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Anger: Your best diagnostic tool

May 25, 2017
94 upvotes

Anger is almost always a "tell" of weakness in your frame, your thinking, in owning your shit, or in your situation. It is thus a great diagnostic tool for discovering areas needing further improvement. Any time I detect anger in myself, especially that sudden surge of fury at some comment or event, I note the circumstances for later self-analysis to identify the weaknesses in my frame, the holes in my arguments, or my discomfort with my social situation. However, the anger is usually misdirected to protect your ego, so it takes careful self-reflection and honesty to diagnose the true weakness behind the anger.

Here are some examples to get you started.

Learn to use the reliable "tell" of anger to uncover your weaknesses, to accelerate your MRP progress.

Gentlemen, tell us in the comments about the last time you were angry, and diagnose the real reason. Own Your Shit!

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[–][deleted] 49 points50 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

When you realize that all anger is truly anger at yourself, youre going to have one heck of a mindfuck day.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm pretty sure I was truly angry at the guy who wouldn't go at the green light this morning.

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

that was really your anger at not having left 30 seconds sooner so you would be in front

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

0_0 ....mind blown.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

:-)

[–]FrozenSoil2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That was the one thing I carried with me as I blindly fell back into my beta ways. The reason for failure is always me.

[–]resolutions316!!CAUTION!! Runaway bus potentially ahead0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Probably one of my all time favorite responses in here.

[–]DeplorableRay0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can confirm that.

[–]HerukaRising36 points37 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

For a long, long time, since our kids were very small I have struggled with this particular issue: My wife regularly goes out (exercise, seeing friends etc.) and I stay home taking care of the kids. Quite often, sometimes pretty much always, she would come back home and start complaining about some minor detail, such as there being toys on the floor or some dishes unwashed. This used to drive me mad and for good reasons, I thought: I had maybe played with the kids all evening, fed them and put them to bed, so that my wife can have some free time. But despite all this, my wife would always find something to complain about.

I felt that my anger was justified: my wife was and still is an idiot for behaving like that. But yet the pathetic Blue Pill me was never able to do anything about it. I tried reasonable discussion, venting back my anger and so on, but with no help. And here, I guess, is the real reason OP requested us to think about: I was angry because I could not protect my boundaries, if there even were any.

Now, more recently I tried more Red Pill ways of dealing with this issue, such as withdrawing my attention or going out if something like this happens. The problem is, these are still very much reactionary ways of dealing with someone's idiotic behavior. I was happy I could even think of new ways of reacting, but I was still deep in my wife's frame.

Only recently I have managed to find the proper way of dealing with it: by not reacting in any way. Not responding, not even being interested in what she says, doing my own thing and being in a good mood, not because I am amused at how stupid my wife sometimes can be, but because she has no power whatsoever on my mood. And lo and behold, it now seems she has stopped doing this thing, after all these years.

[–]Redpillbrigade177 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good . Remember everything she does or say is cute and is not to be taken too seriously. Unless it's some serious issue that needs to be dealt with promptly and maturely (nuked). 99% of the time the small stuff is just small stuff and your reaction to it is more important than whatever negative consequence you were attributing in your head for what she said or did.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not responding, not even being interested in what she says, doing my own thing and being in a good mood, not because I am amused at how stupid my wife sometimes can be, but because she has no power whatsoever on my mood.

this man gets it. when you operate in your own frame; things that used to annoy you simply no longer exist at any level beyond cursory awareness.

[–]weakandsensitive5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Holy shit... you figured out the magic pill. If husbands don't reward wives for their shitty behavior, wives are less likely to do it. (Or you'd get rid of the shitty wife and trade her in for a few brand new plates.)

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Anger is a social construct. Usually taken from A sense of injustice, among other things.

Case in point, if you're playing a sport, and someone catches you with an elbow in the face, it's an entirely different reaction than a random person in the subway.

Theres a lot to unpack in anger, but if you're having an emotional reaction, it's either a direct threat, or something in your life you cannot articulate. I won't say weakness per se. I would say it's a divining rod to when something isn't working, or when something needs to die

[–]QuickieStart1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"Anger is a social construct. Usually taken from A sense of injustice, among other things."

Another way I've heard it put is that anger arises from unmet expectations. I expect sex - don't get it - anger. I expect that driver to let me in - cuts me off instead - road rage.

Seems to me that expectations cannot coexist with OI frame.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Realistic ones can

[–]man_in_the_worldMRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would say it's a divining rod to when something isn't working, or when something needs to die

Nicely put!

[–]RPWolfUnplugging15 points16 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

OP called me out on it in my most recent post. I was internally angry at my wife for giving me a hard no. I still do not have an attitude of abundance and still look to sex as a form of validation.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

maybe this one will break the "wolf" mold and actually kill his ego rather than the other way around

[–]resolutions316!!CAUTION!! Runaway bus potentially ahead3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also a huge help for me in finding my own boundaries.

I'd lived that Nice Guy Life (TM) for so long, I literally didn't know where my boundaries were. But when my wife would do something, and I'd feel a deep anger/unsettlement, I took it as a sign a boundary had been crossed.

[–]redwall924 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

"Man is disturbed not by things, but by the views he takes of them." - Epictetus

Here ... "disturbed" easily equates with anger.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The last time I was angry was about a month ago. The wipers on both cars needed replaced badly. I had bought wipers a few weeks before but had not changed them immediately because I was not OYS. We get home from a soccer tourney (i.e. I had just driven 2 hours while wife slept in the car); and wife who is in a chipper mood and genuinely wants to learn about changing wiper blades suggest we go change them. Truth is I didn't want to because I just wanted to chill; but I knew she would fail on her own and did not want to further procastinate and make excuses.

Now I have changed wiper blades many times on these vehicles and know what I am doing. She is helping (i.e. standing there making suggestions . . . AWALT); and I cannot get the large blade on the Sienna to go on. It's humid, the heat from the engine is rising, I am tired and sweating like a pig by now; and I can feel the anger/rage start to well up in me. Self-trigger (why am I angry):

  • I left my frame because I did not own my shit in the first place (double fail)
  • I look like a fool that cannot do a simple "man task" because I am allowing someone else to judge me (note she was being perfectly cool about the whole thing; and at this point Youtubing a long series of Haji videos on changing wipers . . . lol)

So I put my shit together and tell her I am going back to autozone to see wtf is going on. Turns out that yeah this particular Bosch unit does not come with the exact clip that works with the Sienna on the large blade only (wtf Bosch?). Swap wiper for another model and "snap".

Like Scurve said all my anger was directed at myself for failing myself.

[–]dsrandolph0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I sympathize with the Bosch/Sienna issue. Considered setting the whole thing on fire before I figured it out.

[–]AechzenMRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

does not come with the exact clip that works with the Sienna on the large blade only (wtf Bosch?)

That's happened to me before. Sometimes you can reuse the one from the last wiper that died.

[–]Cobey3_163 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

To add to this post, use your lifting sessions as a productive outlet for your anger instead of allowing it to fester or acting like a butthurt faggot the next time she turns you down for sex. Instead, use it to get that last rep on your bench press up.

The last time I was angry wasn't any specific incident, but rather is something that has been festering for years and it's in regards to a lacking sex life (shocking, I know). Diagnosis: Covert contract, validation seeking behavior and definitely ego (for some reason, I thought I was entitled to sex, despite being 100 lbs overweight, a beta faggot and dressed like a slob. And now that I'm down in weight, more fit, I've sprinkled in some alpha and dressing better, I'm somehow now entitled to it.)

[–]lintheswithd0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

You're still not entitled to it. Entitlement breeds complacency.

[–]Cobey3_164 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Logically, yes I understand that and that was what I was getting at in that last sentence.

[–]resolutions316!!CAUTION!! Runaway bus potentially ahead2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It is amazing how getting rid of covert contracts tends to give rise to ANOTHER covert contract, that sex is now owed because you got rid of all your covert contracts...

A continual process. I imagine that Buddhist monks trying to destroy the ego have a similar experience (probably with less sexy results though)

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Angry at your wife for not allowing you to hang out with your friend?

I still cannot believe that there are men out there who are so pussy whipped they need permission from the wife to hang out with friends.

Just... what the fuck is wrong with men these days???

[–]Tebulus9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

If you think about it, it isn't really their fault and its very, very common. Most parents instill covert contracts and nice guy behavior into your subconscious at such an early age that you cant help but conform. Thats exactly how it went for me at least and the diagnostic anger was there just aching to be analyzed and not acted upon.

When I was younger and lost my virginity to my first girlfriend (who I knew in my core I was better than and who treated me like shit), I went hardcore faggot trying to hold onto her. As I now know that is a waste of time that led to her dumping me over a text message with every fucking dumb cliche breakup thing they normally say, and instead of going fuck it awalt she lost attraction and moving on like a normal adult I tried analyzing the words to find a logical solution and "win her back". Text her stupid pickup lines I found online, tried to be funny and ended up acting like a weird asshole in her presence, clumsily tried kino which she point blank ask me to stop because it was creepy af etc insert cliche bluepill examples. I could feel it, even then, not working. The fact that it wasnt working and I could sense it ruined me. I was angry all the time, constantly bitching about women, losing my shit at work, throwing things when they pissed me off clear and open signs of being an unfulfilled faggot with a weak/no frame and no balls to stand up for anything.

So logically I became an orbiter and hung out with her as a friend 3-4 times a week and would listen to her bitch about her fuckbuddies while waiting for my shot. After 3 months of this, she was having a bad day and decided to give it to me. Unfortunately nothing had changed internally and after 3 weeks she again broke up with me over text. That experience tore me up inside and filled me with a white hot rage at how she could fucking dare treat me like this after I did all this nice awesome shit for her and I blew up that girls phone for days dropping paragraphs of feels.

At that time, my first glimpse into what it is like to behave like an actual man was when I cried to my friends about my feelings and they all came over to help me (lol, sound like a chick). One of those friends who is a natural, grabbed my phone, deleted the conversation and said something to the effect of: "What the fuck is your goal here, trying to rationalize things with a woman is like grasping at smoke. Make you happy and that will make her love you or it wont you will never be together and you need to be cool with it" aka basic red pill shit. I immediately rejected his advice then took it personally and stopped being friends with that person passive aggressively because who the fuck did he think he was telling me some barbarian shit as a way to solve my logical problem and not trying to actually help me.

Turns out he was right, didn't care that I didn't want to be a friend, and then moved out of state for a bitchin job, probably laughing to himself about something he read in meditations on his way to fuck any of many hot women. I am constantly working on living in the moment and recognizing when I dwell on negative past experiences, but every once in a while this memory comes creeping back in and it does two things. 1. It reminds me of my lowest point, and motivates me to never allow myself to be in that position again. 2. Makes me wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the mangina and throw a copy of nmmng directly at my forehead.

[–]resolutions316!!CAUTION!! Runaway bus potentially ahead5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hope you reach back out to that guy someday. Friends who tell you the truth to your face are pretty rare. Might be nice to bury the hatchet.

[–]thunderbeyond3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds pretty grim. But it would be more grim if you hadn't learned from it.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

most men ask permission. i am disgusted every time i here someone say "i have to ask the boss" or "i have to get a kitchen pass".

i never ask permission; and generally only notify on a need to know basis.

i think Tebulus hits squarely on this as result of men never growing up from children. however, it is worth noting that even as a child i often didn't ask and of course was punished (sometimes but now always) for it. being anti-authoritarian has a lot of advantages.

[–]wn362 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Angry at your wife for not allowing you to hang out with your friend?

You're just a fucking pussy for even asking. Just tell her you're going out. Period.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I mean what I said. Almost year's living expenses saved and apartment pre-selected. Lawyer on standby.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Its your freedom of choice.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

If anger is always a tell on our faggotry. I been a big faggot, long time. I'm screwed. Time to shake it off and try again.

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

i've never read any single one of your posts and felt anger (in this context anger really means butthurt) coming from it -- so i'm not sure what you're on about.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Stoney called me the rage monster. I have had my bouts of anger that have, in the past moved to rage.

I must qualify though......

1.) Most of the anger I dealt with was at myself. Coming to terms with the disconnect of my current reality, compared with the Marriage 1.0 that had worked for so many years in my past, this was bitter. Tadah, the bitter jagged Red Pill of course.

2.) As to butt-hurt; there is no doubt that having lived life on my terms for so long and so successfully and so happily, I was angry. Things had changed, and, I made them worse over time by using a formula for success that no longer worked. I could make a case for justified anger, but too much was my anger was directed to the wife. Therefore, there was butt-hurt. ( Coincidental to this post, yesterday, I had flare up of my anger monster.)

3.) I have (mostly) killed the beta butt-hurt and accepted the new reality. For a guy as old as I am, this has been a high effort endeavor. I have succeeded to a point, yet I still deal with bouts of anger that waste my time and energy. I tamp them down quicker, but the fact is, during those times, I am a faggot. So be it, I just keep killing the beta.

Probably a hundred more words than needed.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My daughter gets a rage monster when I force her to sit when the plane's taking off too. The trials and tribulations of her being out of control have been something else to watch. I appreciate her willingness to fight - I hope she never loses that. But at the end of the day, I'm the parent, I'm bigger, and I'm stronger (sometimes I'm surprised at how strong she is too - her clutching things). The truth is in her current reality, there are some things she doesn't understand just yet - and she'll probably continue fighting it, but it'll always be a losing fight. When she understands the situation, she'll learn that it's not a fight worth fighting.

Edit - shit, i just realized i didn't take any time to explain why she had to sit still on the airplane.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The truth is in her current reality, there are some things she doesn't understand just yet - and she'll probably continue fighting it, but it'll always be a losing fight. When she understands the situation, she'll learn that it's not a fight worth fighting.

Thanks.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

between your post on you being a faggot and this one - i'm starting to wonder if you don't just have a self image problem cause you're stating things that i frankly just don't see.

[–]PersaeusMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

anger is always a tell on our faggotry

yes it is; killing rage was probably one of my biggest unattractive --> attractive moves

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes. You and I have many things that we work on, on similar paths, but mostly different timelines. Have to admit my self-interest as I have watched your progress over time. Point is, I read your posts and find them very helpful.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Spot on.

I'm still angry at my wife. Its really the only anger I have left, but I just cant seem to root it out. I have other women validating me, I recognize internally that many of our marriage's shortcoming are due to me, etc. But I'm still mad she makes no effort to foster respect for, or intimacy with, me. I'm still weak.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm still mad she makes no effort to foster respect for, or intimacy with, me.

Do you get angry when the weather is crappy? When children laugh and scream(outside)? When dogs bark and cats meow?

Getting angry at what you cannot control is not allowing you to have the best mental health and happiness.

You cannot control your wife. Trying to control her/others is a shortcut to poor mental health and unhappiness.

Trying to control others is a choice you make everyday. Not being happy is a result you get from it every day.

You are not weak, you are choosing unhappiness. Make difference choices.

[–]man_in_the_worldMRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Still have a covert contract somewhere in there?

[–]Esgehtschief1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Most of the profound anger I feel has been easily and consistently attributed to myself - my own behavior fails, whiny/bitchiness, and lack of sufficient frame.
Lifting weights has helped me get a lot of the anger out such that I feel more relaxed, and even happier later on. It's the one thing that has made the biggest difference in how I feel and perceive things happening around me.
I've been depressed about work, sexlessness and general failing as Captain. Taking one thing at a time. Patience.

[–]coward990 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

My own understanding of anger is it's a flight or fight response, aka "what are you afraid of?"

In some of your examples I feel that you could go a bit deeper in the analysis and find out the angry person is afraid of something.

[–]weakandsensitive4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Probably could - but I don't think anyone here gets paid enough to do anything more than call everyone else a circlejerking faggot.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Wife stayed out late with co-workers on a business trip didnt call me until the middle of the night. Giving her minimal contact until I get my anger under control and decide what to do. My anger comes from feeling an otherwise solid relationship may fail because I can never fully trust any woman (thank you cheating ex). I am also angry because I was unable to ngaf when it happened. I don't want to be a slave to my emotions. OP brings up a good point on how to turn anger into a valuable tool.

[–]man_in_the_worldMRP APPROVED[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My anger comes from feeling an otherwise solid relationship may fail because I can never fully trust any woman

Really?

Or is it because you have no recourse, no abundance, if she does?

[–]FrozenSoil1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Giving her minimal contact until I get my anger under control and decide what to do.

If he does more than this, he's completely ceding frame and it will come across as extremely butthurt and needy.

She knows he has no recourse and fears no response.

[–]weakandsensitive4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The fact that he has no recourse stems directly from a lack of boundaries.

Given the history of a cheating ex (lol - why the fuck isn't he pissed at himself for being such a faggy cunt that she'd think cheating on him is worthwhile [which is obviously was, hence - ex]), where's the hard expectation of checking in a bit more frequently as compensation for his sorry ass story. It's not really masculine per se, but it is about filtering for the qualities YOU deem important.

(Sidenote: signs of qualification are good in relationships. e.g. "I like women who are adventures." "I'm adventurous tee hee".

e.g. "i've had shit girlfriends in the past who cheated. now, the women i keep in my life work a little bit harder to keep in touch. if that's not you, no worries.")

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Damn app put my reply to main post and not comment, but no I do have recourse and abundance. Year's living expenses on standby etc etc. I am just angry that the only response I can have without ceding frame is to STFU and withdraw some attention, that or the nuclear option which is the big joke about marriage for men anyways. The situation has blown over for now, I will let you boys know if anything happens from here.

[–]asguiltyashell points points [recovered] | Copy Link

Nice observation: This is, periodically, my biggest problem. My wife makes accusatory assertions (aka shit tests) all the time. And I try and explain to her what she's doing, that she's simply trying to validate/control the relationship/me. I spend hours, literally, explaining the folly of it, hoping she will go, "Ohhhhh, your are right I see, now." As if she's a level-headed, rationale being (read: man). Invariably she doesn't and I feel the anger rise. I'll lash out, she'll respond and retreat to the bedroom, victorious...When I realise it's like trying to explain daffodils to dolphin, I actually laugh and the anger goes. I go the gym and life is good again.

[–]man_in_the_worldMRP APPROVED[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you are sufficiently bothered by your wife's accusations to make the effort to stop them, /u/strategos_autokrator explains how to do so in this post.

[–]redsprinklersystem0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very timely post for me. I totally lost frame and went off at my 7 y/o the other day, after he fucked the second pair of shoes this week (he tends to crawl around on his knees a lot while playing so goes through the toes of shoes and knees of pants at a fucking ridiculous rate). The anger got directed at him but I felt like a cunt afterward because its me who should have taught him better to take care of his shit.

On the flipside, I initiated last night and got a hard no ((half expected), and a whole shitstorm to follow it. It was blatantly obvious to her that I was using every blunt ass WISNIFG and NMMNG tool in the kit - and winding her up more because of it.

  • So what am I saying thats so insensitive?

  • Yeah, only compleste assholes like to have sex with their wife.

  • I think that was like a triple or quadruple negative there, could you break that down for me to understand?

  • I love that cute look you get when you're angry.

I was actually probing to see if there was an actual problem at the root, but it was all just bullshit blah blah blah. So I lay smiling and listening to the whole fucking schpiel thinking to myself 'Yeah, let it all out baby. You can work yourself all the way up and back down again cos I aint tied to your rollercoasfer no more and the bank is currently devoid of fucks to give.'

 

Guess who was a little ray of sunshine this morning, making me coffee and being all affectionate. Yeah whatever babe, I have fishing tackle that needs to be organised - see ya later.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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