How to lead a wife that doesn’t let you

March 25, 2015
84 upvotes

I’ve seen a lot of posts here of men saying “I can’t lead because my wife is too strong/too smart/too bossy/too powerful/doesn’t like it/is a feminist/doesn’t give me a captain’s hat”. Sometimes this is hamstered differently “What books I can give my wife so she trust my captaining?”. These are all just versions of the following BP thought pattern: “I want wife to authorize me to lead.” In this post I’ll discuss some ways you can start changing to become that leader your woman wants to follow.

Leaders don’t need permission to lead. They just lead, period. Those that like your vision follow willingly. Those that don’t, well, they are useless to your vision, so you won't miss them when they stay behind. It is that laser-beam focus of the vision of the leader and doing whatever takes to get to the goal what inspires others to follow. Thinking others have to follow so you can lead is having it all backwards, and this backward thinking is why she doesn’t trust you to lead. Thinking you can’t lead because she doesn’t let you is like thinking you can’t be a man until she gives you your balls. It isn't she doesn't want to give you the balls, it is that she doesn’t have balls for you, your balls are right there between your legs and have always been. Stop the Freudian bullshit, and just act like a man.

Leading is an action on itself, independent of followers. A samurai leads his life always, even while he trains in the woods alone. He doesn't need students to be a leader. However, often, students will come looking for him to lead them. Was the samurai a leader only when the student showed up and begged to train under him? Of course not. The student came because the samurai was always a leader.

When we are not leading our life, we can’t lead our family. And when we aren’t leading our family, we are just a drunk captain. Many of us that find MRP found ourselves realizing this, and want to captain right away. Some here argue with their wives telling them they have to follow their lead. This doesn’t inspire leadership or trust, in fact, it erodes it. Think of any boss you have had that is bitching that employees don’t follow his orders: that only makes you respect and trust him less. If your wife is not following you, it isn’t her fault, and words won’t change that. It is your fucking fault, and only actions you take will change it.

Leading is the hardest job. Everyone in the ship can bitch about their hard work except the captain. If you are bitching about how much work you have, you aren’t acting like a leader. The captain is responsible for everything in the ship. He can’t say “It is the navigator’s fault that I sunk the ship.” even if the navigator did plot the wrong course that led them to a reef. All the captain can do is fire the bad navigator, but the captain still takes responsibility for the fucked up ship. Blaming others is irrelevant.

The leader takes responsibility for his vision, not from the vision of others. If you are in a situation where you are used to your wife telling you which chores you need to do, and you bitch back at her saying “I’m not in the mood, I’m playing X-Box”, well, you are not leading because you are acting like a child, so you have forced her to lead like a mom. No wonder she isn’t attracted to you sexually, it is your own fault. Man up.

Transitioning from the frame where she is the mother and you are the child is disruptive because the only way to do is without her approval. Think about it, if she has to approve it, it means she is still leading. Leading is not achieved with verbal arguments so she recognizes your leadership. That is like the teenager that is pissed at his mom for telling him to clean his room saying "I hate you! I'm not a child anymore". The way you start to lead is to take more responsibility following your vision. Nobody can stop you from doing this except yourself. The more you do this, the more you will start to understand your vision. Vision is something you can’t explain with words, but with your actions.

Here are some ideas of shit you can do to start taking more responsibility and leading:

  • Wax her car regularly without telling her or asking for her permission. You budget the time for that according to your priorities, and if she wants to you to do something else, just say you are now waxing the car. No need to explain anymore. The same goes for other manly responsibilities: fix the house, mown the lawn, change the oil in the car, install furniture, fill out the taxes, all that. The more responsibilities you take of this kind, the more you are leading.

  • Regularly scan the house for things that need to be fixed and done, write them down as a to do list. Write down what you need to buy to do them, and go get the things, and do it. Prioritize the list according to your vision. Do the things.

  • When you do stuff that needs to be done, never proudly show it to her. That is seeking for approval “Mommy mommy look, i cleaned my room”. The job itself is its own reward because it contributes to your vision. She won’t notice 90% of them, but what matters is you know what is the maintenance the ship needs and you do it. That is what makes you the captain.

  • If wife tells you to do something, think about it, and if it makes sense, decide you are responsible for it. Don't register her nagging, because leaders don't have time for that, they solve problems. Listen to her request, and prioritize it according to your vision, not to her emotions. Just saying “Babe, I got it.” and ending the discussion is enough. No need to say “I have so much to do, it will have to wait, blah blah blah”. The leader always has too much to do and he doesn’t need to explain his reasons for prioritizing. This changes the dynamics from her bossing you around to you listening to her suggestions, and all that you had to do it was to take responsibility. By doing this consistently she will learn that nagging only wastes her energy, and when you say you will do something, you do it.

  • Stop playing video games, watching TV, being on reddit when shit needs to be done around the house. Men prioritize. You can only demonstrate this with actions, bitching how you are tired from the long day and want to watch Game of Thrones is what a teen would do. Just accept the leader works harder than anyone else, go unplug the kitchen drain now, and only after, watch half an episode.

  • Plan a vacation/family activity. Don’t consult her if she would like it before hand, just plan it saying you want to do this, and inform her of the logistical details. Then carry out the plan. And if something doesn’t work out well, don’t bitch, it is your job to manage the problem and fix things. You will do this because this is part of your vision for the family, and you don’t need her to approve your vision. If you need, start with something small, an afternoon hike or something, this will help your confidence and will help you fine tune things. And if you forgot to bring water for everyone, it is your problem to solve, don't bitch about it.

  • Take care of yourself without seeking approval. Make time to lift regularly, and have guy friends. If you can’t budget time for the captain’s table, then, you aren’t leading, period. If you think you are too busy, well, that is just an excuse. Vladimir Putin is busier than you and he works out every day. An essential part of leading is to being able to prioritize responsibilities and allocate resources, and then not bitching about your choices. The only person responsible for your body is you, so if you can’t manage that, then, why do you think others will trust you lead with stuff that affects them? Instead of bitching about what you don’t have time to do, accept that you chose to prioritize, and you have done all you could do. And a leader is always looking for more stuff that needs to be done, so always think hard and change priorities according to your vision.

  • Stop fighting with her. Focus on problem solving. If something doesn’t affect concretely the problem, change the topic to the concrete problem. If she is bitching about you not cleaning the garage because you chose to build the new shelves, instead of pointing that out, just say “I’m responsible for the garage. Don’t worry about it.” and ignore the rest. You prioritize your way, and you show it with actions, not words.

After a few weeks of doing this regularly, you will start to trust your vision. And by acting on it, she will start to trust it too, and you will see she pushes back less. She will start doing her chores better as part of your vision. The reason why this works is that, since assuming responsibility is so much work, almost everyone prefers not to take responsibility. All you have to do to lead is be the person that assumes more responsibility, and others will follow you only because it is easier for them.

Is this more work? Fuck yeah. But that is what makes you the man and the leader. Stop bitching and just do it. And when she is PMSing and angry, just budget more tasks for those days. Instead of engaging her hamster, just do productive shit. That is why you lead: you work harder for your clear vision.

This works independent of how strong/bossy/smart she is. In fact, I think that the stronger a woman is, the more she wants the man to be strong to submit her. It is your job to be that strong man. Leading strong people is more useful than leading weak people anyway. So become that leader that your strong wife wants to follow, and she will want to add more to your life. As you start leading this way there is a good chance she will respond better to you and will start requesting clarifying information because she wants to contribute to your vision. However, that comes after she trusts your leadership, and this only will come after you have lead successfully for a long time.

If you think the problem is she doesn't let you lead, you aren't leading because you are being a punk-ass lazy teen. Man up and do your work. That is the way to lead.

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