I’m won’t beat about the bush: I heard she hit you. Broke your glasses.

Story of your life these days.

Ya got two kids. One on the way. Are they even fucking yours?

You work forty hours a week. Commute fifteen hours. You take the kids when you’re back.

You have no fucking life. No friends.

What. The. Fuck.

I heard you slept in your car for a week?

You live at your mom’s now with the kids?

The fuck is she doing in the new house you bought her?

And you want to know how to use Meetup??

Didn’t you tell me you actually thought of hurting yourself because of the stress of that mortgage and your life?

So what, you can’t move? You can’t live abroad? Change your career?

But why exactly?

You would rather be dead than do any of that?

You are 35 man.

What can you do?

Kick that bitch out.

What would you actually miss about that relationship?

Like literally: what facet of your life could conceivably be less well off if you left?

You think the kids benefit from growing up around... that?

You’d rather, what? Hang your self? Than tell your mom you got a divorce?

If a guy mugged you, wouldn’t you agree to divorce to prevent a bullet in the face?

Better yet: if a 20 yo smoke show did it, would you?

So you have to date?

No matches on Bumble: cut your fucking hair.

Don’t want to fuck a fat bitch: lower your standards.

No time for dates: fucking work less.

Shat yourself on the first date you had with SBXW... well fuck. Just don’t do that again.

Jesus motherfuckers. PSA: do not. I repeat: DO NOT. Consign yourself to a life of fucking misery over some girl that gave your tummy butterflies in college.

Do not. Repeat: DO NOT. Fucking kill your self to prove a point to people.

Why?

Nobody fucking cares.

No slow cap as you and your katana blade are cremated, your ashes scattered across the bay from a single fedora to the tune of “leaves from the vine”.

I know at least two fuckers that wouldn’t shed a tear.

I personally do not care about you and I’m glad I got to tell you that before you kill yourself.

But maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s a terrible tragedy...