Original Version, air date, October 14, 1967:

Captain Kirk beams down with a landing party to the planet Norfoogu to meet with its leader, Prime Minister Tschobehofgu. The Enterprise's mission is to obtain a drug named Kitsfuedline which is needed to alleviate a deadly butt rash on Adenatri IV. While McCoy and Spock make the arrangements to obtain the drug, Kirk meets Prime Minister Tschobehofgu's daughter, Miriam, a beautiful, shapely woman in a long, flowing evening gown, who quickly takes a liking to the handsome and powerful Kirk. On a beautiful and scenic walk, Kirk sweet talks her and, of course, ends up making out with her. Cut to a commercial, and upon return, it's implied that the passionate Kirk has bedded yet another sexy alien woman. Upon their return to the city, they learn that an enemy of the city named Hoonkongoon has attacked and kidnapped the Prime Minister, Spock, and McCoy and is demanding food and meds for his people, who are the ones who mine the stuff that the medicine, Kitsfuedline, is made of. Kirk must apply all his wits and resources to free his people and the prime minister while obtaining the drug and also a fair deal for Hoonkongoon and his people. Through plot twists, including a “Kirk-fu” fight scene, Kirk manages to do so. He then says a teary goodbye to Miriam that includes a passionate kiss. After Kirk beams away from her, she looks up at the sky in wonder and longing for a romantic and powerful starship captain named Kirk. Fade to black, roll credits.

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Version revised to accommodate feminism, air date October 30, 2018:

Captain Kirk beams down with a landing party to the planet Norfoogu to meet with its leader, Prime Minister Tschobehofgu. The Enterprise's mission is to obtain a drug named Kitsfuedline which is needed to alleviate a deadly butt rash on Adenatri IV. The drug will be administered to all people of color, but not to any white males who deserve to suffer because of years of their white privilege. Prime Minister Tschobehofgu introduces Kirk to his daughter, Miriam, who turns out to be a hideous blob of a woman with massive flab hanging out of her long and flowing evening gown and who looks at Kirk with an expectation that he'll give her all the sex she's ever wanted, but whose yeast-infested, meat-cave of a pussy is a grotesque vortex where no man has gone before. Kirk sees in the Prime Minister's eyes that he'll be insulted if Kirk doesn't bang his lard-blob daughter, and so Kirk disappears with her into the bedroom from where we hear a bed slamming up and down and lots of grunting and gasping and slurping and flopping flesh sounds and Kirk screaming for help. Cut to commercial. When we return, we see Kirk in bed cuddling with the blobby-fleshed mammoth skank. She looks radiant while Kirk looks revolted, sweaty, and destroyed, desperate to escape. Before he can do anything, a crane lifts Miriam up and pulls her out of the room and then the Prime Minister's son, Bruno, a flaming queer in a silky outfit, enters. “My turn, big boy,” he says softly and limp wristed. Clearly revolted, but unwilling to insult the Prime Minister, Kirk rolls over and sticks his butt in the air. Delighted, Bruno moves toward his bum and begins to mount him as we fade to black and then go to commercial. When we return from commercial, Kirk is lying in the bed completely exhausted, disgusted, and destroyed. Bruno gets up to leave, winks and Kirk, and says, sultrily, “Thank you Captain, big boy.”

After Bruno leaves, Spock and McCoy enter and Spock says, “We were unable to obtain any Kitsfuedline, despite our best efforts negotiating with the rival clan lead by Ms Hoonkongoon.” Then Admiral Uhura, who didn't even beam down with the crew, enters and says, “Silly white boys. Where you've failed once again, I've once again succeeded. I've already negotiated a contract for all the Kitsfuedline we'll need for the next 10 years. It's being beamed up to the ship as we speak.” Kirk answers, “I should have known. I can never get anything done without women's help. I should quit being such a sexist pig and quit exploiting and objectifying women for my own selfish lusts. From now on I'm banging only blubbery landwhale women like Miriam and homobuttslamual men like Bruno. I'm such a jerk for not lusting after them from the get-go.”

Back up on the ship, Kirk is seen shirtless in the gym and whipping his own back with a cat of nine tails and crying out and sobbing, “I'm sorry for being white! I'm sorry for being male.” Whip-whip-whip. “Waaaa-wwwwaaaaaahhhhh-waaaaaahhhhh.” Whip-whip-whip. Pan back to see Spock, McCoy and dozens of other white men whipping their own backs and screaming, “Waaaaahhhh, waaahhhhhh, METOO!!!!” Fade to black, end credits.