My wife and I have been together 10 years. Things were great in the beginning, but after 4 years of marriage, she was diagnosed with clinical depression and since then, things have been hard. I also know she has self harmed during our marriage (through a concerned friend), but she hid it well and I had no idea.

Just for additional context, I work 45-50 hours a week at a labor intensive job and she's a SAHM, which is hard work as well.

I'm not proud of looking through her phone, but she's been extremely distant lately, and since developing depression, she never opens up to me about how she feels. She just smiles and acts like everything is fine. I've read this is normal for people with depression. I was really worried about her. I know she confides in a certain friend, and I just wanted to make sure she wasn't suicidal or self harming again. She hasn't been going to therapy, but if I saw she was ready to act on her depressive thoughts, I'd urge her to go back.

Anyways, I read the messages and in them she is constantly putting me down; saying she does all the work, saying I don't support her, saying I never talk to her anymore and that I'm emotionally cold. Reading it objectively, it looks like I'm a deadbeat dad/husband who doesn't care about his wife or family. I also saw that she snuck away to a bar one night (alone) when she told me she went to a friend's house - she had to have drove home buzzed.

I realise people need an outlet, but is this just venting? I feel that I pull my weight at home. I get up everyday with the kids at 5am and let her sleep in till 7 or so. If I have time, I do some cleaning before work. After work, I cook dinner for us and clean up most of the time. I give her a break when I walk in the door so she can veg without the kids. I'm always more than willing to watch the kids while she goes out with her friends 2-3 nights a week, heck I encourage it! She needs time away from the kids. I support her through her depression and take time off work when she's having a really bad day.

Anyways, I know the way I'm writing it sounds biased and paints me like a saint. I'm not perfect. I can be selfish and veg out a while on my days off. I'm not always the best listener. I get tired and fall asleep early, yeah. I'm just really hurt. I feel like I carry my weight in the family and I feel like I'm a good husband and dad. Do I talk to her about this? Or do I just step up my game and do more? Maybe I am lazy/unsupportive and I don't even realise it.

Tldr; wife thinks I'm lazy. What do I do?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/byqaf4/i_32m_snooped_on_my_wifes_33f_phone_she/