InChargeMan's Story

June 22, 2019

Per some comments and PM request I'm posting my "story". My goal was not to make this a TL;DR (I can see that didn't work out). Summary is: Was BP, did the monkey dance, wasn't happy, found MRP, fixed me, helped wife find her submissive nature, now live in a wonderful 24/7 D/s relationship and I've now gone a full 360 and do believe that the fairy tale relationship can exist, you just have to re-write the book. Feel free to ask questions.

Disclaimer 1: I am no guru, these are my experiences, I am a sample size of 1, take value where you see it. I am not special, I make no assertion otherwise.
Disclaimer 2: I'm open to any questions, but OPSEC will be observed. If I choose I might respond with particulars through PM to flaired members.
Disclaimer 3: Some details have been changed for anonymity, but the core content is there.
Disclaimer 4: I did not/do not do everything "by the book" regarding MRP. I don't know if I could have gotten here a different way, but I'm very happy with where I am now and where I am headed.

Keep in mind, a man's journey is never complete, each new day is the first day of the rest of your life...

Starting point - Typical life/career progression: I followed society's step-by-step guide for success. I was naturally smart, somewhat lazy in HS but also very competitive when I cared, middle of the pack for popularity, above average athletically but didn't pursue athletics beyond HS and for personal enjoyment, had little/no game, had little direction from my father on women/dating. Met my wife-to-be early on in college, fell in love, stayed together for a long time, got married, had kids. Went to college for a hard degree in the sciences (found my motivation, kicked ass), worked really hard, went to grad school, worked really hard, supported my wife to pursue her career goals for years, worked really hard to support the family, worried endlessly about being the only source of income while wife pursued her goals and we have kids, ran my business all this time, stuck it out through very hard times, built it into something very successful, in my industry I am known. I am mid 30's, married, 3 kids, nice house, wife and I have respectable careers, nothing special. I have more money than most, lots of people have a lot more, so what, money really doesn't buy happiness once you get past the point where you are living paycheck to paycheck.

Relationship progression: Never got to deadbedroom, never got to harpy cunt, really most guys would have been in my shoes and been "happy". My wife is a naturally good person, very beautiful (side note: I know everybody has wife goggles, but as a stupid test the other day in a busy public area I wanted to see how many random women within a +5 - 15 year age range I would consider equally or more attractive than my wife, I got to 100 and stopped counting, although I live in USA, so that might not be saying much...), very smart, thin, healthy, weighs about the same that she did in college, good mom, etc. At first everything was peachy. We dated for a long time before being engaged and eventually married, waited a few years then had started having kids. We have great kids.

Act 1: Something seemed off. Before the wedding there were occasionally (I now know) shit tests. I didn't understand, I failed. At my wedding my Dad advised me "happy wife, happy life". Thanks Dad. Occasionally (once every couple of months) my wife would flip out about bullshit, I would DEER like a pussy, eventually things would calm down, but in the back of my mind I was always hyper aware of her emotional estate, wondering when the next egg shell might be stepped on. Sex never dried up, but it just wasn't a priority, and was only occasionally "hot". I tried negotiating desire, which was super effective. Unrelated to sex, sometimes I would just be plain confused, "I thought we were on the same team, why did you do/say that?" Eventually I found myself feeling more and more stressed, particularly when she was around or if I knew she would be soon. Then I started hearing voices. Not in an insane way, but in the way where I could hear what my wife would say if she were present, in my head, all the fucking time. She was a huge fan of declaring into the ether that something needs to get done, then complaining later that this thing didn't get done, even if it was some bullshit that didn't really need to get done. She might say "we", but she meant "you". For example, viewing media: I couldn't watch a goddamn movie in peace, it was like I was personally responsible for everything that ever happened in the world. "I don't know why they chose to have that actress dress that way and run in slow-mo, I didn't make the fucking movie, maybe call the director to complain, can I just relax and watch a movie please?" Sigh... A typical night where she was away at work I would sit in peace, enjoy the silence, watch a movie, then delete the viewing history to avoid having to justify my actions. A grown fucking adult who is very much in charge outside the home constantly in a state of stress about what his wife might think. That was my life.

Act 2: Remember when Neo saw the cat and had Deja Vu? I started to sense the presence of the matrix. I looked around at all of the other examples of relationships I saw with people I interacted with frequently. I observed how "men" spoke when they were not around their wives, I observed how the women spoke. Nobody was happy, everybody was delusional, and in many cases it seemed like everybody was trying to find a way to deaden the pain. The men were binge drinking, obsessing about TV sportsball and hiding in "man caves". The women were having ladies nights, complaining, trying to out-do the other moms at the PTA bake-off, and putting ALL of their energy into their kids, not into their husband. Shit, I did what they said, I'm highly educated, I work crazy hard, I have good money, nice house, nice neighborhood, I try so hard to make everybody happy, I do more than my fair share around the house and with the kids, I'm in decent physical shape, why am I not happy? Then there was the fight that broke the camel's back. The stupidest, gayest, you couldn't make this shit up kind of fight. What the actual fuck is going on here? (feel free to PM if you can stomach just how gay, too specific for OPSEC) Then I stumbled into TRP somehow, I don't remember why, probably one of the typical "Why doesn't she" google searches. It was interesting, but I'm not trying to bang randos, then I found MRP. It all clicked, in a fucking hurry too. I had the anger phase for sure. I lost attraction to my wife for a while too. It was like a mask had just been taken off. I thought I married this thing, but I got something else, I don't know who you are, that isn't who I love... After enough reading, studying, learning, I started to get really into the psychology and behavioral side of things, then I got to the point where I realized that she is not to be blamed, she is a victim of her biology, her upbringing, and society. I didn't lose something, I never had it. We both got what we wanted, just not what we needed. I was ready to change that. The biggest point though, is that my goal was NEVER to change her, it was to fix me.

Act 3: Tractor pull, not 3D Chess So many guys are trying to use TRP to outwit, outplay, outlast (thanks survivor) their wife. I am lucky to have not fallen into that trap, thanks for the heads up MRP! I have one life to live, I am not going to spend another minute worried about what some other person thinks, period. With that being said, I never stopped loving my wife, and honestly she never did anything wrong, she did what her programming told her to do. She really is a genuinely great person, she was just dancing to the wrong beat just like the rest of us. My plan was to fix me and while I'm at it see if I can help get my first mate on board, but that was always a secondary target. I was careful not to go rambo, but at the same time I had the mentality that I'm not getting any younger, and now that I can see the truth, I can't live a lie pussy-footing around, to me that is living in her frame still. During the process I learned about D/s relationships and it immediately clicked. This is what I need in my life. When I am away from the home I expect to be constantly under attack. When I get home I want zero conflict (not necessarily zero stress, there is a difference.) Why do some guys love fixing up old cars, or even changing their own oil for that matter? It for sure isn't less stress, that can be a lot of work, I believe it is the sense of contentment that comes from knowing that you have shaped this thing in your image, you are fully responsible for it, but you know that it will serve you well if you care for it. That is when I started really focusing on the concepts of needs and wants. IMO this is one of the most important things you need to understand. I plan on making a post soon specifically, but the point is that until you really understand yourself you cannot shape the world around you. I constantly maintain a list of needs and wants in my head. That list can absolutely change over time, but you must never waiver once you have determined what non-negotiable things you NEED in this life.

For me, on the early days, the list of what I needed was short. I needed respect, peacefulness at home, and good enthusiastic and frequent sex. I had been with my wife for 15+ years at this point. I planned for up to one year grace period, then after that if my needs were not being met, well, that wasn't an option, I decided that my needs will be met within 12 months of that day. I repeat, I decided that my needs would be met, period, no more, no less. I was hoping that would include my wife in my life, but that was on the want list. From that point to the mini-main event it was somewhat routine, you could do an MRP montage. Bringing us closer to D-day. There had been a number of push-back events, I was ready, every fucking time, I was ready. I had been learning, studying, thinking about this shit for 6+ months and she thinks she is going to put me back her her frame about something stupid, LOL, fat chance, this train only goes one direction now m'lady. I had my needs and wants down solid, and once you have that, it is like a goddamn cheat code for life. "Oh, you want me to __________, well, let me check my list.....nope, it doesn't help me with either my wants or needs list, so, you're going to have to draw a card and roll again." Sure, I was accused of being selfish, immature, insensitive, compared to a rapist (for real, you can't even make this shit up), but my resolve was relentless. I had spent most of my life experiencing the discomfort that comes from hard work, I can eat hard work for breakfast. From a relationship standpoint, I was steel. Now, is this Rambo? I don't think so. I didn't do shit to provoke her, I didn't argue, act immature, walk out of the house and disappear for 3 hours, threaten my wife about how I can get someone else, and I didn't tell her how to behave, at all. But, once I had my plan, once I knew the man I wanted to be, I flipped a switch. I was now version 2.0. I wasn't going to do the frog in boiling water thing. One day my wife discovered that she was now legally married to a different man. I was going to give her lots of room to get to know him, but there was going to be no slow introductions, he was here and this is his life to live. Every person who is allowed into my inner circle is in my frame, in my box, period. She checked every nook and cranny of that box, trying to find a weak spot, but there were none. Once the banging stopped, once she had accepted that my reality is the only reality relevant to me, I knew it was time for D-Day.

Act 4: Grand finale I knew I wanted a D/s relationship, whether or not it had that label didn't mean shit to me. If I'm checking my needs and wants list then I am good, period. If a want isn't met, no biggie, I'll think about ways to get that met, but it is ok if I never get there. Needs are met, period. Eventually things had gotten to the point where sex was hotter than ever (but not good, I'll explain in a bit), I was saying NO left and right, I was saying YES left and right, I was not asking for her opinion unless I NEEDED it, and I was establishing and defending boundaries, and I learned to think a lot about her needs, while giving zero fucks about her wants if they violate anything on my list. She was stressed, she felt the shift, she felt the dread, she didn't know where she stood with me, and by extension in the world. I knew her needs, even if she didn't. Above all things she needs security, guidance, and to feel that she is of value. She would ask me THE questions, you know the ones, the questions where everybody in the room knows the answer, but the guy will lie and the woman will be happy to accept that known lie. Homey don't play that. For example "Do you think about sex with other women? Are you going to cheat on me? Are you going to leave me one day? Would you remarry if we got divorced? If I died? Do you only care about yourself?" For fun, my answers: [Yes], [No (I don't cheat, I would tell you before I started fucking other women)], [if I'm not fulfilled yes], [Remarry, probably not, I would probably have girlfriends though], [same answer], [No, the list is kids, me, you]. She didn't like those answers, I would shrug, tell her next time don't ask questions she doesn't want to hear the answer to.

How 'bout the sex? It was getting a lot better, it was always good vanilla sex, but now it was different, hotter, but still not there, not for me. Remember my need for enthusiastic sex? The problem with "dread sex" is that you instinctively know that this isn't what she really "wants", it is what she is prepared to do to achieve her goals. The "Every unhappy wife is a rape victim" post really hit me hard. I don't want a woman to have sex with me because she has to, I want it because she wants to. Caveman? I literally cannot do it. It is just of no interest to me and an instant turn-off. Now she was in my frame, but she was still in the maze trying to figure out how to get to the point where all of here needs are met (although she didn't even really know what her needs were). Having sex out of fear that a guy will leave you (and still wondering how much is enough) isn't helping her feel secure. Eventually there were tears, she was at peak stress, had been bouncing around the maze for almost a year, and felt just generally lost. It was time to throw down the life line and see if she wanted to board my ship.

D-Day: I was about to leave for a business trip for a few days, I think she was worried I might cheat (not that I hinted like I would. I hold myself to the highest standard, and day one I was working to be the controlled and principled 2.0 man I wanted to be), she was just feeling insecure. She told me she was feeling stressed, didn't want me to leave, was worried for our relationship. I had her lay on my chest and we had a long talk. (So funny, most of my marriage when we slept she would face away and very rarely lay on my chest, now it is routine). I helped to guide her to understand why she felt the way she felt, but didn't placate her feelings, her feelings are hers, not mine. This is where I went OVERT, lots of talking, but not DEERing for sure. I told her my needs list, point blank, and that if my needs are met then our relationship is in good standing. She cried, hard. She felt bad that she had not been meeting my needs. I told her that she is not at fault, I am responsible for my needs. Those "impossible questions" came back again, they got the same answers again, but, this time it was different. She saw the light. My real and accurate answers aren't a threat, they are part of her roadmap. Her feeling of insecurity is gone when she realizes that she doesn't have to live up to some undefined standard to "keep" me, she just has to make sure my needs are met. This time my "bad" answers were the right answers. She tried to challenge, for example "So, you are saying if I don't have enough sex with you we will get divorced?" "I didn't say anything about divorce, I said that I need sex. If that time were to come, I would not cheat, I would inform you that my needs are not being met, and we would as a team discuss the options." She nodded in agreement. I explained to her that so many of our past relationship problems were related to insecurity and a constant struggle for power. She now could see that too. She had read 50 shades, so she knew about "D/s" relationships loosely, but frankly that book gets it way wrong. I told her that we can continue bouncing around through life, going through cycles of happiness and fights or depression, or we can start a new relationship 2.0, one where we are hyper focused on each other's needs. I told her to research real 24/7 D/s relationships while I was gone and we would talk when I got back.

She read until her eyes bled, learned all she could, basically took her own red pill, and when I got back we started our new relationship. It was awesome, we felt like teenagers again, and it hasn't stopped. We worked as a team to craft our relationship, take ownership of it. I am her dominant husband, she is my submissive wife. Her needs are BEFORE my needs. You read right. She has given herself over to me, she is mine, and I am responsible for her 100%. We have a signed contract, and she wears a symbolic collar 24/7. As such I am fully responsible for her needs, that is number one in my mission. The D/s hierarchy is sub's needs, dom's needs, dom's wants, sub's wants. Notice that her wants are at the end. Sometimes she doesn't get what she wants, I give her what she needs. She has rules for her behavior and rules for day to day tasks. If she breaks a rule she is punished with spankings. Every day we have time set aside to discuss her needs and wants as well as mine. She lives to serve me and make me happy. When she serves me well I make sure she feels very appreciated and valued for her efforts. This is how we meet all of her needs (Security, guidance and feeling of value), and she has unwavering guidance from me to make sure her needs are ultimately met, which really means making sure that my needs are met. She can now completely shut off these negative parts of her brain, they are unnecessary. She knows I am happy, and I make it abundantly clear if I am not. Our sex life is amazing. Not only do we do everything I could ever want, she is obsessed with my pleasure now. That is what gets her off. She can have an orgasm just from me cumming in her mouth. I of course praise her constantly for her good behaviors, but one of the worst things I can do is "let something slide", as that would tell her that I have lost interest in the relationship. She feels loved, cared for, safe, and highly valued. I feel incredibly satisfied, I enjoy my peaceful life at home, I love my family, and honestly do feel like a Disney marriage is attainable, it is just that we were looking in the wrong place. We have been in relationship 2.0 for a couple of years now, and it gets better every day.

I've already gone on way too long, if you have specific questions regarding how our day-to-day relationship runs feel free to ask. I hope this was of some value to some of you. As I said, I can't say that my path is the "right answer", maybe I just got really lucky, who knows, but I can say that I am forever indebted to all of those who have worked to make MRP what it is, and I'm all too happy to try to pass on the favor.

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Post Information
Title InChargeMan's Story
Author InChargeMan
Upvotes 109
Comments 58
Date June 22, 2019 5:08 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MarriedRedPill
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[–]MrChad_Thundercock18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

“constantly in a state of stress about what his wife might think. That was my life.”

Can relate.

[–]rogerverygay12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Letting shit slide is still a pattern I am trying to break. I need to address immediately and without sugar coating. I have a tendency to wait too long and then over correct.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's kind of a joke but also has some truth to it: "Everything I know about D/s I learned from a parenting book."

Kids want to know that you are paying attention and that you care, my wife is the same. Also, one really important concept is that as she is "mine", my love for her is decoupled from behaviors. i.e. if I need to punish her it doesn't mean I love her less, not in the slightest, this is how I show her the love. It all leads back to needs, feeling cared for and secure is her biggest need. She has my unconditional love.

[–]42gauge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Which parenting book?

[–]Reject44412 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We all shit on the “Happy wife, happy life” advice, but the thing is, it’s not wrong—it’s just that the things society had conditioned us to believe we need to do to make her “happy”—being a submissive beta wimp, catering to her every whim—actually make both husband and wife miserable instead of happy. Making yourself a better man and captain with a demonstrably unshakeable frame that she knows she can be safe in is the way to make a wife TRULY happy, and if you do that you CAN have a happy life, as InChargeMan’s story demonstrates.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Those "impossible questions" came back again, they got the same answers again, but, this time it was different. She saw the light. My real and accurate answers aren't a threat, they are part of her roadmap. Her feeling of insecurity is gone when she realizes that she doesn't have to live up to some undefined standard to "keep" me, she just has to make sure my needs are met.

I am still not where I want to be and still get questions and comments that show she hasn't crossed over into full security. Yesterday she said "You are the type of guy to have sex with 10 different women a day and still not be satisfied." She still watches me out at bars when I get looks from girls who are younger than her and feels the weight of trying to please me and keep me happy.

I relate to this in many ways and you give me hope for my future. I am on top of the mountain but only half way up.

Excellent fucking post. I am going to chew on this for a bit and come up with some questions to PM you if that is ok. What you describe is exactly what I want.

The part about her having an orgasm from you cumming in her mouth is unfathomable. There are levels to this shit and it sounds like you are at the top.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yesterday she said "You are the type of guy to have sex with 10 different women a day and still not be satisfied."

If you imagine your wife as the mouse, the cheese as your ideal relationship, then you are building the maze. The goal is not to make it hard for her to get there. You can't tell her what to do, but you can also not confuse her by having lots of dead-ends.

My point? You need to nudge her in the right direction. My response to a statement like that would be: "You are absolutely correct, I probably could fuck 10 sluts in a day and not be satisfied. To be satisfied I need an emotional connection.......and a shit ton of sex." An answer like that both confirms her fears that you need lots of sex to be happy, but gives her hope that she could be the right girl for the job and if she can pass muster she can count on you not leaving her for randos.

The part about her having an orgasm from you cumming in her mouth is unfathomable.

It is like night and day. Nowadays she might daydream about pleasing me for an hour, soaking wet by the time I am home. One time years ago I literally negotiated her sucking me off, something like, if you suck me off for a minute I'll do some house chore. She said ok, gave the worlds saddest blowjob for 60 seconds on the dot, then walked away to leave me to my chore. Jesus Christ, I wish I had a time machine...

[–]simbarlion4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great story, lots of value. I particularly agree with the comments about fear and dread.

Oh, and username checks out.

[–]RStonePT2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Crazy to go back to the beginning and see this now.

Well deserved man, well earned

[–]InChargeMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sure every man has them, but there are these memories of beta bullshit that will pop in and remind me how far things have changed but also can be encouraging to see how much power I had/have to shape the world to fit my vision.

[–]HornsOfApathy2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Fantastic post. Just one question.

I've been in the process of building the security and safety piece of our relationship that also includes my frame as an escape. In some way, this has some similar qualities to your D/s relationship.

My question is - what real paths are there to take in your experience once the sexual safety and security have been built - is D/s the only one you thought of? I'm sure you contemplated this at some point. Thanks.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm not completely sure what you are asking.

There are a number of different "flavors". D/s doesn't necessarily require punishments or kink really, it is just the concept that in the framework of the relationship both parties are accepting of their role. The captain and first mate analogy applies, just maybe with the D/s relationship being more formal.

You can look up 24/7 D/s, domestic discipline, taken in hand, and power exchange relationships as a start. The idea is that you get to create your own vision and follow it, your opinion is all that matters.

[–]42gauge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do you have any articles or books which you think would be good places to start?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Great post ICM. I'm taking the inspiration from your story, and running with it today.

Right now I'm figuring out what my needs and wants are in my life.

Question: Did you know from the beginning what your needs/wants were? Did you put anything down as a 'want', then change it to a 'need', or vice versa?

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For me it was "Is this something I am willing to nuke a marriage over?" It took a lot of thought and self searching to determine my needs. It is very important not to mess this up, and it could be that you have zero when you start, and that is ok.

Yes, over time some things did move from want to need. Kind of like once you have good steak you can't go back. If things went back from need to want I would wonder if it was ever really a need.

[–]rocknrollchuck2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Awesome post!

Disclaimer 4: I did not/do not do everything "by the book" regarding MRP. I don't know if I could have gotten here a different way, but I'm very happy with where I am now and where I am headed.

This is essential for men coming here to understand. Everyone should take the toolbox approach and fit things to their specific situation, using the ideas laid out here to create a custom path that fits their unique wants and needs. No two paths are the same. This is a big part of what separates those who succeed from those who fail.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

True, but also, if you are totally lost it is helpful to stick to the highways...

A few differences that come to mind for me are that I wasn't willing to slowly change myself (1000 foot rope model) and use her reactions as a gauge to how fast I should progress. That felt like being in her frame. Once I saw the matrix for what it was I wasn't going to spend another day behaving in ways that I don't want to. Instead of taking it slow, I went full speed to being the man I wanted to be and didn't worry too much about how or why she might choose to adapt or leave. This is what I did, and probably a bad idea :)

Also, I was never interested in the possibility of cheating, so that wasn't on my list of dread options. I guess that goes back to my first point a bit. I wanted to be the man I wanted to be. I don't want to be a man who cheats, it is not interesting to me in the least. I told my wife that I will not cheat, not because of my love for her, but the love I have for myself. I told her she will know if I am sleeping with other women.

Not that I want to, but if I need to have sex with other women I want to be a man who can look his wife right in the eyes and tell her "I need sex with other women. I am going to start doing this soon. I understand that this is going to be upsetting to you, that makes me sad too, but it doesn't change my choice. Please take some time to think about this. When you are ready we will talk about the next steps."

[–]theunconquored2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This was really interesting to read, because it so closely mirrors my story. I too wanted a D/s relationship but was never strong enough to admit it or ask for it until I had improved myself to a point where I had the confidence to stand up for what I wanted.

Now, my wife wears a locking titanium collar and gets off on pleasing me at any cost. She was a bit slower than your wife to come around to the idea due mostly to her extremely conservative upbringing, but once she realized that she was already living in a D/s relationship in a lot of ways based on my frame and self improvement, and that formalizing it only stood to make it better, she got on board and has succeeded in impressing me over and over and over again.

There are lots of ways to skin a cat, and lots of ways to maintain frame and to successfully implement a MAP and incorporate RP principles into a marriage. I believe that D/s inside a marriage is a great option for those who are so inclined.

Kudos, my man.

[–]RPeed2 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

  1. How long since D day?

  2. How deep did you go into the D/S theory?

  3. You previously mentioned focusing on overt/covert contracts everywhere (Guess I didn’t realize you meant it so literally). How does this affect other relationships?

  4. How do kids fit in? I.e. what considerations do you make to their perception of the relationship?

EDIT: what is your definition of needs vs wants.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 4 points5 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

About 2 years. D/s theory? I'm not sure what you mean. From a behavioral science standpoint, I went pretty deep, but really a lot of it is the same stuff we say in MRP, just sometimes with different words.

I have the believe that people (really all creatures) are really just working to achieve their needs with as little risk as possible. The way our relationship is structured her dread level is reset to near zero, she feels highly valued, and she feels a deep sense of love/contentment that comes from knowing that I am always there as her emotional and physical backstop.

Yes, regarding contracts I see all relationships in this way, which is actually very helpful in business. It does require more mental load, in that you are always working to determine what everybody's true needs are, but once you do that it makes life easy. Particularly when managing employees, customers, and in negotiations, it is key.

To the outside world our relationship really doesn't look much different, just that we are happy. The kids observe decision making, so they inherently understand that I have the final say, but my wife is also an awesome first mate, so she handles lots of things on her own. Check out this post. Family or friends might notice that she will always check with me on decisions, where maybe some might think it is abnormal, but most will just see it as her being respectful. For example, if one of her work friends wants to go out to dinner with her, she will say "That sounds fun, I'll check with my husband." Then check with me. Another wife might say "Yeah, lets do it, I'll let my husband know." Kink stuff, punishments, etc. all happen behind closed doors.

Needs vs wants is not easy to define, it depends on the individual. For me a needs is core to who you are. They are either important for life – like food, money, shelter or they are vital for your long term happiness, well being and emotional state of mind. For example, I need frequent high quality enthusiastic sex, I want a clean house. My wife helps to fulfill my wants, but if I miss some it won't change much.

[–]RPeed0 points1 point  (13 children) | Copy Link

Guess I’m not sure I see the difference between what’s compelled by high dread and what’s compelled by an overt contract in marriage.

Agree it works well in other areas, although I have suffered from being too direct/open in the past. Not everyone will get it.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 2 points3 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

Here's a quote from Office Space: "But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired."

I agree that there is crossover, but to me the differentiation is the stress that comes from not knowing if she is doing "enough" to keep her high value man. Especially if her man keeps improving i.e. moving the goalposts. In my relationship my wife knows what is expected of her, receives regular praise for her successes as well as discipline for her failures. The key is that there is no covert contract where my "love" for her is tied to some unspoken standard I want her to meet, or even more true of traditional relationships, a standard set by other women that could be competing for my attention. My love for her is truly unconditional. She is mine, she is my responsibility, her failures are my failures. If she messes up, she knows full well I will be disappointed, understands that there may be a punishment, but also is still fully secure in her role as my wife.

[–]RPeed0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy Link

It’s interesting. This is probably my wife’s ideal relationship... not sure it’s mine though. Maybe my second wife.

Although if it solves the thing with movies. Fuck: I tell my wife they don’t give me editor’s notes, she knows as much as I do.

On theory I meant, have you got a suggested reading list of something? I get , and appreciate, it’s your creation regardless of label but ideas like a contract must have come from something specific.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

I really just googled and read everything I found and took note of things I liked. There are examples of contracts online, but I never liked any of them, so I made my own. It is a few pages long, covers the motivation and expectations for me and my wife. It is not terribly specific with specific details though, that didn't seem appropriate, since the specifics can be variable.

For example, it doesn't say that "dirty dishes must never be in the sink". It does say something like "She will work to the best of her ability to perform tasks asked of her expediently and completely."

I didn't show her any rough drafts until I felt like it was done. I showed it to her expecting there to be a bit of a negotiation on some of the points, but I was pleasantly surprised when the first thing she said after reading it was "where's the pen?"

[–]simbarlion0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

For it to work, your zero dread + unconditional love must be equaled with her having zero reason to leave + total faith in where the ship is going.

Its really just describing 'win win', as oppose to dread which is win lose.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Total faith for sure. Reasons to leave? Well, AWALT, I don't kid myself. If the right Chad came along who knows. But, being married to her is not on my needs list, so we're good either way. As my sub I wish her happiness. If she needs to leave to be happy then who am I to say different, I'll even help her pack up the car. In general though, everything in life is about risk/reward in my opinion, so why would she risk messing up a good thing, pretty unlikely.

[–]RPeed0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think whisper’s “thing that you really want” post was close but what men really crave is dominance in all areas of their life. Unfortunately most don’t understand the difference between “dominance” and “control”.

This comment within the context of the OP is a good illustration of the difference.

Good discussion. Look forward to 12 months of “decided on a BDSM marriage am I doing it right?” in askMRP.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Look forward to 12 months of “decided on a BDSM marriage am I doing it right?” in askMRP.

Lol, sorry guys.

I don't know what men really crave. I just care about what I crave.

[–]RPeed0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

I think for many people dread is going to result in some genuine, win win, desire.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yes, desire if it is from the fact that you are improving, but there is a difference between a woman putting out in order to prevent her man from leaving and the intense desire she might have for her Alpha.

[–]RPeed0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Not quite what I’m saying: I think there is something to be said for competition anxiety creating genuine, biological arousal.

I agree if she’s wearing a ball gag it’s likely a more sexually charged relationship.

[–]42gauge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

>From a behavioral science standpoint, I went pretty deep
Which books did you read?

[–]RedPill-BlackLotus4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I really like the advice you give and your story only makes it better. Your experience really lines up with weakandsensitives stfu post, in particular the frank talk about expectations after you have established changed behaviour over time.

I tell my wife shit, when it benefits me. And i have a tone and an opening when I start it. "Come here darling, there is something I want to tell you because it benefits me". Then words come out.

I guess they have to see where enthusiasm in the bedroom gets them what THEY want.

This shit is fun, its like a side quest when your mission is in a slow point.

[–]JCX_Pulse1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great write up. Looking forward to you going more in depth with additional posts.

Seems like you started with a strong foundation, in terms of picking a HQ woman to start with. When you found you, she could be herself.

[–]waitshhhhhh 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

Fantastic post. What resources did you use to build your and her understanding of a D/s relationship?

And what type of punishments do you use and for what reasons?

My wife really enjoys D/s style rough sex but I think if actual punishments were involved she’d resent the fuck out of it. Spamming for fun is one thing. Spanking because the kitchen wasn’t clean or dinner wasn’t ready is another.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I read a lot of blogs, both from a man and woman point of view. I felt it was very important to understand the experience from her perspective, to help her unlock parts of her that she didn't quite understand yet. The big picture is realizing that every relationship is different, and I was done playing by other people's playbook. I worked to create our new relationship to meet my vision.

Punishments are usually spankings. They are never done in anger, always as an aid to improvement as well as a way for her to "release" herself of the guilt of disappointing me. I can imagine this might be somehow similar to "confession" at a catholic church. You did a bad thing, you will do something to make up for it, but god still loves you.

During sex I might do a little spanking, but this is completely different, there is zero sexual component to punishments.

[–]Art_Martin1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Amazing. Your value to her must be stratospheric.

Was your wife always a 'pleaser' wife in your version 1 relationship? Ie did things for you, prioritised you in non sexual ways? Was she 'needy' in any way? Was she lost? Did she completely change in v2?

To us relative newbies reading this, with wives who don't possess any of the above attributes, as well as not really showing they need 'security, guidance, and to feel that she is of value' - it's like reading something from another planet with women from another species.

Point is, do you think you just brought qualities she always possessed/wanted to the surface - or did you innately rewire her to be a feminine submissive woman from a base where she was not innately like that at all?

[–]InChargeMan[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

No, she wasn't particularly a pleaser, she wasn't needy either. No, she never particularly prioritized me, but she wouldn't ignore me either, just sort of a relationship on autopilot focused on all sorts of external things like jobs and making kids. We had lots of good times before MRP, and not a ton of bad times like a lot of guys. Really most guys would probably have been happy enough, it just felt off to me, and once I found MRP it changed everything in terms of how I viewed the relationship and myself.

All creatures need something, so what does your wife want? From what I can tell most women want about the same things, maybe slightly different order of priority, but mostly the same. Keep in mind, just like most men, they likely don't exactly know what they need.

Point is, do you think you just brought qualities she always possessed/wanted to the surface - or did you innately rewire her to be a feminine submissive woman from a base where she was not innately like that at all?

That is a good question. I'd like to think that these are things that were lurking below the surface, but I am guessing that it is a combination of that plus her brain learning that positive feelings result when she behaves certain ways. She was by no means unfeminine, and has always looked sexy, but now she revels and actively enjoys the beauty and pleasure that goes along with her femininity. She now rejects modern feminism lol, she reads books that could be considered RP and tells me about them, ha. "Oh really, isn't that interesting".

[–]Art_Martin0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Thanks. What a dramatic transformation. Did you make some really significant changes to yourself before you went OVERT that increased your value to such a point where the alternative (her leaving if she didnt like the D/S dynamic) was just not a realistic option for her? or maybe it wasnt even necessary as you sold the narrative to her as a net positive for her and she came along rather than being 'forced'(for want of a better word) along by your high value to her.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Good question, I probably wasn't clear enough, but to be fair there are way too many words there already.

Most of my "transformation" was in my head and as a result in my behavior and attitude. I was already lean to begin with, I did add a modest amount of muscle, but to be honest I don't believe that physical changes had much to do with it. I completely get the "STFU and lift" mantra, for me I didn't see as much value in it, not that it doesn't have value by any means, but the low hanging fruit was my attitude on life, that shit can change in a hurry, and I wasn't about to wait around for my body to catch up. I was already well versed in the experience of "doing something difficult", so I didn't particularly need more challenge in that respect. Also, I wonder if hitting magical targets for BF% and 1RM can become a crutch where a man will use this to run out the clock instead of getting busy fixing his shit. Again, not shitting on lifting in any way, just pointing out that there are lots of jacked BP dudes. Over the year I gained about 10 lbs, maintained around 15% bf. Nothing to write home about, but I would say I look pretty good when wearing a well tailored shirt. Also, most guys are disgusting slobs, so the relative competition isn't exactly elite.

Increasing social circle as well as allowing my wife to see other women who were interested in me was for sure helpful, both to me and her. The validation from other women hitting on you can help to fuel the ship while you are pushing through the inevitable storm that comes when your wife tries to rage against the changes to the status quo.

I never presented D/s to her as her only option, it was presented as AN option in a reaction to her expressed stress from uncertainty with her place in my world. This is how I planned for things to progress, but I needed her to get to that point on her own. If it didn't work for her: "that is fine, lets talk about what can work, as long as my needs are met"

[–]Art_Martin0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Cheers. I think its helpful for us guys to see clear examples that a steady, multifaceted approach to improving the man first and foremost as the end goal in itself often leads to the outcomes in others the man is hoping to achieve. This is RP philosophy in action - us newbies I suppose should be encouraged to go read the history of the MRP Approved posters to realise most grappled with the same issues as the rest of us not that long ago.

For our benefit, as you seem happy to answer questions - as you were improving yourself, was there a particular thing that provided the greatest sense of improvement in your journey(as you said it wasnt lifting) -and what about the things that had the most impact on your wife in her overall attitute to you as you were improving.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As mentioned I had developed this nearly literal voice in my head which was constantly telling me what my wife would say if she were there, and after being with her for so long I would say that voice was pretty fucking accurate too. Before MRP it really started to feel like I was in a constant state of stress. The biggest changes for me were to realize that I am my only judge, period. I would say my attitude change was the biggest improvement, and that changed in a hurry. What lagged is my behaviors to mirror that attitude, kind of like learning to ride a bike I guess.

At first it seemed uncomfortable and difficult, but as time went on it became more comfortable, and now it is second nature. Ironically my inner nagging voice was a benefit here, since I could predict shit tests long before they came, and it gave me lots of time to think about how the man I want to be would respond. It's pretty funny actually, imagine if a comedian being heckled could pause time as long as it took to come up with a really snappy comeback. The audience would be very impressed, "this guy is legit". Occasionally that nagging voice will come back even today, but I don't mind, it is a reminder of what used to be, a reminder to keep pushing and growing. I punch that voice in the fucking nose then go do something manly :)

[–]CaliEd2561 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dom / Sub relationships are the best. I love that 50 Shades paved the way for the discussion.

It’s what most women want, once you take away the bullshit feminism has brainwashed them into.

[–]suprathepeg0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m curious how you address her need to be valued?

[–]InChargeMan[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

We talk a lot about the values that we bring to the relationship and the family, and particularly how different doesn't mean less valued. One of the big problems with modern feminism is how the feminists decided that whatever men have must be the good stuff, and that is how we need to decide value. It's crazy, these women decided that the things that make women special are of no value, and instead decided that the things that make men special are the only things of value. Apparently masculinity is only bad if a man does it, if a woman does it then she is empowered. They decided that femininity is a bad word. It's nuts.

A big part of our dynamic is constant praise when she serves me or the relationship well. A "good girl" makes her melt into my arms.

[–]suprathepeg0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]Reach1800 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great post. Thanks.

So as you deviate from mrp orthodoxy, was there anything you read that influenced you to go the route you chose? Or did it just kind of click as you started on the first few steps?

Was that a feel thing for you? This feels right, this works, I don't need this, etc?

[–]JDRoedell0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I needed respect, peacefulness at home, and good enthusiastic and frequent sex.

I like how you differentiate wants and needs. I very recently had to reset a boundary with my wife related to me having a drama free zone at home. That’s one of my needs.

I too have always advocated, against a lot of advice here, that being strategically overt at key times isn’t always a bad idea. It’s ALWAYS after you’ve made yourself a valuable man though. Men forget that the feminine primary conditioning has negatively affected women too. Some need more than subconscious behavioral re-conditioning that MRP offers to “get it.”

[–]CaliEd2560 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m in a one sided open relationship. I fuck other women, she fucks me.

You can’t be covert about that shit. “This is what I envision for the perfect wife. I’m excited about you being that for me.”

And they fall into line, or they cry and leave.

[–]BluepillProfessor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

It is so liberating when you realize that not giving a fuck about her bad behavior doesn't mean you stop giving a fuck about her.

She can have an orgasm just from me cumming in her mouth.

That is just next level!


Serious question. Is there a relationship between spankings and oral orgasms? Inquiring minds!

[–]InChargeMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Serious question. Is there a relationship between spankings and oral orgasms? Inquiring minds!

I have no idea. It used to be don't finish in my mouth, then finish once in a while and I'll spit, gag and make you feel bad for enjoying it, then finish in my mouth I'll spit it out after, then I'll always swallow, now it is part of a balanced diet...

[–]red-sfpplus-3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You slip up, even just a little and you will not only loose the D/S relationship but the marriage as well.

I could argue, one is actually valuable to have.

Stay frosty.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol, that's not how any of this works.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My wife is in charge in my relationship, and we have great sex. I give her head pretty much daily, and she is constantly groping me, touching me etc, pushing me down and riding me. She even likes to peg me sometimes.

So I dont think being the D in a D/s relationship is really necessary for such a relationship to work. They work because of their nature -- service, openness to experiences, communication etc not because the man is the D partner.

I mean, when she orders me to fuck her hard, I do it. That happens rarely, but sometimes she just wants me to be the top every once and awhile. Its all about listening to your partners needs, and fulfilling them to the best of your ability.

[–]jerrymcguiver0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Some guys are subs. I'm my own judge.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I agree, female led D/s relationships do exist, and I have not doubt that benefits you list are just as strong. It may not be common, but the only people who's opinion matter are you and her. MRP is likely not going to be for you, though.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Probably but for some reason it was recommended to me, so I made my way to your post.

[–]TesticlesTheElder-3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What are your lifts?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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