TL;DR: in this post I describe how did I started, fucked up, finished and fucked up again during my marriage in the times of my validation addiction.
I realized serious shit last Friday. This is my confession.
There could be more, but I'll keep it MRP-related
I decided to marry her because she was pregnant.
Before I got her pregnant, I cheated on her various times. Few times I confessed that to her, few times she found out. She was mad, pissed, suffering, etc, we parted our ways for some time, but she always forgave me and allowed me to take her back.
During my marriage I abused food and alcohol (I did that before marriage too). I was overweight, I had hepatic steatosis. I treated her like shit. We fought numerous times. I called her names multiple times, I berated her heavily. There were some situations where I used physical violence, sometimes in self-defense, sometimes as a retaliation, sometimes not (I remember never attacking her first, if that counts).
I wrote I abused alcohol, but those situations actually happened while I was sober. I remember that one day when I took a shot of vodka, felt a bit drowsy and thought "my god, why can't I feel like that without alcohol".
She says that during that time she tried to be a decent woman and I believe her. She says, she always wanted to do something that would affect my behavior and make me love her. She did a lot of good stuff during our first 4 years of marriage. My better behavior never came.
November 2010 I gave up alcohol without any problems, except that I started eating and overworking like crazy. In March 2011 I started therapy for addicts.
My wife never believed that I was alcoholic. I was a high functioning alcoholic and I thought that this is why she did not believe it. But, today, I understand why. She said:
You stopped drinking, but your behavior did not change.
During therapy I did a lot of things that lowered my SMV, especially:
- stopped attending parties,
- had problems being funny,
- had a lot of extremely negative thinking,
- started saying "sorry" for my past behavior which made her even more mad,
- started giving her a lot of gifts and money as a way to say "sorry", which made her more disrespectful,
- started being emotional, talking about my feelings, sometimes crying in front of her or during movies,
During therapy I heard often that many marriages don't survive situations when an addicts stops abusing. Today I understand, why, because I did almost everything wrong. The only good thing, I always kept frame about being alcohol free - and believe me, she shit-tested me about this very often ("I'd rather like you to stand on the street corner and drink with those hobos than attend those fucking alcoholics anonymous meetings!" - by the way, she never attended one of those).
For any addicts during therapy - if you're in an LTR I'd suggest KEEP IT TOTALLY SECRET, because this will probably hurt your social status. If you don't give a fuck about it (I did not) - keep it secret for the sake of your LTR!!
I'm actually thinking about writing a pamphlet for addicts "How to nuke your marriage during therapy". Believe me, it is needed. Statistics are terrible.
In Jun 2012 she looked up her ex-bf on FB and started talking to him. She meet him secretly few times. IDK if sex was involved (she says not).
In Jan 2013 she filed divorce.
At this point as I was aware about that ex-bf thing, I decided I want to separate finances. I talked her into an agreement before divorce that we separate financially.
When I had that agreement, I opened up my cards, I told her what I know and that she somehow went south and I will give her another chance.
A poor beta's saving marriage checklist:
Bubble-bath with scented candles? Check.
A lot of gifts for valentines? Check.
Taking care she orgasms every time? Check.
She met that ex-bf (maybe not so ex now) a few times more.
In March 2014, she called me "shit" when I got my traffic ticket. I checked her computer. Saw her not-so-ex-bf replying "everything's fine". I found "Shrink for men" the same day or a few days after. I found TheRedPill subreddit some time later, perhaps some links in comments.
I moved her stuff to another room and filled divorce.
Enter faux alpha
I bought gaming consoles, DJ equipment, started gym, started reading, started dancing lessons. I played jungle music on a few parties, I went on a date with a girl. I read a lot of red pill material by then.
Eventually she bought into my "faux alpha" persona, we had sex, I impregnated her for the 3rd time.
I backed out the divorce papers and started looking for a bigger flat.
But that did not feel right to me.
In Jan 2015 I started working in a new place. I looked better than ever.
I wanted a revenge.
Revenge on my wife for not validating me.
I saw that girl at my work some day in Feb 2015. Great hair, juicy tits, 8 yrs younger than my wife. For the first time in my life I felt ready, I looked good, I was in pretty decent shape, I had good clothes, good perfumes. I approached a girl that I normally would not approach in my "beta years". We kissed. My wife was 9 months pregnant by that time.
When my wife was at home with our 4-month old son in Jul 2015, I took her stuff out of my room again, moved her to another. I did not fuck that other girl by that time, but I guess this must have crossed my mind more than few times.
During that time I did not acted like a proper husband. I picked up girls, I flirted, I ignored household chores.
I was mad at my wife. For calling me shit. For contacting her ex-bf.
I was mad at her for not validating me.
Today I understand, that I looked at her like an morphine addict looks at an empty syringe.
She stopped validating me some day.
I needed that fix, badly.
I berated her, but this did not work. Or, maybe it did work, but I did not want to see anything good coming from her.
In Jul 2015, after getting her stuff out of our room, I told her to fill the divorce papers (3rd time in our career). She did.
I repeat, I ignored household chores by that time. She was on her own. I only brought money.
I gave it some time. I wanted her to beg me for forgiveness. I wanted her to show me her appreciation for me.
I wanted my fix, while she was breast-feeding our 4-month old son.
I gave it some time, she did not contact me overtly in any ways. I wanted an overt submission. I did not get it.
In Oct 2015 I told my wife, that my exclusivity for her is over. Next day, I asked that technician for her phone no. Sex was great.
In Nov 2015, after having sex with my mistress for 2 or 3 times, I felt lighter. My anger was gone. I started talking with my wife normally.
... but I did not stop fucking that other girl! She felt better and she gave me as much attention and sexual appreciation as I needed. My wife some day started pushing me about it and I told her; there were no way I left any trails that would be useful to the court. Sex was restarted that day (even if it worked, I advise AGAINST dread level 11-12).
In Dec 2015 I divorced. I got no-fault. I felt great, because the threat of my wife suing my ass either for infidelity or for bad treatment and being an alcoholic-post-therapy was gone. I stopped fucking that other girl. I did not need her any more.
After divorce I approached my ex-wife and started talking to her. This was right after I read WISNIFG and re-read NMMNG. I felt lighter. I told her that I would like us to work on our relationship. And well, we did. I decided to stop working away from my home town and she was glad about it. Sex was good.
Until that day, when there was a sexual situation between us two in a hot tub and I was not actually happy about her technique while giving me a BJ and she saw that I'm not and... she smacked my head with an open hand, strongly (my 'real' head, not the head of my dick). She hit me.
Next day I fucked the technician in my car.
On New Year's Eve, another woman from my work called and told me, that while since Jan 2016 I won't be their contractor, maybe we should grab that coffee some day. And well, we did. I did not fuck her, but still had my time.
Few days before that date, I started being lethargic. I started berating my now ex-wife again. I slept. I did not came out of my room to sing her "happy birthday" with my ex-in-laws. I told my ex-wife that we will never be together and that she should go fuck herself.
And well, she did. The day I went on a date with that second woman, my ex-wife found some guy over FB, who came to our town and fucked her the next day.
I remember long long time before that, maybe in Oct 2015, that one of you guys commenting on my victim pukes wrote, that he hopes, that a whole football team is going to fuck my wife because I'm a weaksauce pussy. Well, this was not the whole team and I'm not sure if that guy plays football, but that was pretty intuitive, thanks.
I'm adding that link to my posts from that time so you can see how a blind validation-addicted guy posts look like: https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway783487387/submitted/ . If anyone wants to use me as a material for some study, feel free to PM me.
Few days after that happened, I realized that fucking other girls in cars and motels is not the best I can do. I approached my wife, sleeping in bed, and told her that I made up my mind and I am ready to work on our marriage again. She told me she fucked that guy, I told her what I did. I actually felt a relief - for the whole time I thought she fucked that ex-bf FB guy in 2012-2014. There was almost every single one of the TRP truth involved. I was not too surprised.
We had sex for the next few days, we barely left the bed. I had my "validation fix".
We decided to go on winter holidays with our kids. We decided to start honestly. We share our phone passwords now. Well, I was honest, what the heck. And she? She was honest too.
Except that now she was hiding the fact she looked up that other guy constantly over FB.
We had some cool dates during that period from Feb to Mar 2016. We had some good sex. We went with the kids on that holidays and that was cool. It was nice.
That other guy was silent for about a month and called her a week ago. She told him that she won't meet him. Next day she called him to tell him why - because she came back to me and we're cool now. He told her his opinion on my behavior which went something along the lines "and why would your ex-husband be better to you this time? because wtf, he was visited by the Holy Spirit?" and she had a realization about her situation.
Then, she gave me a nuclear shit-test that I did not pass.
Then, she told me she wants us to stop being exclusive. Then she called that guy and told him she wants to meet him again. She told me earlier that she would meet him only for sex, because "he's not the type of guy who will commit" (does that ring a bell, guys? Objectively I may be better than this guy, I may be a situational alpha, but subjectively, PERCEIVED SMV of me by my wife is NEGATIVE today)
Whatever. From some perspective, in fact, we stopped being exclusive around 2011.
I realized I fucked up. I became silent but that was too late. When she changed her phone password and told me she wants to do everything she likes, even meeting that guy again, I felt extremely uneasy again.
My hatred towards her came back, just as my will to check her phone and throw a fit.
On the other hand I knew, that I lost by that time and behaving like that would be no way a reasonable idea. I would make things much, much worse.
I had a very hard day. I realized I can't be in this relationship any more because I don't like where it went. On the other hand, I lead this relationship there! She mirrored things that I did. Who was I to tell her she can't?
Then I realized.
This was not love. This was addiction.
Why did I want to check her phone? If she does not talk with that guy - this means I am okay! If she does - I can read their messages and still feel superior and in control! If she does talk with him, I could take her back!! And show my superiority!!!
This was my thinking.
Unfortunately, this thinking does not show any relation to her.
And I am not sure if I want have any relationship with her now. I'm not sure if I find her attractive. I'm not sure if I ever loved her, or was she only my validation addiction enabler.
I realized I MUST ABSTAIN from such behavior.
This is so powerful, that I started shaking nervously again when re-reading this post.
I realized, that for the 12 yrs, each and every time I was mad at her, she was like that empty syringe for a morphine addict. This is why I was mad at her! I wanted to get my fix, but she was not able to validate me any more as I expressed enough shitty behavior towards her!
I suddenly felt free.
I am still feeling compelled to check her phone or her computer. I know that this behavior won't bring anything good into my life.
I realized that I am not sure if I ever loved her. We don't have any common rituals, we share hardly ever any interests. We don't meet our friends. We live separate lives for a very long time.
I realized that I need to move. This is not a sensible option for me to live with a woman that I hate for the past 12 yrs.
On the other hand, I changed my behavior totally. I started expressing real LOVE towards her and towards my kids, just like that. Things started to be easy for me again.
I believe that there is still hope for my family. As /u/irateMD wrote, if I improve, I will lead her. We may not be together, but our relationship will improve.
How to cure an addiction? You don't. You replace an addiction with something else. What I replace my validation addiction with? With HAVING AN AWESOME LIFE, with a lot of social stuff, with caring about my house, about my kids, about my ex-wife.
Finally I am sober and I have all the stuff, all the tools I need. All the books I can read, and all you guys here. Unless mods ban me again.
As for my ex-wife, I love this woman as a mother of my children and I decide I want to care about her and I want to protect her. I'm never ever getting re-married again. I'm never ever getting involved in any woman's private stuff (like checking texts or FB), because I'm too awesome for that, this will not build my muscle mass, this will not lover my BF.
Funny thing is, that during all those hard times of thinking and disconnecting from my validation I kept my diet and gym habits. Somehow I feel not only my mind got upgraded, my body is going to be fixed too.
And, what's the most important thing for me recently, somewhere along the lines, I understood that being an ALPHA is not being a rude idiot. Thus, my social relationships at the gym improved. I say "hello" differently and people react more positively to me.
Time for the next episode
Time for the next chapter - no more faux-alpha, enter the real ex_addict_bro.
I feel I got all the things in my head in order this time.
I'm loving towards my kids and towards my ex-wife. I'm owning my shit. I'm taking care about housing, renovation, stuff. Money and work in order. Social life - working on it.
I'm giving it 5 months of hard core red improvement. Now I - suddenly, somehow - FEEL what it should look like. And there will be no baby-sitting of my ex-wife, no handling of her emotions. If she has any codependency issues, that's on her. She did not do anything about this earlier. She's not my mother. I'm not her father. No unconditional love here.
As for my ex-wife and her potential new relationships - I honestly DGAF. Why? Because she honestly told me she ends her exclusivity and she's a grown up human being! She's a woman and she acts like a woman should, she berated me when I was a shitty beta, she started respecting me when I started to man up. Also - obvious - no amounts of mate guarding are going to help me now! Also, we're not together, that's what she wanted! Also... I am honest with you here - I don't know if I love her, I don't know if I ever find my wife attractive. She was a very good, very decent woman. I owe my improvement to her. Paradoxically, she made me a better man and everything happened in proper order. But the truth is I don't need her. I will have a good relationship with her anyway as a mother of my children. BUT - I'm not looking for an easy way out to "slay new pussy" - I'm giving it 5 months. Let her take her anger out. If she wants to see how that strange dick smells like - that's on her. During those 5 months I will improve. Badly. I will be the best mofo around. I will have my shit together. I will understand, I will see if I love her or not. If I decide to take her back, I will be in great position to do that.
But, also, after 12 yrs of such fuckery, I think it will be the best for us to part our ways. But not until 5 months more - and there are 5 months that I give for my improvement, for moving out. Only because I want it so. Call me as you want, this is my decision.
I am a very valuable male IF I keep my shit together. And I will. I'm no longer that victim puking throwaway account and it took me about 6 months to understand the source of my problems.
Somehow, I am grateful that she called that other guy that day. When she called him, things he said lead to my improvement.
So, I'm owning this.
Thank you (no specific order): /u/whinemoreplease /u/irateMD /u/BluepillProfessor /u/TheFamilyAlpha /u/stonepimpletilists
- being "alpha" is not about being a rude dickhead,
- being an "alpha-alpha" is not about shitting on your wife,
- taking care of kids does not make you less "alpha-alpha",
- hitting on cashiers in front of your wife is beta (cashiers should hit on you, not the other way)
- being an awesome ex-husband and an awesome father actually helps me in my situation,
- being responsible for what I did in my past actually makes me feel better today,
- don't fuck another woman during your marriage; this may be validation addiction; give it time, improve yourself. If you improve yourself - you get the validation fix from your wife; better - if you ditch the validation addiction totally, you won't need it at all.
... and, for you "amoral merpers" out there:
- if you fuck another woman during your marriage, remember: she may be younger, nicer to "new you", she may be a dynamite in bed (because other guys showed her, how; if your wife sucks in bed this means you did not showed her how to be a proper girl) -- you will loose interest in your wife,
- if you cheat, do it discretely, in a place you and your wife will never visit; your own car, bed, flat, town is a VERY BAD IDEA (in the future she might became aware of it, let her have a cool story so she can forgive you),
- if you cheat during your marriage and your wife finds out, your wife will probably want to cheat on you too, are you sure you want to fulfill your cuckold fantasy - or end your LTR ASAP?