Realizing that so much of "you" is actually just a set of reactions and defense mechanisms that your brain built up and stuck to all these years is insanely life changing and destabilizing. I feel like a fucking shell of a person after taking the red pill. I can't deny that a lot (probably the majority) of my day-to-day behaviors and interactions are dictated by the set of responses I learned when I was developing as a kid.

I think I'll have to keep going MGTOW because marriage is not for me. Shit tests remind me of the trauma that I went through. This is why I always fail shit tests and ended up dodging bullets.

Symptoms that I've had for years (or decades) that are tied to CPTSD (and unbeknownst to me until a few months ago):

  • hypervigilance (never knew this word existed but as soon as I heard it I knew I'd never forget it because I've always felt extremely hypervigilant)

  • muscle/body armoring (never been able to fully relax my body)

  • chronic, recurring depression (flares up "randomly" but is really abandonment depression upon close inspection)

  • anxiety (for me, the flip side of depression, when I have more energy)

  • emotional flashbacks

  • relationship/closeness/trust issues

  • nightmares (would wake up regularly by yelling things at my abusers in my sleep)

  • chronic feelings of alienation (like I'm fundamentally and irreversibly different and will never be a normal part of society)

  • irresistible urge to isolate myself where no one can find me (i've moved to a relatively remote location in a woodsy area where I know no one in the state)

  • negative outlook on life (it has so much to offer, but not for me because I'm an outcast)

It's like the fog has lifted and I can finally see the way out. But it's an absolutely enormous trek and even focusing on one or two bits at a time can get so overwhelming.

But now I have almost nobody. Nobody I can really explain this to in any depth with any hope of receiving empathy in return.