What up fellas. I discovered this place 6 months ago, been lurking ever since while starting my own MAP. Figured it's about time I start contributing. So here's my story...
Been married for 3 years (together for 5) and always had a great relationship...high attraction to one another, lots of fun together, respectful to one another, good sex, all was well.
Then came baby and shit started going downhill. Sex was more and more infrequent, I was constantly butthurt about it, but nothing changed no matter how much I complained or communicated with her.
Then I found this place and it all clicked: I lost status as the alpha leader. My wife pretty much told me exactly this months prior to me discovering RP (during one of our fights about sex) - how I wasn't taking charge enough - I was just too blind to understand it at the time. But it was true.
After our baby arrived, my wife led the way and I deferred to her on almost everything. She now had two children to take care of, no shit she didn't want to fuck me!
My background: I've always been fairly fit physically, making over 6 figures in a great career, handling all finances since day 1. I've never had oneitis, and was spinning multiple plates when I met my wife. Dread is something that's always been overly abundant in my relationship, probably because my wife knows I've cheated in previous relationships; I just didn't have a word for it until now. So, mentally and physically, I wasn't in terrible shape starting out. I count my lucky stars for discovering this community before things got worse.
While I knew I had to start lifting more and get better at holding frame and being OI, one of my biggest priorities has been to regain my leadership status by simply being more proactive, engaged and decisive. I knew I couldn't lead with the baby 100%, but I could step up my leadership qualities in every other area as a husband and a father. So, for example, if she asks "what should we have for dinner?", no more "I don't care" bullshit responses from me. No more waiting for her to ask me to fix something, either. It was time to man up by doing and answering everything like a man who knows what he wants. That's the simple frame I gave myself and try to stay within at all times now. Easier said than done, I know.
Anyway, I've had plenty of ups and downs over the last six months, but the point is: this shit works, if you put in the work.
Here's a brief overview of some of the successes I've seen:
-
Sex has increased from 1-2 times a week on average to more like 3-4 times per week or more.
-
Quality of sex has improved dramatically. Ass play is now a staple, whereas before RP it was never even on the menu. She's never been open to anything other than traditional foreplay and PiV; yet just this week she admitted how much she loves it when I DP her. Yes this is a humblebrag...it's only a matter of time before full on anal happens. (Thanks SGM!)
-
I'm also way less butthurt after getting rejected. I'm still not all the way there, but my anger and frustration has subsided significantly. After putting it toward lifting weights in the gym for months, these resentful feelings just seem to have evaporated. I find myself NEEDING sex way less now. I'm not sure why, but it just doesn't matter as much to me anymore.
-
I'm finally slipping into the Amused Mastery mindset now that the sidebar material is coming more naturally. I'm able to spot a shit test from a mile away, and don't panic and overthink my responses as much as I used to. They just amuse me now more than anything else. Whereas 6 months ago, any attempts at AA usually blew up in my face, probably because I was coming from a place of anger. And she could tell.
The biggest fuck ups I've made have been:
- accidentally letting her discover fight club by leaving RP content open on my phone
- DEERing like a bitch when confronted about the "toxic" and "misogynistic" stuff I'm reading. When this happened, I basically explained that I'm reading anything I can to become a better man (for her). She knew enough about RP already to not look into it further, and thankfully leans toward traditional gender roles anyway. If you have a woman that is particularly prideful and full of fem-power, I can see how this would be a complete disaster...but for me, it didn't seem to affect my progress too much. I wasn't going to let something silly like this derail me and I basically told her to "let me know if you don't like how I'm acting and we'll talk about it, but I will read whatever I please." I made sure not to go Rambo, and she hasn't complained or brought it up since...but YMMV.
All that said, I've still got a lot to improve on. I find myself DEERing every now and then when I shouldn't, and my frame is still more fragile than I'd like. If she's being shitty, it can make me act shitty too. I try to prevent this by always being fun and flirty, which totally works at getting her to relax and lighten up, but sometimes I just don't have the energy.
But I also realize there is no "end"...you are always working on yourself, and the moment you think you've made it is the moment you start to backslide. So fucks ups be damned. They're going to happen. The main point though is to make sure if you fail, you fail forward. Take every fuck up as a lesson and a step toward fewer fuck ups and you'll be fine. Don't dwell or obsess over them, bc in the grand scheme of things, they don't mean shit.
So yeah. That's me in a nutshell.
