The following was a recent comment I made (and deleted) that I thought I would share for discussion and possibly help those that deal with anger:
Never forget there is some anger that is justified.
But anger is an emotion, not an action.
When you confuse emotion with action you get shitty outcomes. Hopefully, if you are reading this, you are smart enough to know that you are not controlling it, it is controlling you.
The first step that you take is to quit letting it control some of your actions.
Now you have to work on the thoughts...... yeah, that's the hard part. In a way you are your own bitch, a slave your your inner hamster of anger.
The first step IMO is to break down, in your mind the cause. If you have years of using anger to mask your real emotions, then you have a lot of work to do. If you are like me, you are in long habits of turning sad to mad, of turning perceived threats to aggression. You are the pissed off lion, the puppy that bites, the ass-hole that everyone rolls their eyes at, but gives them wide berth.
In a way it has worked for you in many situations, but sometimes it completely blows up in your face. In fact if you look back, the blow-ups are often bad enough results that they really undo all the times it worked like a charm to get what you want. You have to realize that it does not work for you.
Once you accept that you need tp change your MO, you have to break down to the REAL cause of your anger. This is all mental work. It is very hard to get to the real reason you get angry when you have many years of transferring negative emotions to anger.
I would guess that when I started, it would sometimes take me a day or two to get to the real reason I was angry. Sometimes, it even went back to the physical and sexual abuse that occurred as a child/teen. Some was just all mine.
Whatever the reason, you are using an emotion that you understand instead of the real emotion. In a way this makes you a liar. When you say I'm angry, instead of the real reason you hurt, you are lying to yourself and everyone else. Until you drill down to the root real reasons for what you do, you are not genuine and the genuine feels you want from others, like your wife, are not going to happen.
If you deal with anger, or rage, good luck, you have a lot of work to do, depending on how deep you go into this rabbit hole. Best.
EDIT: Still the best book (IMO) on the side bar for dealing with anger is NMMNG. Disclaimer: this book is of little help if you do not do the exercises. You my need to read and work the exercises more than once.