[FR] Last night our dogs chewed up one of the kids' toys that had been left out. In the past, I would have raged at them, but I've accepted that dogs will be dogs and that I should be in better control of them. But my wife took a turn at the rage last night, screaming and shouting at them (demonic sounding at some points), locking them in their crates. Nope that's not good enough: kicking them outside in the cold. (Background on my wife: she prides herself on taking care of her stuff, and the dogs chewing the toy was unacceptable. On top of that, it was a borrowed toy, not even ours, so I understand her being upset.) All fine, until this pretty little exchange (W=her, M=me):
W, cooking:(snapping) Please take your daughter.
(baby girl is almost 1 year old, walking, and loves to be underfoot while W cooks.
I silently takes the daughter to the playroom, son (almost 3 years old) is already there playing
W: (couple minutes later, accusatory) Where did you go?
M: (calmly) I took the kids out to give you time to cool down from the dogs.
W: blah blah blah, I didn't need space, don't take the kids from me
M: I'm not going to argue in front of the kids, we can discuss this later.
W: more blah
M: broken record I'm not going to argue in front of the kids, we can discuss this later.
W storms off.
I continue playing with the kids, trying to ignore the pit in my stomach because, heaven forbid, my wife is mad. But I'd say I'm doing a pretty good job faking it til I make it, so I carry on.
Dinner is ready, but before she serves it, W calls me into the kitchen: "Can we talk please." Like that, with a period. The words are a question, but the inflection is a demand. I go to the kitchen, away from the kids. Not sure I should have caved to that demand.
W: Why did you just leave like that? I felt so disconnected from the rest of the family, like I didn't even MATTER. tears begin here I just feel so invisible when you walk away like that, taking the kids with you.
(In the past, when I've raged, she's done the same thing, "protecting" the kids from my anger.)
M: Son was already playing, and I took daughter because you asked me to. I was giving you space because you were angry, and honestly, I don't want to be around that.
W: I've told you before, when I'm sad, I don't need space. I need you to comfort me. When you've been upset and asked for space, I've respected that. Now that I'm upset, I'm asking for you to validate my feelings, and I'm not getting the same respect of my wishes.
M: First of all, you weren't sad, you were mad. Second, honestly, it doesn't even cross my mind to comfort you when you're bristling. I've told you that before. I'm not responsible for your feelings. If you want comfort, be sad. Don't yell and be angry. No one wants to be close to that.
W: I just feel so unloved that you're not fulfilling my needs and validating my feelings. A simple "I'm sorry the dogs are upsetting you" would go a long way. But instead you leave me?! Who does that to their wife?! more tears
M: broken record about bristling
awkward pause, I'm not going to comfort her because she really doesn't deserve it at this point, even though that's the next step in her mind
W: weakly holds arms out, asking to be held
M: I oblige and hold her tight, laying on the beta
In retrospect, I started to doubt myself when she said she had asked for comfort before. I proverbially smacked my forehead and said duh to myself, but really, bristling brings to mind no thoughts of comfort. WHY DOES SHE ASK FOR COMFORT WHEN SHE'S MAD?! I should have been her oak all along, but seriously, when she rages, I just want to leave. Is that not right? Is she valid in her request? I technically held frame, but it wasn't the strongest, and I'm sure she felt the moment when I started doubting myself. What I believe I'm missing is the belief that she will rage around me, but I should stick to my guns and not give in. My thought of "what if she's right" came way too soon to be anything more than my own hamster.
Feedback very welcome. More details upon request.
EDIT: Is there a happy ending? I wouldn't call it the best... I had been gaming her all day, pretty sure I made her wet right when I came home with some kissing and handling, with more promised later that night. We were both raring to go (hadn't done anything for 2 weeks due to shark week and then she got sick). But then this FR happened. Sex was pretty routine, she wasn't into it, I tried to apply DEVI, but I admit, I sucked. On top of that, I've had this random weird PE problem lately, which I really need to look into because its screwing with our sex.