If you’ve read my previous post about Depressive and Anxious wives, this is a continuation of that topic. If you want to get anything out of Part 2, I suggest you go back and read my first post to put this into your mind: It’s all your fault.
This post’s audience is intended for the Intermediate or Advanced MRP guy. If you haven’t been at this for 6 months or more, save it, and come back to it later. Until then, you’ll likely try to implement the concepts of frame escape on a shitty weak frame which will fail. Trust me. I did.
Your wife is looking for you to not only lead her out of her depressive and anxious states, but to do so with great truth and authenticity. After watching some men who have built a decent frame come back into MRP and ask why their wives are still nuclear shit testing them everyday (this was me at many points) despite them fucking her brains out, I was compelled to write what I think is the missing puzzle piece: Transforming your frame to be a place of escape.
- Entire sidebar? If no, go do that now. Being with a depressive, anxious or crazy wife requires fundamentals to build something that resembles a frame. You must understand the concept of fogging better than anyone. STFU is equally as important.
- Once done with the sidebar, Read TWOTSM again. I prefer the audiobook version because it has great narration with a strong masculine voice. It’s also concisely broken into chapters that make sense to listen to all at once or in parts. In my opinion, TWOTSM teaches you how to move your wife from emotion to emotion effortlessly with your masculinity. Yes, it’s kind of hippie, but you’ll be moving the energy in your relationship.
- You’ve developed some form of frame, likely operating with some DNGAF. That’s foundational to creating an escape.
- You like you wife. Yes, you probably love her. But do you like her? This is a painful road and if you don’t like her, it simply will not work and she will see right through you.
- You’re willing to take the tough road and do the hard work.
So, here we go, how to take all that negative energy and turn it around for both of you.
Step 1: Build your frame. But don’t destroy hers.
I won’t spend much time here talking about how to build your frame because it’s been extensively covered in many posts here on MRP. Whatever that frame is, fucking own it. That’s you. Don’t be afraid to be who you are anymore.
You’re probably not ready to start shifting her frame into yours because you’re still figuring out who the fuck you are. Follow all the sage MRP advice on building frame and understand that you will not and cannot change her frame. Your goal is NEVER to change her. It is to invite her into your frame where she can relax from her own. And your frame is a place of abundance, fun, and masculine power.
The last thing you want to do is destroy her frame. Later, I’ll explain how I think you can use it to your advantage.
Step 2: Learn from your wife.
She will shit test you to the ends of the earth because she desires the best in you. Your wife knows who you are and is likely more emotionally aware than you think she is. Had a bad day at work? She feels that shit, bro. Turned down for sex and you launched out of bed to go lift? She knows, bro. Take the opportunity everytime something is going sideways or you’re getting a shit test to say to yourself: What is my wife trying to teach me here? Likely, she is trying to teach you to operate in your frame, always. She WANTS you to stand in the face of her absurd emotions as the oak gently swaying in the wind saying to her, “Babe, I see what you’re doing here. It’s OK. I’m here. What’s up?” Calibrate your actions accordingly. Take notes in the beginning if necessary, but keep them hidden.
Step 3: Initially caretake by using Advanced Fogging.
If you wife is depressed, anxious and generally batshit crazy it’s likely because she is needy. She’s missing something. She looks to you to provide it to her (as she does with everything in her life). Needy women attract needy men. It’s likely that your beta behaviors have been needy which fuels this type of outburst behavior from your wife. Be aware that’s how you got here. Non-needy men do not have time for needy women because we have better shit to do. This is your long term plan.
Eventually you’ll transform her neediness into sexual emotion, intimacy and a desire to escape. Does that sound like something you want?
For now, you need to caretake a bit. This stage can last a few weeks or a few months. For me, it took about 3-4 months of caretaking from a masculine frame before the needle moved for me. You do shit for her because it makes your life easier. Pickup the extra chores. Make her some coffee in the morning when you make yours. Give her a break from cooking sometimes and do it yourself because you want to be better at it. The most important thing you can do in this stage is to take it on the chin like a boss.
She wants to talk? Listen, and STFU. She hates her life and the kids and wants to die? “That sucks babe. I imagine that makes you feel awful.” Then STFU. LEARN TO FOG. Get down in the trenches with her, but don’t be a placating emotional tampon. Maintain that you are there to listen, and nothing more. Don’t try to fix this – in fact, you don’t want to fix it. You want to harness this energy later.
Why are you caretaking? You need to let her know that you are safe. You don’t judge. You are the oak. You are a man that can take the worst of her shit tests and it doesn’t phase you. You caretake in this period to show strength.
Are you a man of strength and resolve? Do you gladly give your energy positively to her so that she can begin to move away from her shitty frame into yours? The only way to achieve your frame as being a place of escape is NO JUDGEMENT. You’ll find yourself saying shit like: “AWALT” or “She’s just being a bitch today” or “What a fucking complaining cunt all the time”. You are judging. Your goal is to get her to understand that her tests are not going to move you but rather you can use her tests and emotions to move her.
Step 4: Transition the caretaking to the bedroom.
This was a crucial step for my own personal success. A post here inspired me to rethink how I used sex to caretake – which meant that sexual contact doesn’t always equal sex.
When you awake every morning, you have a raw energy to go and conquer the world. Since the beginning of man, we woke up thinking about what to do that day – how the world was going to challenge us – and how strong we needed to remain with our energy to face the dangers and challenges of what’s out there. Often, we seek release from such constraint. It can come in the form of sports, breaking barriers, or sexual release through orgasm.
Your woman has a duality to her nature that creates dissonance. She wants to drain you of your energy in the form of orgasm because it pleases her man. But conversely, she also knows that if she can drain you she knows that the world can as well. Therefore, an orgasm that your wife draws out of you becomes somewhat of a power struggle over the long term.
Have you ever withheld ejaculation? It’s a way of taking back that power… more of my thoughts on this are here. But it’s my personal belief that learning to do this on a small scale will help transform caretaking into true OI towards your wife, which she will feel. And it will continue to feelz like caretaking in a sexual way.
At some point she will be comfort testing you and you’ll respond with the kiss on the forehead, or simple caretaking. You’ll need to move that into the bedroom at some point, usually in the form of providing her comfort lying down with you. Escalate with her and eventually she might be receptive to your sexual advances. When she’s grabbed your cock – stop. Allow her to do whatever it is that she wants to. If she wants to fuck, “Baby, not tonight. I’d like to build this up through tomorrow.” STFU. Watch. She will either agree, or try to push forward. Don’t let her make you cum.
The next day she will be thinking about it – I guarantee it. Before you were a selfish lover, perhaps focused on the act of ejaculation, but now you’re focused on pleasure and intimacy. She is focused on comfort, still. And then you’re on the road to getting pleasure, intimacy, domination and comfort all in a single nice package.
Step 5: Training your wife
Remember how your wife is coming to bed for comfort? You need to continue to keep this up as an expectation that this is the way that she will receive comfort and alleviate her stress there. I started by offering covert encouragement: “I like how you’re relaxed when you come to bed now.” Or “Something is much better when you come to bed now.” You’re encouraging the type of behavior that you enjoy. Covertly let her know that what she is doing pleases you.
I just started by cuddling her in bed with her facing me, then taking her hand and placing it on my cock. And I did not initiate. If she wanted to, she could. If not, fine. But what you can’t do is take her hand and initiate in the early stages of her training. Remember – you’re trying to create a space where she can explore comfort and intimacy at the same time without any pressure of sexual release.
What does this do? It resets the scoreboard, and allows her to enter your frame on her own accord. When it comes to sex – your wife and you have probably constructed this stupid scoreboard of covert contracts that says “One point for cleaning the kitchen, I just need 5 more until I can get laid”. That’s gone, motherfucker. Eventually she will enter your frame, look around and say, “Where is the scoreboard?” (Read that link at least 3 times).
You must rebuild the trust that any sexual advances that you make are from a place of true abundance and giving. See, you’re giving your wife yourself. She is no longer giving herself to you, you are taking her.
This is where you begin compliance testing her. Ask her to make you lunch. Ask her to grab you a glass of water on the way to bed. She will jump at the opportunity to give back to you within your frame. If she does not, she has yet to accept that she will enter your frame – likely with more destructive behaviors – until she submits to a better relationship dynamic of living within your frame.
Occasionally, be vulnerable and authentic to her about inconsequential matters. I once had a problem with my face breaking out. I simply went to her and said, “Hey babe, so…. My face is breaking out more often. It’s not bothering me just yet, but I’m sure it will. Would you mind picking me up some stuff at the store that would help? I know you’re good at that stuff.” All within that sentence I was able to convey: Vulnerability (face breaking out), checking in with my FO (do you have a good idea?), and leading (compliance testing).
With all this said, it’s a strategy. It’s ultimately a sexual strategy. But if you truly embrace the woman that she is and yes, you must like her, you’ll likely discover some things along the way that you too like and want to change.
Masculine comfort for the depressive or anxious wife is exactly the recipe that SHE needs in order to enter your frame. Moreso than most women. Calibrate accordingly but allow yourself to give what you want.