So, I’m in a support group and today a woman posted looking for advice because her boyfriend had told her he wants to experience a “sexual phase” he missed out on years before (or whatever the fuck that means), but wanted to continue their relationship and allow her to do the same.
A second woman had posted in response to her explaining she had been in the same situation, and how at first when her boyfriend had suggested the same, she was hurt, “crossed boundaries” by checking his phone, etc, but over time learned to trust him and that she was happy in her relationship. She was basically encouraging OP to try it out and see if it would work for her.
I commented on the response by asking her why she settled for a man like that, to which she responded she was in love and he was all she needed. My response to that, although kind of petty, was “shame he doesn’t feel the same about you.”
This lead to an accusation of me being insecure and not understanding how her relationship works, etc. I admit I could’ve responded with a little more ease, but nonetheless why was I immediately labeled insecure because I disagree with the dynamic of staying with a man while he sleeps around?
Am I supposed to believe that I’ll learn to trust someone more when I know he’s sharing himself with other women that aren’t me? I get that poly is a popular concept nowadays, but it isn’t something people should be suggesting to everyone having a hardship in their relationship. To assume I’m insecure because I refuse to settle for someone who puts their sexual desires ahead of our relationship is absurd imo
Her comment reminded me of the countless women who accused me of being insecure because I didn’t like my husband watching porn. I used to believe that too, until I realized that it isn’t insecure to want the same respect from someone as I give to them. I wish it weren’t so common to just label women as insecure for being strict in what they’ll tolerate in their intimate relationships. Our feelings are valid too yet they somehow are always regarded as less important in a relationship than the man’s.
Nothing is insecure about wanting respect. Nothing is insecure about wanting exclusivity. I feel like an alien in this world nowadays even trying to explain this to other women.
Edit: whomever awarded me for this, thank you ❤️
[+][deleted] (3 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]TheOGJammiesRuthless Strategist[S] 5 points6 points7 points (1 child) | Copy Link
It’s never reciprocal.
[–]THE_ANGRY_SHARTERFDS STRATEGY COACH3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. If he's taking overnight and weekend trips with female friends, I am 100% doing the same, with male friends.
Men have got women fucked up.
[–]THE_ANGRY_SHARTERFDS STRATEGY COACH7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
There's a special place in hell for women who put other women down, instead of uplifting them.
In fact, I like to follow these types of women on Reddit and watch them bitch and whine and complain when their "strategy" of kissing a man's ass fails them.
This specific OP, who's man wants "a sexual phase" can still salvage the situation, if she wants. A CORRECT response to this situation is "Wait, so you want to fuck other women? Are you CERTAIN that's what you want?? I'll agree to it, 100%, on ONE condition. That I am also free to fuck whoever I want". And then she proceeds to sign up for OLD and fucking dudes. It's a statistical fact that she'll get laid quicker, and with higher quality men, than he will, with higher quality women.
She lets him watch her get dressed every night. She puts extra effort into her outfits, makeup, hair, and she lets him see that she's going to put on "the good underwear". The sexy shit. She also shaves her pussy. In fact, if she's doing this correctly, she goes out and buys new underwear to show off to this other guy, or she lets them buy it for her.
She then goes out "don't wait up, honey", and stays out. If it' the weekend, she stays out ALL WEEKEND LONG. She comes back Monday morning, showers and gets ready for work. While this is happening, she's not responding to his texts. She texts him back once every 48 - 72 hours, or less. With a cold, calculated response. When he's always with her, she's on her phone texting other dudes.
[–]rezzacci-1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm in an open relationship with my BF; I proposed it, and it works perfectly. But for that, it needs absolute trust between each other and, most importantly, that both want it.
You will never learn to trust someone more by letting him sleep around with other peoples, it's the other way around: you can let someone do that because you have absolute trust in him. If not, the open relationship is the worst thing to do.
And it's normal that you don't want to have one. Being insecure is not something bad (it's when you began to be possessive that problems starts, but it's really different than being insecure). Having an absolute trust in someone is something that should be earned over the years, and even that you need the other to show signs of trust. I'm still insecure a lot of times (I'm basically a ball of anxiety) but I managed to put my insecurities somewhere else, because I made the separation between love and sex.
But, for the other girls (or even OP) that want possibly to try that, then don't hesitate to fully enjoy it, and communicate: communication is really the foundation of any relationship and it's what save mine. Trust me: women can have dates and hook-ups far more easily than men. If you're men is honest about the fact that you can have sex with other peoples, he won't be mad, and it will be an additional proof of trust; but if he starts to shame you about it, give him an ultimatum: if he wants you to stop/slow down, ask him to stop completely, and if he still continues, break up. This kind of man don't respect your emotions and your person enough to deserve to right of being in a relationship with you.