Realizing that so much of "you" is actually just a set of reactions and defense mechanisms that your brain built up and stuck to all these years is insanely life changing and destabilizing. I feel like a fucking shell of a person after taking the red pill. I can't deny that a lot (probably the majority) of my day-to-day behaviors and interactions are dictated by the set of responses I learned when I was developing as a kid.
I think I'll have to keep going MGTOW because marriage is not for me. Shit tests remind me of the trauma that I went through. This is why I always fail shit tests and ended up dodging bullets.
Symptoms that I've had for years (or decades) that are tied to CPTSD (and unbeknownst to me until a few months ago):
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hypervigilance (never knew this word existed but as soon as I heard it I knew I'd never forget it because I've always felt extremely hypervigilant)
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muscle/body armoring (never been able to fully relax my body)
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chronic, recurring depression (flares up "randomly" but is really abandonment depression upon close inspection)
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anxiety (for me, the flip side of depression, when I have more energy)
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emotional flashbacks
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relationship/closeness/trust issues
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nightmares (would wake up regularly by yelling things at my abusers in my sleep)
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chronic feelings of alienation (like I'm fundamentally and irreversibly different and will never be a normal part of society)
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irresistible urge to isolate myself where no one can find me (i've moved to a relatively remote location in a woodsy area where I know no one in the state)
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negative outlook on life (it has so much to offer, but not for me because I'm an outcast)
It's like the fog has lifted and I can finally see the way out. But it's an absolutely enormous trek and even focusing on one or two bits at a time can get so overwhelming.
But now I have almost nobody. Nobody I can really explain this to in any depth with any hope of receiving empathy in return.