Hello again community,

I wanted to once again share my insights and experience with a common manipulation tactic employed by men when dating. It’s very covert but it is intentional, and if you can avoid having to deal with it you will save a lot of time and energy.

What:

Being ‘breadcrumbed’ or put on the back burner occurs when someone you have been dating begins to slowly cease contact and interest in you. It’s more simply know as being ‘lead on’. It’s that pit in your stomach you get when you realise the great guy you’ve been dating has stopped planning dates, yet he still messages you to see what you’ve been doing.

This occurs similarly to ‘slow fading’ except they never fully leave your life or completely stop contact with you. It usually involves them messaging you sporadically or through low effort means (such as replying to your Instagram story but never messaging you to start a conversation). Hence the term ‘bread crumbing’, as they are throwing you breadcrumbs of affection. Being put on the back burner has the same premise, it refers to a person putting you aside rather than ending the relationship or expressing that they aren’t interested.

It has many other ‘buzzword’ names but these are what I will refer to it as.

Signs you’re being breadcrumbed:

  • The initial interest they showed in the beginning has disappeared
  • They want to communicate on an app such as Snapchat rather than text/messenger
  • Conversations are surface level and vague
  • They message you less frequently than before
  • They stop planning dates
  • They take long periods of time to message you back
  • Their texts have changed in tone
  • You feel anxious and unsettled but can’t quite figure out why

When:

There’s no real timeline for this and no way to anticipate it. In my experience it has happened in a 8 month long relationship, as well as after 3 dates. This is why constant vetting and keeping your eyes open to these tactics is so important.

Why:

Like most other ‘tactics’ similar to these, it is way to get maximum benefit out of you with as little effort as possible. It can indicate that they have met someone else that they like more or aren’t interested in you but want to keep you around for sex and attention. They might also be unsure of you but unwilling to end things, and don’t want to ghost/slow fade you in case they change their mind later on.

I have dated a lot of guys that clearly don’t like me romantically, or see any kind of future with me, but they do see the benefit of keeping me around in case their other options fall through or they want attention/sex.

It’s important to note that sometimes people are genuinely busier than usual due to work/school/life and this can account for changes in messaging and effort, but if a man you’re dating values you he will not let these things stop him from communicating with you and making you feel secure. If you feel in your gut like something has changed between you but they haven’t ghosted you because they’re still around, you are probably right.

Breadcrumbing is also very different to the dating strategy pushed on this sub which encourages us to date many people at one time. Breadcrumbing is intentionally giving out small crumbs of attention & affection to someone, with no intention of ever dating them. It is like going fishing, and you catch a fish but instead of reeling it in or setting it free, you let it hang on the line while you decide what to do with it.

Breadcrumbing is manipulative and nasty. I believe it is a favourite strategy of men because it means they get to have their cake and eat it too. They can have multiple women that they message nonchalantly for free sex / attention / validation or whatever. They get to have you with almost no effort on their part, but you can’t protest because then you’re needy!

I would recommend breaking up with someone that is bread crumbing you or has clearly put you aside to explore their other options. I usually just tell the person I’m not interested in speaking to them anymore, and then I block them. The reason I end it with a text outlining that it’s over is so the relationship is not left open ended. I suppose a block would achieve this too.

I would recommend looking into these modern dating terms more because it’s extremely helpful to have this knowledge whilst you navigate dating, and you will be prepared if men try them on you.