InChargeMan's Story

June 22, 2019

Per some comments and PM request I'm posting my "story". My goal was not to make this a TL;DR (I can see that didn't work out). Summary is: Was BP, did the monkey dance, wasn't happy, found MRP, fixed me, helped wife find her submissive nature, now live in a wonderful 24/7 D/s relationship and I've now gone a full 360 and do believe that the fairy tale relationship can exist, you just have to re-write the book. Feel free to ask questions.

Disclaimer 1: I am no guru, these are my experiences, I am a sample size of 1, take value where you see it. I am not special, I make no assertion otherwise.
Disclaimer 2: I'm open to any questions, but OPSEC will be observed. If I choose I might respond with particulars through PM to flaired members.
Disclaimer 3: Some details have been changed for anonymity, but the core content is there.
Disclaimer 4: I did not/do not do everything "by the book" regarding MRP. I don't know if I could have gotten here a different way, but I'm very happy with where I am now and where I am headed.

Keep in mind, a man's journey is never complete, each new day is the first day of the rest of your life...

Starting point - Typical life/career progression: I followed society's step-by-step guide for success. I was naturally smart, somewhat lazy in HS but also very competitive when I cared, middle of the pack for popularity, above average athletically but didn't pursue athletics beyond HS and for personal enjoyment, had little/no game, had little direction from my father on women/dating. Met my wife-to-be early on in college, fell in love, stayed together for a long time, got married, had kids. Went to college for a hard degree in the sciences (found my motivation, kicked ass), worked really hard, went to grad school, worked really hard, supported my wife to pursue her career goals for years, worked really hard to support the family, worried endlessly about being the only source of income while wife pursued her goals and we have kids, ran my business all this time, stuck it out through very hard times, built it into something very successful, in my industry I am known. I am mid 30's, married, 3 kids, nice house, wife and I have respectable careers, nothing special. I have more money than most, lots of people have a lot more, so what, money really doesn't buy happiness once you get past the point where you are living paycheck to paycheck.

Relationship progression: Never got to deadbedroom, never got to harpy cunt, really most guys would have been in my shoes and been "happy". My wife is a naturally good person, very beautiful (side note: I know everybody has wife goggles, but as a stupid test the other day in a busy public area I wanted to see how many random women within a +5 - 15 year age range I would consider equally or more attractive than my wife, I got to 100 and stopped counting, although I live in USA, so that might not be saying much...), very smart, thin, healthy, weighs about the same that she did in college, good mom, etc. At first everything was peachy. We dated for a long time before being engaged and eventually married, waited a few years then had started having kids. We have great kids.

Act 1: Something seemed off. Before the wedding there were occasionally (I now know) shit tests. I didn't understand, I failed. At my wedding my Dad advised me "happy wife, happy life". Thanks Dad. Occasionally (once every couple of months) my wife would flip out about bullshit, I would DEER like a pussy, eventually things would calm down, but in the back of my mind I was always hyper aware of her emotional estate, wondering when the next egg shell might be stepped on. Sex never dried up, but it just wasn't a priority, and was only occasionally "hot". I tried negotiating desire, which was super effective. Unrelated to sex, sometimes I would just be plain confused, "I thought we were on the same team, why did you do/say that?" Eventually I found myself feeling more and more stressed, particularly when she was around or if I knew she would be soon. Then I started hearing voices. Not in an insane way, but in the way where I could hear what my wife would say if she were present, in my head, all the fucking time. She was a huge fan of declaring into the ether that something needs to get done, then complaining later that this thing didn't get done, even if it was some bullshit that didn't really need to get done. She might say "we", but she meant "you". For example, viewing media: I couldn't watch a goddamn movie in peace, it was like I was personally responsible for everything that ever happened in the world. "I don't know why they chose to have that actress dress that way and run in slow-mo, I didn't make the fucking movie, maybe call the director to complain, can I just relax and watch a movie please?" Sigh... A typical night where she was away at work I would sit in peace, enjoy the silence, watch a movie, then delete the viewing history to avoid having to justify my actions. A grown fucking adult who is very much in charge outside the home constantly in a state of stress about what his wife might think. That was my life.

Act 2: Remember when Neo saw the cat and had Deja Vu? I started to sense the presence of the matrix. I looked around at all of the other examples of relationships I saw with people I interacted with frequently. I observed how "men" spoke when they were not around their wives, I observed how the women spoke. Nobody was happy, everybody was delusional, and in many cases it seemed like everybody was trying to find a way to deaden the pain. The men were binge drinking, obsessing about TV sportsball and hiding in "man caves". The women were having ladies nights, complaining, trying to out-do the other moms at the PTA bake-off, and putting ALL of their energy into their kids, not into their husband. Shit, I did what they said, I'm highly educated, I work crazy hard, I have good money, nice house, nice neighborhood, I try so hard to make everybody happy, I do more than my fair share around the house and with the kids, I'm in decent physical shape, why am I not happy? Then there was the fight that broke the camel's back. The stupidest, gayest, you couldn't make this shit up kind of fight. What the actual fuck is going on here? (feel free to PM if you can stomach just how gay, too specific for OPSEC) Then I stumbled into TRP somehow, I don't remember why, probably one of the typical "Why doesn't she" google searches. It was interesting, but I'm not trying to bang randos, then I found MRP. It all clicked, in a fucking hurry too. I had the anger phase for sure. I lost attraction to my wife for a while too. It was like a mask had just been taken off. I thought I married this thing, but I got something else, I don't know who you are, that isn't who I love... After enough reading, studying, learning, I started to get really into the psychology and behavioral side of things, then I got to the point where I realized that she is not to be blamed, she is a victim of her biology, her upbringing, and society. I didn't lose something, I never had it. We both got what we wanted, just not what we needed. I was ready to change that. The biggest point though, is that my goal was NEVER to change her, it was to fix me.

Act 3: Tractor pull, not 3D Chess So many guys are trying to use TRP to outwit, outplay, outlast (thanks survivor) their wife. I am lucky to have not fallen into that trap, thanks for the heads up MRP! I have one life to live, I am not going to spend another minute worried about what some other person thinks, period. With that being said, I never stopped loving my wife, and honestly she never did anything wrong, she did what her programming told her to do. She really is a genuinely great person, she was just dancing to the wrong beat just like the rest of us. My plan was to fix me and while I'm at it see if I can help get my first mate on board, but that was always a secondary target. I was careful not to go rambo, but at the same time I had the mentality that I'm not getting any younger, and now that I can see the truth, I can't live a lie pussy-footing around, to me that is living in her frame still. During the process I learned about D/s relationships and it immediately clicked. This is what I need in my life. When I am away from the home I expect to be constantly under attack. When I get home I want zero conflict (not necessarily zero stress, there is a difference.) Why do some guys love fixing up old cars, or even changing their own oil for that matter? It for sure isn't less stress, that can be a lot of work, I believe it is the sense of contentment that comes from knowing that you have shaped this thing in your image, you are fully responsible for it, but you know that it will serve you well if you care for it. That is when I started really focusing on the concepts of needs and wants. IMO this is one of the most important things you need to understand. I plan on making a post soon specifically, but the point is that until you really understand yourself you cannot shape the world around you. I constantly maintain a list of needs and wants in my head. That list can absolutely change over time, but you must never waiver once you have determined what non-negotiable things you NEED in this life.

For me, on the early days, the list of what I needed was short. I needed respect, peacefulness at home, and good enthusiastic and frequent sex. I had been with my wife for 15+ years at this point. I planned for up to one year grace period, then after that if my needs were not being met, well, that wasn't an option, I decided that my needs will be met within 12 months of that day. I repeat, I decided that my needs would be met, period, no more, no less. I was hoping that would include my wife in my life, but that was on the want list. From that point to the mini-main event it was somewhat routine, you could do an MRP montage. Bringing us closer to D-day. There had been a number of push-back events, I was ready, every fucking time, I was ready. I had been learning, studying, thinking about this shit for 6+ months and she thinks she is going to put me back her her frame about something stupid, LOL, fat chance, this train only goes one direction now m'lady. I had my needs and wants down solid, and once you have that, it is like a goddamn cheat code for life. "Oh, you want me to __________, well, let me check my list.....nope, it doesn't help me with either my wants or needs list, so, you're going to have to draw a card and roll again." Sure, I was accused of being selfish, immature, insensitive, compared to a rapist (for real, you can't even make this shit up), but my resolve was relentless. I had spent most of my life experiencing the discomfort that comes from hard work, I can eat hard work for breakfast. From a relationship standpoint, I was steel. Now, is this Rambo? I don't think so. I didn't do shit to provoke her, I didn't argue, act immature, walk out of the house and disappear for 3 hours, threaten my wife about how I can get someone else, and I didn't tell her how to behave, at all. But, once I had my plan, once I knew the man I wanted to be, I flipped a switch. I was now version 2.0. I wasn't going to do the frog in boiling water thing. One day my wife discovered that she was now legally married to a different man. I was going to give her lots of room to get to know him, but there was going to be no slow introductions, he was here and this is his life to live. Every person who is allowed into my inner circle is in my frame, in my box, period. She checked every nook and cranny of that box, trying to find a weak spot, but there were none. Once the banging stopped, once she had accepted that my reality is the only reality relevant to me, I knew it was time for D-Day.

Act 4: Grand finale I knew I wanted a D/s relationship, whether or not it had that label didn't mean shit to me. If I'm checking my needs and wants list then I am good, period. If a want isn't met, no biggie, I'll think about ways to get that met, but it is ok if I never get there. Needs are met, period. Eventually things had gotten to the point where sex was hotter than ever (but not good, I'll explain in a bit), I was saying NO left and right, I was saying YES left and right, I was not asking for her opinion unless I NEEDED it, and I was establishing and defending boundaries, and I learned to think a lot about her needs, while giving zero fucks about her wants if they violate anything on my list. She was stressed, she felt the shift, she felt the dread, she didn't know where she stood with me, and by extension in the world. I knew her needs, even if she didn't. Above all things she needs security, guidance, and to feel that she is of value. She would ask me THE questions, you know the ones, the questions where everybody in the room knows the answer, but the guy will lie and the woman will be happy to accept that known lie. Homey don't play that. For example "Do you think about sex with other women? Are you going to cheat on me? Are you going to leave me one day? Would you remarry if we got divorced? If I died? Do you only care about yourself?" For fun, my answers: [Yes], [No (I don't cheat, I would tell you before I started fucking other women)], [if I'm not fulfilled yes], [Remarry, probably not, I would probably have girlfriends though], [same answer], [No, the list is kids, me, you]. She didn't like those answers, I would shrug, tell her next time don't ask questions she doesn't want to hear the answer to.

How 'bout the sex? It was getting a lot better, it was always good vanilla sex, but now it was different, hotter, but still not there, not for me. Remember my need for enthusiastic sex? The problem with "dread sex" is that you instinctively know that this isn't what she really "wants", it is what she is prepared to do to achieve her goals. The "Every unhappy wife is a rape victim" post really hit me hard. I don't want a woman to have sex with me because she has to, I want it because she wants to. Caveman? I literally cannot do it. It is just of no interest to me and an instant turn-off. Now she was in my frame, but she was still in the maze trying to figure out how to get to the point where all of here needs are met (although she didn't even really know what her needs were). Having sex out of fear that a guy will leave you (and still wondering how much is enough) isn't helping her feel secure. Eventually there were tears, she was at peak stress, had been bouncing around the maze for almost a year, and felt just generally lost. It was time to throw down the life line and see if she wanted to board my ship.

D-Day: I was about to leave for a business trip for a few days, I think she was worried I might cheat (not that I hinted like I would. I hold myself to the highest standard, and day one I was working to be the controlled and principled 2.0 man I wanted to be), she was just feeling insecure. She told me she was feeling stressed, didn't want me to leave, was worried for our relationship. I had her lay on my chest and we had a long talk. (So funny, most of my marriage when we slept she would face away and very rarely lay on my chest, now it is routine). I helped to guide her to understand why she felt the way she felt, but didn't placate her feelings, her feelings are hers, not mine. This is where I went OVERT, lots of talking, but not DEERing for sure. I told her my needs list, point blank, and that if my needs are met then our relationship is in good standing. She cried, hard. She felt bad that she had not been meeting my needs. I told her that she is not at fault, I am responsible for my needs. Those "impossible questions" came back again, they got the same answers again, but, this time it was different. She saw the light. My real and accurate answers aren't a threat, they are part of her roadmap. Her feeling of insecurity is gone when she realizes that she doesn't have to live up to some undefined standard to "keep" me, she just has to make sure my needs are met. This time my "bad" answers were the right answers. She tried to challenge, for example "So, you are saying if I don't have enough sex with you we will get divorced?" "I didn't say anything about divorce, I said that I need sex. If that time were to come, I would not cheat, I would inform you that my needs are not being met, and we would as a team discuss the options." She nodded in agreement. I explained to her that so many of our past relationship problems were related to insecurity and a constant struggle for power. She now could see that too. She had read 50 shades, so she knew about "D/s" relationships loosely, but frankly that book gets it way wrong. I told her that we can continue bouncing around through life, going through cycles of happiness and fights or depression, or we can start a new relationship 2.0, one where we are hyper focused on each other's needs. I told her to research real 24/7 D/s relationships while I was gone and we would talk when I got back.

She read until her eyes bled, learned all she could, basically took her own red pill, and when I got back we started our new relationship. It was awesome, we felt like teenagers again, and it hasn't stopped. We worked as a team to craft our relationship, take ownership of it. I am her dominant husband, she is my submissive wife. Her needs are BEFORE my needs. You read right. She has given herself over to me, she is mine, and I am responsible for her 100%. We have a signed contract, and she wears a symbolic collar 24/7. As such I am fully responsible for her needs, that is number one in my mission. The D/s hierarchy is sub's needs, dom's needs, dom's wants, sub's wants. Notice that her wants are at the end. Sometimes she doesn't get what she wants, I give her what she needs. She has rules for her behavior and rules for day to day tasks. If she breaks a rule she is punished with spankings. Every day we have time set aside to discuss her needs and wants as well as mine. She lives to serve me and make me happy. When she serves me well I make sure she feels very appreciated and valued for her efforts. This is how we meet all of her needs (Security, guidance and feeling of value), and she has unwavering guidance from me to make sure her needs are ultimately met, which really means making sure that my needs are met. She can now completely shut off these negative parts of her brain, they are unnecessary. She knows I am happy, and I make it abundantly clear if I am not. Our sex life is amazing. Not only do we do everything I could ever want, she is obsessed with my pleasure now. That is what gets her off. She can have an orgasm just from me cumming in her mouth. I of course praise her constantly for her good behaviors, but one of the worst things I can do is "let something slide", as that would tell her that I have lost interest in the relationship. She feels loved, cared for, safe, and highly valued. I feel incredibly satisfied, I enjoy my peaceful life at home, I love my family, and honestly do feel like a Disney marriage is attainable, it is just that we were looking in the wrong place. We have been in relationship 2.0 for a couple of years now, and it gets better every day.

I've already gone on way too long, if you have specific questions regarding how our day-to-day relationship runs feel free to ask. I hope this was of some value to some of you. As I said, I can't say that my path is the "right answer", maybe I just got really lucky, who knows, but I can say that I am forever indebted to all of those who have worked to make MRP what it is, and I'm all too happy to try to pass on the favor.

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Title InChargeMan's Story
Author InChargeMan
Upvotes 109
Comments 58
Date June 22, 2019 5:08 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MarriedRedPill
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