Fellas,
This wall of text is the amalgamation of my situation and how I put myself here. I’m nowhere near out of my dead bedroom but I’m making progress and have learned a lot.
TL/DR: Went from awesome to bitch-mode in record time. From college grad bachelor to Dad. I made my girl grab the helm but I’ve taken it back, yet my sense of awesomeness no longer exists the way it used to. Need advice to get that back within my new life.
I took the advice from an elder on the sub and stopped talking about this with people close to me - they simply can't or don't see the reality of it; as in they'll say 'it's not your fault.' So I typed it, I do appreciate the outlet - I have no one else to point out my flawed blue-pill logic. If nothing else, typing all of this shit provides self-reflection where I can poke holes in my bullshit perception. Wanted to give you a background of myself and situation - any insight would be greatly appreciated
I grew up on the football and lacrosse field. All-state linebacker and an All- American in lacrosse. Was lucky enough to score a full ride (pretty rare in lax) to a top 20 D-1 school. Was in good shape, didn't worry about getting laid - consequently got laid plenty. GF at the time was a cheerleader at a big ass school - relationship failed because I was a BP pussy - sex was 50% starfish and infrequent so I just cheated on her as much as possible. With her I was a pussy but to everyone else I was charismatic, confident, and fun to be around. Graduated school, got a job in the DoD world and partied while my GF was in law school.
At that time, I had my own place with a buddy. Buddy(ies) and I spent 5-6 days a week on my boat wakeboarding and generally just having a good time - I was still dating Cheerleader chick but I was pumped because she doing some law school shit overseas that summer. It was an awesome summer. Partied a lot with a bunch of my testosterone filled friends and we ran through girls. I met the mother of my child during this time – I’ll refer to here as BM. We were just friends at first who went to the same bars. She knew I had a GF and always gave me shit for fucking other girls. I would joke and say things like “Don’t worry, you’ll get your shot.” It only took a few honest and sober attempts to make a real move on her to seal the deal. It was on; we were fucking during lunch breaks, after work, on the pier, on the boat etc. In hindsight, I regret starting my relationship with BM that way - but that was clearly part of her attraction to me, pre-selection? My relationship with cheerleader was childish and always long distance. I ended things when she came home during the July 4th weekend. Had sex with BM and her in the same day and realized I like being around BM a hell of a lot more than cheerleader. In actuality I didn't like who I was with cheerleader (a pussy) and it wasn't her fault; I could've been happy with cheerleader. The rest of that summer I hung tough with BM. BM was ALWAYS on board to do whatever I was doing - she just wanted to be around me. When I think about it, I didn’t even have a frame. I was just happy and overtly confident. Most importantly, I had outcome independence.
We had an awesome 3 months together but I definitely developed oneitis – blinded by the awesome sex 7 days a week thing. Not to mention she was kind and caring. She’d bring cookies over my place for my slew of friends on the couch, did my laundry, and would buy me shit. Then at the beginning of month 4 she tells me she's pregnant and would understand if I didn’t want to help raise the baby. Obviously I wasn't going to bail on this awesome girl and my unborn child so I stopped partying, bought an Xbox, and became recluse with her. Went from a stout 190 lb. athlete to a 240 lb. slob. I pretty much stopped doing all of the things that made me, well me. I couldn’t possibly go hang out with friends while my now anxiety filled new girlfriend sits around being all pregnant right?!?! Wrong.
Aside from work, we spent every waking hour together. We still enjoyed our time together and had plenty of pregnant sex, but now I see this time as me taking the fast track to forgetting who the fuck I am.
I bought a house, the baby came, I was crazy about her, and did everything I was told a new / young parent should do. 5 weeks into parenthood BM was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis / postpartum depression and I wanted to help her through this. Over the course of the next 8 months I put myself through the ringer by giving my all to the diapers, bottles, laundry, dishes, etc. "ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU WANT? CAN'T WE HAVE SEX NOW?" I can't believe I thought this was how shit worked but just that short time ago, I was very angry about it. I was a fat shell of my former self and was looking to blame BM for her lack of interest in me. I broke shit, cried, negotiated, and I thought I deserved better (I didn’t/don’t). The only reason I can think she even stayed with me is because I was an active and involved father.
Then I discovered the MRP. I was excited but discouraged. There was no fucking way in my BP pussy mind would I be with a girl who required this much work. But then I realized it wasn’t her who needed the work. I need the work. The work isn’t about her; it’s about me achieving greatness and living up to my potential. And me walking out on my kid because my behavior led to a dead bedroom was seriously lacking integrity. After 8 months of zero sex the MRP was my saving grace. It is sanctuary where I’m reminded pussy never has and never will define me. I need to raise my daughter and improve myself. So I’ve read most of the sidebar books and really feel like I’ve made a serious positive change for my family. Far from where I want to be but leaps and bounds further than we were 8 months ago - pre MRP. I lost the weight pretty quickly. From 240 Down to 196 as of today. Been lifting heavy, 5x5 – 5 days a week. Roughly 20% BF
I’ve been passing shit tests for about 3 months now. She’s giving them less and less, as I typically attempt to AM my way through. We get a long pretty damn good. She follows my lead again and always asks my opinion – even on what I think our now toddler should eat (I was humbled – she just wants me to lead). I’ve taken over the bills, I’ve begun planning things for us to do, and I’ve taken on some things to get me out of the house. I’ve upped my wardrobe and honestly I feel like I look better than I did when I first met her. Attention from girls comes, I’ll flirt in front of her when we go out. We always bump into chicks I’ve fucked. In those situations, she clings to me and will passionately kiss me to claim her territory or some shit but when we get home – crickets.
This is where I need help. I posted about a week ago on a pretty bad day for my household – because of me. I was the weakest I had been since I had truly unplugged 6 or so months ago. BM was diagnosed with lupus and/or R.A. She kept asking if I was “sure I wanted to be with someone who was getting old so fast?” So I fucked up and said “No, I’m not really sure. This relationship is pretty ‘old’ already.” I was way in the wrong, failed a comfort test, and didn’t even know it. She called me a piece of shit and I went and typed that post. I’m glad I showed my ass on the sub because the comments set me back on course – instantly. I’ll fuck up again but what the hell I’m getting better every day.
In summary: we met, we had fun, had a baby, I got fat and lazy, Haven't been fat or lazy for a while, look good and feel good, kid is now 16 months old but still no sex. One handjob in my 25th year of life :)
Questions for you guys:
Am I still fucking up too much? Is it my frame? Not enough Dread?
Am I working for something that was such a whirlwind that it was never actually sustainable?
Or am I being completely insensitive to her medical issues? I know some people will lay into me about the medical issues and rightfully so but I’m beginning to think my MAP won’t change this dead bedroom & that’s okay.
As I type these questions, I’m thinking to myself I’m just not attractive yet. Like the girl will hardly even make out with me. Thanks for reading
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