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A Simple Trick For Damaging Self-Talk

August 17, 2018
78 upvotes

Although most of us come here focused on getting something from someone else...

(i.e., sex from wife)

...I'd wager that most of us end up finding out our work is primarily internal.

Even if we're fighting with our wife and it's driving us mad, it's really our own reactions that are difficult to master.

Even if we're struggling with a Dead Bedroom, it's our own inability to leave - to risk loneliness in search of something better - that's the root of our issues.

One of the most common of these internal obstacles is negative self-talk.

It's quite easy to internalize the critical voices of parents, teachers, and even spouses...to hear their put-downs and vitriol in our minds before anything is ever spoken out loud.

When many of us stumble upon MRP, that inner critic is given a whole bunch of ammunition with which to demean us.

"She won't fuck you because you're fat"

"They don't respect you because you're weak"

"Be more alpha; what the fuck is wrong with you"

Our inner critic simply changes form...same old shit, same old insecurity, just now it calls us "faggot" and knows the word hypergamy.

-------

MRP - and as an extension, owning your shit - are predicated on brutal realism. See reality for what it is, accept no half-truths.

The inner critic is not reality, however. It is overly negative, as unrealistic as any pie-in-the-sky pollyanna.

While owning your shit, and accepting things as they are, is the foundation of self-improvement, negative self-talk only breaks you down...it never builds you up.

It's this sense of helplessness, hopelessness, and impotent rage that fuel so many "anger phases." We may be upset about our situations, but we're just as angry at ourselves...unable to forgive ourselves for things we didn't know, weren't taught, couldn't do.

Somehow, we feel we should have known all this shit already...how could we be so stupid?

We go from letting others cut us down to just doing it for them.

We may even manage to convince ourselves it's for our own good. Time to get tough, pussy. Time to MAN UP.

--------

It never really works that way, though.

That inner critic? It never goes away.

No matter how ripped, how "alpha," how confident you get...there will always be part of you that thinks it isn't enough.

Sometimes, you can use that inner sense of disgust to propel you forward....to get you to the gym, to get you out of your room, to take that next big step.

Most of the time, though? That inner voice convinces you it's hopeless. It isn't a risk-taker; for all it's talk, it isn't the thing that's going to get you off your ass.

Remember back to the last time someone really motivated you; when someone pushed you past what you thought was possible...whether that was a coach, a teacher, a boss, or a friend.

Chances are, they didn't spend all their time telling you what a giant piece of shit you were.

It's only by shutting down that voice of self-doubt and self-pity that we find the strength to try new things, to push through adversity, to push past our comfort zones. You can't make a pass at your wife if you're telling yourself you're doomed to failure, and you can't flirt with that girl at the bar if you're busy convincing yourself she'd never give you the time of day.

-----------

The Trick

If, like me, you find your inner critic to be relentless...to fuel the worst parts of your personality (the need for validation, the vindictiveness, the sad-sack helplessness)...

Then feel free to borrow this simple trick:

Whenever you become aware of your inner critic laying into you - whenever you overhear your own negative self-talk?

Imagine that voice as the voice of Donald Duck.

Whatever it's saying to you, let it go - but hear it in Donald Duck's voice. (Elmer Fudd works as well)

Somehow, re-framing the voice as outside of yourself - and as objectively dumb-sounding - takes away much of it's power.

At that point, you can think more clearly about the kind of shit you want running through your brain. After all, "states become traits," and the more we re-focus our mind on the positive, the more we can enjoy ourselves on our journeys to better lives, better sex, and better marriages.

Hope this was helpful.

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[–]MrChad_ThundercockPlaying the lead roll27 points28 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Even uncle Chad suffered from negative self talk and crippling low self confidence prior to red pill.

Here’s what I learned:

The brain is a record of the past. We are all running old scripts/software in our Minds everyday. It’s the same old programs and patterns everyday - actually the same pattern of firing of circuits in our heads that keep producing the same results that you current have.

Every time you think, you create a chemical that provides the same feelz over and over again. We are all preprogrammed to keep feelzing the same way each day - we run the same script. Our RAS focuses on our current beliefs system and filters out everything else that doesn’t support it.

You can never be better than the self image you have of yourself. Your self image runs a program like your thermostat in your house, it’s goal is to maintain same temperature and image it’s currently set at. (There both a cybernetics mechanism) that’s why you feelz great by using your Donald Duck voice for a little while but then go back to your baseline- feelzing like shit. Or pump yourself up only to feelz like shit the next day. It’s keeping you at your current set point. You can’t pump your way out of it nor mask your way out. You must go in deep and change it.

You must go deep in the mind and change your self image.

You HAVE to, there is so much shit out there that fucked up our minds from when we were children- we didn’t know how to deal with it. Mainstream advice is dumbed down.

I practice positive affirmations everyday, before I get out of bed,l or whenever the fuck I want to. I do tons of visualization work too. See myself living the life that I want to, being outgoing, full of life and energy, full of value, feeling gratitude, not giving two fucks about negative shit. What ever you hang up is, see yourself doing it and being really good at it, etc. feelz the emotion, feelz the confidence. There are execises you an do to Change your self image.

At first it sounds really gay, but over time you can truely REWIRE your brian to start firing new circuits and you start seeing the feelzing the world in a different way. Mainly because your self image has changed and your RAS (reticular activation system) is tuning in and focusing on something else now. You’ll start to notice all the positive things about you , not the negative, to reinforce your new beliefs system- as opposed to your old one.

I did it. And overtime, you don’t need to practice it anymore. It’s effortless. I created a strong inner game now.

It just becomes you. You have to feelz the emotion before it happens (by practicing meditation/visualizing) in order to see the infinite possibilities out there and disrupt the old pattern of thinking.

I know it sounds metaphysical, but it fucking works and is the magic bullet. You never have to be the same person you once were.only by choice.You can be better. It’s ashamed that it’s never taught to us, concept of the self image came out long ago and it gets downplayed by mainstream. People go their entire lives not knowing about it.

Do the work and change your inner self image - you can rewire your old patterns and old beliefs systems. Look up Dr Maltz book called pycho cybernetics.... Or don’t do it ...and continue to live an everage life and mask your insecurities with a Donald Duck voice.

Good post.

Good luck.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVMRP APPROVED3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

“Even Uncle Chad suffered from negative self talk and crippling low self confidence prior to red pill.”

Well, you’ve certainly come a long way, motherfucker.

Thank you for your comment.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

David Berkowitz: "I had to kill her. My duck told me she was the antichrist."

But seriously. Meditation is the shit for dealing with stuff like this. Spend enough time just watching the thoughts and feelings that pop up at random in your head, without getting sucked into thinking them, and you start to realize they're all just shit. Well, maybe not all shit but you start to realize it's perfectly fine for thoughts to pop up, you can choose to just see them, then let them pass away without necessarily believing they have to be acted on or thought through. It's a slow process, doesn't happen overnight by any means, but when does anything?

[–]Meditationfayce0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Agreed! Been using headspace is their anymore you can recommend?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Two books: Culadasa/John Yates "The Mind Illuminated" and Dan Ingram's "Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha". Second is available as a free PDF if you google it. Both hardcore about meditation practice from beginner to realization of no-self in nitty gritty detail if you want to move beyond the new-agey "10 minutes of relaxation" kind of meditation.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMRP MODERATOR16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Beta shit goblin. Always trying to tear you down.

You have to punch it in the face, go to the gym, and get what you need to have done, done.

[–]redwall926 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Cgbgjr0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Confession time--I did a "white knight" thing yesterday for a woman I didn't know and wasn't trying to pick up--just beta habit--happened so fast I didn't realize it until it happened. Moments like that remind me I have a lot of beta de-programming to do.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

i agree that killing your inner negative voice or at least it's decision making position is key

your proposed method is akin to imagining your audience is in the underwear when giving a talk. never had any luck with that; and doubt Donald Duck will help me either.

i have found that meditation and iron go a long way

probably, the biggest thing for me has to been to not think and just do. in game this is the rule of see-approach, zero hesitation, just do.

reminds me of the steeps ski clinic i took this year. standing at the stop of a steep pitch the instructor gives her guidance, and everyone stands there staring down the mountain like "fuck, who's going first". kinda felt like an asshole, but i ain't going to stand up there and pysche myself out . . . instructor said go and i jumped over the hill

[–]matrixtospartanatLVMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well, big P, that was a ‘cliffhanger.’

What happened at the bottom?

Please tell us you fell on some strange!

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I did not fall on any strange. I’ve been behaving since last October. I did fall down the mountain several times

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

3 second rule exists for a reason

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So you don't get sick from food on the floor.

[–]BobbyPeruMRP APPROVED2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This is actually not a bad baindaid, but you’re likely to keep getting cuts, which just require more bandaids.

The real fix is to change your self-talk. With that being said, I commend you on at least being aware of the self talk.

But, the way to change the self talk is to break down what’s holding you back on paper: look at a couple key situations, and then find the pattern of core belief. Only then can you begin to change your self talk.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVMRP APPROVED2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is the ‘rest of the story.’

I’m actually doing EXACTLY this.

I wrote down my negative self talk story, and am rewriting it, like rewriting a program.

I’m going to include it in my post-divorce FR.

[–]BobbyPeruMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That’s cool. A lot of life coaches use this model

[–]matrixtospartanatLVMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s my first project after my divorce.

Life coaching.

I hadn’t learned this was a model.

Are you certified?

[–]jacksarmy3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dr. Glover of NMMNG also has a course on The Ruminating Brain: https://www.drglover.com/tpi-university/ruminating-brain.html

Which could be worth checking out

The Ruminating Brain: Practical Strategies for Turning Your Biggest Critic into Your Staunchest Ally

Typically, a ruminating brain causes a person’s mind to spin in many of the following ways (check any that apply to you):

Your Ruminating Brain Keeps Your Mind Spinning About the Past:

It rehashes perceived mistakes. It agonizes over missed opportunities. It replays failures and fuck-ups. It dwells on regret about bad choices. It collects and hangs on to perceived wounds and slights. It revisits “what only’s” and “only if’s.” It builds a case for, and constantly reminds you of, your defectiveness and inadequacy. Your Ruminating Brain Keeps Your Mind Spinning About the Future:

[–]facestab2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You want me to self-critique in a demonic cartoon voice.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Life, itself, is unmanageable. As prepared as we try to make ourselves for what’s to come over the horizon, there will always be some new situation or circumstance with which we have to assess and determine what, if any, action we will take.

I look at the tools I learn here in MRP as “guiding principles”. These principles will always reveal which direction is best for me (or at least which way is clearly worst). Many of these principles primarily serve as stool to remove distractions. Distractions blur, obscure, and hide our purpose, or at least our self-worth, from us.

Negative self-talk is one of those distractions. For some, including myself, it can be detrimental and lead to some very unattractive behaviors. I wholeheartedly agree that CHANGING our negative self-talk, our negative self-image, is more important than changing the voice of it. For some, though, it could be helpful tool to use while they master changing their self-talk altogether. Kind of like how we are told to STFU before we try to Agree and Amplify, or use Amused Mastery.

Negative self-talk can happen even if you lift every day, T levels are good, wife is blowing you regularly, and everything seems to be going well. Life itself is unmanageable. But it’s not out to get you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ever met a chubby, homely guy that seemed to have it all? He's not great looking, but people are drawn to him. Some people, even though they like him, refer to him as "ape like".

Yet, he gets the great looking girl, has loads of money, and get respect even from strangers.

Maybe he has something going on in his head that is different.

Yes, your self talk, it is really self air-writing. Everyone can see it, and, it changes the way the world interacts with you.

It matters not HOW you change negative self talk, what matters is that you change it. Or in classical literature terms, kill the beta shit goblin. :)

[–]robertwservice1974Grinding1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you are self-aware enough to recognize your inner critic and give it your favorite cartoon voice, why not take the next step and silence the critic?

One book that has helped me silence my inner critic is The Inner Game of Tennis. One of my key takeaways from the Inner Game is to stop myself from using judgmental language when thinking about events.

Events are neither good nor bad. Assigning "good" or "bad" to an event is my ego's reaction to the event. By seeing events as they are, and using descriptive (non-judgmental) self-talk, I avoid allowing my ego to interfere with my future performance.

This can be simplified as "Performance = Potential - Ego Interference." Even further simplified: "Kill my ego."

[–]RedPillCoachMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it was Jung or Freud or one of those crazy guys who wrote about the collective unconscious and also about that little voice in your head that can often be so critical.

One theory is that little voice is YOU! That is, he is the 'real' you. I am not so sure and suspect that little voice may very well be your mother. No, I am not kidding! When you do the disassociation thing OP suggests imagine that little voice criticizing you in your mother's voice.

Recognize that critical tone? Now we are getting someplace. Now you know the exact maw of Hell from which that tone comes- and furthermore you know how to deal with it!

[–]red-sfpplustells 1000 lb club pussies to fuck off1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

I am a complete and total fuck up. Ill admit it and own it.

But I have never had a negative internal voice “negative self-talk” issue like you describe.

So I can’t jive with your post brother.

Might help someone around here thou.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Reading the post, I was just glad that I don't have this problem making things more difficult. It's hard enough dealing with this anger. That would fucking blow if some shitheel voices were telling me to fuck off all the time.

[–]EveryGodDamnDayGrinding1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Funny, i thought everyone had it. Ah well, if it ain't one thing it's another.

[–]BobbyPeruMRP APPROVED2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Funny, i thought everyone had it. Ah well, if it ain't one thing it's another.

This is true. Everyone is kind of screwed up in their own unique way

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get your point, but I can understand OP. I’m also a complete fuck up and I own that. But knowing you’re a fuck up and having your own internal monologue pile on adds to the difficulty. I’ve been working on my monologue well before my RP journey started, so when I hit the anger phase I was able to use my own (non-cartoon) scripts to overcome. My anger phase was seemingly shorter than most. But OP isn’t that far off. Not sure I could execute his method, but if it works for one poor bastard than it’s worth the post IMO.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

But I have never had a negative internal voice “negative self-talk” issue like you describe.

can't say the same. do you really mean never? even when you were down in your Xanax hole?

[–]red-sfpplustells 1000 lb club pussies to fuck off1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If I did, it was short lived and I don’t remember.

I get pissed, not depressed. I view negative self talk as a depressed persons tool.

Even when I was in the ward I had very good awareness. I was pissed at myself for allowing it to happen.

I never beat myself up over it or felt sorry/pity for myself.

Semantics perhaps.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Semantics perhaps.

no, not really. quite a gift you have there brother.

[–]Reach180MRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not surprising.

In what I've learned about you, you're on the opposite end of the spectrum

[–]FoxShitNasty83Captain of the HMS Fucktard0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Too much negative self talk is a problem. However being called a fat faggot is much better than the namby Pamby comfort there there poor you approach that leads to negative victim self talk... Sick.

Thanks to weakandsensitive , johnnya and perseaus the anger that stirred in me lead to me getting my hands down a woman's knickers. Thanks gents I salute you. More please.

[–]BirdManBrrrr0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

YOU ARE THE PRIZE

Or, at least work on becoming the prize and once one starts valuing oneself, the negative self talk starts to correct.

Chicken or egg? Doesn’t matter, build your own value and confidence and everything else shakes out.

[–]eyeamamess0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for this post. These past couple months I’ve been locked inside my own head which lately has been a dark and angry place. Seems to be a lot of recent posts about anger which couldn’t have come at a better time.
It’s been a very stressful and overwhelming couple months and I have not been embracing the suck. I’ve become so easily flooded that I flip at the smallest shit test or shitty tone from her. Sure, life throws shit at you and you have to deal and I’ve been dealt quite the hand.

Stressing under the weight of the emotional and financial strain of living with a disabled wife who is in pain 24/7, cant walk anymore. Angry ALL the time, having most of her independence taken away. It’s understandable but it does weigh me down on a daily basis where I get pissed because I just want ONE day without a problem of some sort.

Add to this the fact that it’s been nearly a year without any intimacy. I would attribute some of that to her disease, but a healthy portion of that to myself for not initiating because of her condition and me being an angry fuck.

My internal self-talk does not help at all. Not forgiving myself for past failures and being angry with myself for current fuck-ups. The covert contract in my head that I haven’t killed yet tells me that “Hey, I handle all the house stuff, shopping, meals, kids activities, her medical needs, full work schedule, two active and successful rock bands and she has the nerve to get pissed at me because why didn’t I remember to do X!” Then I have the MRP forum voice reminding me that “She may be sick and in pain, but if you were man enough she would at least find another way to meet your needs… or she’s mad because you just aren’t good enough.. etc.” That adds up and causes me to flip out on even the smallest of shit tests.. she was even fucking with me lately and I flip my shit and have another argument. I know better.. I’ve been reading this shit forever. She literally told me that my rage and anger is a turn off… no shit! ** Don’t be unattractive **

TL;DR, Thanks for this post and recent posts about anger. I am re-calibrating… slowing down and STFU.. think before speaking.

[–]screechhaterMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is where listing comes in. Your discipline equals results.

For incredible traction one should do a deep spring cleaning of all associted material possessions, wardrobe , etc and “reset the new you”. It give a good indication to your mental faculties the new you is here

A friend recently asked my advice. I started off with “you dress like a dick. You think it’s acceptable to mow the yard in paint splattered rags and answer your door in a arm pit stained t shirt. You don’t even cut your hair regularly .....”.

“How fucking attractive. How self deflating”

[–]Trancer990 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

okay fine take my effin +1

[–]matrixtospartanatLVMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great post.

This topic is one of the most underrated areas of opportunity for noobs struggling to get their shit together.

Thank you for posting this.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

"Your brain has a well maintained 4 lane highway to 'I'm not happy', and a shitty dirt road to 'I'm happy"..

Along the same lines. He discusses that some say meditation is the way to fix this...but you can't just sit there and meditate to happiness...theres more to life. But you can't just burn out chasing it either...or you can't enjoy it. It's a balance...learn to live in a state of unequilibrium instead of searching for equilibrium.

 

Understanding that your mood is in large part dependant on hormones in your brain that you don't have direct control over helps. In addition...your current mood is developed by your brains interpretation of past recent activities. So even though in the now your self talk is negative and there's no way on earth will anything change it...you go and do something that influences those hormones and bam...now you don't feel so bad.

Do this enough and pay attention...and you'll start realizing "I know I feel like shit and am self doubting...but every time in the past I've felt this way and did X, I felt better after. Might as well try X again. I have nothing to lose."

 

I'm shotgunning solutions here but one more I like when my mind is telling me "I cant", is then telling myself "Prove it. You think you're bad at X? Think people think Y? Prove it. Go do that thing you think you can't, and if you really can't, then you're allowed to feel this way. Because you know these thoughts are based on some manufactured self doubt that has no basis in reality...so prove it." And often I'll go and try, and succeed.

 

In short...your brain is an idiot, and it often develops it's mood now from life in the near past. Instead of trying to fix it in the now, accept that it is the way it is and instead do things to create a near past that it can only find success and satisfaction in.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This might sound weird, but I spent a lot of money on a watch. Whenever I heard the bad voices, I just drown them out by looking at my cool watch. Simple as that. And I never understood until recently why dudes gave a shit about clocks sitting on their wrists.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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