Good sex requires Emotion

I found r/marriedredpill while looking for ideas to spice up my boring, same-thing-every-time sex life with my postmenopausal wife.

I've naturally followed most MRP principles throughout my 30+ year marriage, with the notable exception of those directly related to sex (flirting/game; behaviors toward and during sex). The very predictable result has been an otherwise great relationhip with a wife who respects and likes me, who rarely rejects sex, but who claims to have zero sex drive (for me?) after menopause, with purely responsive desire and very slow arousal during sex.

The big new revelations for me from MRP have been The Sex God Method and DEVI, Chapter 10 of NMMNG about sex, and Game. My still-poor application of these ideas has already improved sex with my wife. As I progress, I'm beginning to appreciate the primacy of Emotion over the physical in sex and sexual response, especially for women for whom sexual arousal is primarily mental and emotional. As from Practical Female Psychology

"A woman is dependent upon the actions and attitude of her man with respect to how aroused she is able to become. ... in order for her to be sexually receptive, she still has to find within a man a combination of ... male sexual dominance, and the skill of verbally stimulating emotions within a woman"

As I see it now, effectively SGM's DEVI is at root all about emotions: the strong feelings surrounding submission or resistance with Dominance; stimulating different emotions through Variety; experiencing these emotions to their fullest through Immersion.

Emotionally limited sex

For the recovering Nice Guys of MRP, sex is primarily about covert contracts and validation. To avoid upsetting or offending their wives, their emotional expression with sex is both very limited and inauthentic. (This may often account for much of her lack of interest in sex with him.) As he struggles to avoid DEERing and validation-seeking, demonstrate OI, and STFU, the MRP novice often brings even less Emotion to the bedroom. This leads to bad sex that fails to engage her emotionally, which very often leads to

• relationship improvement but without much sexual improvement

• unenthusiastic wives who resist any sexual changes

• wives who feel emotionally disconnected and "you only want me for sex"

• more Dread-induced bad sex that wives eventually reject, with a return to a dead bedroom or divorce.

Like most guys, I'm most comfortable with the physical aspects of sex, and purely physical sex is at least momentarily satisfying, so in the past I focused primarily on physical acts and stimulation. Reading SGM convinced me to immediately add more Dominance and Variety to sex with my wife (as well as Emotion, which was less clear to me), but it was mostly physical Dominance without much emotional effect. Variety to me was also at first about different positions/acts/body-parts/holes. After an initial increase in sexual interest and response (which I now realize was mostly an emotional response to the novelty), it tapered off again for my wife, and for me as well. I soon found that without a strong emotional component (whether accidental or intentional), Dominance and Variety have limited effect and are mostly an irritation or a distraction from the better sex I sought for me and her.

Sex with Emotion

I eventually realized that seeking variety only through different physical acts was mostly about allowing me to stay within my own (physical) sexual comfort zone by pushing her out of hers. Now, I'm mostly pushing myself beyond my own comfort zone in learning to use emotion effectively in sex.

• Before this change, I was a silent lover. Now, I work at talking before, during and after sex; and not just over-the-top phony dirty talk as in porn videos, but to engage a variety of emotions such as laughter as well as "sexual" emotions. I express my raw thoughts, pleasure, and desires rather than censor them during sex.

• I've introduced a lot more variety and novelty in "foreplay" activities with emotional context, instead of just physical stimulation. I've also added "preplay", a variety of physically active sexy or sexual things that I lead my wife to do (such as sexy games or dancing nude, often outside the bedroom) that turn me on and engage my wife's emotions, only some of which involve physical contact.

• I focus on the emotional content of Dominance, Variety, and Immersion, and often choose what I do for a desired emotional effect.

• I try to engage a variety of emotions when flirting and gaming.

Learning to bring Emotion to sex has been a challenge for me and I still suck at it, but to my initial surprise it has already brought me more interest and sexual satisfaction than "unlocking" another act, hole, position, or location. (And I don't think this is just because I'm getting old.) This also places positive change within my control, not hers. And when I'm successful at bringing Emotion to sex, my wife is much more easily aroused and sexually responsive.

Many guys here seem obsessed with getting their wife to perform some specific sex act. I suspect this focus often arises from a lack of Emotion, leaving them stuck with boring sex and only new physical acts to provide validation or Variety. As I've made sex a richer and more varied emotional experience, I've found that I care less and less about specific acts; by the time we get to the physical sex, the specific act or position is usually incidental to the predominantly emotional experience.

This post grew out of a discussion with u/resolutions316 following his most recent OYS, at the suggestion of u/weakandsensitive.