Do you think men’s tendency to hide their negative emotions and struggles in life(to not bother other people) adds to the perception that men have no problems in life?

SamaelET · 2021-12-16T12:45:43+00:00

I think it is also about perception :

A woman having issues --> She has issues because she is a woman

A man having issues --> He has issues as an individual.

Edit :

Funnily I saw a prime example of this while watching a TV show. A man try to evict a woman because she did not pay the rent for months. Another woman intervene, with a knife, and talk about how men always treat women badly and have no compassion for them, etc.

A man evict a woman for not paying the rent --> He does it because he is a man and because she is a woman.

lorarc · 2021-12-16T14:01:09+00:00

It's not really tendency. It's the pressure that a real man should be handle to solve all their problems on their own and if they don't they're not a real man.

In the traditional society women are to be protected and their problems are problems of everyone. Popfeminism doesn't challenge that, it that challenges the ways in which women should be protected.

They don't hear about male problems because they don't want to hear about them, they don't want to acknowledge men have any problems at all because then they might have to do something to help them and that's uncomfortable.

Also sometimes it's just a power fantasy. Many women for example say they are afraid to go out after dark. The statistics show that men are the main victims of violence and the criminals target men specifically (their "code of honour" usually is you don't hurt women and children). Yet many women have that fantasy that if they were a men they would be invincible and would kick everyone's ass if there was a problem. And if you say you wouldn't be able to handle an attacker because they're mostly likely younger, stronger and more experienced in street fights? Well, you're not a real man, they would be a real man if they were you.

And that power fantasy involves them having the strength of men but still having all the benefits of being a woman they just don't see because they expect it's normal.

Teh_elderscroll · 2021-12-16T12:23:23+00:00

Posting here bc menslib nuked it in 5 seconds

Douglas0327 · 2021-12-16T12:42:15+00:00

I don't think it's that men hide their emotions, it's that society doesn't listen or tells men they're "not being manly". There's a number of studies demonstrating this iirc.

StupidSexyQuestions · 2021-12-16T14:58:01+00:00

This is fascinating and I agree with this quite a bit.

Though one factor I would like to add is that, from my experience both personally, and observing others is that men are often punished for showing their struggles.

I’ve had my own parents get quite upset at me for literally being in physical pain and expressing as much. Even as a young lad.

Vegas_Moved · 2021-12-16T17:14:08+00:00

I've always felt men are much more beholden to the concept of: if you have a problem in your life and you don't adequately make an attempt to address it, you have no one to blame but yourself.

It's not that men don't have problems (certainly we don't face many issues that women do) or that we don't show emotion (though we certainly show less), it's that if we're faced with an issue we're brought up to try to fix it ourselves before we start making our discontent known. Not saying whether that's a good or bad thing, it's just how it is (based on my perception).

I think this is also why many men end up taking the "why didn't she say/do anything years ago?!?!" position when women come forward about abuse that they endured. Some men are trying to deflect blame, but I think many are just genuinely confused why someone wouldn't try to "fix" a problem when they're faced with it because the "if you don't stand up for yourself then don't complain" mindset has been ingrained in their psyche.

FightHateWithLove · 2021-12-16T15:20:42+00:00

Very much so. I think one of the biggest obstacles to male advocacy is the perception/expectation that men must show strength and self reliance.

"Man up" "Take it like a man" "Be a man about it." all include the ability to suffer in silence.

For a man to say he doesn't like the way he's being treated is to admit to being impacted by externalities and unable to handle them in silence. It's perceived as showing weakness, which for men invites dismissal and shaming.

When I see other men dismiss or deny male disadvantages that plainly exist, I think they see it as an opportunity to prove they are invulnerable to such concerns. That any such issue men might face is something to the men are supposed to overcome by themselves without letting anyone else know.

So from the perspective of most women, since they themselves don't experience such disadvantages and the majority of the men they see show no signs of experiencing them, the male issues must not exist (or not be that bad).

RhinoNomad · 2021-12-16T18:45:08+00:00

Most certainly yes. But I think it goes a lot further than that. I think men's issues are often diluted by a faux sense of individualism. Men's issues are often painted as a personal failing in a way women's issues simply aren't.

When women are victims of sexual assault/violence, it is because of a "rape culture" that "normalizes" and okays sexual violence. Proponents of this belief often point to the fact that women are often given the onus of protecting themselves (don't get drunk, why would you wear that blouse, maybe you were asking for it non-verbally etc) however, sexual violence against women is rarely, if ever, seen as a desirable thing for the victim or society at large.

This is just not the case with male victims. Male victims of sexual assault and statutory rape by women are often seen as either "lucky", desirable, even something to be envious of. In my own high school, there was a 16-year-old football player that bragged about sleeping with one of the teachers on a regular basis, and other people held this up as if he was someone to be envious of. The teacher was never charged by the parents or any authorities, but she resigned shortly after much of the school got word of it.

Even if the victim is scared, hurt, or uncomfortable with the experience, it doesn't matter, sexual violence against men is seen as an amazing accomplishment and while some of this is changing in the abstract, we still fail to call out the glamorization and encouragement of female sexual violence.

RoryTate · 2021-12-16T19:41:10+00:00

I would question the assumption that men "hide" what they are feeling, because for the most part, I don't see this being the case. Men definitely express emotion, but they often do so in ways that society has ignorantly deemed to be "improper". An angry or irritated man – such as a man denied legal visitation to his children – is certainly expressing his frustration and feelings of injustice in all sorts of activities, and through many different methods, but he is more likely to have the police called on him and end up in jail, than he is to receive sympathy and support for honestly communicating his feelings. Is that a problem with what he's saying? Or is it that nobody's listening?

Even when a man breaks down in ways that society supposedly accepts, it doesn't work out well for him. Just consider that video with the man crying in a store, where all the women present become scared and check on each other's safety, rather than approaching him and making sure he is helped. If it wasn't a staged event, I have no doubt he would have eventually ended up being "helped" by a police officer, and perhaps even put in jail "for his own safety". Men who aren't in control of themselves appear as a threat to others, and without any innate worth to a male, apart from his future ability to work and provide for others, he's not going to be cared for like a human being, but more like a broken tool that needs fixing, or else that can be cast away if it's too broken to repair.

In the end, society is not going to waste resources and effort on men (as a group) who are failing in some way. The commoners are ignored and left to suffer, because the reality is that the majority of men throughout history have not lived what we would deem successful lives. The average man has died an early, brutal death, with nothing to show for his brief existence. And that is how society has thrived and been able to direct resources to others, so I doubt that's going to change without a major shift in how we function as a species.

2021-12-16T17:14:55+00:00

I would question intelligence of any woman who seriously thought that. People in general don't have the luxury of melting down in the face of adversity, men in particular.

I've seen women cry in the workplace at least a half dozen times and I have usually worked in male dominated jobs. I have only ever seen a man cry once at work and he was quite drunk when he did so ..

JackieNaper1907 · 2021-12-16T13:11:11+00:00

Yes! Omg yes!!!

Men are shamed for talking about their issues so they keep to themselves and put on a happy face. So people don't here about men's issues. Women complain about our issues and we are heard. So ppl think men don't have issues but women have issues.

People know afghan women are oppressed but not boy laborers or bacha bazi

We hear about Chile brides but not child grooms.

We hear about fgm and not mgm

Deadlocked02 · 2021-12-16T13:29:36+00:00

Not only that, but also the fact that talking about your issues is a huge part of the socialization in female circles. While male socialization seems to be focused on activities that might distract you from your troubles in order to relieve pressure, female circles seem to prefer to actively talk about these issues in order to deal with such pressure (and I just wanted to say that I don’t think one is better than the other, btw. There is a huge push to make men behave more like women, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the answer. As with most things, I think the answer lies in the middle ground).

When only one part is actively complaining about their issues (and is encouraged to do so), many might be erroneously led to believe that the side who isn’t complaining as loudly is in a better situation than they actually are.

Basketballjuice · 2021-12-16T15:35:58+00:00

absolutely. When you don't see someone cry, you think they're ok. That's just how it is.

StarZax · 2021-12-16T14:03:09+00:00

Well yeah it does, but it only adds, it's clearly not the only explanation.

jesset77 · 2021-12-16T22:20:29+00:00

I would say that it's far more down to hyperagency.

EG less that "men hide their problems, so they go unseen" and more "male problems get categorized as the fault of the individual, and thus go uncounted, whether they get shared or not".

I can't put this much more simply than:

Nobody is ignorant that homeless people exist, nobody is ignorant that a vast majority of them are male.

NOBODY can claim that "men have no problems" and remain consistent with the concept that male homelessness is a thing.

The only way they can make that claim is by discounting all evidence (very loud evidence, mind you) which fails to feed their confirmation bias.

It's about on par with when incels claim "no woman will date me / have sex with me / etc" when I guarantee that there are overweight, belligerent, often bearded (not made up, drawing from personal experience on this one) and also often toxic harpy women who would be overjoyed to move in and ruin this person's life for them. While I am not claiming that they should lower their standard that far, I do claim that they should raise their own standard for themself to be higher than that.. to help ensure they aren't being filtered from consideration for the same reasons.

When people say "men have no problems" (or "women have no problems") they are definitely hung up on some specific group of people in their minds. Their smug ex, some celebrity they always see in media, politicians, CEOs, their boss or landlord, successful family member, etc.

Now even those people undeniably still have problems that are probably difficult to appreciate until you've actually walked in their shoes: greater ambition makes one vulnerable to greater risks and survivorship bias after all. But "the grass is always greener" is not a trope that requires silent grass to explain. :)

Algoresball · 2021-12-16T14:44:05+00:00

Yes, a lot of things that women talk about as women’s issues are things that happen to men just as often.

gohogs120 · 2021-12-16T14:51:38+00:00

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Feminists have the support system and network to get their voices and concerns heard. Men need to lay the groundwork to get the same.

a-man-from-earth · 2021-12-16T15:03:46+00:00

[permanently deleted]

BloomingBrains · 2021-12-17T05:28:46+00:00

I think it's definitely a factor. But we must be careful not to fall into the mental trap of "it's our fault for not opening up, we're doing it to ourselves". That's the feminist argument, and its very reductive. It ignores the fact that society does not like it when men open up, that it treats them badly. Just look at how people respond to men saying they have difficulty getting a date. So at some point, stoicism becomes a rational choice to avoid ridicule and pain rather than "just being an ignorant machismo filled idiot".

If you want people to open up, you have to restore their faith that doing is worthwhile, because people care and would take them seriously. Society is doing a very poor job of that currently.

And as much as I hate to go here, sexual selection plays a huge role. And because sexual selection in the human species is done mainly by women, that means I'm saying, by proxy, that the (average) tendency for women to be attracted to dark triad traits is partially to blame. If men with genes conducive to dark triad traits procreate more, more men will have them in the next generation. Over time this will become a social norm. Men who aren't dark triad may pretend to be for fear of being left out. And so on.

Also, people talk a lot about men opening up to each other more, but I honestly think they are missing the point. (I made a post about this.) You can't replace the deep kind of emotional intimacy--the kind you would get from a romantic partner--with mere plutonic relationships with other men. When it comes down to it, I don't really want to open up about my deepest thoughts and problems to another man, and I don't think I should have to justify that statement. Just imagine for a second, the immense relief one would feel after opening up to the one group you fear (quite rationally, mind you) would be most likely to ridicule you for it and finding acceptance there instead.

I know you're not really saying any of the things I'm arguing against, but I felt like I had to say all of this, because its a problem that often comes up when people discuss stuff like this.

Man_of_culture_112 · 2021-12-16T13:41:43+00:00

theulysses · 2021-12-16T19:37:25+00:00

I never do this. I don’t think most men do, either, they just limit who they show it to.

st0nervirginsunit3 · 2021-12-16T19:37:43+00:00

Yup just lonely apes. I think about the solitary male orangutan a lot

TheTurquoiseTortilla · 2021-12-16T20:52:32+00:00

I think that’s one of a few factors, yes.

Title	Do you think men’s tendency to hide their negative emotions and struggles in life(to not bother other people) adds to the perception that men have no problems in life?
Author	Teh_elderscroll
Upvotes	244
Comments	105
Date	December 16, 2021 12:15 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/rhpjmy/do_you_think_mens_tendency_to_hide_their_negative/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/do-you-think-mens-tendency-to-hide-their-negative.1092169 https://theredarchive.com/post/1092169