work 🚩He apologized and I decided to give him another chance. At this point and time, there's absolutely no reason why he shouldn't have been BLOCKED AND DELETED.
2. He'd thoughtfully plan out dates, took me to nice spots around the city, I never had to lift a finger. He kept his hands to himself. However, after a date he'd either fall off the face of the earth again for days at a time (sometimes over a week), only to reach out when he wanted to plan a date. I grew tired of this and canceled a date last minute and he reached out apologizing saying he is aware of how bad he is at communication because of his "high demanding job" but would have appreciated it if I called him out on this behavior. Mind you, this was still early on in the dating stage. He says he likes women who are “direct” and can communicate their needs. I told him I like men who are self-aware and take accountability for their actions and don’t depend on other people to take them to task; And if he wanted someone to get him in line, to call his mother. He was speechless. Still should have taken this absurd conversation as a cue to kick his ass to the curb but hindsight is 20/20.
3. He was extremely self-absorbed, insecure, and superficial -- was obsessed with wealth and status. His main topic of discussion was his "high demanding job" and side hustles, as well as humblebrags about his vacations and accomplishments, or the latest men's seminar on manhood he went to. EW! He cared more about maintaining an image of wealth and success and having a trophy gf/wife than actually cultivating anything of genuine depth. All Gucci pants and no substance.
4. Was salty about his ex telling him he needed therapy (he does) and said SHE needed help 🚩
5. Trauma dumped on me early on about his mother struggling with severe mental illness and his experience surviving cancer. An obvious tactic I fell for, building a false sense of intimacy and I idiotically opened up about my past trauma. A fatal mistake 🚩
6. When I mentioned wanting to apply for a high-level role at my company, he said I wasn’t ready for something like that and needed more experience. Also said that me getting my Masters was unnecessary and a waste of time.
7. Had been living in the US for over a DECADE but claims he basically has no friends. Either he’s a huge liar, or has 0 social skills. I’m going for the former even though he’s shit at interacting with people.
8. On one of the last dates we went on, he spent hundreds of dollars on a couples massage and DIDN’T TIP THE MASSEUSES. He claimed it wasn’t a custom in his country, even though he’s been in the US for over a decade. Then when I got sick, he didn’t bother to bring me anything, come over to check on me, all I got were a couple of measly “Are you feeling better?” texts. And whenever I was stressed out at work, instead of being empathetic and listen, he’d say “I think it’s important to have a positive attitude” and dismiss me. Barf.
9. About 5 months in, he finally decides he wants to be "exclusive" Not BF/GF, but exclusive. I had not slept with him prior to this, however, when we finally did weeks afterward, he says he’s not ready for a relationship but really respects and cares about me so he decides to be honest. Claims he recently had this revelation that he wasn’t ready to be in another long-term relationship even though he can see us together. Says he wants to keep dating but wants to spend even more time with me as he gets to know me and reiterates how much of an “amazing woman” I am. I told him hell no. After which, he's both shocked and angry at my decision, and at that point, I FINALLY blocked and deleted after that.

In the aftermath, I spent WAY too much time putting him on a pedestal and thinking he was the “one that got away”. What. Was. I. Thinking???? Outside of planning and paying for dates, knowing how to use a shower, and earning a decent living, he had no genuine redeeming qualities that I ACTUALLY value. I can’t believe I deluded myself into believing he was High Value based on the BARE MINIMUM.

It was a situation that really, really hurt at the time. Sometimes, it still stings. But was a lesson learned: I’ll shortchange and delude myself like that ever, ever, again.

So tldr; met a guy, thought he was the bees knees because he made good money, planned dates, and properly groomed himself. Turned out to be a self-absorbed a-hole who waited 5 months to ask me to be exclusive only to sleep with me then say he's not ready for a relationship afterward. Learn from my mistakes and understand that just because a guy looks good on paper, doesn't mean he's high value.