tl;dr: new to TRP, not sure of my direction because of a very specific problem. WARNING: wall of text.
Hello men, I'm a baby red piller. I've been lurking for several months, ever since (on another account) I was subscribed to dozens of porn subs and TRP was just some extra reading that I found from r/seduction. I swallowed the red pill about a month ago, and I'm slowly, and with plenty of setbacks, living it out. I no longer am interested in porn, and I've read about half the sidebar except the books. I'm planning to buy one as a Christmas present to me.
Here's some background on me. I was raised by a narcissistic mother "i.e., http://illimitablemen.com/2014/02/17/lucifers-daughter) and a hook-line-and-sinker BP father in a strict, Christian, American household. I was also completely BP when I met my wife in college. She was raised by an alpha, traditional Mexican dad and subsequently hamstery mom. She's a wonderful person, funny, thinks I'm funny, cooks like a boss, and is a stay-at-home mom, wants to garden and get farm animals. Perfect domestic woman, meets all of the criteria here: http://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2nzuc4/the_opposite_of_a_red_flag_what_makes_you_think_a/cmifv9t.
We got pregnant accidentally (because we refused to use condoms and "condone" sex before marriage - christianese/religious bullshit), and as the good christian boy I was, I proceeded to marry her. Right away the sex dried up (duh), and despite my romancing and asking and begging and pursuing and flowers and chocolate and lingerie and..., she wouldn't give it up (wonder why). More than a few times I cried myself to sleep with a raging hard-on. The longest period of time without sex was 7 months.
Then I did a very stupid thing. I will probably get backlash for this, but please, I've learned from this and I'm trying really hard to fix it. I cheated. Quite a bit. She caught me as she was pregnant with our second child (also a "whoops" pregnancy - yeah, she got an IUD shoved up there right away), and shit hit the fan. That was almost a year and a half ago. I'm seeing a therapist for sexual addiction. I'm almost 27.
Now, since finding TRP and MRP, I've realized that, due to both my BP nature and the damage from the affair, I was beginning to fear her. If she was upset at our dog, I cringed because I should be doing something about it, white knighting, etc... We were no longer having sex because she would feel like she was being raped. I stopped what little guy-friend time I had. Regardless of how awesome a day was going, all it took was one reminder of what I did and she was a furious, sobbing, screaming mess. Her outbursts are become more and more rare, but still happen. She was calling the shots on everything, and to avoid an argument, I would let her. If she was pissed for whatever reason, I would just cower and wait for it to blow over.
I felt little hope for my marriage, and so I stopped caring so much and did my own thing, monogamously this time. I started researching how to restore old motorcycles, which I'll start doing once I can raise a little money. I started reading for pleasure. I bought a tobacco pipe. I started working on my style. I'm remodeling a shop in my backyard into a small home gym so she can do some personal training for extra income, and I can use it too. I felt like an enslaved mine worker who collects shiny rocks he finds, just for some sort of diversion from the misery that is his life.
Then I latched on to TRP and overcorrected. I know I was too cold/harsh/stubborn/macho. The last week and a half I've felt terrible for how confused my wife is and I want to be more comforting, or at least find the balance. One good result: we've has more sex in the last two weeks than in the rest of 2014 to date (4 times in a week recently), mostly because I'm not waiting around for her to "heal" from the affair and I'm taking initiative. Those sexytimes have been mind blowing.
Where I stand now: I'm not sure going total RP/alpha is right for me, considering the affair. For example, dread game WILL blow up in my face, because to her its a legitimate fear that I will cheat again. Backing off when she resists sex (can't seem to find the thread where I saw that advice...) WILL make her freak out that I'm getting it somewhere else, because I used to. Here's my thought: maybe her shit tests aren't your typical shit tests (i.e., they're comfort tests). Maybe she's just paranoid (and justifiably so). But HOW the FUCK do I handle that and still hold frame?!
Here's a couple recent examples:
I initiated sex a couple nights ago, after a day of loving texts, kisses when I got home, and helping out around the house (things that usually get her prepped). She kept pushing me away, so I stopped and told her (paraphrased), "You're pushing me away." Her: "Sometimes I don't want sex. Sometimes I just want to be close to you and cuddle." Me: "guys have physical needs." Her: "You gave up that right when you cheated on me, and its going to take a long time for me to get past that." (initiate epic tears) Me: "Ok, I'm going to go read my book." Her: [hamstering about the affair, still fighting fears, etc., which is bullshit because of amazing sex the prior week. Also, hamstering about too much change, stop being an asshole, this marriage will not last if you continue like this]. Me: "..." Verdict: I feel like I tried but didn't commit, and thus failed big time.
Another example: Yesterday we had plans to drive through a neighborhood in our town that has TONS of Christmas lights and decorated houses. Its an official "thing" to do for Christmas. She had hinted that she wanted to get Starbucks on the way there, and as we were driving there asked again. I told her I didn't want to charge it to our credit card (money is tight) and wanted to be more financially responsible. Her, pouting: "I feel like a 2 year old getting scolded." Beyond that, she was great. Didn't blow up at me, didn't hamster, didn't whine. I held frame. I decided to reward her behavior and pulled into Starbucks. Her: "No, don't, no. I'm too embarrassed now. You embarrassed me. You don't have to be such an asshole and make me feel scolded." Me: "That wasn't my intention. I made the decision I felt was right for our family, and you didn't complain about it or give me a hard time. I felt like that deserves Starbucks. Want some?" Her, still pouting: "No." So my son and I got drinks, and she got none. On the way home though, she asked to redeem her drink. I obliged. Verdict: success.
I have some questions:
RE, the two examples above. Feedback?
Have any of you dealt with an affair and still being RP? Do you have any advice for me specific to that situation? Do I need to lean more BP while she heals? How long should I give her?
She has a history of resisting change, even when its positive. I just took a new job a few weeks ago that pays more but keeps me in the office more (not home for lunches as much, day trips out of town). Should I adapt and implement TRP slower, to be considerate? Most of the advice I read on here is "just start, and she will follow."
I'll be buying a book, but can only afford one at a time. Which should I start with? Another recent thread said MMSL was a good start for a married beta.
I'm really looking forward to being a part this sub. So far its been really helpful and encouraging. Thanks.
EDIT: I'm not good at hyperlinking yet.