Here’s the backstory:

  1. this is important for later: I was in the tech field. He was a school teacher with a degree in literature and wrote poetry. So I would call him a poet. *You write poetry, you’re an artist and a poet is how I see it and I don’t care how much of an amateur you consider yourself. I told him, I had two degrees and was working on my Masters. One was a BA. I also informed him how I was an artist since childhood and that I wrote romance and fantasy stories for years. Therefore, I call myself an artist and a writer.

During our second date, he felt the need to be proud of our differences and this opposites attract bullshit. I looked at him funny before he started firing off his reasons cause he was white and I’m not lol. I was the first black woman he’d dated. Ugh. He pointed it out anyways :/ but didn’t linger on it. Instead, he ended up saying one of the most insulting things I had ever heard in my life:

As he looks away with stars in his eyes, he gushes, “...I’m an artist and you’re... a tech person.” Eh?!

Because two out of my three degrees were in IT and my title at work???? I explained on the first date, in simple terms, how I was basically a digital artist and that everyone in the office came to me for artistic direction which was one reason I was hired lol. Idk why I didn’t just end the date there.

  1. The next day after this second date (that was admittedly fun after that aforementioned nonsense) he calls me on the phone to break things off . HE ASKS, “you’re strong right?” I say yes but I didn’t understand what he meant so I asked him to clarify. He merely repeated himself to then emphasize that him cutting things off with me will then hurt me less than it’s hurting him. Lol okay. Ever been so confused you’re rendered speechless?

  2. After he is freaking out about telling me he doesn’t think we should see each other anymore, he (I’m legit laughing as I type this shit out) asks me another question: “Is there anything you can say to me to help me get through THIS?”

Now, I’m extremely maternal despite having no children. I’m one of the pillars of my family and ppl come to me for advice all the time/I get punished for being honest or repeateding exactly what was said to me back to them so they can hear themselves. I’m that person. So I’ve made too many mistakes of having little to no boundaries throughout my life (I’m sure you already picked that up) ... until this man-child asked me that VERY question.

I remember so clearly how I wasn’t angry. I was suspiciously calm and I surprised myself when I replied softly, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say to you.”

It was amazing because I knew myself to always find something to say to comfort someone who is in pain. Even if it was pain they shared with me before but didn’t want to learn their lesson yet. But I felt supported by idk the universe and I immediately took away MY LESSON from his antics and it was that I AM CAPABLE of lettingmy guard down with someone. Despite the predatory circumstances, I emotionally upgraded, right then and there! I didn’t know I could, and even though he was a piece of shit since the beginning, I knew our short interaction was for me at that moment more than for him.

That man-child had soooooo many other issues that I would never tolerate now. Eg: putting his coat on the café floor. Not on the back of his chair... the floor.

Anyways, it took me months to finally reveal anger towards him (in private). I don’t think I could afford to feel anymore pain without suffering really bad consequences health-wise. 2016 was a tough fucking year. My ex boss of was a bully and I was still working through that trauma despite finally quitting, at the beginning of the year a child I knew died a day before their birthday and they were my first funeral, and another man-child (just before this LVM) I was confiding treated me so poorly for 10 months while I was so vulnerable from work and that death.

I’ve been working on myself so much and though I went through more ridiculous encounters (I even saw him later at a mutual friends bday party but we didn’t speak) I kept learning how all these losses are massive gains. I have an autoimmune disease that I needed to get under control so if I wanted to literally survive I had to start identifying why I would let any LV PERSON come into my life and abuse any resources or gifts I have. I attracted a LOT of broken folks who wanted someone else to fix them instead of taking a deep dive into their projections for themselves. Still attract them. Back then I was soooo willing to heal everybody else but me! Ew!

Instead of being accessible at all times, I religiously use “No.” as a complete sentence.

For him to believe he could step on my neck and ask me to breathe life into him at the same time let me know that I was extremely powerful. The unmitigated gall. Think about all the times people have done this to you. Probably happened 10 minutes ago because women are groomed to always create space for others even if it requires erasing yourself entirely. That’s a lot of reprogramming of the mind to work through but it’s worth every effort. To tell that idiot I would not provide for him felt like the most amazing feeling in the world. I charged up vs experiencing that sacrificial drain. I put up a boundary and sort of have to thank that LVM for how badly he treated me. I wish it didn’t take that moment to shamelessly confirm I’m worth way more than that, but it is what it is.

Need some encouragements? Here you go:

-Not long after, I stopped identifying as an empath and started calling myself a “pathfinder” because you can exercise the choice to let someone tap into what you have to offer. “I choose which way I will go in this moment.”

-Preservation is a key survival trait! (I’ve been on an incredible upswing in the last few months, I am happy with who I’ve become and chuckle at the fact that his now girlfriend looks almost identical to me even down to my hairstyle he spoke negatively of I had when I met him.)

-2020 is going to be cute for all of us who have been doing and are willing to do more of that ugly, uncomfortable internal work. Beauty is one of our only commodities, huh? Well, get ugly ladies! You’re valuable regardless of what you find or how the world treats you.

-Don’t be afraid to lose friends, lovers, or even family over setting standards for yourself, and practice confirming what is true about you. Phew!

-Once you learn how people react to you knowing what you won’t stand for, they start shaking. Let ‘em quake! stay safe tho

-History is a great teacher, but don’t be a habitual time traveler! Being present is important for your health! Don’t bleed all over people who didn’t cut you.

-As habitual creatures we are capable of breaking old patterns to create new ones. You can do it, and you can’t convince me otherwise. ;)

-No more of “I wish”/“I hope”. Know what you ARE and know the sold as the impossible IS POSSIBLE. Speak on it as though it is already in your life such as love. Fall in love with yourself and learn what your daily balances of give and take can feel like. Try to stop saying “I can’t” towards the things you dream of.

-Listen to your needs, and learn how to listen to your fears because you can’t be brave unless you know fear.

-Be a fool, take a leap and make mistakes. And distinguish between “mistakes” and “patterns”.

-see a therapist/professional if you can because lemme tell you... when a professional spells YOU out, the wheels really start turning as do your fortunes. Knowledge is powah!

-if possible, be vulnerable with trusted comrades because despite the level you’re at on your healing journey, you still have to deal with this world as a human lol

-empty and fill your cup when you want to and be a cheerleader for the deserving!

I have more, but maybe I’ll do a different cheerleading post elsewhere. I’m excited for 2020, and I hope any of what I said was able to help or remind someone of their personal strengths.

Sincerely, The lady who was officially tired of being tired.