This post is sort of a fusion of important RP ideas (training wheels; per /u/88Will88). It's also an FR about just one way to put WISNIFG into practice in your marriage. I recently reread it and some things became clearer in how it applies to a marriage for a Redpill man.
Your time is a gift, value it as such. /u/ReddJive had a good post on this concept recently.
Don't be afraid of upsetting her, especially if you're laying out a boundary that preserves your precious resource of time.
Remind her you are the prize by being unapologetic for your decisions. You don't "owe" her anything.
This was also sort of inspired by a recent blog post of Stoney's I read. It details a nice Saturday where his girl tries to derail and grab the frame with her emotions and an undeclared expectation he didn't agree to. Stoney sets a boundary, lets the waves crash around him and all is well after it's done. You really should link your posts here, man. It's great stuff. Anyway, I digress.
We live about four hours from the in-laws. They live in a small, country town on a lake. FIL owns boats so it's a fun time when we go. Every summer we usually go there anywhere between 2-4 weekends and once during the holidays or for the random wedding. Over the past year for whatever reason, I've noticed she becomes sort of cold, moody and sometimes downright cunty to me when we are there. Not sure why, but it's been noticeably consistent to me the last handful of times we've gone there. Could be that her family stresses her. Could be that I'm enjoying myself too much (fucked up isn't it?), or she thinks I'm imposing on time with her family or whatever fucking reason females justify being bitchy about. I honestly have no idea. The reason doesn't really matter. Her sexual availability also goes down when we are there, which is not the main issue here but a compounding factor.
When we talk about men control commitment and women control sex, remember that your commitment is most easily measured by your time.
Realize your time is valuable and your best asset:
Sometime during our last visit in May I decided that this isn't how I wish to spend MY free weekends at her folk's house. I don't mind her family and can easily have a good time while ignoring the cold, bitchy behavior ... but why should I when many of these weekends are purely recreational/optional. I usually have to burn a vacation day at work (which I don't always have a lot of) to do this and I lose my weekend at home to hobby or accomplish other things so while it's not a huge sacrifice, there is some flesh given up on my part for what is ostensibly a non-essential commitment of my time.
So what is a man to do? Years ago I would have just taken it and my resentment for her would have built. I don't like resenting my wife. Initially, I thought about overtly telling her I was tired of the "out of the blue" disrespect. That would have created a shitstorm and put me in her frame. Not the way to go. Or, I could just go for the weekend and reflect her poor behavior back? Nah, also puts me in her frame and is childish/womanly.
Reward those who value your time, remove it from those who don't:
Here's what I did do; this past weekend was the third time in a row this summer I haven't gone with to her parent's house for the weekend. Two of the weekends I had other obligations and told her I just couldn't make it and wasn't going to change my plans... but I would have if I wanted. This past weekend though? ... I just didn't go. No reason. Just told her I'm not going. She was going for a high school reunion, and I took the kids camping.
About a week ago I get a text from Mrs J while at work; "Well my sister is disappointed that you aren't coming at all this summer and to be honest, so am I. I'm going 5 weekends and you're going zero.
Mrs. J; "I just wish you would try harder. For one." I ALMOST fell for this one by replying with my grievance. I held my tongue, or fingers.
Then another; "Not even half." - I don't even know what this last one meant. Ha! My response... "we can talk about it later." No DEERing, no arguing, no over-texting.
Don't fear her anger:
I sure as shit wasn't going to bring it up at home that night and surprisingly, she didn't either but if she had, I was ready to talk about it because I'm a good husband. Fast-forward a few weeks (last week) and the wife and I are taking a walk and the topic comes up again when she made a veiled, passive comment about my lack of attendance. This was the night before she was going to leave for the second trip to her parents that I wasn't going on. This time my parents were coming in town and I don't see them often so I had already told her I was staying home to hang out with them and my brothers. In a calm and frank tone I took this opportunity to clatify the matter by saying, "I enjoy visiting your folks but if I'm being honest, your attitude has sucked the past year when we go there, and if you want me to go on these extra jaunts you should start acting (my tonal emphasis) like someone who wants me to be there." Plain and simple.
She was mad. "Wow! ok!?!?", she said.
Her mouth hung open in an expression of disbelief and indignation. A verbal shitstorm of angry words and guilt manipulation ensued all the way home. I broken recorded and fogged; "I understand that upsets you but it's what I think and is part of the reason I'm not giving up my weekends and vacation time to go with you every trip. Make it worth my while by not being unpleasant." Period... your position should end here and you are ready to fog and broken record. More angry manipulation attempts followed only to be met with more fog and repeating of my stance on the matter.
The rest of the night she stomped around the house and slammed drawers and other such womanly behavior that expresses a failure to get her own way. She furiously texted her best girlfriend (BGF) to tell her what a dick I was. I can only imagine the hamstering and half truth that diatribe was. She knew that I knew that she was texting this and at one point with a smirk I said, "what does BGF have to say about your asshole husband? Probably none of her business, right?..." This was an explicit stating by me of an action of hers I didn't appreciate (airing dirty laundry with friend). She just sneered at me.
After the kids were in bed I grabbed my phone and earbuds to go for a walk (yep, another walk) and listen to some podcasts. As I'm doing this she says from the other room, "ok, I think I've cooled off enough. I was planning on 'doing stuff' tonight so let's go upstairs. Where are you going?" Her tone said, "I'm mad but will still fuck you, but consider yourself lucky." "Doing stuff" is one of her code phrases for fucking. I simply said, "I'm going for a walk." In a confused tone she said, "Ok???" I needed to get out before I accidentally engaged in her emotional storm and I considered it a short term removal of time and attention to reinforce that I wasn't messing around with my previous declaration, nor was I going to drop everything for what she considered "me getting lucky" sex.
Came back in a good mood, acted like nothing was wrong, we "did stuff" in three different positions and went to bed. She took the kids to her parent's the next morning and I had a fun weekend by myself.
Note that what I did not do is "quit and take the football home." I did not stop owning my shit around the house as retribution. I did not "cancel Christmas." I did not treat her with malice or butthurt. I did not give her a "repercussions/or else" ultimatum (the "repercussions" were already in play.) I simply made it clear, by action, that I will no longer sacrifice my precious free time for what amounts to a non-mandatory family outing if she won't value my time and presence by simply being pleasant. Would you let anyone else disrespect your time like that? No, your time is a gift. Then don't extend your wife that extra and unwarranted free pass to your commitments if she doesn't deem it important enough to give you her pleasant and feminine company. She doesn't owe you shit and you don't owe her shit. If you gave someone a present and they were rude, mocking or unappreciative you wouldn't bother to give them anything else. Your time is no different.
She hasn't brought it up again. I am planning on going with her and the kids for a weekend in August. Besides, the FIL got a new wave runner and those things are fucking fun.
Value your time and realize you don't owe her shit. your time is a gift. As ReddJive mentioned, it's not infinite, and the older I get, the more valuable to me my time gets. Don't DEER, don't get emotional. Stick to the boundary you enforce for your own time. LET HER BE ANGRY.