Anger: Your best diagnostic tool

FrozenSoil · 2017-05-25T18:17:12+00:00

When you realize that all anger is truly anger at yourself, youre going to have one heck of a mindfuck day.

HerukaRising · 2017-05-25T18:46:15+00:00

For a long, long time, since our kids were very small I have struggled with this particular issue: My wife regularly goes out (exercise, seeing friends etc.) and I stay home taking care of the kids. Quite often, sometimes pretty much always, she would come back home and start complaining about some minor detail, such as there being toys on the floor or some dishes unwashed. This used to drive me mad and for good reasons, I thought: I had maybe played with the kids all evening, fed them and put them to bed, so that my wife can have some free time. But despite all this, my wife would always find something to complain about.

I felt that my anger was justified: my wife was and still is an idiot for behaving like that. But yet the pathetic Blue Pill me was never able to do anything about it. I tried reasonable discussion, venting back my anger and so on, but with no help. And here, I guess, is the real reason OP requested us to think about: I was angry because I could not protect my boundaries, if there even were any.

Now, more recently I tried more Red Pill ways of dealing with this issue, such as withdrawing my attention or going out if something like this happens. The problem is, these are still very much reactionary ways of dealing with someone's idiotic behavior. I was happy I could even think of new ways of reacting, but I was still deep in my wife's frame.

Only recently I have managed to find the proper way of dealing with it: by not reacting in any way. Not responding, not even being interested in what she says, doing my own thing and being in a good mood, not because I am amused at how stupid my wife sometimes can be, but because she has no power whatsoever on my mood. And lo and behold, it now seems she has stopped doing this thing, after all these years.

QuickieStart · 2017-05-25T18:56:53+00:00

Anger is a social construct. Usually taken from A sense of injustice, among other things.

Case in point, if you're playing a sport, and someone catches you with an elbow in the face, it's an entirely different reaction than a random person in the subway.

Theres a lot to unpack in anger, but if you're having an emotional reaction, it's either a direct threat, or something in your life you cannot articulate. I won't say weakness per se. I would say it's a divining rod to when something isn't working, or when something needs to die

RPWolf · 2017-05-25T16:46:06+00:00

OP called me out on it in my most recent post. I was internally angry at my wife for giving me a hard no. I still do not have an attitude of abundance and still look to sex as a form of validation.

resolutions316 · 2017-05-25T17:34:17+00:00

Also a huge help for me in finding my own boundaries.

I'd lived that Nice Guy Life (TM) for so long, I literally didn't know where my boundaries were. But when my wife would do something, and I'd feel a deep anger/unsettlement, I took it as a sign a boundary had been crossed.

redwall92 · 2017-05-25T18:22:12+00:00

"Man is disturbed not by things, but by the views he takes of them." - Epictetus

Here ... "disturbed" easily equates with anger.

Persaeus · 2017-05-26T11:18:37+00:00

The last time I was angry was about a month ago. The wipers on both cars needed replaced badly. I had bought wipers a few weeks before but had not changed them immediately because I was not OYS. We get home from a soccer tourney (i.e. I had just driven 2 hours while wife slept in the car); and wife who is in a chipper mood and genuinely wants to learn about changing wiper blades suggest we go change them. Truth is I didn't want to because I just wanted to chill; but I knew she would fail on her own and did not want to further procastinate and make excuses.

Now I have changed wiper blades many times on these vehicles and know what I am doing. She is helping (i.e. standing there making suggestions . . . AWALT); and I cannot get the large blade on the Sienna to go on. It's humid, the heat from the engine is rising, I am tired and sweating like a pig by now; and I can feel the anger/rage start to well up in me. Self-trigger (why am I angry):

I left my frame because I did not own my shit in the first place (double fail)
I look like a fool that cannot do a simple "man task" because I am allowing someone else to judge me (note she was being perfectly cool about the whole thing; and at this point Youtubing a long series of Haji videos on changing wipers . . . lol)

So I put my shit together and tell her I am going back to autozone to see wtf is going on. Turns out that yeah this particular Bosch unit does not come with the exact clip that works with the Sienna on the large blade only (wtf Bosch?). Swap wiper for another model and "snap".

Like Scurve said all my anger was directed at myself for failing myself.

Cobey3_16 · 2017-05-25T17:18:01+00:00

To add to this post, use your lifting sessions as a productive outlet for your anger instead of allowing it to fester or acting like a butthurt faggot the next time she turns you down for sex. Instead, use it to get that last rep on your bench press up.

The last time I was angry wasn't any specific incident, but rather is something that has been festering for years and it's in regards to a lacking sex life (shocking, I know). Diagnosis: Covert contract, validation seeking behavior and definitely ego (for some reason, I thought I was entitled to sex, despite being 100 lbs overweight, a beta faggot and dressed like a slob. And now that I'm down in weight, more fit, I've sprinkled in some alpha and dressing better, I'm somehow now entitled to it.)

Tebulus · 2017-05-25T16:57:35+00:00

Angry at your wife for not allowing you to hang out with your friend?

I still cannot believe that there are men out there who are so pussy whipped they need permission from the wife to hang out with friends.

Just... what the fuck is wrong with men these days???

wn36 · 2017-05-25T20:08:21+00:00

Angry at your wife for not allowing you to hang out with your friend?

You're just a fucking pussy for even asking. Just tell her you're going out. Period.

[deleted] · 2017-05-25T20:37:47+00:00

I mean what I said. Almost year's living expenses saved and apartment pre-selected. Lawyer on standby.

weakandsensitive · 2017-05-25T21:42:52+00:00

If anger is always a tell on our faggotry. I been a big faggot, long time. I'm screwed. Time to shake it off and try again.

man_in_the_world · 2017-05-29T00:12:28+00:00

Spot on.

I'm still angry at my wife. Its really the only anger I have left, but I just cant seem to root it out. I have other women validating me, I recognize internally that many of our marriage's shortcoming are due to me, etc. But I'm still mad she makes no effort to foster respect for, or intimacy with, me. I'm still weak.

Esgehtschief · 2017-05-30T23:25:32+00:00

Most of the profound anger I feel has been easily and consistently attributed to myself - my own behavior fails, whiny/bitchiness, and lack of sufficient frame.
Lifting weights has helped me get a lot of the anger out such that I feel more relaxed, and even happier later on. It's the one thing that has made the biggest difference in how I feel and perceive things happening around me.
I've been depressed about work, sexlessness and general failing as Captain. Taking one thing at a time. Patience.

coward99 · 2017-05-25T17:38:36+00:00

My own understanding of anger is it's a flight or fight response, aka "what are you afraid of?"

In some of your examples I feel that you could go a bit deeper in the analysis and find out the angry person is afraid of something.

man_in_the_world · 2017-05-25T20:09:36+00:00

Wife stayed out late with co-workers on a business trip didnt call me until the middle of the night. Giving her minimal contact until I get my anger under control and decide what to do. My anger comes from feeling an otherwise solid relationship may fail because I can never fully trust any woman (thank you cheating ex). I am also angry because I was unable to ngaf when it happened. I don't want to be a slave to my emotions. OP brings up a good point on how to turn anger into a valuable tool.

asguiltyashell · 2017-05-26T03:01:09+00:00

Nice observation: This is, periodically, my biggest problem. My wife makes accusatory assertions (aka shit tests) all the time. And I try and explain to her what she's doing, that she's simply trying to validate/control the relationship/me. I spend hours, literally, explaining the folly of it, hoping she will go, "Ohhhhh, your are right I see, now." As if she's a level-headed, rationale being (read: man). Invariably she doesn't and I feel the anger rise. I'll lash out, she'll respond and retreat to the bedroom, victorious...When I realise it's like trying to explain daffodils to dolphin, I actually laugh and the anger goes. I go the gym and life is good again.

redsprinklersystem · 2017-05-27T12:10:45+00:00

Very timely post for me. I totally lost frame and went off at my 7 y/o the other day, after he fucked the second pair of shoes this week (he tends to crawl around on his knees a lot while playing so goes through the toes of shoes and knees of pants at a fucking ridiculous rate). The anger got directed at him but I felt like a cunt afterward because its me who should have taught him better to take care of his shit.

On the flipside, I initiated last night and got a hard no ((half expected), and a whole shitstorm to follow it. It was blatantly obvious to her that I was using every blunt ass WISNIFG and NMMNG tool in the kit - and winding her up more because of it.

So what am I saying thats so insensitive?
Yeah, only compleste assholes like to have sex with their wife.
I think that was like a triple or quadruple negative there, could you break that down for me to understand?
I love that cute look you get when you're angry.

I was actually probing to see if there was an actual problem at the root, but it was all just bullshit blah blah blah. So I lay smiling and listening to the whole fucking schpiel thinking to myself 'Yeah, let it all out baby. You can work yourself all the way up and back down again cos I aint tied to your rollercoasfer no more and the bank is currently devoid of fucks to give.'

Guess who was a little ray of sunshine this morning, making me coffee and being all affectionate. Yeah whatever babe, I have fishing tackle that needs to be organised - see ya later.

Title	Anger: Your best diagnostic tool
Author	man_in_the_world
Upvotes	94
Comments	57
Date	May 25, 2017 4:24 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/MarriedRedPill
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/anger-your-best-diagnostic-tool.198785 https://theredarchive.com/post/198785
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/6daorr/anger_your_best_diagnostic_tool/