I'm just catching up on the news. It seems to be pretty cut and dry. Man approaching the twilight of his years finally breaks under the weight of marriage.

That's not going to be in the headline, though. Here are your top headlines:

  • Gun control enforcement measures to increase.
  • Gun free zones to be abolished to avoid tragedy!
  • Christianity to blame for shooting.
  • Violence against women, and what can be done about it.
  • Mental illness programs to receive new funding.

What won't you hear?

  • Marriage needlessly claims 3 lives.
  • Marriage causes and guarantees exacerbation of mental illness.
  • Marriage traps man for decades and ends in tragedy.

Protect yourselves and everyone around you. Don't get married, and be a negative Nancy to everyone who acts excited about marriage. They might just end up in your school 30 years later and get your kid killed.