One Year Progress: Why I'm Smiling more
I originally posted this as an OYS update. Some members suggested I put into an FR for the main sub. Hopefully, some of the greener men here can find something useful from my list of "concrete actions" below. The below exchange took place last week, exactly one year to the DAY that I discovered Red Pill. Wife and kids and I were hanging out at home and she decided to take a picture of me with our two little ones.
Ms. J after looking at picture on her phone: “Wow, daddy is showing a lot more teeth in pictures these days. (then cheekily says) Are you having an affair?”
Me: I look at her sideways with wry smile as if to leave that mystery on the table and say “What can I say, that’s just how I am.”
Her comment is a reflection of my continued drive to be better, a happier man and follow my own mission.
Mission Statement: Become a man who does not not need her affection or validation and live my life for me. Do what makes me happy, and live as if I am a single, prosperous and masculine man. Be a man she wants to put effort into. (last part attributable to u/weakandsensitive).
Last week I hit my one year MRP anniversary so I thought this OYS post covering my first year was in order and I want to list all the concrete actions I took to begin the process of regaining my own course in life. This will be "no shit" elementary for some but maybe it will help some of the newer guys. I say “Begin” because I’ve come to accept that I’m on the “long game” plan as my changes have been slow and my wife’s response to them even slower. As a result I don’t usually do weekly OYS posts so I want to do this one with the scope of the entire last year. This is a reminder to me that this is a long process of constant betterment and re-embracing of my masculinity and personal drive. The below changes are what I’ve done and found success with.
Improved wardrobe. Buying new clothes a bit at a time and had some things tailored which makes a huge difference.
Stepped up my fitness regime (SL 5x5). I’ve been doing SL5x5 for a year now and it’s showing in the visible gains and comments from wife (to include the obligatory, "you're not trying to be like those musclely guys are you? I don't like that." If you hear something like this from her….keep your foot on the gas, you’re doing it right.) Based on the Navy body fat calculator I’m somewhere between 12 and 14% body fat. I’m 5’11” and my weight has mostly stayed the same 170-175 but I’ve lost a lot of fat and gained a lot of muscle definition. My newbie gains in the gym are over but I must be making continued progress as my lifts continue to slowly go up.
Going to get invisalign for a few slightly out of position teeth and whitened my teeth.
Got a better haircut that suits my thinning hair. I won’t try to hide this, just buzz it shorter and shorter. This is another reason I must stay in good shape. Fat and bald is not good but shredded and bald, we can work with.
I have noticed that NGAF and OI have slowly started seeping into my being and these behaviors are also outward displays of attractiveness.
Stopped asking permission (So fucking beta) to do things for me (going out with friends, getting new clothes, saying what I want to eat for dinner, etc). When I want to do something or I want to buy something I just do it and TELL her I’m doing it.
Identify and beat shit tests with AM and AA. I still slip up occasionally on shit tests but recognizing them more than 50% of the time and reacting accordingly
I stopped saying "I love you" as much. Strategic use directly tied to her sexual performance and overall value adding attitude. Reading Rollo really made this part easy.
Teasing (I think this actually had a lot to do with changing our everyday attitudes towards each other). You'll know you're doing this and NGAF right when you get slapped on the arm, get called "asshole" or "dick" but she's not actually really mad at you. It’s more playful. The “Large Mouth Bass Face” LMBF is also a good indicator you are doing this right.
Grew a beard again. This is in FRAME and not ATTRACTIVENESS because the wife says (verba) she doesn’t like it. Also offsets the lack of hair I'm starting to see up top.
Took over finances around month 4. Developed long term financial goals and told her about them. She was extremely relieved when I told her I would take over the handling of finances. This was an easy gain in my relationship. MMV for others. My overt goal of saving us more money even spurred her on to do things like shopping for groceries at Aldi which saves us $$$.
"Chart the direction." By this I mean get ahead of the "decision curve" that, if your LTR is like mine, she always had control of. She is a big planner and can’t just “wing it” so she usually had the weekends planned out before I could even think about it. Some guys’ wives may not be like this so charting direction will be easier for you. Decide when and where you're going for dinner on weekends, throw out vacation ideas, plan that vacation, plan a hike, propose ideas for home improvements, take the kids to the park. Set the course, don't be reactive. (Sun Tzu)
Lead the family - I now try to lead in decisions big and small. I’ve also noticed my wife coming to me for “permission” for a lot of things, mostly financial. I took on the role of coaching my daughters soccer team. This is a good way to lead the family, lead your community and I think it created a little bit of dread at the same time.
Made sure I took care of shit around house - small things needing to be fixed, yard work, yard improvement projects. If it’s something I can’t do, I call a repairman to do it.
Planned more outings with just wife and I. A couple times when she was being shitty, I canceled date nights.
Admit, embrace and be unapologetic that I am a man with a healthy desire to fuck. This idea, framed in the tenants of NMMNG and WISNIFG, should be at the core of this OYS area.
Initiated 3-4 times a week. I used to sit back in bed and wait for her to initiate and would get more angry when she didn't. Now I just do it. She rarely makes the first move but is responsive to my advances a little more than half the time. For example, sometimes I like her on top and she knows this but the old BP me would be passive about it and it became a chore and she would whine about it sometimes. This faggoty behavior created no tingles. Now I always get on top first and control everything from there unless she asks for something. Now, if I want her on top, I tell her. Honestly, I think this one change made the biggest improvement in our sex life. But those were the easy gains...just being the proactive one in bed. Evolutionary biology says that female libidos/desire tend to be reactive, not proactive. Understand, accept and capitalize on this. Don’t sit around waiting for her to initiate because it just may not be in her nature. I wish I would have figured this out years ago. I see many guys on here talking about their woman getting sexually aggressive and doing a lot of the initiating. Good for them, but don’t expect it in your situation. Women are on a spectrum in this respect. Don't ask but tell her you want to Fuck.
Throw in some DEVI in your approaches and initiations. I’m still working on this and have a long way to go but experimenting with ramping up SGM tactics.
Stopped being butthurt when I got a hard no. (This was hardest when it had been 3 days or more with no action) I still find it hard not be angry but I’m getting better and projecting a positive DGAF attitude when it happens.
Left house a few times upon repeated "hard no's." One time I did it while we were on vacation at a beach resort. Dread is literally all around you at a place like that. I only had to do this a couple of times in the first few months. But it’s good to do occasionally to remind them you are the prize.
Have a contingency plan for if/when she gives the hard no. Have a hobby that’s easy to jump back into. This helps when you don't really have OI internalized.
AM/AA through LMR. If I get three “No’s” I usually drop it because if she agrees after that it’s usually starfish.
Stopped talking about and/or arguing about sex/lack of sex. (goes with not being butthurt). This one kept wanting to resurface and still occasionally pokes it’s faggoty head out a bit but I’m working to squash it completely. However, after re-reading a lot of posts here and having discussions with u/Persaeus and others about this dynamic, I now see the value in occasionally stating your expectations in a concise, unapologetic and uncompromising way when the timing is right and her solipsistic head is too thick to get that I won’t accept a “roommates with kids” relationship.
PART TWO to follow below:
EDIT: Formatting issue