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When it comes to snooping & men hiding things from their SO. The truth hurts! Let us normalize "snooping".

May 25, 2021
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Title When it comes to snooping & men hiding things from their SO. The truth hurts! Let us normalize "snooping".
Author Lavender_flow
Upvotes 2807
Comments 147
Date May 25, 2021 9:50 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]Ok_Meringue9724FDS Newbie 347 points348 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

I had a friend who's SO went to Florida for a friend's trip and she didn't think much of it. When he came back, she realised he was a little distant and cold towards her. She finally decided to check his phone one day and in his friend's groupchat, there were images and videos of him kissing and touching other women. All of his "boys" were saying really dirty things about him and that girl and my friend was PISSED. They had a huge argument and broke up. Had she not seen that, she probably would have been under the impression that it was her fault. 😣

[–]JohnThena 190 points191 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

This always irritates me when there's a story of how a woman checked her partner's phone behind their back and found out she was being lied to. And then people still find a way to shift a fraction of the blame on her for "being toxic" and going through their phone. Like how do you read something like that and put the blame on her? One, if she felt the need to do that, clearly she was already suspecting something, and two, SHE WAS BEING LIED TO? Should she have just waited for honesty, which might never come? Should she have wasted her time loving someone who was betraying her? It's always the people who have something to hide that call it "toxic".

Anyway, my policy is that if I have to resort to snooping and checking and tracking because I keep catching lies and dodgy behaviour, it's not a relationship worth staying in. As a woman I am constantly being made to feel crazy for my normal human emotions anyway, having to confront lies and bullshit would send me over the edge probably

[–]hotfuzzindahouseFDS Newbie 42 points43 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yup! Similar story happened to me. Eventually had to go through the phone and was still talking to his ex fiancé even after asked him not to and he kept up with it. This one time he came to visit, he purposely left his phone out and went for a nap in the other room. I Of course looked and he put a password on it. I pretended I didn’t notice and never brought it. He said this was the first time he ever had to put a password on his phone. Hmm..wonder why....because he constantly disrespected me and was not trustworthy.

Very shortly later, At the end of the relationship he ended up getting a new phone and I came to visit. I brought my laptop with me but hid it in my bag because I knew this was going to be the final straw and wanted solid proof Since he was acting distant. When he went to work found the old phone and went through the messages. Nothing was there which I knew was not the case. had to do some message recovery and sure enough, just a couple days prior he was talking to his ex fiancé still. Couldn’t see what they were all but just seeing that was good enough for me. Later that day he was saying how he wanted to move in together etc with me. Nope no thanks. I confronted him and said I know you were still talking to your ex and he lied straight to my face saying no. (I didn’t want to give up my secret on how I found it) but the fact he denied just like that when I have the screenshots that was it. I shouldn’t have to go to those lengths and then the fact he still denied it after proof. There’s absolutely no future with someone who refuses to take any responsibility for this actions. Then if he can’t take responsibility for that, what else in life would he not?

Definitely learned from that relationship and will never resort to that again because I’m not putting up with that ever again and I’m out the minute if ever start to feel like I’m being told I’m crazy for feeling how I feel.

[–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don't know how many detectives are women but we are basically detectives already...

[–]hotfuzzindahouseFDS Newbie 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Pretty much!

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Username checks out 😂👮‍♀️

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I left a comment about this, but I one time was awoken suddenly by force in the middle of the night by what I can only describe as either God or my intuition. I remembered the passcode that my ex had showed me or I had seen several months earlier, and then I took his phone at 2:00 a.m. and went to the bathroom and found so much evidence of cheating not to mention prn. He got so mad at me for looking through his phone and what I actually did is I logged into his Facebook using the password he gave me LOL it's not like I'm a f**ing Russian hacking bot, anyway I pretended to be him and I posted the screenshots of the evidence of him cheating on me and screenshots I found from years back of him cheating on his ex and I posted that "I was so sorry and I needed to change my ways and that started with publicly accounting for my misdeeds"

He threatened to call the cops on me and I was so scared and I would never do anything like that again, but looking back he did give me his password and it was absolutely f****** hilarious

[–]myoklifeFDS Newbie 203 points204 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah's honestly so obvious when something is up with a guy especially if something is new. You can tell the moment the honeymoon phase is over, the moment he has eyes for someone new, etc. Their behavior is so loud.

So you do what reddit says and "communicate" and of course he fucking lies! Every time! If he's unilaterally ending the relationship but stringing you along, that's dishonest in itself so yeah this is the type of dude who absolutely will lie if confronted. So he lies. Maybe does a lil gaslighting, denying that his behavior has changed. That's what this type does.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Seriously the audacity to think that they can just be cold and still continue to have sex with us or have us on the line is so audacious. If a guy turns that cold switch on me I'm just going to f****** dump him. Big difference between a guy having a hard day at the office and wanting some quiet and alone time and a guy who grimaces when you are around. Not to mention tries to micromanage you, acts embarrassed of you. It's him projecting his own shame, it's not like he can't just break up with you and date someone else LOL he doesn't f****** need to string you along.

[–]pretty_killFDS Apprentice 133 points134 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

If they had nothing to hide, it wouldn’t be snooping. A lot of people discover this stuff by accident anyways. Like my friend discovered her fiancé never deleted his Tinder account because she opened his computer and his email was up, and he had gotten an email from Tinder. She didn’t snoop, she was looking something up by borrowing his laptop, and it was right in her face.

And if women want to snoop, why is that wrong? It’s protecting yourself from wasting more time in the event there is something they’re hiding. Most likely if they get the urge to snoop, they already sense something wrong with his behavior.

[–]fdssavedmylifeFDS Newbie 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We have enough examples to prove that LVM lie and hide things in order to pretend they are HVM. Many women have believed to be with HVM only to accidentally discover the terrible truth. Phones and computers are commonly used not only to cheat, but to cover up evidence. Due to their history of poor behavior, snooping is now the only way to confirm a man is HV, and only if they don’t know you’re looking. If the OP’s friend hadn’t snooped, she may still be with a horrible person who cheated on her.

It seems depressingly common, especially “micro-cheating” (read: cheating) like keeping nude photos of exes, flirting with women on Instagram, using cam sites, etc. Men will have secret accounts, second phones, and hidden apps. They will use way more energy and effort to hide their lies than they would ever apply toward making a woman happy. Thus our options are A: blind, naive trust or B: snooping. Personally, I prefer C: celibacy.

[–][deleted] 34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Books like "the gift of fear" , "how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved", "wolf in sheep's clothing," "why does he do that" and others including "not your mother's rules" and "he's just not that into you" were so beyond helpful.... Not gaslighting yourself... If you think about it, cave women had to be extremely astute to their environment and surroundings or else they could be impregnated and possibly left for dead with no male to provide and protect. I guess that's still true today, I've even dumped guys cuz I can tell they will be a bad father despite not having any children yet. Women literally make decisions that impact generations and generations, I remember them saying that on the fds podcast.

[–]WafflesTheDuckFDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Considering how much we're pressured to let them go condomless and how much easier it is for women to get life threatening STDs, these lies about cheating aren't harmless is any way.

[–]Galileo_SparkFDS Newbie 359 points360 points  (41 children) | Copy Link

If he’s screeching and whining about how women shouldn’t snoop in the early stages of meeting you, he‘s got something to hide. He’s preemptively smearing snoopers so that you never discover his cheating, porn use, etc.

[–]JustSomeBlondeBitch 176 points177 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

My friend is dealing with this right now - she’s dating this guy since last year, felt “crazy” snooping, finally did, confirmed her suspicions when he was texting multiple different women, still had an active OLD profile, etc. She called him out, he suggested couples therapy (they’ve been dating for a few months). The thing is though, is that she’s smitten he would suggest that to “save” them. I love her so much, but I don’t even know how to begin to help her realize what’s going on. I send walls of text and she’s just like “hmm maybe”. She has a house, a better job than him, she’s more attractive and can do better. I don’t get it!!!

[–]onceuponaseaFDS Newbie 156 points157 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She’s locked into that oxytocin + trauma bond. Her nervous system is hooked. Hopefully she wakes up one day and leaves his ass.

[–]modernmedusaaRuthless Strategist 110 points111 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Couples therapy after a few months? Oh sis throw the whole man away

[–]PlaybackfromwaybackFDS Newbie 39 points40 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hahaha. Indeed. Throw the whole relationship OUT. A couple months in and therapy? Ummm- hard NO.

[–]JustSomeBlondeBitch 26 points27 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Right?? Literally not even 6 months in he suggested this after she caught him sneaking around with other girls. He’s not going to go to therapy, he obviously just thinks if he mentions it he’ll seem invested..and it worked

[–]modernmedusaaRuthless Strategist 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah this kind of behaviour actually annoys me tbh. This is why men come up to us with audacity cos the last one put up with it.

I’m telling you if he can’t not cheat within 6 months it is DOOMED. Zero future. He’s not taking her serious and probably does this a lot. Why is she signing up for a serial cheat?

[–]SeaNegotiation8FDS Apprentice 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The joke’s on him, then.

Therapists regularly suggest cheaters give up their passwords and pin codes to their partner to reestablish trust. The cheating victim is encouraged to look through the cheater’s phone or laptop as often as it takes.

But more often than not, counseling will help her realize she should dump him for violating her trust.

[–]Colour_riotFDS Newbie 43 points44 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

can do better.

I think this sub's clear labelling of shitty men as LVM and NVM helps in conveying the concept that women are better off on their own then with these men, even if they supposedly never "find better" (hypothetical scenario where she can't move from a location populated by L/NVM).

Hope your friend realises that!

[–]Lavender_flowFDS STRATEGY COACH[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Truth bomb right here.

[–]Waste-WinFDS Newbie 159 points160 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

"I've been cheating on you since the day one because the truth is I want to be married with you because it benefits me, but I still want to look for women outside our marriage"

And then, They expect you to be like "Oh It was probably so sad to keep this from me all these year, poor baby".

[–]Lavender_flowFDS STRATEGY COACH[S] 128 points129 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"He was abused at a child. Poor baby" meanwhile women suffer so much abuse and a large majority of them are still loving, caring and empathic partners

[–]Connect_Chipmunk_691FDS Newbie 36 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This a million times! Also how so many of us will bend over backwards to try to be understanding of what someone went through and how they ended up the way they did while we get kicked to the curb and who tries to understand us?

[–]CaliforniaKedFDS Apprentice 235 points236 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

This has saved me in every major relationship I’ve had. Even friends give me a hard time about it, like it’s some moral failure to care about self-preservation.

[–]TafahaDeTerreFDS Newbie 156 points157 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Because men expect you to love them at your own expense. Like it's somehow wrong for our love to be conditional or for us to have boundaries.

[–]bagthebossupFDS Newbie 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oooof saving this to stare at later.

[–]CorporatebotFDS Newbie 143 points144 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

I can echo this. Snooped through my ex’s computer and found the following all in one sitting: - He was lying about the cost of rent and charging me a higher rent price while pocketing the rest. - He watched porn multiple times a day, all the while telling me I should not watch it because he never did. This included gross anime pedo looking porn (think they call it loli). - He was on 4chan following redpill pages and pages where people were literally getting hurt or killed. Some sort of gore page. - He also had crypto accounts, proton mail email accounts (major red flag for all who are not familiar), and Patreon accounts. I would never have allowed these things had I known about it.

As I confronted him afterwards he also told me he had $30k of credit card debt. This would have been a deal breaker had he told me earlier. He tried to use this as a reason for charging me more rent. Said he didn’t realize he did that because he is so bad with money and he has no idea where his money goes.

In short, snooping likely saved my life. Seriously. I felt so guilty when I looked through his computer and now I will continue to tell other women it’s a must. No guilt any longer.

[–]queenofheartz09 50 points51 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

did you have any idea that he was possibly being shady and looking on those sites? or did he act nice/normal in real life? thats terrible Im glad you listened to your gut and snooped. I also went on my ex computer in the past and found he was cheating so its worth it to snoop if you feel something is off!

[–]CorporatebotFDS Newbie 40 points41 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He was overall nice in real life. Was never violent and was not into any BDSM or anything like that. He gave me no indication he wanted to hurt me or liked the idea of that. The one exception was that I occasionally heard some of the red pill/incel jargon so I wasn’t entirely shocked by the 4chan. The porn though…. That did catch me off guard as he was so vehemently anti-porn. He barely wanted to be intimate though which was part of the reason I had a gut feeling something was off.

[–]paddlesandchalkFDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Can you explain why proton email is a red flag? I've never heard of them.

[–]_electrafireFDS Disciple 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have a proton email just cause I’m interested in cyber security, but men who use the platform most likely are hiding cheating/porn

[–]shmarharFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All I know is that it's a super secure email server. I've heard of it but never used it

[–]katatheFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Whats shady about proton mail? Asking cuz i dont know, but i have seen some men have it.

[–]XRozeFDS Newbie 46 points47 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol they’re in denial bc men do it too. They are just way sneakier about it and don’t admit it unless they feel compelled to for whatever reason. STAY WOKE LADIES!!

I had one ex blow up at me for putting a password on my phone because I never had one before. I can only assume he was pissed he couldn’t snoop anymore.

Another one broke into my FB bc my password was saved on his computer browser and read all my messages but kept what he read there (my complaints about him which I was disclosing to a friend) in his back pocket so he could use it to justify some weird behavior later on in the relationship.

[–]Pistachio_QueenFDS Newbie 36 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I felt something was off about my ex for a while. I didn’t think he was cheating but the way he spoke about his female “friends” from the past felt gross. He left his email signed in on my devices one day and I started searching keywords/names I recalled. I felt bad at first, but certainly not after it confirmed all my suspicions of him being a downright creepy motherfucker.

He has countless emails to women who were clearly not interested, begging them to be with them and serenading them with nice guy poetry. They often sent short emails back telling him to stop contacting them and he would persist. With one girl it was over the course of years! And he spoke about her to me as if they were best friends (who he “had no romantic intentions for”) 🙄

[–]ThrowRA_lanternFDS Newbie 227 points228 points  (29 children) | Copy Link

The truth: they don’t want to be in a relationship with you.

How they express it: Gaslighting, negging, arguments, ghosting, demanding unrealistic expectations, mood swings, future-faking, abuse, following insta models / only fans, cheating and then proceeds to blame all his behaviour on you and saying it’s all your fault 🤡

He might be able to get out of the relationship (he might not if you’re persistent), and as a result he’s broken the poor woman. Nice.

[–]EqvviFDS Apprentice 185 points186 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

No, a lot of the times they DO want to be in a "relationship" with you, in which you obey them and don't have any of your own beliefs or goals, just serve them and provide with regular sex, domestic labor and free therapy. They just don't want to give anything back.

If all abusive assholes just didn't want to be in a relationship, everything would be a hella easier. Especially leaving, they wouldn't threaten you, your pets or children, if you leave. They wouldn't suicide bait, they wouldn't "train" you with inconsistent mood swings and ever-changing rules, so you feel like you're always waliing on eggshells. Most women murdered by their partners or ex partners wouldn't be killed while in the process of leaving or within 48 hours of leaving.

Literally all of the tactics you listed except for ghosting are tactics of abuse that are used to make the woman question her judgement, isolate her and make her rely on the abuser.

[–]HaveNoIdeaWhatToPickFDS Newbie 90 points91 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

suicide bait

Recently my friend got raped by her male "friend" and not only he was aware that what he did was rape but also threatened her with suicide If she won't be with him. Why would anyone care about his life at this point?

[–]EqvviFDS Apprentice 80 points81 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They really are vile. Most abusers rely on our best qualities, like kindness, conscientiousness, selflessness and desire to make others happy, to twist them into guilt and shame, to abuse women. Truly evil.

[–]inflingbioFDS Newbie 38 points39 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This soooooo much.

I sat my abuser down so many fucking times, explaining entirely calmly how I'd be totally Okay if he broke up with me, rejection is part of life - and I genuinely feel that way.

He declined every time.

Because he didn't want to be "the bad guy"/do the dirty work.

And also because he was a narc and feeding off putting me down.

He absolutely could not cope that I was telling him I would be Okay with his discard. Unknowingly, I caused him narc injury even saying that.

He kept me around for much longer - and tripped me up with another lie about cheating, so that I would get angry and he had the perfect reason to dump me "See!!!!!!! Because of YOUR jealousy!!!!!! Thats why this can never work out!!!!!".

It was foreseeable & transparent 100%

[–]modernmedusaaRuthless Strategist 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes narcs will Hoover you back in when you’ve seen their mask drop too many time’s and know you aren’t sticking around for their cheating. They can’t have YOU leaving them- they will try to stop you.

It’s all a power play for them- they just want to be the one who dumps you and has control. Also they want to leave feeling like you ruined the relationship through paranoia so they don’t feel bad- when really they know it was them gaslighting/abusing you.

[–]ThrowRA_lanternFDS Newbie 52 points53 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Fair point. I think I see it in a limited view as all my LVM exes DIDN’T want a relationship because they suddenly realise being with me was too difficult for them and they realised they weren’t good enough. So then they would reek of insecurity and controlling behaviour as an attempt to peel away from me while causing an absolute traumatic mess of a relationship.

I can see that a lot of these men may still want a relationship in the sense that they want the benefits of a relationship at the expense of the poor woman. Yes yes i agree with you on that. I guess they don’t want a healthy “relationship” in the sense of actual love and care for both partners, they want a relationship in the sense of someone to reap benefits from or use as a punching bag and not have to acknowledge the humanity of the other person. And yes, develop ways for her to become completely dependent on him and never leave.

[–]_electrafireFDS Disciple 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get where you’re coming from! They don’t want a relationship, they want a slave

[–]ButterfliesHurricaneFDS Newbie 93 points94 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Those ones only see being in a relationship as a necessary evil to get regular access to sex.

[–]_electrafireFDS Disciple 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lmao imagine if women saw relationships with men as a “necessary evil” to take his money😂

[–]lansburysodaFDS Newbie 71 points72 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Right? Just leave us alone then 😭 I’m a very attractive woman (not bragging, just facts) and they do this to all of us. It’s a power trip or something. Wish they’d fuck off 🤷‍♀️

[–]Reporter_ComplexFDS Newbie 89 points90 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Same, I'm very conventionally attractive, and one of my exs beat me any chance he got, and actively tried to murder me for 3 years. (Disclaimer, because I get this alot, I am safe and I am okay. I've done therapy and I am healed as far as I will be)

No one is immune to this crap. There is no "appearance gap" or someshit fred next door tells you - "that wouldn't happen to her, she's too beautiful"

So was Jennifer Aniston, but dirty man Brad pitt still cheated on her - AND DIDNT FKING SHOWER.

They can all eat their words until the prove different. 👋

[–]butteryrumFDS Newbie 60 points61 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

There is no "appearance gap" or someshit fred next door tells you - "that wouldn't happen to her, she's too beautiful"

Hell No. I think the more attractive you are, the more at risk you are for attracting crazy. Men like coveted things and women are often considered unfortunately, one of them. A man who considers you beautiful if rejected can become super dangerous. I've felt those, "This man has the potential to be a murderer" vibes off some of them.

I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. It's amazing you're strong enough now, in a place to warn others and that's something truly beautiful.

[–]Reporter_ComplexFDS Newbie 37 points38 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with you. I am envious of women who can "blend"...

I have a sixth sense now, my trigger hairs warn me. A benefit from my experience is that I am no longer scared of anything, I did krav maga after I left him, and am now confident in my ability to.protect my ass, should I need to lol.

Nothing boosts your "nothing can bring me down" mentality like fighting for your life for years 😂 (0/10, would not reccommend, run as far as you can)

[–]thowawaywookieFDS Newbie 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agree. They are likely to be obsessive stalkers.

[–]ilovesanddollarsThrowaway Account 26 points27 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Exactly and look at what he did to Angelina Jolie too.

Left her right after she got a double mastectomy and by all appearances seemed to be emotionally abusing her and silenced her when she tried to speak out/get help.

If an LVM cheats and leaves or whatever, he never gives better to the next one. That’s the illusion they want the world to buy because its the one where they don’t have to admit to or pay the consequences for being a piece of shit.

[–]Reporter_ComplexFDS Newbie 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Doesn't matter how much, or how little money a LVM has, if hes L/NV then he won't change. And so many women get suckered into believing they change.

I was one of those women, not anymore though. I found FDS in a vulnerable place, just after a shiffy break up, boy, my entire outlook has changed 😂

[–]shugs87FDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He didn’t shower?! What??? This is news to me!

[–]Reporter_ComplexFDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

He is one of many Hollywood stinkers. Only showers when he smells bad enough that he smells himself. You can google it, theres quite a few.

[–]JustSomeBlondeBitch 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have a different account I sell NSFW content on, and I’d say 70% of the guys admit they have wives or girlfriends and say that paying online sex workers “helps” their relationship. BREAK UP. Like??? Why.

[–]BigDebbie4everFDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Helps as in they don't physically "date" you irl?

[–]ZurfluFDS Newbie 60 points61 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Just throwing in a little tid bit: on an iPhone if you go to settings -> battery you can see which apps someone has used in the last 24 hours or the last 10 days. If they have deleted an app they used it will show up as "deleted app". The real app will appear on the list to replace "deleted app" if you redownload whatever app it was!!! Very useful. Also if you go to the App Store -> click user profile pic -> purchased -> not on this device you can see which apps might be the deleted app. Keep in mind the dates shown on this screen are the dates of the first time the app was ever installed, not the last time it was installed. It's kind of like checking someone's "screen time" except you can't turn it off or delete anything from it!

[–]DontAskTwice-A-RoniFDS Newbie 11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Just did it on my phone and was shocked that it worked! Thanks for the tip!

[–]ZurfluFDS Newbie 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're welcome!! Keep in mind you CAN clear the history of the "purchased -> not on this iPhone" screen but I don't think you can alter the battery screen in any way

[–]verusckaFDS Disciple 53 points54 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Men say women can’t handle the truth yet men are the ones that absolutely lose their minds if they are the ones cheated on. I mean, how many news articles have I read where a man murders his gf/wife and the man she had an affair with because he found out? How many men execute their whole family and/or go on a killing spree because their feelings were hurt? Also every woman I know who “snooped” through their partner’s found what they were looking for, unfortunately. :(

[–]Optimal_Grapefruit_5FDS Newbie 26 points27 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

They say a man should never tolerate cheating but they never say that about women, with women there's always the expectation we should give them a chance - and keep on giving them chances.

[–]WafflesTheDuckFDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

We're expected to give them the benefit of the doubt when they are in the process of murdering us.

Brittany Smith Loses Her Stand Your Ground Hearing | The New Yorker

[–]Optimal_Grapefruit_5FDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm frankly horrified - and people still say women have it easy.

[–]lostmilleniaFDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]WafflesTheDuckFDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Entire religions were founded to justify cheating.

[–]inflingbioFDS Newbie 50 points51 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The oldest lie of fuckbois:

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.


I didn't want to deal with the justified consequences of my shitty actions.

[–]_electrafireFDS Disciple 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]Crafty_Collar8183FDS Newbie 91 points92 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

If you're ever missing things, there is a high chance that the LVM (or LVW) took them. They do this because 1) if it was something expensive or decent looking, they gifted to someone else 2) they don't want you to leave so they take away necessary documents 3) they don't want you to have something nice. They will act like they're innocent or don't know what you're talking about.

[–]thowawaywookieFDS Newbie 38 points39 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They sure do. I wish I could give details but it might be outting. A couple things I can mention is hiding my degrees and jewelry. Lied and said he didn't know where they were. Much later when I went to pick up a few things I asked about them and he opened a drawer and they were right there.

[–]thatjimmyloveFDS Newbie 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is so wack to me never in my life have I ever thought of taking something from someone why are people like this

[–]Colour_riotFDS Newbie 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

second this. I've never had the misfortune to date an LVM with that little self respect, but I've lived with a LVW and she bothered to steal something worth only a few hundred dollars despite trying to flaunt a wealthy lifestyle on social media. That was when movers were packing my stuff, too. If they hadn't been around, lord knows she would have taken more.

Later found out that she stole thousands of dollars from an ex who liked to keep cash lying around.

Big red flags of psycho-level LVM / LVW include:

  1. credit card debt racked up from lifestyles that they can't afford + inability to admit that it was their fault.
  2. being in denial about their actual financial and socioeconomic status (ie. bragging about being from a very wealthy family though their parents won't fund them and they can't earn their own keep - hence the debt)
  3. judging people on how expensive their lifestyle is / how rich they are. constantly trying to figure out how someone "can afford" this, or whether their handbag is a fake, etc...
  4. stealing from their family.

[–]Lavender_flowFDS STRATEGY COACH[S] 37 points38 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Also for the lurkers: My boyfriend can check my phone all he likes, I have no things to hide. I am not a liar or pornaddict like you sad-sacks, so stop projecting and go to fucking therapy. I don't have any men in my DM's on social media, because the ones that slide in- I show him, we laugh and then they get promptly blocked/deleted. Just because you lurkers have no fucking integrity, morals or values, it does not mean the rest of us are the same as you- Newsflash: we are better people than you are. So fucking die mad about it.

[–]breadandbunnyFDS Newbie 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Preach! 🙌🏿

[–]BlindtothesidedFDS Newbie 99 points100 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Omg I needed this post. I feel so fucking validated right now.

So, I've talked about my broken engagement quite a bit on here lately but there's one big thing that I've never mentioned bc I've been experiencing extreme guilt about it. First, let me say, I have never in my entire life snooped on anyone's phone. Not in any relationship ever. But several months ago my now-ex fiance was acting incredibly shady.

I didn't snoop on his current phone. But his old phone (we'd just replaced ours about three months earlier) was at our house and he called me one day and asked me to look up a phone number in it for him. Until then I didn't even know his password bc I'd declined when he offered it. I really, really do believe in respecting others' privacy.

So I looked up the phone number and then I gave in to temptation and checked his texts for a certain ex-gf who kept fucking calling him.

And this is something I've never admitted to a single person. I found a picture he'd sent her of his new tattoo. Pictures taken in my bathroom. They were just of his chest and of the tattoo but my ex hates taking pictures and in all the time we were together he never sent me a single selfie. Also, the picture was taken on the day we had our first major fight.

I was devastated. There wasn't anything particularly flirtatious in the accompanying messages (aside from her going on and on about how much she looooved it ugh) but his side of the conversation was fine, aside from sending the pic. Also, I do know this ex is married. There were some texts talking about his and my upcoming wedding (the one we canceled) and everything was pretty aboveboard but I couldn't get past the fact that he'd sought outside validation that way in the middle of our first fight. To me, it was a betrayal. And I do realize that most people would say it's nothing and most people would say the fact that I snooped was far worse, which is why I've never told anyone (aside from my ex) that I did it. But this right here is exactly why I fucking love FDS so much. Because here I feel validated in following my gut and not accepting this as okay. To me, it was a symptom of an underlying issue. I'd stopped trusting him. And with good reason because he wound up lying to me about several things and this was the root cause of our breakup.

There are still so many nights that I lie in bed and wonder if I made a mistake, because I still love him more than I've ever loved anyone. But then I remember the sick feeling in my gut the day I saw that photo and the hurt in realizing he'd never once sent me a pic of himself, not for any reason. And I know that the decision to cancel the wedding and end the relationship was the right one. And I'll be honest, seeing this post this morning brought on a few tears - because it feels so damn good to be validated after feeling like a truly terrible person for breaking my own rule of not invading my partner's privacy.

Had I not snooped, I'd have been married three weeks ago. And I would be married to a fucking liar who would be gaslighting me for the rest of my life.

[–]Lavender_flowFDS STRATEGY COACH[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What you encountered there is the top of the iceberg. The fact he was willingly giving you access tells me he very likely has "covered his tracks". The gut feeling never lies. Been there, done that. If you had done some deep diving you would likely have discovered a whole pile of shit. The reason we feel these things is because our bodies and subconscious pick up on these things, even if we are rationalizing it to ourselves.

[–]ZurfluFDS Newbie 35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What you did is valid! I bet if you had looked through his current phone you may have found even more. I know that sick feeling, felt it when I found screenshots of escort ads a couple weeks after moving away with him. You made the right choice and saved yourself from so much more hurt in the future. That gut feeling is primal instinct!

[–]InevitableHulkFDS Newbie 32 points33 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just the disrespect alone, texting an ex-girlfriend from your house. If he wanted to show off his tattoo so bad, he could have texted a buddy. I know that gut-punch feeling and it sucks. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re allowed to protect yourself.

I don’t understand how a lot of people are (or pretend to be) fine with “staying friends” with exes. Years ago, I read a study that basically said 9 times out of 10, if someone is friends with an ex, it’s because one of them still has romantic feelings for the other. Of course there are exceptions: the relationship just ran it’s course and the two people involved parted amicably, or when two people have kids and decide to be friends for the sake of being good co-parents.

It’s not insecurity to not want your partner to be in contact with an ex. It’s a respect issue. It has nothing to do with “oh they’re so mature, they can stay friends,” no, fuck that. Too many men like to keep previous romantic partners on the line for the exact reason you stated: validation. And that’s disrespectful as hell.

People get up in arms about snooping, but when your intuition is telling you something is wrong, then something is wrong. You’re allowed to know if you’re being disrespected. I know it hurts now and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s such a shitty feeling. 😕💕

[–]cosmosconsiderationsThrowaway Account 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm SO glad you did what you did and were able to avoid legally tying yourself to that clown. It's one of those decisions that in the moment is so fucking difficult to process, but you know that your happiness and future livelihood are greatly dependent on you making the hard decision in the first place. So bravo, lady!

I caught my ex engaging in similar behavior regarding attention/validation-seeking with other women. It could be women he was friends with, former girlfriends/flings he'd be randomly messaging on IG or FB, and even a random woman from Words With Friends (who he was simply being a "nice guy" to while she inappropriately vented to him about her unhappy marriage). When I told him his behaviors were shady to me, he started laughing and said that he was doing so because he had "never been called shady before"...(I guess this was said to make ME feel bad about having my feelings)

[–]Dexaroo5716FDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank God!! 🙏🏻🙌🙌🙌🙌 you dodged a massive lethal bullet

[–]ButterfliesHurricaneFDS Newbie 116 points117 points  (20 children) | Copy Link

I never understood the ‘that’s invasive of my privacy’ argument - which by the way only seems used by cheaters in the first place. Ok so what about your behaviour? Shall I just ask you: are you cheating? Having an emotional affair? Engaging in sexual behaviours real or virtual outside our relationship? So that you can reassure me you’re not and proceed to gaslight me 🤔? I’m now increasingly thinking I’d like an open phone policy in my next relationship.

[–]Lavender_flowFDS STRATEGY COACH[S] 29 points30 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m now increasingly thinking I’d like an open phone policy in my next relationship.

This is the bare minimum, but I just want to let you ladies know, that cheaters can trick you with this. My psycho ex had an "open phone policy" too, I had his passcode and everything, he used it to lure me into a false sense of security. He was just really fucking good at covering his tracks. He used all apps messenger/snapchat/whatsapp/insta 🚩🚩🚩 and also had a secret wordfeud chat where he would talk to women. It was happening right under my nose. Despite me looking at his phone. He would always get upset if I looked at his phone without asking first 🚩.

The way I found out was from guessing his Facebook password and logged into it while he was on a "guys trip" 🚩 discovered it all there.

Men who use snapchat/insta/whatsapp = Red flags, there is no reason for them to be so active on social media, unless they have a business or similar thing they are running. (On snapchat you can actually check how many points they have = how much they snap) it was one of the money clues on my ex, because he never snapped me that much and he had a HUGE amount of points.

Men who go on a lot of "guy trips" 🚩🚩🚩 = it was were he was doing most of his cheating. His friends were all cheaters as well, so they just covered for each other.

Also this scrote was in his early 40's when we dated. Age gap relationships 🚩🚩🚩

[–]jackrusselterror1FDS Disciple 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have used the privacy invasion argument before in personal relationships where shared devices or passwords come up. The difference is that I’m a member of the sex that usually is the victim of domestic abuse and violence at the hands of a partner. I also have experienced abuse from an ex-partner and my family, and from my experience men wanting access to my devices was one of the first warning signs of abuse, so I have dumped men who insisted on knowing my passwords or being able to look through my phone/computer when they want to. I also have never cheated on a partner. If my Internet activity was made public, my account on FDS would be the most controversial part and I still stand by it.

I will always back women who are looking out for their safety, which is what snooping boils down to for women. I’m always going to side eye men who snoop though, and i side eye the privacy argument from men too. it’s far better to dump a guy when he snoops then risk dealing with an abusive relationship, and I’m absolutely fine having this double standard. The risk of violence is different.

[–]lawless_sapphistryFDS Newbie 77 points78 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Open phone policy was how my relationship started (and still is. I'm a woman, if that matters). Before they met me, my wife got cheated on a bunch, so I just gave them the pass code to my phone and they've had it ever since. I would also make sure every now and again that when I got a text notification and my hands were busy I'd ask my wife to see who it was/read it out to me. That way, it was easy for them to see that I didn't give a fuck about my phone because I have nothing to hide.

The only reason, imho, that people don't do this is if they're cheating or have other shady shit to hide like an online gambling problem.

[–]ButterfliesHurricaneFDS Newbie 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly how my first relationship was. No snooping but being open and relaxed about it.

[–]ragingchumpFDS Newbie 46 points47 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

My ex and i had the same draw code on our identical phones so we could both pick up whichever phone was closest to change music, look something up, etc. When his phone behavior changed after 16 years...that was the blaring siren that my gut feeling was right. I will never be in a committed relationship without an open phine policy.

Having said that, i really appreciate you sharing your habit of asking your wife to open and read a text for you. This is a great example i can give to someone about what would help me feel good bc i am not going to snoop.

[–]lawless_sapphistryFDS Newbie 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sure thing! HV behavior is being proactive in relationships with those who've experienced trauma <3 Among other not-being-a-piece-of-shit things, of course :P

[–]QueenIdiaFDS Newbie 56 points57 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Whatever you need to feel comfortable in the relationship is fine, sis. If he cannot comply, plenty of fish in the sea.

That said, I would advise that you do not allow yourself to become consumed with finding out whether or not you are being cheated on. Do not become that woman who is stressed out and anxious, constantly checking his phone for proof. That is not a place of power.

Like we always say on FDS, we need to constantly be vetting. If you can no longer trust his word and character, if you think he is slimy enough to lie to your face, put your health, marriage (or relationship) and family at risk, just for sexual gratification, then you need to ask yourself if there's anything worth salvaging left.

[–]Inspection-CriticalFDS Newbie 61 points62 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Chump Lady has a term for this: "marriage policing."

Basically, once you discover your partner IS cheating on you, you need to bail immediately or else you'll spend the rest of your life consumed by policing your partner. You either trust them at that point or you don't.

[–]ButterfliesHurricaneFDS Newbie 17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes I guess it’s more about how do you find out in the first place. Gaslighting is a weapon of choice. Once you find then you need out, trust id gone and there’s no going back.

[–]Inspection-CriticalFDS Newbie 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes I guess it’s more about how do you find out in the first place.

I'd say careful vetting upfront and a consistent, ongoing show of trust (i.e. an open phone policy). If something feels off, and you're usually a secure person, then something's off.

[–]girliegirl1391 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

THIS x 10. If you know, and have proof, just get out. No sense in snooping and possibly exposing yourself to a lawsuit. 9 out of 10 times a cheater will admit to it when confronted. Only extreme narcissists will continue to deny anything when confronted...but the best thing you can do is confront them, say how you know, and leave. No sense in making it worse on yourself

[–]ButterfliesHurricaneFDS Newbie 23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh absolutely agree! And actually, my first long term relationship where there was no cheating involved, we had access to each other’s phones. It came about naturally that he would sometimes use my phone when he couldn’t find his and vice versa. No snooping but no hiding either.

Its awful to live without trust so I agree if you constantly feel the need to check on someone, it probably means, your alarm bells are ringing and/or there are broader issues.

I would hate to snoop but knowing I can and he is not hiding anything from me is enough. I am obviously more than happy to give access to mine.

[–]myoklifeFDS Newbie 35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I always say if you feel like you have to snoop that should be it, the relationship should be over right then and there. If you don't trust him there's a reason. Either it's you and your insecurities which you need to work on or more likely it's his behavior that is rubbing you wrong. Either's no recipe for a healthy relationship.

I say "I always say" when in the past I haven't taken my own advice but every time I did snoop I did find something that confirmed my fears or worse. Because I got the idea to snoop from his sketchy behavior. Only happened with 3 guys. One was secretly filming me during sex and keeping it in his porn folder (both which I found, oh and we were 16), one was cheating with his ex, and one was...obsessing in a very scary way over his ex (see my comment history for me elaborating on this one)

[–]hornyrussianbot 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Would definitely recommend. Men who say it’s an invasion of privacy have something to hide.

[–]_electrafireFDS Disciple 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Snooping only works if u catch them off-guard! Totally agree w this sentiment tho

[–]Professional-Ad-457FDS Newbie 24 points25 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’ve always had a snooping policy when my intuition tells me something is up. I’ve always found something so although my heart beats really fast and I hate the physical snooping because it is so stressful (normally needs to be done quickly when they’re in the shower or something) I have never regretted doing it. I’ve always discovered lying/cheating/disrespect which I would have been ignorant of otherwise. I don’t tell them I’ve snooped just dump them or bring the issue up some other way. The only time snooping hasn’t served me was with my ex husband. I’d check his phone and be reassured that I didn’t find anything. It was years later I discovered he had a second phone. Looking at the phone bill of the second phone showed me the extent of his cheating.

[–]shortstack6 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Same here. I could have written this word for word.

[–]Professional-Ad-457FDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It feels really good to hear that. All my friends think it’s really bad to snoop and obvs my LVXs have been outraged if I was caught. I also hate doing it, but it’s because experience has taught me that I will find something horrible on their phone! If you went out with someone who you trusted, would you look, even if you had zero suspicion of nefarious behaviour and they were HVM? I think I would for self preservation purposes :(

[–]_electrafireFDS Disciple 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

These scrotes feel entitled to shoot their sperm inside of us but if we look inside their iPhones we’ve “violated” them.

[–]seraphinelysionFDS Apprentice 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lmao. Yup. LVX hid information from me because he didn't know how to tell me and was afraid of my response. My response was to divorce his dumbass.

[–]ShieldMaidenLagerthaFDS Disciple 24 points25 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

For sure. Next time I’m definitely snooping. I had a LVM ex and found out he was cheating. I could have ended things and gotten out of there much faster if I had snooped. Definitely snoop. Time is precious!

[–]_electrafireFDS Disciple 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Me too! Agreed

[–]cantstuntbikerbitch 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yessssss. Why is it bad to snoop? If you are sketched out by us going through your phone you're probably hiding something.

[–]Colour_riotFDS Newbie 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My ex got angry when I pointed out that Instagram was suggesting those types of accounts for me to follow bcuz he liked so many of their pictures and stories.

LVM will call you a snooper because they can't handle social media algorithms

[–]XxShykatxXFDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I decided to go through my ex's phone after noticing a change in behavior from him and our friends. They used to be so happy for us when suddenly they stopped talking to me completely. Figured something was fishy and found many text messages of him talking really badly about me to them and they just blindly supporting him that I am a toxic human being, immature and not right for him. I asked him about it, he denied it till I told him to cut the c**p. He said he doesn't regret 'venting' to them about problems he avoided talking to me about and allowing these people to say really nasty labels while just agreeing with them about who they think I am like they're some psychologist who studied behaviors and know the signs. Don't need a psychology degree to understand how toxic it truly is if you're talking badly behind someones back but only nice things to their face. Dude couldn't get himself straight, said I wasn't toxic and really did not feel that way yet the texts to about four different people say I am. This is a 1 vs 4 kinda deal, it's not brain surgery to know what he really felt. I ended up leaving very heartbroken because of the blindsidedness of the problems since he always acted and said things were going amazingly, yet very glad I decided to look through his phone even if he had the audacity to tell me I breached his privacy and all this nonsense about how I am at fault. He was defensive, a knee-jerk reaction to remove the spotlight off him onto me because he's shielding himself from self-doubt and guilt. Now I make it known that if a partner is not willing to open up his phone for me whenever I need, I don't get with them or stay. If they want to hide their phone and claim it's a "privacy" issue, I tell them to their face they're trying to sell me a scam and I ain't buying.

[–]One-Strength-5394Throwaway Account 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Personally, I wouldn't want someone looking through my phone because I have personal info on it like banks, electronic journal, fitness progress pics, etc. But from the other stories it seems like men aren't worried about that lol.

[–]AlwaysHeartbrokenG 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Actually if a Queen is with a HVM, snooping doesn’t exist. Because the HVM will be open about everything. The password, the phone, any devices available.

Don’t ever stay with a man who tried to hide their things from you.

[–]uptownzara 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So true. My ex and I had an open phone policy, and yet I still found him shit talking me and telling literal lies to make himself sound like a big “alpha” to his cop friend. I saw he said “what’s the point of being in a relationship?” and welp, careful what you wish for, because I immediately kicked him out. His friend had suggested he tell me “I can fuck plenty of women so if you don’t straighten out I will,” which I still regret not letting my ex try to say to me. I would have laughed until I passed out.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I actually ended up dumping my ex-boyfriend because I happened to see his passcode or maybe he even gave it to me I can't remember, and I stored it in my mind for multiple months gas lighting myself that all of my anxiety was my own mental illness and couldn't possibly be because of my boyfriend because of how wonderful he was, right?

Well looking back I can definitely say it was God but you may call it intuition or something, but I was awoken suddenly in the middle of the night, like 2:00 a.m. just absolutely suddenly woke up and felt compelled to take his phone and look through it. I actually caught him cheating pretty recently and then having all of his gross accounts and gross p*** website history.

So ladies, I think next time I would just take the intuition and not even bother going through the phone.. I turned away from God when I was 14 but I recently turned back at the age of 25 and I do trust that our intuition or God or whatever is guiding us at all times. I also used to take a huge amount of medication for "anxiety" but now I am on zero medications and the top renowned psychiatrist in the country has confirmed that I do not actually have mental illness, but I did have some eating disorder and PTSD from my abusive mother in my childhood.

Honestly I've been single for the past year but I think I'm just going to keep on being single unless I meet one of these really fantastic guys that we all know, whether it's your friend's dad or somebody else. Don't you just know one really fantastic guy where he just seems so wonderful and he's a true family man and you know he would never cheat or do anything to ever hurt his wife? Yeah unless I have that guy I don't want him.

[–]ivy176FDS Disciple 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've snooped. I trust my husband as much as I could trust someone, but there are times where you just need cold hard evidence too.

I looked at his history, not because I thought he was cheating but because I was concerned about what was going through his mind. He has anxiety and he sometimes goes through phases of severe distress and obsessive thinking, as do I. We already had each other's pins because it's just easier when you want to search something or call a restaurant and your phone's on charge in another room etc.

Now I did find a search that was concerning (nothing to do with cheating or any other kind of immoral behaviour, just regarding his mental health). I went to him about it, told him I skimmed through a few months of his history. He didn't love it, he felt a bit embarrassed because they are his personal anxiety ridden google searches. But I still have access to his devices and he has access to mine, he didn't find it to be some kind of serious betrayal or anything like that. He was surprised that I thought sonething was so off, because he thought he was doing a great job of hiding what he was struggling with.

I'd do the same with kids or a parent. Yeah I respect their privacy and I'm not on a mission to know everyone's secret personal thoughts but sometimes you're concerned. And if someone found evidence of cheating then their intuition was correct and you can't blame them for "snooping" in that case. But of course it's also wrong to monitor a partner if they have done nothing wrong, and extreme jealousy and being possessive aren't healthy things. But if there's nothing major to hide and it's a very occasional check in based on unusual behaviour, well I wouldn't blame my husband if he did a quick history check or looked at some texts, if I seemed really abnormal and was struggling, so I don't see anything wrong with doing it in those situations. So long as there is no nasty intent and the relationship is healthy.

[–]breadandbunnyFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is so true! She worded it well.

[–]QueenCrownnFDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is true facts!!

[–]katatheFDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sorry, but if he puts a password in that you don’t know, he has something to hide...

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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