Sharing my story - High school sweetheart cheated on me and her father was in on it

228 points46 commentssubmitted by reddish4radish to r/survivinginfidelity

I like to share my story in hopes of helping others who have experienced similar situations.

Fair warning, I tend to write longer texts. 

TLDR: Got cheated on, fell into depression, changed my life, got better (well, kinda). 

She and I met in high school and our relationship lasted for almost 8 years. After high school we moved in together. She went to college in our hometown, I couldn't afford to study, so, I took up a job. I got a low-level entry job in the service industry. I worked my way up the ranks and eventually made middle management. Her father, who will be one of the key players in this story, couldn't afford to support her financially anymore, which meant that I had to put in extra hours. I worked a lot, 50+ hours a week and in addition, I was always on call duty. No vacations for years. It was tough, but I knew that I was helping to secure our future. 

The Syrian war had led to an influx of refugees in my country and my ex's father gave shelter to 3 male refugees. We met them on Christmas day 2017. One of these guys was staring at my gf like he had never seen a female human being before. When we got home, I told her that I didn't like the way that guy was looking at her. She told me that I was imagining things and that they are just confused, war-torn people who had left their families behind. "They are probably just looking for friends." Well, a few weeks later she told me that staring guy had contacted her and that he needed help with some documents and forms. I told her it was fine as long as they work digitally or at our home while I am present. She went completely ballistic and yelled at me not to tell her what to do. She said that I had no right to decide with whom she is hanging out. That should have been a red flag. But I didn't see it as one and just accepted her opinion. Month passed and she never mentioned staring guy again, so, I figured, he really must have just needed help with the documents. We even went to a party at her father's property with staring guy present. But besides the occasional staring there was no significant interaction between my gf and him. I seized the opportunity and talked to staring guy for some hours and even offered advice on important issues. 

At that point in time I was responsible for the income of 60 people and close to a burn out. I had to take a two-week business trip to Munich which I welcomed very much since it meant nice hotel, good food and only a few hours of work each day. She didn't want to be alone while I am gone and told me that she'll visit her childhood friend in the rural area of eastern Germany. One evening I wrote her to ask her how her day was going. She replied by sending me a picture of her food. It was some strange flat bread, olives and hummus. The picture was captured with "Sooo tasty *heart emoji* *heart emoji*". For those of you who don't know what "Hummus" is, it is a paste made from chickpeas and garlic, typically consumed in oriental countries. Alarm bells went off in my head. I knew that her friend's husband was a cook, he exclusively cooked German cuisine. The photo wasn't taken at a restaurant. I tried to remain calm and started to doubt my interpretation of the situation but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. 

When I got back home, she happily showed me pictures of her trip. A lot of photos of her friend, the husband, their children and their pets. Still, there was a voice inside me telling me "She is lying!". However, I am a I-need-hard-evidence kinda guy and I just didn't want to accuse her of something horrible based on an out of place picture of hummus. Besides, work grew ever more demanding and upper management had fired a lot of my work buddies, so, I had a lot on my plate. Even though I had turned in quite a profit for my company they refused to raise my pay or to let me have a shot at a higher position. They wouldn't even approve some weeks off (totally illegal btw). I decided to quit my job and to apply for university. With my ex almost having finished her master's degree and the perspective of receiving a payout from the open vacation days, I'd be able to finance university. The years prior I had bought everything we need anyways. A kitchen with appliances, living room and bedroom furniture, electronics, a car, you name it. We wouldn't need that much money. My ex was ecstatic with my decision because she knew that I always wanted to study. Her father invited us to celebrate my decision at his place. At the celebration only my ex, her father, her father's wife and staring guy were present. Strange, why was staring guy there? I was fiddling with the music player when I turned around and caught my ex signaling staring guy to sit next to her. There was a glimmer in her eyes, I knew that glimmer from the time we got to know each other. My heart sank, now I knew something was up. 

My ex had taken up the habit of "visiting her father" every other week. On DDay she left the house for one of such "visits". As soon as she was out the door, I accessed her computer. Her password was her last name. What a stupid password. I discovered that they were connected on all of her social media accounts. They have been writing each other quite regularly about all kinds of stuff. I then came across an email draft with an attachment. For what reason ever, that attachment turned out to be a clear text copy of their WhatsApp chat. In it I found detailed descriptions of their favorite sex positions, dirty talk and plots to deceive me so they could meet. At one point she wrote, "I feel so guilty." To which he replied, "Nah, you don't love him, so, it is okay.". Apparently, whenever we went to bed, she used her bathroom time to text him, saying "good night", telling him how I am not getting any and so on. The reality of it began to sink in, my head began to spin, I could hear my blood rushing through my veins. I looked at the photos above her PC, pictures of the both of us, smiling, kissing, holding hands.  “ALL LIES!”, I thought. ALL LIES, the furniture I had bought for us, LIES, the shelf I had built for her, LIES, our cat, that was now looking at me with wide eyes, LIES! For a moment I thought about burning all her stuff (minus the cat, of course). Instead, I got my car keys, ran to my car and floored that thing like I have never floored it before. There is no speed limit on the German Autobahn but going 160mph while your head is spinning with an all-consuming fury is not that good of an idea. When I approached her Father’s/staring guy’s place I called her and told her to come outside because I had “urgent business to discuss”.  It took her an unnerving amount of time to appear in front of her father’s house. She was pale and her hair dripping wet. She got into the car and I, again, put the pedal to the metal, as you Americans would say. She started to yell at me for driving too fast and demanded to know what was up. I exploded, screaming from the top of my lungs, “I know! I Know!”. For the next hour and a half, she straight up denied everything! Told me she’d never do such a thing. That I am crazy. That I could ask her father. After an excessive shouting match, she finally cracked.

The aftermath was brutal. Her female friends knew all along. And of course, her father knew. That last one was heartbreaking. Her father and I were friends, at least that is what I thought. I have helped him with multiple construction projects on his property and promoted his business for a number of months. He often told me how much he liked me. I confronted him, asking why he’d support such a behavior and even organize a celebration with her and staring guy. He answered something along the lines of “This is the natural progression of things. People fall in and out of love”. Thanks for the philosophy lesson, I guess. I turned into a sad, useless lump of depression. Stopped working out, gained weight. Lost all interest in my hobbies. And to make matters worse, now that I was a university student who had to support himself all on his own, I was burning through my cash reserve fast. I had to sell a lot of my possessions, my car, my motorcycle, electronics and other valuables. My new flat was a mirror of my mental state, completely depressing. No drapes, no carpets, no pictures on the walls. For months I couldn’t afford a decent meal. My financial situation was so desperate that I received a letter from the university threatening me with expulsion for failure to pay health insurance. 

Time heals all wounds. I hate that saying but for me, it actually proved true. With time, I just stopped being so sad. My brain would no longer push images of her infidelity on me. Nor would I obsess over all the lies she had told me. I found a way to secure my finances and managed to turn my apartment into a very cozy place. What helped me the most though, I found new friends and rekindled my relationship with old friends. Over all, I’d say that I’m happy. I still experience some negative effects, for example, I just can’t bring myself to take a girl home with me. I now had plenty of opportunities to take a girl home from a club, bar or festival but, for some reason, I just don’t do that.

If you are going through a similar situation, I just wanna tell you that things will actually get better. Do things that are good for you. Invest in your future. Go out. And most important of all, don’t be harsh on yourself. You’ll probably need some time until you are fine again, and that’s okay!