~ archived since 2018 ~

FR - One Year Progress.

December 22, 2016
54 upvotes

One Year Progress: Why I'm Smiling more

I originally posted this as an OYS update. Some members suggested I put into an FR for the main sub. Hopefully, some of the greener men here can find something useful from my list of "concrete actions" below. The below exchange took place last week, exactly one year to the DAY that I discovered Red Pill. Wife and kids and I were hanging out at home and she decided to take a picture of me with our two little ones.

Ms. J after looking at picture on her phone: “Wow, daddy is showing a lot more teeth in pictures these days. (then cheekily says) Are you having an affair?”

Me: I look at her sideways with wry smile as if to leave that mystery on the table and say “What can I say, that’s just how I am.”

Her comment is a reflection of my continued drive to be better, a happier man and follow my own mission.

Mission Statement: Become a man who does not not need her affection or validation and live my life for me. Do what makes me happy, and live as if I am a single, prosperous and masculine man. Be a man she wants to put effort into. (last part attributable to u/weakandsensitive).

Last week I hit my one year MRP anniversary so I thought this OYS post covering my first year was in order and I want to list all the concrete actions I took to begin the process of regaining my own course in life. This will be "no shit" elementary for some but maybe it will help some of the newer guys. I say “Begin” because I’ve come to accept that I’m on the “long game” plan as my changes have been slow and my wife’s response to them even slower. As a result I don’t usually do weekly OYS posts so I want to do this one with the scope of the entire last year. This is a reminder to me that this is a long process of constant betterment and re-embracing of my masculinity and personal drive. The below changes are what I’ve done and found success with.

BE ATTRACTIVE

Improved wardrobe. Buying new clothes a bit at a time and had some things tailored which makes a huge difference.

Stepped up my fitness regime (SL 5x5). I’ve been doing SL5x5 for a year now and it’s showing in the visible gains and comments from wife (to include the obligatory, "you're not trying to be like those musclely guys are you? I don't like that." If you hear something like this from her….keep your foot on the gas, you’re doing it right.) Based on the Navy body fat calculator I’m somewhere between 12 and 14% body fat. I’m 5’11” and my weight has mostly stayed the same 170-175 but I’ve lost a lot of fat and gained a lot of muscle definition. My newbie gains in the gym are over but I must be making continued progress as my lifts continue to slowly go up.

Going to get invisalign for a few slightly out of position teeth and whitened my teeth.

Got a better haircut that suits my thinning hair. I won’t try to hide this, just buzz it shorter and shorter. This is another reason I must stay in good shape. Fat and bald is not good but shredded and bald, we can work with.

I have noticed that NGAF and OI have slowly started seeping into my being and these behaviors are also outward displays of attractiveness.

FRAME

Stopped asking permission (So fucking beta) to do things for me (going out with friends, getting new clothes, saying what I want to eat for dinner, etc). When I want to do something or I want to buy something I just do it and TELL her I’m doing it.

Identify and beat shit tests with AM and AA. I still slip up occasionally on shit tests but recognizing them more than 50% of the time and reacting accordingly

I stopped saying "I love you" as much. Strategic use directly tied to her sexual performance and overall value adding attitude. Reading Rollo really made this part easy.

Teasing (I think this actually had a lot to do with changing our everyday attitudes towards each other). You'll know you're doing this and NGAF right when you get slapped on the arm, get called "asshole" or "dick" but she's not actually really mad at you. It’s more playful. The “Large Mouth Bass Face” LMBF is also a good indicator you are doing this right.

Grew a beard again. This is in FRAME and not ATTRACTIVENESS because the wife says (verba) she doesn’t like it. Also offsets the lack of hair I'm starting to see up top.

LEAD

Took over finances around month 4. Developed long term financial goals and told her about them. She was extremely relieved when I told her I would take over the handling of finances. This was an easy gain in my relationship. MMV for others. My overt goal of saving us more money even spurred her on to do things like shopping for groceries at Aldi which saves us $$$.

"Chart the direction." By this I mean get ahead of the "decision curve" that, if your LTR is like mine, she always had control of. She is a big planner and can’t just “wing it” so she usually had the weekends planned out before I could even think about it. Some guys’ wives may not be like this so charting direction will be easier for you. Decide when and where you're going for dinner on weekends, throw out vacation ideas, plan that vacation, plan a hike, propose ideas for home improvements, take the kids to the park. Set the course, don't be reactive. (Sun Tzu)

Lead the family - I now try to lead in decisions big and small. I’ve also noticed my wife coming to me for “permission” for a lot of things, mostly financial. I took on the role of coaching my daughters soccer team. This is a good way to lead the family, lead your community and I think it created a little bit of dread at the same time.

Made sure I took care of shit around house - small things needing to be fixed, yard work, yard improvement projects. If it’s something I can’t do, I call a repairman to do it.

Planned more outings with just wife and I. A couple times when she was being shitty, I canceled date nights.

SEX

Admit, embrace and be unapologetic that I am a man with a healthy desire to fuck. This idea, framed in the tenants of NMMNG and WISNIFG, should be at the core of this OYS area.

Initiated 3-4 times a week. I used to sit back in bed and wait for her to initiate and would get more angry when she didn't. Now I just do it. She rarely makes the first move but is responsive to my advances a little more than half the time. For example, sometimes I like her on top and she knows this but the old BP me would be passive about it and it became a chore and she would whine about it sometimes. This faggoty behavior created no tingles. Now I always get on top first and control everything from there unless she asks for something. Now, if I want her on top, I tell her. Honestly, I think this one change made the biggest improvement in our sex life. But those were the easy gains...just being the proactive one in bed. Evolutionary biology says that female libidos/desire tend to be reactive, not proactive. Understand, accept and capitalize on this. Don’t sit around waiting for her to initiate because it just may not be in her nature. I wish I would have figured this out years ago. I see many guys on here talking about their woman getting sexually aggressive and doing a lot of the initiating. Good for them, but don’t expect it in your situation. Women are on a spectrum in this respect. Don't ask but tell her you want to Fuck.

Throw in some DEVI in your approaches and initiations. I’m still working on this and have a long way to go but experimenting with ramping up SGM tactics.

Stopped being butthurt when I got a hard no. (This was hardest when it had been 3 days or more with no action) I still find it hard not be angry but I’m getting better and projecting a positive DGAF attitude when it happens.

Left house a few times upon repeated "hard no's." One time I did it while we were on vacation at a beach resort. Dread is literally all around you at a place like that. I only had to do this a couple of times in the first few months. But it’s good to do occasionally to remind them you are the prize.

Have a contingency plan for if/when she gives the hard no. Have a hobby that’s easy to jump back into. This helps when you don't really have OI internalized.

AM/AA through LMR. If I get three “No’s” I usually drop it because if she agrees after that it’s usually starfish.

Stopped talking about and/or arguing about sex/lack of sex. (goes with not being butthurt). This one kept wanting to resurface and still occasionally pokes it’s faggoty head out a bit but I’m working to squash it completely. However, after re-reading a lot of posts here and having discussions with u/Persaeus and others about this dynamic, I now see the value in occasionally stating your expectations in a concise, unapologetic and uncompromising way when the timing is right and her solipsistic head is too thick to get that I won’t accept a “roommates with kids” relationship.

PART TWO to follow below:

EDIT: Formatting issue

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/MarriedRedPill.

/r/MarriedRedPill archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

Post Information
Title FR - One Year Progress.
Author JDRoedell
Upvotes 54
Comments 32
Date December 22, 2016 8:42 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MarriedRedPill
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/fr-one-year-progress.199239
https://theredarchive.com/post/199239
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/5jswxz/fr_one_year_progress/
Comments

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 11 points12 points  (20 children) | Copy Link

Part Two: This is how I've perceived her reaction to my changes over the past year.

Within about 4 months I noticed small changes in her behavior. The three most important and positive were: 1) Far less LMR and Hard NO’s, 2) Less overall fighting and arguing, and 3) She began deferring to me for decisions more.

Within 6 months I noticed she started initiating sex occasionally, still not a lot and it wasn’t overly “desirous” but she did. She also started initiating kino/being sweet more often. She was a little more submissive to me in big and small decisions. I even noticed a few “shitty comfort tests” like her demanding I say; “Tell me you couldn’t do better than me!” - to which I literally laughed. A few times she accused me (I think mostly in jest) of having an affair. Why are you always dressed up now? Are you eating healthy and working out for someone else? That’s the first sign of an affair, blah blah blah…. She even accused me of being attracted to her best friend, which I am and I admitted to and several times have said, “Is she interested in a threesome?”

At 10 months I realized my progress had stagnated a little bit and my congruence was shitty and I basically did a “MAP Deload” as u/ex_addict_bro wrote a post about. I was called out by some on my neediness and validation seeking. I went back through the readings, took stock of my frame, adjusted my lifting plan and accepted that my path is going to be a long one. At 10 months I also was honest with myself and admitted I was still not fully OI from sexual denials and was not fully focused on me and what I WANT, independent of wife fucking me proper. I also started turning down starfish, which I know is a debated thing here but I wanted to see how it worked for me. The answer is: mixed results. Overall, my reflected improvements in my wife have been good but not great or drastic. I am physically fit, confident, more cocky, my wife is fucking me on average more than she was a year ago and there are “flashes in the pan” of increased sluttiness and submissiveness. We have fewer fights. I care less, if at all, about her stormy feelings and emotions. I am still meeting obstacles in the bedroom that I am working to one day surpass but I’m internalizing that these things aren’t the goal, just a byproduct of the goal.

LIFE GOALS and MY FRAME: Quick stats/background on me for some context (skip if you DGAF): Wife and I are both late 30s, married 10 years, together almost 16. 2 young children. I make 75% of our income. She works 3 days a week and is SAHM the other two. I’ve recently been thinking back a lot on the beginning of our relationship in college trying to look for clues or patterns to my status as “the man” in her eyes. A status that obviously waned over the years. We first started dating Junior year in college. Lasted about 6 months when I decided I wasn’t going to get into another LTR then. I still remember that night after a party. I was in her dorm room, said some shit about how I wasn’t ready to be serious and it wasn’t fair to her. Kissed her on the forehead and left. Didn’t talk for almost a year as I spun plates and had a fucking blast in what was left of college. Sometime senior year I started pursuing her again as we would run in same social circles. I was seeing another girl casually at the time and future Ms. JDR knew it. This other girl was a train wreck though. I had to undergo some shit testing from Ms. JDR but eventually she wanted back in on the JDR train. Pre-selection is cheap in college and I had plenty of hobbies, friends and my own drive in life. We were fucking and she was into it. I was her first (so she told me) so it was all new to her. I remember one night being inside/on top of her when she looked at me and said, “I love you.” I looked at her, smiled, and kept going but didn’t say it back. I just didn’t feel it yet. I see now how this was the total opposite of needy, and displayed a total lack of “ONEitis.” It was all push and no pull … and she probably wanted my dick all the more for it.

After graduation I moved across the country to get a masters degree related to my chosen profession. She followed me out there. We lived in separate apartments. Life was good. We were active. I had friends I met from school. I was following my professional drive and knew what I wanted to do with my life. She was living in my world. She had lived in a small town her whole life, went to college in a big city an hour away (where we met) and was now along for the ride in my life. The way it should be… as I now understand. After I got my degree we moved again, this time to the east coast for my job prospects. Before we went though, I proposed. We got married a year later and stayed on the east coast for seven years. We had our first baby there, then moved again to be closer to family and because I finally got a job offer from the organization I had always wanted to work for. This was all in my frame but somewhere between getting married and the final move, shit went downhill and that brings me to now and the past year.

My smile in the photo from last week was genuine and is a marked difference from my frame and overall happiness a year ago. It is me maintaining a positive attitude despite the storms that sometimes blow through my marriage. It shows me MRP works. It may work slowly, only halfway or not at all for some men and it may not work on all women for all men. But one thing is for certain; if you do the readings, internalize them and recognize when you are failing and make efforts to correct it, Lift, STFU, be attractive and follow your own goals and desires, you will be a better, more masculine man at the end of it. Be honest about your progress and what you really care about (i.e. your goals or her feelings) and you will find success. My improvements are not complete and will never be. As long as next year at this time is better than right now, I'm doing it right.

[–]BobbyPeruMRP Approved2 points3 points  (19 children) | Copy Link

A few times she accused me (I think mostly in jest) of having an affair.

My wife has done this a few times also. I thought the same thing – I could hear it in her voice that she didn't really believe it, so I don't understand why she says it. If anybody has any insight I'd sure like to know - more just out of curiosity than anything else. It doesn't really affect anything

[–]PurpleVeteranMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

It's part of the passive dread... why are you suddenly lifting/dieting, grooming yourself, and dressing better? More so if you're suddenly absent more often, evasive to her questions, and upping your sexual game. And the longer you've been BP, the more she's going to wonder why you suddenly decided to make all these changes.

You'd be similarly interested/suspicious if your wife suddenly started any or all of these behaviors.

[–]BobbyPeruMRP Approved1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

No I get passive dread, and I've seen it. But, my point is when she asks if I'm cheating it sounds insincere, like she doesn't really believe it.

I think I am answering my own question now in combination with what you said though. It's probably a combination of not really believing I'm having an affair combined with passive dread. So maybe a test to see how I react. But, the thing I don't get it is it seems to lean more towards not believing than passive dread.

Today, I did some see some real passive dread though. I came in after doing the squats, and she said she had a vision. Then she said she had a vision that I was working out so much and trying to look good because I was going to leave her. But, That sounded genuine. There is a difference.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

my point is when she asks if I'm cheating it sounds insincere, like she doesn't really believe it.

Mine does this tactic. If she came across as really believing it, it takes away her deniability defense, because they don't want to deal with it as a fact.

The playful, joking, offhanded questioning of my possible cheating, gives me a great opening for playful, joking, offhanded answers.

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's their own solipsism protecting them from having to deal with (or delay dealing with) the possibility of their man cheating or being valuable to other women.

[–]BobbyPeruMRP Approved0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This makes sense

[–]PurpleVeteranMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The female equivalent of:

"haha, yeah honey, you could give me a blow job. Just kidding! I mean, unless you want to."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Deniability works!

[–]BobbyPeruMRP Approved0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah I've used it to joke about chicks accidentally falling on my cock.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I will have to borrow that one.

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

In the last year my wife has twice told me of dreams she had about me cheating on her. In one she provided details of the mistress to include ethnicity, physical description and her name. The woman didn't exist.

[–]BobbyPeruMRP Approved0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well I hope the imaginary woman was Hawt

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's why she gave me the description because my first response was, "oh, was she hot."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My wife did this too. Must be a built in wiring item.

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Just remembered, she accused me of this again one time after i left the house after the 2nd hard no of the week. Went to a bar to see a band. Wouldn't stop texting me. That time it wasn't an act

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Soft dread really works on her!

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this is spot on. It's her initial probing in response to your improvements

[–]HobbesTheBrave0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Girls like the guys who could be with other girls. They don't like to be with someone the other girls wouldn't choose. Because having sex with you is a collective decision for girls. If girls don't find you attractive, why would anyone of them have sex with you?

If you're attractive to other girls, she wants you.

[–]BobbyPeruMRP Approved0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Great point. One of her favorite fantasies is where I'm a massage therapist that "she's heard about from the other girls."

Your message is also consistent with the sidebar readings.

[–]HobbesTheBrave0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Somewhere, somewhen I read at TRP about how 'Fucking you is a collective decision'.

Considering what women find attractive in men, what they are repulsed of in men, and how they oh-so-fear not being at least 95% alike the rest of the women, it kind of makes sense.

[–]PurpleVeteranMRP APPROVED6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Get ahead of the "decision curve" that, if your LTR is like mine, she always had control of. She is a big planner

A lot of guys seem to think that they need to make all the decisions and dictate them to their wife, or worse, don't even involve her in the process. My wife likes to be involved in the process, and gets anxious if she's out of the loop. More importantly, she often has details that help with the planning, so keeping her out can cause problems.

That's the beauty of the Captain/FO dynamic. You should be able to trust her to make decisions, especially reacting to the day-to-day stuff, while you take care of the big picture stuff like finances, vacations, etc. Even for simple things like what to make for dinner or where to go out, have a suggestion at the ready before you even bring it up -- she can propose something different, but you've set the bar and don't have to do 5 rounds of "I don't know, I don't care".

I also started turning down starfish, which I know is a debated thing here but I wanted to see how it worked for me. The answer is: mixed results.

I tried this early on, and it worked wonders. A couple times of "you know, this isn't working for either of us. I'm just gonna get some work done." I'm not saying we're always fucking like teenagers, but she's more engaged, more willing to try new things, and most LMR has disappeared. I think it works best when coupled with a bit of dread.

She also started initiating kino/being sweet more often

Mine swolests my shoulders, grabs my ass when we hug, or will just run her hand along my neck and shoulders as she walks past. The key here is to respond with positive feedback (not necessarily escalating to sex, but definitely offering affection and physicality), or maybe a bit of teasing.

At 10 months I realized my progress had stagnated a little bit and my congruence was shitty and I basically did a “MAP Deload”

I'm actually close to my 10mo mark as well, and finding I'm ready to recalibrate a few things. There was a fair bit of good progress early on, and we've rolled back 10 years of BB/BP conditioning, but there is still more room for improvement (been married more than 20). I am working on a few ideas for after the holiday, but as /u/2gunsgetsome noted elsewhere: "Why don't you make it a 12/21 resolution and fucking quit today?"

Thanks for the expanded progress report.

[–]See_Monkey_Doo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Makes sense to start your "resolutions" on the solstice, which is an actual thing, the days start getting longer, rather than New Years Eve, which is arbitrary. In terms of behavior modification.

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Upvote on involving them in decisions. I usually state my opinion or intention and am then open to any comments or advice from the FO. Sometimes she brings up legitimate problems I didn't think of and I will agree and say she is right.

[–]The_LitzMRP APPROVED2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

 I now see the value in occasionally stating your expectations in a concise, unapologetic and uncompromising way when the timing is right and her solipsistic head is too thick to get that I won’t accept a “roommates with kids” relationship.

You have to get the message across. If you do it within your frame and not butthurt it is all good. The trouble is most guys want to have the talk after a hard no and they are butthurt. If you can't pull it off properly STFU is still the safest route

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, and doing that correctly is hard at first

[–]470_2_700_nm2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

"you're not trying to be like those musclely guys are you? I don't like that." If you hear something like this from her….keep your foot on the gas, you’re doing it right.) " Man I wish I knew this 20 years ago. Fuck.

"I used to sit back in bed and wait for her to initiate and would get more angry when she didn't. " Me too. I know now this is a shit approach.

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep. As the man it's your job to initiate. If she does that's just icing on the man-initiation cake.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

muscley dudes

Hooooooly shit I used to get that. Then I got lean, then big, then she started lifting. Now when I get aggressive sexually and I hear "I don't like when you get that way" I laugh.

[–]resolutions316!!CAUTION!! Runaway bus potentially ahead1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I really can't tell you how helpful this was for me. I'm early on and am prone to moments of despair when I think of the time I've wasted, and how far there is to go.

There are a lot of similarities between us (down to height/weight), and it was so, so valuable to me to see your own taking stock. So thanks for posting.

[–]See_Monkey_Doo0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Great FR man. Im about a year in too, its helpful to see a brothers perspective. You seem to be taking the good with the bad and not getting to excited about either one. Enjoying the ride though. Have you read meditations? Its really helping me get perspective on whats important and what doesn't fucking matter, which is most of it. My goal for this year is to stay disciplined, keep up the effort, but also to just really let myself enjoy it and have fun. That's the pirate booty right?

[–]JDRoedellMRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I haven't read meditations or really meditated at all. It's one thing I see others talk about but never brought myself to do. I know I probably should. Thanks for the suggestion.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2022. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter