This is gonna be a long post and through this post I want to tell you guys the story of my blue pilled days. This story dates back to 8 years, that is 2011. But it still has an impact on me today and the person I am now. There was this girl in high school, HB9, and two years younger than me. I would have rated myself barely a HB5, because I was short(165cm/5ft 5 inches) and maybe ugly too quite a bit. I was shy. I couldn't talk to girls. I would blush and my face reddened up whenever I talked to a girl. So this girl, let's call her, ASH, I had a crush on her since 2008. But I never took my chances.

In February 2011, she opened up a facebook account. I added her there and asked for her number. She refused and brotherzoned me. A few weeks later she gave me her number. We started talking over the phone after midnight till 6 am even though she had a boyfriend. I became her "BEST FRIEND". I guess that's an upgradation from the brotherzone level.She broke off with her boyfriend on May 2011. We became more close, but she had a problem with my height and being short and also being physically slim and not "muscular" enough. I used to tell her how much I love her every night, she used to say that she can't do much about it and she still thinks about her another ex. But, she also told me not to stop expressing feelings for her. Things went back and forth and finally she accepted my proposal on 16th August, 2011 4:30 am. (Yeah I have photographic memory, which is the worst part). We went in a relationship but I was still very shy. We went to watch a movie and she wanted to kiss and hug me, but I felt uncomfortable. It took me time to become comfortable with her but once I did, there was no turning back. I would kiss her everyday from our way back to school and make out with her. She even said that she wants to have sex and would even pay for a hotel room, but I refused because I believed in having sex only after marriage(YEAH I WAS THAT GAY).

She meant the world to me, we used to talk almost 16-17 hours a day. She became my habit, my addiction. My whole world revolved around her. We even dreamt of marrying each other and she used to call me "HUBBY" and I called her "WIFEY". We even had planned our name for kids. I was very serious about her. My whole world revolved around her. But suddenly on November 9th,2011(A wednesday, Yes the dates are etched in my memory as are her memories) she said she can't carry on with our relationship anymore as her parents had seen our sexual messages but she would carry on the relationship after our exams which are to be held in March, 2012. She said her parents had taken her phone which meant no contact between us. REMEMBER, SHE DID NOT BREAK UP WITH ME. I was devastated. I lost my appetite, sleep and any desire to live. I couldn't focus my mind on anything. I couldn't talk to anyone, because even talking to my friends created more trouble. I was all alone. Every night I would cry until 5-6 in the morning and still couldn't sleep. I would cut my thighs with a sharp knife. The wounds are still there. It's like someone took my life away from me. I was actually suffering from PTSD. Only I was too young to understand that. I was barely 18. It was kinda like a drug withdrawal symptoms.

On 21st December, I saw her holding hands with her ex and roaming in a school party. That was devastating. I asked her what was going on she refused to talk to me. I would call her 20-30 times an hour, send her essays of text messages between November 2011 to February 2012. No replies. Nothing. I just wanted to know what the hell was going on. I was in the dark. I had no clue. I was broken. I was hurt. I had no one to even talk to. The pain was excruciating. Finally on 27th February,2012 all of a sudden she sends me text messages abusing me and calling me midget and saying that I used her money. I was shocked. When I wanted explanations. She said she would give me after our exams are over. April 2012 came, our exams were over. I tried to contact her. She said she was busy or whatever. Finally, on 26th April, I saw her going in a relationship with yet another guy on Facebook. That was the time I knew that she is a whore and I moved on.

In July, 2012 suddenly she calls me up at 2 am and asks me to come back and how she misses me and how nobody could understand her as I understood her. I even understood the meaning of her silence. I simply refused to accept her back because I understood that she has changed and she is not the same person I was in love with. I moved on, but I could never stop loving ASH.

When I look at it now, years later, I realized I never loved who ASH was but the pedestalized image of her in my mind. To me she was this perfect version who was the most beautiful girl in the world. I never fell in love with any other woman even though I had been with 50+ women in the interim. A part of me(the blue pilled me) still "loves" her and always will.I am so afraid of going into a relationship that I have never been in an LTR since then. When a bad feedback loop is created in the brain. That habit loop breaks and the habit is not repeated again. So, is the case with me and relationships.Not a single woman even attracts me or gives me the feels as she did. I feel sad for the nice guy that I once was. He is dead now. I haven't even moved on yet, because I never got closure and she will never give me closure. I asked her so many times but she simply refused. I am incapable of loving another person as she deserved to be. For better or for worse, I think everything happens for a reason and I am very grateful for my experiences. As I said, I still love her and always will but not the person she is anymore. I think ASH died way long back and I choose to keep it that way. Me and her memories. This is what you get when you get brainwashed and sold on the idea of love. Don't let the media do this to to anymore. Open your eyes and take the redpill.

Anyway, but with this decade(2010s) coming to an end and me getting transformed from a blue pilled nice guy to a red pilled man. I am thankful for the experiences. Always remember AWALT and never get into ONEITIS. Keep Spinning plates, Keep lifting and keep improving yourself.

LESSON TO LEARN - NEVER PUT ANYONE ON A PEDESTAL. Because then they will have no option rather to look down upon you. AWALT. MGTOW.