“Those fucking shitheads!” Alexis thought to herself as she scrolled through her phone. She was reflecting about past lovers, looking at their profiles on Facebook. Alexis wasn’t irate. She was bitter. Bitter at the realization that those men were pursuing fresher pickings. Bitter that she had yet to start a family. You see, Alexis would be turning 37 by the end of the month.

“I let Devon take his dick out of my butt, stick it in my mouth and pop a load in the back of my throat! We filmed the whole thing on our phones. Yet he still wouldn’t commit! I did everything my role model Amy Schumer would do. But none of these men would marry me!”

She began to think more about her former lovers. There was Chad, Rocco, Chester, Jamal, Noah, Liam, Mason, Jacob, William, Ethan, James, Alexander, Michael, Benjamin, Elijah, Daniel, Aiden, Logan, Matthew, Lucas, Jackson, David, Oliver, Jayden, Joseph, Gabriel, Samuel, Carter, Anthony, John, Dylan, Luke, Henry, Andrew, Isaac, Christopher, Joshua, Wyatt, Sebastian, Owen, Caleb, Nathan, the 2019 Los Angeles Lakers, and other flings that “don’t technically count.”

“These loser men don’t know how to treat a princess!” she thought. “I am highly educated and I have a successful career. I just don’t need them.”

Thinking about her career made Alexis feel a little better. “I am an empowered and educated woman.” She reflected. “My leadership style of telling people what to do has really benefited my organization”.

Unbeknownst to Alexis, she had been hired simply to fulfill a diversity quota. She had no real idea what she was doing at work.

“I know! She remarked to herself. “I will check my dating profile, and have a date night just for funzees!” She proceeded to open a dating app that will be released in the future. An app called Greasehole.

“Wow! I have 2666 matches!” She exclaimed excitedly. “I’m gonna be on a date in a manner of no time!” She thought.

“EWW!” She said to herself as she looked at the first match. “Yuck he’s only 5’10! LAWL he’s a plumber! Next!” She proceeded to open the next prospect. “Disgusting! Asian men are so ewwww! Next!” She opened the next prospect. “What an asshole! That guy is just looking for a fling! I need a real man that can treat me like the princess I am! Next!” She opened yet another prospect. “He’s OK I guess. But he writes poetry and while I want a sensitive man I’m just not that attracted to him in particular for reasons I don’t understand. Next!”

An hour went by and yet Alexis couldn’t choose. “Damn. Where are all the good men! There are no men to man-up and father the children that I am entitled to!” She remarked out loud. “Ever since I saw The Notebook I knew my destiny was to be in the best relationship in the whole wide world! If this wasn’t my destiny, why would so many Disney movies suggest that it is my destiny?!”

She proceeded to glance back at her phone. “I’ll look at just one more potential date.” She thought as she swiped the screen. “Wow he’s ugly as fuck. But he’s a software developer and he’s over six feet tall.” She remarked to herself. “I choose him for a date.”

Arrangements were made, and Alexis would be going out on a date with a software developer named Kevin. The first date was to be a night at Kevin’s house drinking whiskey and watching movies.

Suddenly, Alexis felt a strong stinging sensation on her pubic area. “Shit a breakout!” Alexis yelled out loud. “It’s ok.” She reiterated to herself. “If Kevin Herpes-shames me he is a member of the patriarchy. And I will sue him.”

In the future, men are liable for lawsuit if they refuse sex with a consenting woman that has herpes. Also, if a man has herpes and doesn’t disclose this fact he can be prosecuted for rape. It’s titled Senate Bill-69, Break-out…….. of the Patriarchy act.

Alexis Proceeded to spend the next two hours putting on makeup for her date with Kevin. “I’m sexy, I’m independent, I’m smart, I eat, I pray, I have spirit, I’m in the now, and I’m a woman!” She cheered to herself. Once she was ready, she drove to Kevin’s house. “These homes are only worth like 700k. Lawl, at least it’s in a good area. When I start a family with Kevin I’m gonna push him to move to my dream city of Malibu. The place where my Barbie Dream House fantasies can be fulfilled.” Alexis remarked to herself as she drove through his neighborhood.

Her pubic area was on fire at this point. “I’m gonna need to add more ointment.” She thought. But Alexis soon realized that Kevin’s house was just to her left. “I’ll just use Kevin’s restroom.” She parked and walked to Kevin’s door.

After knocking, Kevin was quick to open the door for her.

“Hey I’m Kevin.”

“Move aside, I need to use your bathroom. Right now is not my best moment but if you can’t handle me in my worst moment then you don’t deserve me in my best moment. I’m having a genital warts outbreak right now and I need to put on my ointment. Also the ointment is expensive so I need you to chip in. Don’t even think about herpes shaming me or I will sue you.”

“You’re going to have to leave.” Kevin spoke softly.


“Leave now please.” Kevin replied.


Kevin shuts the door.

Surprisingly, Alexis realized that she had been defeated. She proceeded to go back to her car and drive home in defeat.

Upon driving Alexis noticed a sign on a homeowner’s lawn: Free kittens. “I know I know! I will get several cats because I’m independent!” She said to herself as she pulled over.

“I’ll take four!”

The day was a success in the life of a future millennial woman.