Long ago, I dated this guy and he had kept his exes and women around as "friends". I wanted to be the cool girl, and wanted him to pick me in the worst way, so I thought (honk honk I was a clown!) that by not giving him any problems and smiling when he said he was taking another woman to hangout I told him "I am so happy you have friends and it is important to spend time with them! Have fun".... I thought it would make like me. Off the bat, it bothered me. I'd try having him invite his female friends to hangout as a group or to tag along or even said let's set them up with another dude and we can double date... but nothing worked. He was always asking his male friends over and I knew all of them well because of that, but I was never allowed to meet his female friends.

My pickme friends said I had to be cool and that it is "normal" for guys to have other friends. They looked at me like a three headed alien and said I was being "crazy jealous" and "needed to give him space".

Early into the relationship, he called me up at the last minute. He said his "lesbian friends from school" were drunk at a party and called asking for a ride home. He insisted he pick me up along the way and we could see a movie afterwards. So I agreed. In the car, he admitted that the party was at his exes house. Patty* had cheated on him and he had recently dumped her before getting with me. He painted her out to be this monster that continually cheated on him, and he kept giving her chances, getting more heartbroken every time she repeated the cheating. Yet we were going to her house and he spilled this info as we pulled into her street.

Of course we get to the party, and he darts off and I'm alone with people I don't even know. I wander around and thankfully see someone I recognize from school. The look on his face said it all and he blurted out "why the hell are you here? Patty hates you. All she does is trash talk you." I explained the situation. My classmate found the couple that he was supposed to take home. My classmate laughed, the couple wasn't drunk and never contacted my bf for a ride, they were baffled, and warned me Patty was bad news but so was my BF. quickly, my classmate and the couple pointed out that they saw patty and my boyfriend. My bf had taken patty off into a corner of the yard with his back turned to me, some distance away. Patty quickly saw me and gave me a malicious stare. Suddenly, she pounced on my bf giving him his sexual super tight, almost caressing like, embrace of a hug, she held onto him, stroking his shoulders and back. She looked straight into my eyes as she stroked him, giving me a sinister smile.

Thankfully some random person approached patty, and then I started walking over to my bf. He ran to me and said let's get out of here. I agreed. All I ended up saying to him about it was "I don't like patty. I think it would be best to leave her in your past, please cut the ties with her." He agreed.

A few weeks later Patty had requested to follow me on social media. My pickme friends insisted that I "become friends with the exes and all his female friends" because they would "warn me about any bad things he does" and I "should listen to them". Foolishly, I became even more of a clown, and listened to them. I snooped around Patty's social media and saw she still had all the old pics of them when they dated and how she was liking and commenting on a lot of his recent posts.

A few days later, Patty messaged me asking "hey I have a question for you?" I left her on read. My bf and my bestie were planning a big day trip for the upcoming weekend. I didn't know it but my best friend was super close with Patty, and my best friend had secretly been running back to patty telling her everything about me and my bf. On the morning of the trip, patty messaged me again "are you still dating (bfs name)?" Again I ignored her. My bf was driving and we had just started the commute to the destination for the trip. I noticed my bestie kept texting and sort of hiding her phone a lot during the ride. Then literally as soon as we arrived and just started unloading the car, my bestie got a phone call. She answered and then lowered the phone shouting "its patty! She really wants to talk to (my bfs name) and wants to know why you don't talk to her anymore! She says she really needs to speak to him!" My bf rolled his eyes and went to grab the phone from my bestie. I stepped in between them looked at my bestie and yelled "tell patty she has NO business with him, they broke up months ago. If she has anything to say, tell her she can go on speakerphone or she can speak directly to me." I took the phone to my ear and patty said angrily "just tell him I miss him! Okay!" I told her "move on already." My bestie then talked more with her and admitted she was jealous that I won't be friends with her and didn't want her and my ex talking. She heard about the trip and was butthurt she didn't get invited. I went to carry the stuff and was like I came all the way here to have a good time, im not letting patty hold up or cause problems, let's enjoy the trip. So I walked off and started having a good time. My bf followed and 15 minutes later my friend caught up and then tried mentioning patty again saying "we should ask her next time, why can't we all be friends". I shook my head and was like "I'm not here to discuss this anymore, dont bring her up again." And I changed the subject and went back to having fun.

Time passed, he kept hanging out with other women. One stood out in particular. He was always seeing her and would get invited over and even hangout with the other womans mother. One day though, I had the chance to snoop. My bf had gone out to pickup some takeout and forgot his phone on the table. I sat near the window so I could see if his car made its way back. And I watched him enough to know what his password was. I snooped.

Tons of texts and Facebook messages to Patty, she'd even text him at 3am "this reminded me of you". They went back for a while. From the tone of the convo, it seems like a lot of stuff had been deleted. The messages with the other woman were the same way. When snooping you have to be mindful that guys might be smart enough to delete off some of the messages so it looks like they are "just friends". But I found out he had been stopping by to get stuff he "forgot" from her house and whatnot. Everything was suspicious.

When my bf came home we ate and then I asked about Patty. He lied saying he "blocked her everywhere" months ago, after the party. I let him keep lying. Then I asked him about the other woman and I was like im glad you have friends though, she seems like such a great person, why don't we all hangout, and all our other friends want to meet her.

I watched him lie more. He made up more bs excuses saying she isn't social and she's rude to other people, etc Everything he kept saying was ridiculous.

I stayed with this guy for another few months. I knew what was happening. But I was a pickme. I felt like I didn't have "real proof" of the cheating and my pickme friends gaslit me more into believing i was "irrational, jealous, and getting too clingy".

Around that time I posted a quote about how couples should stay loyal to each other and not let other people jeopardize the relationship. Patty swiftly commented on it "girl, YOU need to trust your man! If you can't trust your man, than the real problem is you. Trust me, and trust your man."

I read it and spat out my water. Then I sobbed. Finally, it all clicked. Yeah he was wrong for being a cheater, but the people that were even more poisonous to me were all the other pickmes gaslighting me to "TrUsT mY mAn." Why? Because other women that are pickmes love pretending to be your friend, so they gain your trust, and then can decieve by deliberately giving you bad advice and gaslighting you. The other moral of the story is men lie, and lie, and lie some more, and then when you start suspecting anything they immediately get defensive and twist it round to gaslight you. Men will delete texts and make fake accounts, use snapchat, texting apps, other phones and other numbers, they'll fake business trips, interviews, etc to cheat and think thats enough to hide the evidence. You don't need evidence. If you have a gut feeling, if anything seems shady, and most importantly if he starts behaving/treating you differently- spare yourself the agony and sleepless nights and just leave him. Don't say a word. Don't explain. Just leave and block him out your life.

And if that wasn't enough, I eventually did get my "hard" evidence, the "hard proof" he was cheating. Do not wait until you get the hard proof.

Cutoff your pickme friends NOW. for the pickmes you have to see, like family or coworkers, distance yourself as much as possible from them and when you do have to talk to them avoid anything about relationships. If they bring it up, say you don't want to discuss it and change the subject.

If I didn't have pickme friends gaslighting me and I listened to myself instead I would have avoided so much of the mess from that relationship.

*patty is a made up name