Today I wanted to talk about this thread that came up on my front page: https://np.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/comments/mgpumu/is_it_cruel_that_i_dont_want_to_get_on_birth/

The OP here was asking if it is cruel to not want to take hormonal birth control and expect her partner to use condoms for the rest of their life as their main birth control method. I went into it expecting people to say it’s not cruel to choose what to do with your own body, but that it’s also healthy to work with your partner and see what they need.

The top comment was pretty good and reasonable, but a lot of the thread was filled with all sorts of platitudes about how it’s completely okay and not cruel, and how horrible it is that women “are made to be more concerned about male feelings than their own health”. Anyone saying that it wasn’t cruel, but was potentially unrealistic and/or impractical to expect him to do indefinitely if they become lifelong partners, was heavily downvoted and accused of caring more about men’s penises than a woman’s body. Ergo, the accusations of misogyny and patriarchy began.

Before I go forward, I do want to leave a disclaimer. This post isn’t meant to justify the assholes who refuse to wear a condom with someone they just met, or stealthing, or anything of that nature. One should always use a condom when having sex with someone you aren’t intimately acquainted with with, and it’s very unreasonable and an asshole move to try to weasel out of condom usage with strangers/sex workers/new sexual partners.

With that out of the way, I want to share some background for why I find this topic so upsetting. I’m a non-binary male and I had my genitals mutilated at birth. I have a nasty and very uneven scar line, and I have a lot of sensitivity issues from being circumcised; being mutilated has caused significant damage to my sexuality. I was once in a relationship with a woman and we tried to use condoms as our main birth control method at first. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and I could hardly feel a thing with a condom on. We would go on for hours with me feeling almost nothing with it - while some people would give me shitty platitudes to make me feel better (“You can last hours, dude, it’s actually a good thing!”) being unable to orgasm was horrible for both of us.

It wasn’t until she took the pill that we were able to have an actual sexual life. And the thing is... I am by no means the only person affected in this way. I moderate for r/CircumcisionGrief and r/Intactivism, and I’ve heard from many countless men/those born male about how circumcision ruined their sexual satisfaction and how sex using barrier methods is very impractical and has very little pleasure.

Alas — our society doesn’t care about the millions of men who had their genitals damaged at birth. It doesn’t care about the thousands of nerve endings we lack because of religious or cultural “tradition”. Instead, there’s a HUGE narrative that male sexuality is something to be ashamed of. That having a penis means your sexuality is dirtier, and that male sexuality is second to female sexuality.

Why is it that any man who expresses that condoms don’t work well for him and aren’t good for sex are treated like misogynists, assholes, or patriarchal? Why do we uplift female sexuality and empower women who choose what to do with their bodies, but then denigrate men who dislike condom usage, and treat them as bad people? Regarding the thread above, I think it would actually be very inconsiderate to expect your partner to only use condoms for the rest of his life and never get permission to go inside raw unless trying to attain pregnancy.