TL;DR

Had the "main event" 1 year after divorce.

Body

Everything with the ex-wife went kind of smooth, unless the time of winter holidays came.

I prepared a really cool retreat in the mountains with my kids (9, 7 and 2 yrs old) and my gf. The logistics behind it was, gf stays with the youngest kid when I take older sons for snowboarding (up to 2 hrs max).

Ex didn't like that. Gf wasn't too enthusiastic because she lacks experience with kids this age, but she was like "hell, why not". My youngest son communicates his needs very well (he will grab your hand and lead you to the fridge if he wants to eat something, for example). Me, after getting an advice from my advisor (thanks buddy, you know who you are), decided I'm okay with that. I can leave my youngest son with ex for 7 days, ski resorts aren't really too 2-yr-old-friendly. So I agreed.

This discussion had place about month ago and I decided my youngest kids stays with his mom. We settled this via e-mail so I had the records.

Then, ex started to act angry and aggressive 2 days before our departure. We had a phone call once. I saw her as a feeble, emotional woman, perhaps for the first time in my life; That phone call included me stating "you have 5 minutes to spill everything you got - I'm listening everything you say", me stating "if you want to hit the legal route, just do it, I'm okay with that, here is the zip code for my new address and as it was already mentioned twice by you - I don't see why should we discuss that any more"; basically I used all the tips from "WISNIFG" and also from MRP regulars during that phone call, thanks guys.

She used all the gaslighting she had. I heard numerous straightforward blatant lies like "your older kids didn't know you're taking your gf!", "it is your fault you won't take your youngest son for holidays". I had e-mails which stated otherwise, and also called my oldest kid to ask him, when did I tell him that we're going with my gf (his answer: "month ago, dad, when you told us where we're going"). I also proposed that I will take my youngest kid with us anyway because I can provide him with adequate, because I can. Even if I literally asked her month ago "are you sure you want your youngest son to stay with you during holidays? I don't want a situation when you will change your mind day before we leave".

At some point ex stated that I either leave my gf at home - or that she won't give me the kids and she will lie that they're sick. I was calm, because I still have keys to their apartment (I'm a co-owner), if they kids are really sick I can see that (I have medical degree). I told her I'm going to call the police when she meets the criteria. She told me they won't be home. I told her, I'm still going to call the police, so they make a report and I will take it to my lawyer later. But honestly, who would have thought - an apartment for 5 people in the mountains and only me and my gf inside - that for a moment was a really attractive option for me. Ex, you want to take the kids for a week more, just do it.

So basically, I was really outcome independent. Not because some flaired guy at TRP told me to, but because I was prepared for every option. I'm going alone or just with gf or with her and 2 kids or 3 kids or without her and with 2 kids (we would manage ourselves) or without her and with 3 kids (I had a girl who does babysitting and also wants to learn how to snowboard as a backup, I kid you not). Every single option was fitting me.

And, I realised later, I am literally giving zero fucks about the situation, the life and everything. Not because u/Archwinger wrote once it is a good idea, no. I gave many fucks and my marriage failed and I got big alimony and had to move out instead. So now I give zero fucks. I don't care. I realised how much problems was caused just by my big, big ego. I realised that I really don't matter too much (because u/stonepimpletilists wrote so). I realised, that even if I would be missing today, my kids would probably eventually come out to be all right some day. Or, they would not, and this is also acceptable and possible and okay. Whatever.

But basically I had enough of ex's behaviour. And letting her dictate who do I take for my holidays with me was definitely not a good idea.

I didn't told her anything, I didn't try to tell her how to be a grown up person. I accepted her, as she was. Feeble, hurt, emotional woman with Stockholm Syndrome and perhaps some other disorders. I saw her being really hurt. Last year as a last resort I decided that we'll go on the winter holidays together with the kids and those holidays went really fine (and I behaved really calm during those holidays because some guys at MRP wrote it was a good idea, so I did) - and she actually confirmed she was missing that time together. Me going on a winter holidays with another girl and kids marked an end of an era for her.

And me? I just had some idea to spend time with my kids that I thought it was cool, I already paid for the apartment and I wanted to go to try some longer snowboarding routes.

And I was not going to take any of my ex wife's shit any more.

Epilogue

On monday I went to collect the kids. I was calm. I enabled voice recording on my iPhone, but it went really smooth, she behaved herself so I deleted the recordings shortly thereafter. I received some hateful emails that I did not reply to (because some guys at MRP told me to STFU and because, honestly, I could not care less about her at this point - I'm like "bitch, I give you this much, I pay alimony on time, you was left with car, flat, I take care of my kids, you act like shit still, GTFO").

When we arrived, everything was way better than I expected, including weather. My kids instantly picked up the holiday vibe, picked up some sled (shit, free sled for guests, who would have thought) and went out to play. I snap a photo and send it to the ex wife as an act of grace, she replies with "so did you arrive?" but I STFU at this point. Kids FaceTime her in the evening because 7yr old got an iPod Touch as X-mas gift and the wi-fi is really great.

Gf overhears her asking them "did daddy locked himself in the bathroom with his girlfriend and leave you alone", tells me about it later, I turn it into joke ("shit, she must think I'm a some neanderthal... but whatever, maybe we should do this, this sounds like a good idea!", smile, wink, ass smack) - when writing it I realize, shit, MAYBE it was a shit-test from my gf? Whatever. I realise later ex wife behaviour is just pumping up my value. Let the butthurt flow through her, pre-selection for the win. But on the other hand, I could not care less.

Everything is splendid around here, including weather. I'm becoming suspicious.

Summary

My ex is still a trainwreck.

Lessons learned

  • divorce won't magically fix your life,
  • every failure of yours, every failure as-a-man in your relationship with your wife will be augmented in case you divorce,
  • lift and sidebar, if not for yourself, then do this for the sake of your kids. There will be problems, there will be "parental alienation syndrome", there will be life happening. You need to be strong, prepared, cool, calm and collected.
  • everything they teach here that you should do in the pre-divorce phase becomes suddenly a really solid framework after you divorce and move out. What did I had to change after I moved out? Not much. Everything was in place. The gym, the food and diet. I realised what I can and need to improve - using MAP - which was also the part of the, let's call this, pre-divorce framework.

EDIT: ex still a train wreck? Is she? Bullshit. She does whatever worked with me. Manipulation and gaslighting are not much more than words, really. If you can achieve something just by speaking with someone, why not try it?

She does know exactly whatever she needs to say to make me do this and that. Fortunately, for me, I realised where I am and how can I act to make this whole thing less "hers" and more "mine".