I've realized from lurking this sub for the past couple of weeks that it's time for women (read: me...) to become more picky and stop giving chances to men who just don't fit.

I'm in my mid-20s and dating exclusively in the religious, marriage-minded world, in a different country than I grew up in. While like everyone else I have my flaws, overall I'm nice looking and have a good personality that I am actively working on making better, to the point that I've given the benefit of the doubt and have given two (if not three, four, or more) chances to guys who:

  • are less religious than me, are divorced non-amicably and have a child, was not enthusiastic about me and would ignore my messages and respond after several days if not a week

  • don't like/are suspicious of my nationality/"cultural differences"

  • are divorced and thus have commitment issues (can't say anything else bad about this guy, otherwise seemed amazing and was extremely hung up on him for months after)

  • are less religious than me, have several large and obvious tattoos that he probably photoshopped out of his photos, terrible self esteem and jealous out of nowhere, made me stressed out constantly, unstable, tried to manipulate me and probably love-bomb me, didn't seem smart

  • are divorced non-amicably with a child, have anger and judgment and control issues that I ignored (when he left, it turned out that it was primarily because I am too close to my family. Second smaller reason was because I took the lead in walking for like 10 seconds on our last date)

(incidentally yesterday was asking to meet again, saying he lost his chance and regretted it, that this time he would be ready to go all the way through to marriage. I said no, no, NO. You can't imagine my mom's voice when I told her, who just really wants me to finally get married and have babies and be happy, hesitant and hoping to not be hurt, asking if I was going to give him another chance. A THOUSAND TIMES NO!)

  • chubby, super low job for his age, bored me to literal tears (I cried and went to sleep immediately after both dates, and I'm an extroverted night owl) by only talking about himself for at least three straight hours both times, asked me a total of three questions throughout all of our interactions (I counted. And two of those were ones that referenced me being an outsider/newcomer to the culture. That made me feel just a tiny bit like shit.)

  • are completely unattractive in my eyes, way out of my age range, and posted inappropriate things on Facebook

  • who are not enthusiastic about me, ignored me, almost ghosted me, felt bad and came back w a lame excuse about having problems with his teeth and thus somehow not having time to text for two weeks, somehow was not willing to take an hour long bus ride to meet (or even just meet in person as opposed to Zoom hah)

  • forgot about our first date, afterwards we rescheduled and then it turned out when I texted him a few hours before asking if we were meeting, that he had forgotten he had a family birthday. He wanted to reschedule again. When I said no, he cussed me out for "not understanding" and then proceeded to attempt to ask me out again the following day.

So what's particularly hilarious is this - how is it that I have been willing to overlook major character flaws or turn-offs, yet I have been rejected for being too close to my family, being too young, being from a specific country, supposed cultural differences, and the guy's own laziness??

It's a wake up call. I've been looking for a husband and a father to my children by being willing to accept almost anything that will be thrown at me. How messed up is that?

Meanwhile a lot of the guys I waste my time and energy with, reject me anyway for something stupid. It's not women who are picky, men are. But maybe there's something to learn from that.