I'm not sure if it is a shit test, or part of some other deeper psychological issues she has. Here is a mild example of a very common pattern.

Wife: ... and I'll go do all the errands this weekend while you go visit your buddy.

Me: Thanks. I don't need anything for myself, I took care of it already. Just get the usual groceries that you think we need for the week, whatever you like...

Wife: [Interrupting, a bit snappy] Well, you have to tell me what are the things you need, because I don't know them, and I'm not going to get them if you don't write them, I'm not going to try to read your mind, blah blah blah

Me: [Try to keep my cool, but still I interrupted her] Did you hear what I just said?

Wife: [Silence] Well, I still need a list of the things you need for yourself, because I'm not going to get them if you don't give me a list....

Me: [Interrupting] Did you hear what I said?

Wife: [Long Silence]

Me: I said don't need anything, I took care of it.

Wife: [Silence, and then with snappy tone] Ok then. I'll get only what I need then. [Long tense silence, then she changes to a happy tone] Let's watch that movie now.

Me: I would like that.

[We start watching the movie we had agreed to, and five minutes later she asks me if she can lay down on my chest as she likes to do.]

The pattern is that, in her hamstering head, she has decided that I'm going to fight her about something. Even though I'm not fighting, even when we are actually completely agreeing, she can't see that, she must fight, and talks as if I was fighting back. She often thinks I said something, when I said the opposite.

I don't know if this is a shit test, or some of her insecurities and dissociations from her other issues, or what. Ironically, when it is very extreme and it feels as if she is having a hallucination where I'm fighting with her, even though it is more creepy and more acute, I can manage it better. I've learned that in those extreme situations even when my words don't reach her, keeping frame with my tone and bodylanguage does reach her in a powerful way. Essentially I talk to her more 'animalistic' part of the brain with authority, and she gets the message. I've gotten better at using the right amount of emotional energy there, and I've good at stopping these now.

However, in the less drastic instances, like the example above, I can't tell if I'm managing things right. My biggest challenge is to finish her 'fight' with the least amount of emotional energy as possible.

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