Walk away from people who overshare EARLY on in dating

katiekat0214 · 2021-07-30T21:54:09+00:00

Online, I see it a lot: they just want an intelligent pack mule, and already have a whole life planned out, where the woman is the angel in the house. She wants nothing, needs nothing, provides all, is constantly giving, available, on call. They want to dump someone else's kids, go off and live their life, work, or do whatever, while the woman takes over the day-to-day running of the entire household.

And then they seem gobsmacked when I turn down this exceptionally sweet deal. They assume being divorced and widowed, single five years now, with no kids of my own, means I'm totally open and available to anything, any situationship, any kind of relationship, just to have A MAYYUN in my life, just to have kids, any kids. My whole attitude: whatever, bro, I'm here in Louisiana around friends and family so you'd need to move here on your own dime, sort your own housing, sort out a job, sort out childcare. It would most definitely be living apart, separate finances, and I'd never babysit. So surprising and shocking how all interest simply evaporates!

meetme__atsunset · 2021-07-30T22:16:37+00:00

I had a guy share on the first date a lot of emotional trauma, including self-esteem issues, problem drinking, and the fact he'd been cheated on. Clown that I was, it didn't scare me away 🤡 Later learned he was a married father! He was crying to me about a cheating ex breaking his heart while he was out with me rather than his wife! I should've run for the hills when he first brought it up. Lesson more than learned!

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-07-30T22:43:43+00:00

⚠️Trigger warning ⚠️

Once I went on a few dates with a guy who told me on the second date that he struggled with depression and that only one month prior he had to be in a mental hospital because he attempted s**cide. Being young and inexperienced back then, I felt like I owed it to him to keep dating him because I would be so terrible to cut him loose because of mental health issues🤡 he was very manipulative, he’d use his mental health as an excuse to lie to me, triangulate me with other girls, and be emotionally abusive. Dating him was a nightmare, thankfully everything crashed and burned after a few weeks but it still left me terrified. He even told me he knew he wasn’t ready to start dating but he was feeling lonely and I could help him heal🚩🚩🚩

If someone opens up about their personal issues way too early, run for the hills, never look back!🚩🚩 it never ends well, they’re looking for a free therapist. Don’t spend your emotional and mental energy on someone who needs professional help!

jjlew922 · 2021-07-30T22:53:57+00:00

Yes! Over sharing as well as tons of texting/contact within the first few dates is a huge red flag. It shows either a codependent personality at best or a narcissistic personality at worst to try to get you trauma bonded into a false reality. As someone who doesn’t like to waste my time and a deep thinker, I’m not great at small talk and can see how my sharing could be contrived as such but what is significant is if the sharing is contextual to the conversation and to provide input into ones life and lessons learned from it all. There is a matter-of-fact, without emotion of regret or victimhood or I healed wounds, behind it.

Most men I’ve noticed who over share absolutely love playing the victim. When you ask them what they learned or believe was the cause you will 100% get deflection as if they have no idea or the other party was malicious or crazy. That’s your ticket out ladies! It shows a lack of depth of character and ownership of their lives.

r4nd0m-u53r · 2021-07-31T02:25:40+00:00

If I notice a guy is verging into over sharing I love to ask them what their red flags are... I do it really light and playful, they think it's funny and they often answer pretty honestly. One guy told me he has an anger problem but he is "working on it" no thanks !

Sallou9 · 2021-07-30T23:13:19+00:00

A guy I know very personally is awful for this. Within 2 dates he's telling me stories of how the last text he wrote was 8 paragraphs and "Do you think that scared her away?" or how he's already told her about his abusive father who used to beat up his mum*

*Bonus points of irritation here: his older sisters have been more profoundly affected by their dads behaviour, (he was too young to even remember or witness any beatings, as they stopped when the oldest son turned 16, and only knows about the beatings from the older sisters stories. His younger sister didnt see any violence but had to be the one calming down his alcoholic rages).

Yet these poor sisters are the ones who have to still see the dad to do all the mediating between him and the rest of the family, and they find it very upsetting. This dude, lets call him Pete, left the family home at about 23, without looking back, wont talk to the father- tells the sisters its their fault that seeing the dad upsets them because they should choose not to see him like Pete himself does (even though they do it to sort out stuff for their mom). In other words, he doesnt help at all with the tricky situation that his the family still having contact with the dad for techical stuff like money or paperwork.

And when the sisters talk about how growing up seeing violence (older sister) and having to walk on eggshells and try and appease a drunk man for years (younger sister)... Pete even blames him mom for not leaving the Dad soon enough. But not to her face. Tells her he loves her when he sees her once every 2 months. Has not spoken to or heard from his dad in years. Forgets he exists; is barely affected by it. Is bitchy about his mom with regards to it all.

Why am I detailing all this?? Because when hes dating a woman he'll tell her his heartbreaking life story of growing up seeing a violent man beat his mom, how its left him broken, how he loves his mom so much, how hes so profoundly depressed about it all and he's still suffering the effects. If its face to face- Ive had girls tell me hes waxed lyrical like this across 3 hours in the middle of the bar. On the first or second date.

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2021-07-31T05:08:24+00:00

I just did this!!!! Went on one date and WOW he told me a lot that he shouldn’t have. Just friggin word vomit all over the place about his ex and bla bla bla . Then he said something like “ I feel so exposed right now.” I think he also used the word vulnerable.

Now, I don’t know if he was doing this on purpose as a manipulative tactic. However, my first reaction was pity. Then, after I thought about it for a little while, a few days, I just felt anger. I’m not your therapist dude!!! Thank you FDS I spot this stuff so much earlier now thanks to this sub!!

londochig · 2021-07-31T04:04:46+00:00

Thanks for sharing. This is very true. The worst most abusive man I've ever met, ranted about his ex the entire first date. Apparently she led him on for 10 years and then married someone else 🙄 This woman was just smart enough to escape a narc. Upon questioning him further it seems like they didn't even establish that they were in a relationship. Good on her for not wanting to be in a forever situationship. This is an incredibly important post. In my Pickmeisha days I'd empathize with these emotionally stunted men. Now I'm so put off by doing any emotional labour on the first date. He is most likely an abuser/narc if he's oversharing on a first date.

Aocwannabe · 2021-07-31T04:44:44+00:00

Even in the very best case scenario of them just being socially awkward vs a sinister Narc- the oversharing is a reflection that he doesn’t have anyone to talk to😬

So he will expect you to be social director and therapist. Hard pass.

DumahDie · 2021-07-31T04:22:36+00:00

I told a guy specific places I liked to eat (had an eating disorder back then). He took me to one 30 mins away I’d never been to, which took me another 30 mins to order bc I was panicking about food, and then he mentioned he HOPED IT WAS OK HE BROUGHT HIS EX GF HERE BEFORE. Bruh. I would not have known if you hadn’t brought it up.

There was no second date.

RuntheContinent · 2021-07-31T05:14:22+00:00

I once went out with a guy from OLD who shared on the first date (haha) that he had been in jail (recently) for reckless endangerment or something like that after he had broken his child's leg in the car when he was throwing a tantrum. Obviously it was an aCciDeNT and his wife was such a resentful bitch for telling law enforcement he had some anger management issues. Lots of whining about only getting supervised visits with his kids, and of course it's all the wife's fault for some reason! Woe is him. I'm not proud to say I did see the guy more than once before I saw the light. There was a lot more oversharing and self pity. He turned out to be exactly as toxic as you might expect.

It's painful how easy it is to fall for this crap faux intimacy if you're not aware.

Platipus6 · 2021-07-30T22:39:45+00:00

If a dude says his ex cheated, instantly block. Either he's lying and he's a controlling, guilt-tripping monster, or he's telling the truth and it's turned him into a controlling, guilt-tripping monster who needs therapy.

mxmoon · 2021-07-31T06:07:59+00:00

My ex husband was abusive. TW: He told me he was sexually abused as a child on our second date. THE RELATIONSHIP WAS A NIGHTMARE.

Affectionate-Rush893 · 2021-07-31T00:59:39+00:00

I met a guy in college. Stood me up for our first date because he "got prescribed new medication and it made him tired". Never told me what the medication was or what it was for. Red flag number one.

We reschedule the date. He spends most of it telling me the story about how he went back to his under grad alma mater (he was at my university for his masters) to visit some friends. He was staying in a hotel nearby, and the cleaning lady comes in and solicited him for sex so she could make extra money. He smiled at me and said "Don't worry. I wore a condom". Then he told me the story about how he and his best friend Bob spent a whole summer fucking each other. Another smile and a "Don't worry. After all that I'm still straight".

Unfortunately it still took a little while and a couple of buck wild incidents for me to finally break it off

londochig · 2021-07-31T04:12:40+00:00

Wow based on all these comment and my ex-narc oversharing and playing the victim on the first date I'd be interested in knowing if there any studies showing a correlation of early oversharing and abusers/narcs. Definitely saving this post.

Soso3213 · 2021-07-31T15:59:21+00:00

I once called out a guy for being hot and cold when messaging (during the pandemic). I wasn’t making a big deal; I was only pointing out that he’s annoyed now that I’m busy.

He chose that moment to tell me all about how, his dad passed away several years ago and his life was hard. I thought about if I’d be a horrible person for pushing back on that but decided it needed to be said. So I let him go on and then asked what that had to do with his inability to communicate properly at this age 🤡

DuchessDurag · 2021-07-31T21:59:54+00:00

Most guys will tell on themselves, you gotta just read between the lines 😵‍💫

Never fall for guys who tell sob stories on a date. Most times there’s a good reason why their ex left them. No ones baggage should make you feel depressed on a date.

divination__ · 2021-08-01T13:18:47+00:00

this is one of the first signs of narcissism or sociopathy. they want pity to be the first emotion you feel towards them, as that marks you as a good victim (an empath/someone already too giving). then, after that initial dynamic is set (THEY are the victim), they can use that to gaslight you whenever you bring up issues - how dare you ask them to contribute more, don't you know they're depressed? how dare you have issue with their controlling behaviour, don't you know they've been cheated on? or they do it to get you to share your own issues and trauma and create a false sense of intimacy rapidly and quickly, before you see them for who they really are.

think about it - healthy people do not want to share what makes them vulnerable because they are scared of being hurt. a narcissist or a sociopath doesn't believe you have the capacity to hurt them, and you probably don't (at least not more than they can hurt you), so they have no qualms with putting on a vulnerable act to get what they want from you. it is a definite red flag.

neon_skelton · 2021-08-02T11:15:45+00:00

I had a first date last year, after being engaged for five years. So I was dipping my toes into the pool.

This man told me, on the first date, that his ex wife had cheated on him multiple times and that she had gotten pregnant to someone else. He said he’d stay with her if she had a termination but then he said she said he didn’t support her so she ended it.

He also showed me photos of their wedding and how she was cheating on him then. He told me about his issues with his mother and father. He told me he younger brother was in and out of juvie and had a child at 14.

I did not need to know all that. I did not need to know any of that in the first hour of meeting him, unless he was going to pay me for therapy.

I know now I would leave, but I was shocked at the time. And it reminded me of what my ex was like on our first date, which I thought was him being open but was really him love bombing me.

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xfelugirlx · 2021-09-21T07:24:32+00:00

No my ex nvm telling me all his high school trauma, exs the third date, glad we know better now

Expensive-Worker5767 · 2021-09-11T04:21:42+00:00

Yes! Recently was seeing someone that way over shared early on. Turned out to be a total fuckboi. There is an older post about emotional fuckbois and fit him to a T. I think they are more dangerous than the typical fuckboi. -2/10 would not recommend, but led me to FDS 🥳

Title	Walk away from people who overshare EARLY on in dating
Author	AC7878
Upvotes	426
Comments	47
Date	July 30, 2021 9:42 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ouukz7/walk_away_from_people_who_overshare_early_on_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/walk-away-from-people-who-overshare-early-on-in.795732 https://theredarchive.com/post/795732