Welcome back to 60 Days of Dread, the annual MRP event devoted to improving you. We’ve talked about how to game in the past. This year, we’re talking about the mindset behind your #60DoD game and other improvements. Do you improve in order to game your wife? What if you've never gamed your wife, and now it's inauthentic to start? How do we borrow frame until we get there?

Lats and Levels

When I started lifting, my Lats were non-existent. My shoulders were the same width as my rib cage, so trying to “flex” my lats was like trying to wiggle my ears. I couldn’t have found the place in my own brain used to control them, any more than I could have controlled a new tail.

I started doing Lat Pulldown with the wrong muscles and poor form. I was doing my best impression of what I saw other men doing - moving the stack of weights up and down. I lacked the awareness to see that their spines, shoulders, feet, hips and neck were also involved, and it was more than just moving the bar.

I could have read about weight training and diet all day long, and watched every youtube video on Lat Pulldowns. But I never learned how to tell my brain to use my Lats until I did it myself, over and over.

The progression was something like this:

  1. My lat does not exist. I don’t know the feeling/place in my own brain that controls it. My exercise is a crude impression of what I observe from other men, but it gives me a place to start.
  2. My lat muscle exists, when I’m under the bar I remind myself to use Lats here, just like we learned. I know the place in my own brain that controls the muscle.
  3. My lat is a part of my body’s whole tool kit. It cooperates with my other muscles to perform tasks, almost automatically. I don’t have to consciously engage it to pull a bar (or to launch a giggling child into the lake).

When I started gaming my wife and learning how to talk to women, my ability was non-existent. I didn’t know the place in my own brain that told me When, How and Why to use the Game muscle. Instead, I did a crude impression of what I saw other men doing. But just like the lat pulldown machine, my mindset was off: I was forcing the movements, instead of developing a Game muscle of my own.

You may see where I’m going with this. You can develop yourself like a muscle. Your discipline, your ability to STFU or game your wife, even your motivation and discipline - these can be trained, and they follow a similar path to developing a lat for the first time:

  1. My Game muscle doesn’t exist. I am performing a crude impression of what I see other men doing; I have poor form and I’m trying too hard.
  2. My Game muscle exists, and I can remind myself to use it (time to game my wife now, just like we practiced)
  3. Game is one muscle in my kit, and it works naturally with the other tools to accomplish my goals (or to launch a giggling wife into the lake).

Fake It Till You Make It, and Borrowed Frame

There is a point where each of us must try something we’ve never done before. To start, the mindset (or motivation for what you’re doing) might be nothing more than a crude imitation of what you see other men doing. Here’s where Fake It Till You Make It is a valuable tool. Stated more simply: Act like you are (x), while you authentically become (x). When you start gaming your wife for the first time in years (or doing anything else for the first time), it’s going to be inauthentic by definition. Don’t be afraid to try something even though it feels unnatural; have enough self-awareness to realize why it feels unnatural, and work through that.

I’m gonna buy a boat and start Barracuda’s Fishing Charters LLC. Before I land my first client, I’m still going to act like the captain of a charter fishing boat. No one has paid me for my services yet, but I’m going to portray the confidence of someone who’s been a professional for years. Is that deceptive or dishonest? No, and I’m not going to lie about any part of it. But I’m going to borrow that frame until it becomes authentic, when I have paying clients of my own.

I want you to Fake It Till You Make It by borrowing the frame of another man. A man you admire, one who is strong where you are weak. Steal it and make it your own. And no, I’m not talking about pretending to be u/red-sfpplus on your next date night with the wife (although it might work, post an FR either way.) So who is this strong man whose frame we’re going to steal? It’s you, your frame, in the future. Take on the persona of the man who has been doing this for years - steal that frame until you make it your own, today. Want to hear something legitimately crazy? I’ve asked myself, in important moments: What would Barracuda do? This is not a blaspheme on the WWJD phrase. I have a very clear vision of my future frame, and the distance to there from where I am today. I steal that guy’s frame. And I Fake It until I adopt that frame as authentically being a part of my own.

That’s the second part of FITYMI, the dangerous part that we don’t talk about: “Till You Make It.” Have you met a man who is so inauthentic, living so long in borrowed frames, that even the sound of his own voice seems like he’s doing an impression of someone else? When we force it, our wives can tell, too. It is good to borrow another frame while you develop, but it is dangerous (and unattractive) to get stuck in the faking. You may notice a heavy correlation to the Dancing Monkey Improvement Program, where MRP guys try to imitate everything they see without learning it for themselves - the results are disastrous.

The time will quickly arrive when your lat pulldown needs to be more than just a crude imitation of what you see in the gym. Similarly, your ability to Game your wife should be developed on your own, along with the nuance of how you use it, not just by following the examples set by MRP. You’ll learn to deal with wives and bosses by reading books, but that should eventually be replaced by your own authentic frame. We follow the rules, so we know how to break them.

“One pretends to do something, or copy someone or some teacher, until it can be done confidently and easily in what becomes one’s own style.”– Cary Grant (stolen from this #60DoD post)

Here’s the most important part. Your mindset, your own motivation and ability to discipline yourself to do anything - that can be developed, too.

Let’s get back to the question at hand. What's your mindset behind what you're trying to do - gaming your wife, pumping your lats, or learning to STFU?

  1. I’m doing this for the OYS forums (it’s good for me, but I’m still faking it - others hold me accountable)
  2. I’m doing this because someone told me to; I’m doing this to save my marriage, I’m doing this because I believe the outcome will save me
  3. I’m doing this - all of it - because it has become an authentic part of who I am. My mindset, discipline and motivation are inextricably tied to my mission; they don’t waiver based on any external circumstances

We borrow a bit of frame every time we participate in OYS, or read about MRP vets who are already living the frame we want to adopt. Instead of looking at MRP as a flowchart to follow, seek to have your frame authentically incorporate all of the things you’ve practiced. You’ll realize that you weren’t training for 100 Sets of Rules to Counter Hypergamy or even how to game your wife. Instead, you’ve been developing one man who is the composite of many tools, much like your developed lat muscle became a single point in a larger, stronger body.

The more I realize the path to becoming a fully actualized man, I realize the path to becoming that guy is less like changing, and more like remembering. Less like pulling from outward sources, more like aligning to internal authenticity.

Don’t be afraid to Fake It Till You Make It, or to adopt the frame of strong men who came before you. Steal frame from the future version of yourself that you have defined clearly with your vision. Don’t get stuck performing a crude impression of anyone else. Remember why you’re doing this, and be aware if you take motivation from an outside force. Notice when you’re outgrowing your borrowed frame, and develop into one authentic version of you that masters these skills for himself.

Then toss those motherfuckin kids into the lake as high as you can.

---

Edit: Some additional reading on the topic.

A recent thread by u/armcandy from this post by u/Red-Curious:

We all have to go through a phase of “fake it til you make it”, but you’re still faking basic interactions. At some point you need to find a way to interact that’s authentic for you so and stop trying to manipulate specific reactions out of her.

Also linked is the excellent post discussing game, frame and intentional narcissism with u/rstonept:

The fact that so many people think being good at Game means you want to be Don Draper is missing the point.

I won't put words in the author's mouth, but it's almost like Don Draper is a borrowed frame from a better version of Whitman...