I got home from taking my girl out last night and hopped on the MRP subreddit for a bit. I read u/The_Red_Letters report on Depressed and Anxious wives and this immediately resonated with me. However, my approach was closer to a tow rope approach. Maybe not 1000 feet, but there was quite a bit of slack. This is not meant as a rebuttal, companion piece, or even related to u/The_Red_Letters. In fact, it sounds like my approach took much longer than his and that my issue was less severe. I won't get any fake internet points for originality, but I will say that writing all of the below out is helping me from slipping back to where I was.

This is field report is written for a very specific person: a guy that was and is working on getting his shit together with an aimless stay-at-home wife, with multiple children. If this applies to you, great. Either way, I'll be looking back at this in a few months during my reviews. My aim with this field report is to get into the weeds of what I did to improve this situation, specifically in the area of stay-at-home-wives; furthermore, I'm sharing this as another potential option for someone else that might be in a similar position, and to show what it looks like in the process. Looking back, previous posts and comments from MRP certainly helped me identify the problems, but there wasn't a script to follow for this situation. Horn's post was helpful at identifying it, but I was on my own for this one.

Catalyst
Several months ago I notice that she's boring, aimless, and drinking. Not a lot, but either a glass of wine or two white claws a night. The majority of her day was aimless; the house was a disaster, and she spent most of her day playing on her phone. She was angry when I came home. On our anniversary, I forced her into a shitty comfort test (which I was too stupid to realize at the time). She told me that she didn't know where she fit in, that she thought she was depressed, she thought about separating, and that she was thinking about seeing a therapist. I think about leaving because I receive no validation from her whatsoever. I make a retarded post on AskMRP.

Before the Catalyst
Prior to this event, I was fucking up quite a bit, especially on STFU, but things were moving forward. I lifted six days a week, started making more money, had more and better sex, and was genuinely proud of myself. I had a shitload of covert contracts I was still working on, but my trajectory was moving up. I started lifting almost exactly a year ago. at the start of this, I noticed she was not happy.
In those first six months, she got happier as I got happier. Most leads were followed. And then right at the six-month mark, she got depressed and aimless.

Problem number one: I went all out. I'm naturally competitive and a little retarded, so I did what the internet told me. "Owned my shit." Fixed everything around the house, remodeled the family room, installed a new water heater, handled more family logistics, chores around the house, etc. And there was little left for her to do of value. My girl doesn't like doing housework. You know what she hates even more? Feeling useless. I racked up so many points on that scoreboard that it wasn't even funny. Invited to a family get-together? I made the best dish anyone's ever eaten at a potluck. People automatically assumed she made it and complimented her. She sheepishly had to tell them that I made it. I wouldn't even let her sprinkle the homemade bread crumbs on. I showed her.

Problem number two: I compartmentalized my successes and failures. In my head, I only associated others with my failures, not my successes. I thought I had a few options. I could work to internalize this and think about how others were actually involved in my successes, or I could entirely blame myself for everything. I chose to blame myself.

I then realized that this was a complete fucking waste of time, so I flushed it from my head, went to bed, and reset the next day to take action. I wouldn't forget how shitty I was, but I was going to focus on the present and future.

What I Wasn't Going To Do

I wasn't going to be my wife's therapist. I'm not qualified, and I didn't want to do it. I was prepared to help her find a therapist, but at the suggestion of responses to my retarded AskMRP post, I stayed away from this area. I told her that I would help her find a therapist if she liked, but that if she really wanted to do this, she'd take the lead. She did a few Google searches, but never booked any appointments.

I also wasn't going to stop my MAP. Every day since this point, I've been in the best shape of my life, and I'm more equipped than before to be proactive and to handle situations.

But what I really needed to do was stop competing. If you have half a brain cell, like I didn't, you've noticed what the center of my work was. Pussy was no longer the mission. Rather, I was on a revenge mission, pummeling someone beyond submission. I realized I was wrong and that I was focusing my energy in the wrong direction. The mental process I went through on this is probably its own field report. For now, I'll move on to the practical approach I took.

Decision Time

  1. Not only was I not giving her a chance to add value, I had fostered an environment that was overwhelming at times and boring at other times. I actually had to give a fuck, but change the direction in where my fuck went. I thought I had the answers for her, but she sure as hell wasn't listening to her loser husband at that point. I would have to walk the walk first if I had any business trying to lead someone else. That is, if I wanted to. The second issue was that I had to decide...
  2. Did I give a shit about her? I wasn't sure of the answer to this question. This was at the time of my biggest anger stage and where I was only taking some responsibility for my actions. At the time, I thought that I didn't give a shit. I blamed her for hanging on to my past self. She couldn't see how great I was. First issue, yes, she was hanging on to that, and two, I wasn't that great.

But, I accepted that this was my responsibility. And someone reading this may say, "it's not your responsibility to fix someone else," but you know what? Fuck you. I didn't have an end goal of "fixing her," but I knew that I had failed by either dragging her here, not leading her correctly, or both. Whether I liked her or not, whether I stayed or left, she would always be the mother of my kids and they deserved to have two competent parents. I was at least going to make an effort to right my wrongs, regardless of whether or not that meant that the marriage continued.
Providing Opportunities for Value: "Choreplay" With a Plan

Some time passes. Nothing changes, but I calm down. One day, I had a thought. "What if she became my assistant?" I deemed this thought extremely retarded. I didn't know why at the time, but I'm sure it had something to do with prize mentality, and I knew there was a covert contract in there. But this thought kept coming back to me. I had a few projects that I was starting yet not enough time in the day to focus on them. I would certainly complete these projects, but it was going to take some time, and I might have to hire some freelancers to help with some of the grunt tasks. I upgraded this thought to "kind of retarded," and kept it in the back of my pocket. I then decided to start with...housework.

The house was never truly clean unless I cleaned it. Some of it was that she just didn't know how to manage so much, while a lot of was just silent shit tests. At five children, I probably have more kids than most guys in this subreddit. Managing the household requires quite a bit of proactive approaches and management of logistics. I actually enjoyed doing this; partly because I could listen to some audiobooks and podcasts while doing mindless tasks, and the other part because of all of that validation that came with being a superman. Kill it at work, and kill it at home.

My first step was removing myself as the oldest child in the house. The MAP/script was helping me to accomplish this. The second step in this was to literally treat her like the kids when it came to chores and responsibility. I went overt here and told her that I didn't expect her to pick up after me and that I won't be picking up after her. The first night, I load the dishwasher. She left her shit out on the table. I didn't pick it up, it didn't get washed. I survived the dirty look and excuses. She started picking more of her shit up. There are a hundred other examples of this that I don't need to list.

Lots of improvement here, which led me to my next action. Start refocusing where my energy is used best, stop doing so much shit at home, and start leading. My leadership approach was to: A. competently complete the tasks for a few weeks, B. invite her and the kids to help me with the task, C. hand off some or all of the task to her or the kids while I focused my energy where I am best utilized and D. review/evaluate the situation. This always worked great at work; I was just too retarded to transfer it at home until this point.

Example: my wife talked for years about doing meal planning because this would make things easier. I absolutely love cooking and trying new dishes, but was often flying by the seat of my pants each day in terms of what we should do for dinner. Followed the leadership approach above, and cut my work in half. I didn't want to give up all of the cooking because I enjoyed it so much, so I went from cooking four times a week to two times a week. I said "thank you" or "I appreciate what you do" for every task she took on. A lot of eye-rolling at first, but also less aimless wandering and finger-fucking her phone every day. I then used this method or small variations of it for all of the common household tasks with success. I started to notice that things were a little better. A little more talking on her end, and I wasn't dreading walking into the house as much. This went on for a couple of months.

Praise

When I finally got to a point where my validation mattered to her, I had to understand the weight of my words. Sometimes, she cooked, and it was great. A few times, it sucked. For those few times, she was upset and asked "do you like it? I messed up a part of it and overcooked some of it." And you know what? That was an understatement. It was awful. So I told a truth. Me: "I appreciate how hard you worked on this. Thanks for taking care of this." Her: "But it's so overcooked." Me: "It's not like those recipe sites make it easy on anyone. I get the entire life story of the cow that the meat came from, and just a few directions on how to actually make it. You and I should make a recipe site that requires no backstories and no guessing. " We both know that it sucks, and we both know that each other knows, but my focus was on encouraging her to continue cooking and trying new things. It was also a little accidental team-building/us against the world on my part.

Now, cooking and cleaning only got so far. This is a girl that was told by her dad since she was younger that she "didn't need no man," but that didn't really grow up having to do many "traditional female" chores. I noticed a small amount of resentment starting to sneak up. My idea of having her as an assistant came back to me again. But I didn't want to put someone in a role that I wasn't sure if they were ready for. So, I decided to a push a little.
Introduction to a System/Increasing Opportunities for Value

I have a total hard-on for my to-do list system. It's got labels, actions, projects, and all sorts of organizational aspects that allow me to do and not think so much. It also has the ability to share with other users or teams. I've told my wife before in the past that she might like to use this system. Immediate shut down, and went back to her shitty system that didn't work. This time, I tried a different approach. One Monday morning, I emailed her. Me: "I have a few tasks that I need to get done. I'll get them done this week, but if they're done earlier, I'm not going to complain. No pressure, but I'm going to share the list with you. Let me know if you need any help deciphering any of the labels." The list included small to medium tasks. Nothing crazy that would make anyone feel bad if they failed. I never got a response to the email, but in two days, everything was cleared on the list, and I was asked to check on a few items. I heaped on the praise. Everything was done well and on time. I used the free time to run some other errands and then take her out to dinner as a thank you.

I followed this pattern for a few more months. I noticed that she started to abandon her post-its, use the system I showed her, and develop a clearer direction for what she wanted to do each day.

Things were slowly getting better. She started talking more, drinking less, and seemed calmer most of the time. Some silent shit tests were popping up. I gave her more important tasks, but failed to notice that she was skirting responsibility on some of her share of the housework. Once I noticed, I just had to speak up. Some shitty looks and a little banging of pots and pans as she put them away, but I'm sure the excitement was better than the boredom.

Transitioning to a Team

If I were to be less wordy about all of this, I could sum it up as saying that I provided a path for my wife to go from competitor to follower to teammate, and that I ended up liking her. But that's not me, so here's more.

A huge opportunity fell into my lap one day. One of my side projects directly involved in my mission gained some ground and I got called out of the blue to speak on this project. I started doing what I normally did; scheduled time, set goals, set action items to get to the goals, etc. And then I thought again, "what if she became my assistant?" So, I went home, set up some logistics so the kids wouldn't bother us. I told her about the opportunity. I then told her that I really wanted to focus on the content and delivery, and that I needed some help with the logistics. Now maybe it was the money involved, or maybe she was particularly bored that day; doesn't matter. This was the happiest I had seen this woman in months. I focused on my strengths. She booked flights, hotels, meals, schedules, and handled all correspondence with the event organizers. I just had to plan my content and pick out her clothes. The day of the event, she was nervous. I told her that I knew how hard she worked on this, and that I wouldn't have asked someone to do this that I didn't trust. I had the easiest time with my first event in this area, and she had an opportunity to add value to both of our lives.

One month later, I mentioned casually that I wanted a website. "I could help you." This woman stayed up and learned website design and some simple coding, and knocked out a website for me. I've noticed that she is now starting to have more agency and even working on some projects of her own.

I invited her into my mission. It's still my mission, and I can do it without her; she just happens to help me get there quicker.

​

Present
Last night: we're sitting at dinner, enjoying ourselves, making fun of other people together, and talking over some future plans. At one point, a family sits down near us, but then requests to get their table changed. My wife makes the joke that "they were intimidated because we were just too hot to sit by." I'm in an epic shit test; if I wanted the validation from her, this is as good as it gets. We're laughing like never before, and I'm genuinely enjoying my time. Is this an arrival point? Definitely not; rather, it's just another day.

Short Version

  • I'm not claiming to cure depression.
  • I stopped punishing my wife for my faults.
  • I chose to guide her to actions that added value to both of our lives.
  • I developed a mission that wasn't her and later included her in this mission.
  • Aimless men create aimless women.
  • Things are better.
  • It took about a year with the way that I did it, with six months of focused work.