The behavior exhibited on dating apps can be profoundly demoralising to women and it affects our lives offline. Yet another reason to get off the apps! Link to full article in comment.

myoklife · 2021-06-20T12:37:34+00:00

I said it once and I'll say it again a million times

Dating apps are literally wading through a sewer looking for a wedding ring. You owe it to yourself to stay out of the sewer.

We need to get off these apps. All women. Let the apps die and force people to put effort into dating again instead of doing it from the safety of their toilet.

Sewud · 2021-06-20T13:49:45+00:00

Therapist need to arm themselves to deal with men who continue to pursue women online after they said no. This is a relatively new development, but it's perfect for men to continue to disrespect women's consent.

Ana_jp · 2021-06-20T14:52:11+00:00

This is how I feel about OLD. I joined because I thought being able to filter for men who don’t want kids would save me time. But what those filters don’t keep away are the guys who didn’t list that info anywhere in their profile.

I made the mistake of assuming these men were reading my profile when we matched and that they also didn’t want children and were looking for a long term relationship, because why swipe on someone that isn’t looking for the same thing you are... my assumption turned out to be wrong 99.9% of the time. They systemically did not care about what I wanted. Cared so little they didn’t even take 30 seconds to read. It probably didn’t even occur to them that I may have wants of my own and that my time matters.

It didn’t affect my self worth, because that’s clearly a them and not a me problem, but it was a constant reminder that women’s wants and needs are chronically ignored in society and I got tired of that. I like to at least pretend that I’m equal for my sanity.

It’s just a lesser version of:

“Hey COVID vaccine companies, can you study how this affects menstrual cycles?”

“We aren’t going to do that, but we will check if this prick makes it hard for that prick to get hard...”

ihaveafunnyname71 · 2021-06-20T15:21:08+00:00

I’m so torn about dating apps. I met my HVH on one by some miracle. And the more I read FDS the more miraculous he seems to me tbh.

I hated online dating, it felt like I would come home from a long, mentally taxing day at work, only to “work” online more to weed out guys and set up dates to meet. And then I’d have to mentally prepare so much for the “interview”...

I was done, and my niece encouraged me to give it one more shot and the stars collided and whatever all that nonsense speak talks of.

I don’t know that my OLD strategy had anything to do with meeting my husband but I’ll share if it could help.

I am former military and live in a military town so needless to say that clean cut look is what I’m attracted to. Being former military myself I was easily able to weed out the cat fishers with a couple of what should have been easy to answer questions if they really WERE in the military. And being older, it’s rare guys my age are still active duty any. That made it simple.

I didn’t limit my pool to only my “type”. I went out with a few guys who had zero connection to the military and ended up finding they were too intimidated by my independence and those didn’t get past date one or two.

Takeaway: green flag when guys ask about your history. Red flag when it makes them feel suddenly competitive or they need to be extra “masculine” to compensate.

I’d only let a conversation continue to the following weekend without a date being planned. So if we matched on a Tuesday and there wasn’t a date by Sunday, we wouldn’t be talking anymore the next week. Cancelled dates didn’t get re-planned (unless it was a weather event or similar). If either showed they weren’t that interested in actually meeting, they were playing some online games, or they didn’t have their shit together enough to know that “whatever” was already scheduled the day they set for the date. And I don’t do well with last minute anything. LOL

ANY sex talk before or during the first date and I was out.

I had a favorite local restaurant/coffee/wine bar that I was friendly with the staff at and most of my first dates were there. Being comfortable in my surroundings made it much easier to focus on the actual conversation instead of having to keep half my attention on the surroundings for “signs of anything odd”. Also I could order a small glass of wine and slowly sip it if the date was going well, or the bartender knew if I sent it back because it had “gone over” (only happened once but she let me know they watched my table to make sure he left and didn’t linger). And I would get “caught up in a chat” if I didn’t want the guy to walk me to my car after. “Oh hey, thanks for the evening, good luck with the online dating world, I’m gonna catch up with so and so for a bit. Have a nice day”. Only once I got ‘chastised’ when I’d gotten back in a message saying I was so “rude to not set up a next date”. I didn’t bother to reply.

I NEVER gave my phone number out until after we met and I wanted to go on a next date. Anyone who complained wasn’t someone I wanted to meet. And I never communicated off platform until then. No kik or whatever they’d try to move you over to for whatever nefarious reason.

I dated for a year or so that way... had a couple short relationships, and several 3-5 date series...

I looked at OLD as a friend setting me up on a blind date except I got to peek at the guy they were setting me up with. That’s all it was to me, a vehicle to set up dates where I could meet the guy and see if I wanted to go on a “real date”.

And after reading so many horror stories... I’ll admit I got super lucky matching with someone so compatible.

Oh, and one other thing that was hard for me as a gen X’er fresh out of a 20 year marriage... breaking up with a guy who wants to keep dating you but it’s just not going to work. Once upon a time I’d have tried to “change just a little bit of that part of me” to not hurt their feelings and stay in a relationship that continued to get worse and worse. That’s how I got stuck in that 20 year marriage with a LVM... I wanted to be “nice” and didn’t want to hurt their feelings.

That first breakup was hard. I felt like I needed to explain why, and thank goodness for my therapy, I wrote down a script of what I would say and how I’d respond to various replies... I didn’t bring it with but writing it out was so helpful, I never stuttered and he went away without too many hurt feelings.

Anyway, thought I’d throw out what OLD strategy worked for me. An introvert who likes to be home. Met and married another introvert who likes to be home. We’d never have crossed paths in real life.

Apprehensive_Ad_7917 · 2021-06-20T15:09:23+00:00

I saw something the other day and want to find it but it essentially said that OLD is filled with people who have avoidant attachment styles. Essentially you’re trying to find a relationship with people who are least likely to attach.

HoneyBouquet · 2021-06-20T13:25:09+00:00

My older sister said to me if she was single (she is married to a HVM) she would attend events or clubs and live her own life instead of being on the apps.

As a Muslim desi women living in London it is a bitter pill to swallow that the majority of the men on Muslim dating marriage apps are not good enough for me.

I haven't used them in 6 months and will not when I move to UAE in August.

Twohagsover30 · 2021-06-20T11:46:53+00:00

Article: Link to Guardian article

She mentions how being treated poorly again and again is insidious; it deeply affects how we view ourselves and how we think we deserve to be treated. "The more it happens, the more damage."

Her conclusion is that we shouldn't necessarily get off the apps. Rather, she suggests nexting men who behave terribly. This is correct to some extent- yet if men on the apps are behaving poorly, we should protect ourselves by not exposing ourselves to them in the first place!

The HVM that you hope are on those apps are also out at restaurants with their friends, shopping in local stores, engaging in hobbies, volunteering in their community, walking their dog around the park, and participating in networking events. We do not need an app to meet them. There is absolutely no positive to joining OLD.

Crazycatsarey · 2021-06-20T16:47:07+00:00

It definitely does happen more to women yes, the amount of times I've had gross or entitled comments thrown my way on OLD... 🤢 If men want to see what it's really like being a female online, they should pretend to be an 18y/o attractive woman and watch all the inbox messages roll in. I think they'd be very enlightened lol!

_electrafire · 2021-06-20T19:19:15+00:00

I hate how we’re expected to lie and say “people of all orientations” are affected by abuse even when it’s actually only women who experience it disproportionately. The article simply pointing this out felt so validating and relieving because the gaslighting is nonstop and seemingly never-ending

Coolgirl42069nice · 2021-06-20T22:03:52+00:00

Yup. If I had documented all the mistreatment I got it would be pages and pages.

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2021-06-20T17:11:20+00:00

I haven’t had this issue recently, but I’m highly selective about who I swipe right on, I unmatch pretty quickly if things seem weird, and I also ask for a phone or video call before meeting anyone in person. By the time I meet someone, of course I wouldn’t call them HVM because that takes month if not years to determine, but at least they seem like quality human beings.

On the flip side, because I’m so selective from the start, I often go weeks without chatting with anyone. Usually I get to the point where the app says “nobody in this area matches your criteria” or something like that so I take a break and go back a little bit later. I think that’s ok!

A long time ago, I was less selective, and I did chat with a few weirdos - but never got to the point where I met them in person. Usually they filtered themselves out in the chat, “the trash takes itself out.”