I wanted to experience a Tinder date

I was going to make Denver in the afternoon but got stuck for four hours on the interstate because someone parked a helicopter on it. I have no idea why, but I’m going to assume the pilot was a woman and she pulled over for directions because frankly I find that funnier.

So I was going up through the mountains and decided to go to Vail, Colorado for dinner since I was way behind schedule and see how the patriarchy and the “other” half live. Also I wanted to pretend I was a thot on a Tinder date. For those who have a life and don’t know what Vail is, it’s a huge ski resort complex in CO that encompasses a number of ski areas and condos and rental properties and the lot. Vail is an attempt by snooty people to emulate a European village and goes for the international vibe. I mean they host the Vail Lacrosse Shootout. There were a lot of Russians and Germans while I was there; I guess Moscow is too warm this time of year? There were also a lot of middle class people there taking a vacation to pretend they were upper middle class. So Eurotrash and Americans with credit card balances.

Vail pass is about two miles in altitude and quite cold. If you generally hang out at sea level like I do, breathing is a challenge. Also, don’t wear cargo shorts and flip flops.

The Weather wasn’t great, but I wanted to see how the rich people were doing and what they’re up to.

So the village was going all holiday but seemed strangely empty. The runs were open but not many people seemed to be on the slopes.

Last time I was here in April, I saw an Instagram thot shooting film, but now it seems to cold for thots to be screwing around. Probably no one was paying any social media influencers to be there.

So I decided to have dinner at Mountain Standard, one of the rich skier restaurants next to Gore creek that runs through the village. They let you bring your dog in when you're rich.

Now pretend you’re a Tinder thot eating in Colorado; you peasants probably think they would have some sort of local cuisine right? Maybe some wild rabbit? No. Trout from the Colorado River? Not even close. To be a proper thot, you have to order the stupidest thing you can that requires the most energy and time to have. So what regional dish would you order? Why grilled octopus with a vodka for scale, of course. You know those wild octopuses you hunt in the snow? Yeah. Colorado is land locked in case you’re not from the area.

So what would you have as a main course? Bighorn sheep? Nope. I know, venison. Nah. Instead your thot brain knows that you get Tuna crudo with a bourbon for scale. Tuna is not native to Colorado of course, and nothing says “I need to warm up since it’s 6° F ”, like chilled raw fish. Crudo, if you’re a peasant, is raw meat, in this case Tuna, much like Poké or Ceviche, but lately Crudo seems to be the new snooty thing to put on menus. It's already spreading around.

Since a thot needs fattening for winter, naturally you need the house made chocolate French silk pie with hazelnut shavings paired with a coffee stout for scale.

So you’re a well fed thot, but you’re not happy. Time to get your Tinder date to drive down an unlit frozen mountain road to Denver because that's not a white knuckler or anything.

In this case, I took myself on a date to Punch Bowl Social. This hipster place is full of hipsters, beards and flannel a-plenty, all the girls have tatted sleeves, and combines what you want in a bar, which is a diner, a bowling alley, over priced drinks so you can Instagram the night away, and one restroom.

There is pinball and foozeball in case you want to feel old school and working class, play with virtual reality while your date tweets a #MeToo to two for the lols or lines up her next Tinder dinner swipe, private bowling if you need to feel exclusive, public bowling if you need to be seen, and pay $10 for drinks if you haven’t managed to escape reality enough with Colorado's lovely marijuana legalization.

As a tinder thot, I hadn’t had something stupid in the last couple hours, so I ordered a Jessica Rabbit which is carrot juice, apple juice, and ginger ale so I can pretend I'm healthy.

I (the thot) didn’t feel my date (me) had given me enough attention so I gave myself a folded rose so I could feel like a White Knight^tm and a “nice guy” and then I ran off to the bathroom and didn’t pay like a typical thot and took an Uber home, so typical. I had a Bay Breeze which I had to explain to the hipster bartender how to make. It’s vodka, cranberry juice, and pineapple juice. It’s nothing as exciting as carrot juice, but I’m not a cool millennial.

So as is the case these days, I didn't get laid, and I had to foot the bill.

Dating is pointless. I should have just gone out by myself.