Recently I remembered that I can talk to women if I want to, that I don't have to. This relieved me a bit. Then I looked at their faces, their expressions and I realized, I don't want anything to do with a human like that. If you look at female faces in public, they are never happy or inviting. Dismissive, angry, hateful, condescending is what I describe them. They don't look at me and always pretend to be busy. And I - being dressed whatever - am never good enough. Just stopping them without them rolling their eyes is very hard. My sex drive has made me stay in that torture-loop of being horny and being rejected for more than 10 years now. Also pickup advice made me stay there because they always say "try".