Background – Married 15 years and took the red pill around Halloween (found MRP by hitting random subreddits). I’ve been learning and focusing on improving myself since then. I was a classic beta with a bad case of oneitis. Our first few years we had great frequent sex with her initiating half the time. Then around the time we started having kids (and her sister had a teenage pregnancy), she shut down sexually. I had my wife on a pedestal and had heaps of covert contracts to try and get her interested in sex leading to tons of sexual frustration. It’s been the #1 problem in our marriage. Things are solid otherwise. I’m committed to our marriage if for no other reason than I’m not going to blow up the marriage just over sex because I’m not willing to do that to my kids. But my mindset has changed about my options since I took the red pill and when my youngest is 18, I see an open door if things aren’t satisfactory. Sidebar – finished NMMNG, rational male, MMSLP, blue professor’s podcasts, and Burn the Fat Feed the Muscle. Halfway through WISNIFG and the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.
Physical - Me: 36, 6’2” 207lbs 16%BF, about a 6.5 (up .5 since starting to lift), her: 35, 5’7” 145lbs 33%BF, a 6.5 but pulls it together to be a 7.5 easily. I’ve always been in decent shape, did some distance running, play basketball and mountain bike. I hadn’t really lifted since high school. I spent a month lifting the best I could with the weights I had, then got a squat rack and bench and have been doing 5x5 stronglifts for the last month. I’ve added 13 pounds of muscle in 2 months. Going to start cutting when I add 3 more pounds. Lifting is awesome. I feel like a god after a workout. She noticed and commented on my looks and progress. Got interested in how I was doing it and I gave her Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle. Now she’s eating way better and exercising way more too.
Financial – my house is in order, debt free, career on track with a step up on the horizon this year. Bought a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood last year that was a bit of a stretch, so we’re a little house poor. Wife is SAHM with 3, 5, and 8 year old kids. She wants to go back to work for extra money for fun and updating the house. Wife is a little anal about balancing the checkbook (like every day), so she’s handled the bills, but we agree on budgets and major purchases. A few weeks ago I told her I’d take over the bills. She was happy to hand them over, but pushed back when I mentioned a week later I’d handle the online ones too since she has it all set up. She’s a good FO in that regard, so I’m content to let her handle it.
Captaining – I’ve never been a drunk captain, but I haven’t led as well as I could have. I’ve stepped up planning vacations, always having a decisive opinion on things, and generally owning my shit. I’ve also stepped up home repairs, focusing on the things I want to fix or improve, not what my wife has on the top of her home improvement list.
Sex life – My wife noticed my newbie gains immediately when I started lifting and our frequency and intensity went up for the first month. I started initiating whenever I wanted (like once a day). Still getting turned down most of the time, but went from once a week to 3 times a week. She was even happy about being woken up for sex when I came to bed late after a workout. That had never happened before. One month in, after she had turned my initiations about 5 days in a row, she asked what was going on, why I was acting so strange. I said I was just improving myself and pursing my goals. She asked me to stop initiating as much and I said no. She wants once a week, but if it was up to her it’d be once a month to never. I said I’ll initiate when I want to, and I’m totally fine with a no. She said I was being cocky, and was joking about her concerns, and not giving her enough attention. She said I’m always physical and touching her and she thinks I only value her for sex. She said I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted and I said yep. I thought I held frame well and didn’t agree when she wanted to schedule sex (something she never wanted to do back when I used to try to negotiate desire), and did my best to not DEER.
Appearing Butthurt – I know the advice when getting rejected is to get out of the house. That doesn’t work well for me because it’s always after 9 pm when then kids are to bed that I have her alone to initiate, and then I’m up at 5 for work. Last night I initiated. Her arm was sore from lifting so I massaged it, then had her turn over and massaged her back. Then went down under the covers and massaged her feet and up her legs. I was working up her thighs to her butt, which is a pretty typical warm up to sex for us, when I hear her say to not put my nose in her butt. I told her I was down by her knees and kept going. I started playing with her bottoms, about to take them off and she says no, don’t, I want to keep my bottoms on. Knowing that means she’s out for sex, I got out from under the covers, sat on the bed and started reading a book.
A minute later she’s furious and wants to know what that’s all about and why I stopped so abruptly. I did too much DEERing, but I don’t want to go Rambo. I said I knew she didn’t want sex so I stopped. She said she liked the massage and still wanted it, and that this shows I only want sex. As has been the case with rejections the last 2 months, I go do something else. She said she still wants to connect with me but if I disconnect and leave, then it proves all I want is sex. She discounted all the other stuff I do, and acted like I’m all about sex 24/7. That I have sex with her to get validation for myself. She said I only value her for sex. I tried to be the oak and reassured her I love her and chose her, but it was just DEERing. She said when I go do something else after a rejection, she thinks I’m punishing her for not submitting by withdrawing my attention, and that means that’s what I value her for. In a way, she’s right about that, but we don’t talk about fight club. The idea that I value her for sex is the core of her negative attitude about sex. I want to reward good behavior, but no, I’m not interested in continuing to give you a massage after being rejected.
My question is how do I avoid appearing butthurt? I told her I’m going to keep withdrawing physically when she turns me down because I’m going to let my body calm down. I really am fine with the rejection, I came to terms with rejections a year ago and have stopped reacting. I just move on. Perhaps it’ll just take 15 months to offset the 15 years of being so beta and actually being butthurt and mopey after being rejected. Any suggestions on not looking butthurt?