Why SHOULDN’T we kink shame? When did we all decide people’s sexual preferences were separate from their actual values?

dzgata · 2020-05-12T09:35:28+00:00

This lack of shaming we have going on is actually harming us. We SHOULD shame bad people for doing bad things. I will shame a man who gets his bread buttered by degrading and humiliating women. Shame! Shame on you scrote!

Seraphinx · 2020-05-12T10:26:34+00:00

My kink is kink shaming.

LadyGrimes · 2020-05-12T10:37:30+00:00

Not shaming is how we ended up with such a degenerate porn culture in the first place.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-05-12T10:02:44+00:00

My ex called me a "little slut" during sex once and I was like "what the fuck did you just say?" He was confused that I didn't like it?! I said "don't ever call me that or anything similar ever again." You better believe he never did.

I don't give a good god damn what gets people off if it doesn't get me off too. Sex is about TWO people, not one, and it's about compatibility. Trying new things can be fun but if you don't like it you don't have to keep doing it. I can't stand men who think sex is supposed to be all about them. Fuck. Off.

I absolutely agree that people who like to do and say abusive things during sex are showing their true colours and it should be shamed. Abuse is abuse and it shouldn't be excused just because it's during sex. All the more reason for it to be shamed tbh, because when are you more vulnerable than during sex?

brainsandb00bs · 2020-05-12T12:37:09+00:00

I think if those people got the mental health help they needed, they wouldn’t be into perverted sexual acts.

Society shouldn’t encourage people to indulge in their kinks, they should encourage them to seek help to figure out what happened in their childhood that leads them to find sex like that as ideal and how to heal that wound. Instead of encouraging people to beat each other up in bed like it’s normal, maybe people should ask each other why they even find that pleasurable to begin with. Whether it’s racism, misogyny , or mental illness.

I myself used to think I was into all that stuff until I got the therapy I needed. It doesn’t make any sense to me anymore now that im not mentally ill. Now I see odd kinks as a sign of mental/emotional disturbance, and encourage those people to seek help.

PellucidlyNebulous · 2020-05-12T13:17:58+00:00

At no point should ANY kink be an immediate red flag AS LONG AS it is CONSENSUAL

Ugh, this shit is so gross. Literally ok to do anything to your partner as long as you both consent? Fuck that. Consent doesn't make abusing your partner OK. If you're consensually beating your partner, you're a sick person. Where do they draw the line? Apparently no where.

yeahitsnothot · 2020-05-12T11:22:22+00:00

I was horrified by that thread and got super downvoted for highlighting the link between porn and BDSM and violent sex “kinks”. Heartbreaking how many women will defend men’s rights to call them sluts and whores! The internalised misogyny is so deeply rooted in libfem discourse.

Peak_Tree · 2020-05-12T16:44:34+00:00

It's like choking. A "safe" way of choking someone DOESN'T EXIST. But the pro choking croud can't just say "it's unbelievably risky but I like it" oh no, they want it rebranded as breath play and if you mention the risks you are a frigid prude and sex negative.

four_q · 2020-05-12T08:57:23+00:00

No idea. When did bullying become something you could do to grown ass adults? Everything has gone upside down these days

RadarFemef · 2020-05-12T10:06:30+00:00

I will kink shame all day long if that shit is problematic

2020-05-12T11:31:43+00:00

Honestly keep kink shaming! you guys kink shaming me is what made me realize that my kinks weren't a healthy coping mechanism. I had a porn addiction I wasn't even aware of so we quit porn and our "bdsm lifestyle". Turns out we are both happier and enjoy some passionate love making better! The past 6-7 weeks since we have stoped have been amazing! We lost sight of that I wouldn't have thought anything wrong with our lifestyle until getting a verbal smack down from you guys keep it up!!

2020-05-12T15:18:49+00:00

One of the top comments is “you aren’t responsible for your kinks”

natashaariki · 2020-05-12T09:40:34+00:00

This!! I completely agree. It’s a way to try and let everyone get a free pass. Last guy I was seeing asked if I was in to getting slapped or getting called a slut...like no? I think it I was in to that I would’ve let you known. Needless to say glad he’s out of my life, the best guys I’ve dated have never had that conversation with me or tried any of that... such a turn off. Run the other way.

chatrebelle · 2020-05-12T12:34:21+00:00

Men think being told no and "kinkshame" is as bad as actual abuse

nojaemit · 2020-05-12T10:53:23+00:00

Right? Why do people think that just because something happens during sex, it cannot be criticized at all? Sex doesn't happen in a vacuum! Take the sex away and you have men verbally abusing, hitting, choking women. But because it makes their dick happy that's suddenly okay? If anything that makes it WORSE in my opinion.

apozyx · 2020-05-12T13:15:00+00:00

I completely agree. I've had only two relationships with men who treated me like a human being, respected me as a person, respected every woman no matter the situation, etc. Decent human beings, good values, heads screwed on right. Both of them were repulsed by the idea of spanking, of degrading language, of any kind of sex act or that could be classified as "kink" or role play that featured any kind of power differential. They were respectful and attentive to me in bed bc they are respectful, good, decent people.

You're right, someone's sexual preferences are not somehow magically separated from who they are as a person. Every man I've known who was comfortable with kink (even 'light' kink) or problematic role play turned out to be a selfish asshole at best and an abuser and rapist at worst.

I used to think i was into kink and all that, but I really just hadn't worked through trauma. The man I'm with now is one of the two I described earlier, and he is repulsed by all of that. His 'kink' is treating me with dignity, respect, kindness, and love, and its way way hotter than any degrading kink.

AquaRetro · 2020-05-12T12:14:52+00:00

My kink is being treated respectfully at all times in a relationship, especially during sex. Don't kink shame me, LibFems.

PollyannaPenny · 2020-05-12T15:59:41+00:00

Like, If I’m with some white guy and he wants to call me racial slurs during sex, I’m going to go ahead and assume he’s a racist. Likewise, if some man is turned on by calling me misogynist slurs, I’m going to assume he’s a misogynist.

Agreed. It's insane to see people claim that one's sexual proclivities are somehow completely disconnected with who they are as a person. As if a dude who wants to call me racial slurs in bed because it makes him hard is any better than a dude who shouts racial slurs at me on the street.

It’s not just a matter of “leave if you don’t want to participate and are incompatible” - it’s a matter of these impulses being pretty fucked up inherently and reflective of deeper issues with that person.

The "just leave him" argument is also problematic because it puts the onus on the victim to not be pressured into painful/degrading sex they don't want instead of putting it on the kinkster to not make bizarre/gross sexual demands on their unwilling partners.

Men have been using the "if you loved me, you'd do [X]" line to coerce naive women into bed since the beginning of time. The kink-shaming line is just the modern, woke version of that old tactic.

Environmental_East · 2020-05-12T17:00:16+00:00

I commented this in gender critical the other day when we had this same conversation, so I'm gonna post it here too:

The sheer phenomena is hilarious to me -- why do you think your porn sickness is above criticism? We don't respond to men sharing fantasies of murdering women because they find it funny with dismissal and approval, so why is it okay when they justify violence with "it makes my peepee happy"?

BasieSkanks · 2020-05-12T13:46:03+00:00

Kink shaming is frowned upon until a woman has a Findom (financial domination) kink. Oh, they’re more than happy to shame women for having that kink.

NorthrnSwede · 2020-05-12T10:53:21+00:00

YES. Many ideas simply aren't worthy of consideration or respect. It's the Paradox of Tolerance. Dangerous people want to gaslight the rest of us into thinking that if we don't accept their kinks or religious ideas or bigotry or what-have-you without question, we are the problem. No, fucking no.

2020-05-12T11:59:49+00:00

I think there needs to be more shaming of shitty behavior in general, to be honest.

2020-05-12T13:50:19+00:00

People have this weird idea that sex is either religious either it's not : so in this fake dichotomy, they think that one either hates anything sexual or one must love anything related to sex.

Thats the type of wack dichotomy and extreme thinking that gave birth to the "yiu are either sex negative or sex positive" stupidity.

But most importantly, I think it is important to recognize that people who claim to be positive, "against shaming, against criticism, against talking", usually are the first to police others.

After all, dont they use "booh you are kink shaming and being sex negative" as an ad hominem most of the time ? Dont they use to make you feel bad ? At no moment do they explain why sadism should be normal, they just focus on you and write essayes about shaming instead.

It's like a rhetoric that relies on emotions only, and whom only purpose is to police you.

Which is very hypocritical considering that they would Never police kinksters.

So yeah tldr: even those against shaming use guilt trip to police others. They literally dont even apply that "Im so tolerant" to everyone. Which makes their whole argument not valid.

0kfornow · 2020-05-12T14:11:08+00:00

Yes. Its just violence against women. Yet again.

canttouchthisnananan · 2020-05-12T14:16:25+00:00

Yes! It’s one thing to go online and look up kink communities to kink shame people, that’s looking for someone to bully online. But if a person wants to do a sexual activity with me which I find gross or disrespectful then I can say that without it being kink shaming.

What you said about crossing women’s boundaries and calling them judgemental and crazy, that’s exactly what it is. They are gaslighting you and guilting you into doing the sexual activity with him.

My ex actually alwaaaays did this. Telling me I’m kink shaming him for his sexual preferences. And that if I care about him I would try it. In hindsight: that guy was not right in the head, the ffed up stuff he liked to do.

Please please please feel free to ‘kink shame’ by just telling a guy that you don’t like it and refuse to do it. Please leave a guy when he shows how ffed up in the head he is. He’s probably a porn addict and he will not change. You’ll regret it later if you give into the gaslighting and blaming.

onemoredaydream · 2020-05-12T20:40:26+00:00

If someone is exposing you to their kinks without you asking, absolutely kink shame away

cherrypepsilvr · 2020-05-12T21:00:26+00:00

Fetishes come from very deep down in us psychologically. They may not be our fault, but they absolutely reveal a lot about a person on a very deep level. If you're disturbed by a kink, it's 100% certain that it reveals some incompatibility between you and them.

My story's pretty crazy, but I'll lay it out.

The last guy I reeaaaaallllly liked, we were having an amazing time and all loved up. Then he told me about his fetish. It was gaining weight. Specifically, he wanted to be at least 400lbs. I was shocked when he told me. He was a handsome active young man and the thought of him deliberately disabling himself and becoming unable to do all the things he enjoyed just made me feel devastated.

I refused to talk with him about it, but he still talked AT me about it.

He would text me things like "Omg I just ate a whole pizza, I'm gonna be 400lbs lol" and I'd feel so depressed. He asked me to "encourage" him, but I never did. He said that he wanted to be encouraged because it "soothed" him. He also talked about it being hot to "ruin" his body. I think he knew how uncomfortable I was, but he wouldn't stop. The fetish took over so that he never spoke to me about anything else.

When I told my friends, no one was prepared to say that was disturbing. I felt like everyone thought I just had to accept it and if I didn't I was being cruel to him.

I always thought fetishes were like if you had to think about feet to orgasm or something, I never realised they can be obsessions that take over your life.

I dumped the guy. In the postmortem of the relationship, I've thought about what I think his fetish reveals and how it manifested between us in other ways.

- He wanted to "ruin" his body. That's an extremely self-harmy thought with a lot of self-destruction in there.

- He didn't care whether I found him attractive, it was all about him getting what he wanted. This did actually manifest at a late stage, when he became lazy in the situationship but expected me to be on hand to entertain him all the time.

- I believe eating to that extent is a substance abuse problem, along with all the emotional problems behind an addiction.

- He had enough disregard for me and other people around him that he would want to be incapacitated. His elderly mother needs help moving her fridge? His nieces and nephews need someone to look after them this weekend? I need him to carry a shopping bag for me? His future wife and children want him to live into old age? Well that doesn't matter, because it's his fetish to be 400+ lbs.

- Mommy issues. He wants me to "encourage" him to eat and get bigger, too look after him when he gets too big to do anything for himself, and he wants to be a big fucking manchild that only has to sit around and eat, because that makes him feel soothed? Yeah, mommy issues.

But heaven forbid I should kinkshame him. Look out for these things, ladies. They do tell you what's going on underneath.

2020-05-12T17:29:23+00:00

kinksters think they are being oppressed if someone on the internet says walking their gf on a leash is weird i s2g

greatmanatee2 · 2020-05-12T14:34:20+00:00

I have no history of abuse, and this lady likes to be choked a bit. Also I go to therapy, and I have no hidden traumas

Why do you go to a therapist if you think there’s nothing wrong with you?

honeybeeroll · 2020-05-12T13:02:58+00:00

THANK YOU. Idk when the hell this shit started but it needs to stop. All the people who would've been shamed into oblivion in the past because of moral standards society didn't budge on are now the least ashamed people, and it's always the worst ones, like people with degrading or immoral kinks

DivineHag · 2020-05-12T12:21:21+00:00

It's insidious boundary pushing by misogynists and perverts to eventually have their behaviour normalised.

Porn already has been. They're working on sex work, BDSM and transgenderism. "Minor attraction" is in the works.

We need to push back.

sexxxybae · 2020-05-12T18:33:01+00:00

On the fence about this... sometimes the things you aren't supposed to do are really hot in bed. There are things I like to be called, but not in real life. But my tastes would be considered vanilla based on the stuff out there now, like what you said, they're trying to break women's boundaries down. It's porn, I would know what the trends were in porn based on my boyfriend's desires in the bedroom. When the gagging on his d til you cry thing was the trend. That's nothing compared to some of the stuff now. It seems rimming is huge, girl doing it to a guy. Um I get it, the prostate thing, but NO. Jeez, they used to be happy just to get some pussy but now they need to be serviced like you gotta put a lot of work into it. When it becomes work girls don't wanna bang anymore. Don't even wanna turn the guy on anymore because you don't know what he will request or what will get him off in that moment (because yea a guy taking too long to cum is a thing.) Anal, rimming, gee yay what fun. What happened to normal sex, kissing and romance? Passion? I'm on a rant because this was on my mind recently. Another thing... I don't want to kink shame lol, but guys who like to eat their own cum???? waaaaaaaat? sry but that's gross. But I guess i'm a prude for thinking that

kayelynadventures · 2020-05-12T17:08:58+00:00

I think degrading is awful. Once a guy did it when we were kissing.. afterwards I blocked him. 🤷🏼‍♀️

JesusisKingisLord · 2020-05-12T18:16:55+00:00

Great post

ResponsibleCharacter · 2020-05-12T18:53:21+00:00

"kink-shaming" is mild as a descriptor of what I would do to a man who called me a slut or a whore. Whether it's in bed or elsewhere.

U wot mate? *fucking destroys*

Title	Why SHOULDN’T we kink shame? When did we all decide people’s sexual preferences were separate from their actual values?
Author	TheOGJammies
Upvotes	422
Comments	90
Date	May 12, 2020 8:31 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gi78kx/why_shouldnt_we_kink_shame_when_did_we_all_decide/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-shouldnt-we-kink-shame-when-did-we-all-decide.676363 https://theredarchive.com/post/676363