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Low libido ltr with high libido men

May 16, 2019
2 upvotes

Hi, hello all,

I have been lurking here on this thread for a while now and this is my first post on the thread here.

I have been here for about a year and I finally come around to asking questions here that I didnt seem to find a definitive answer for in the books - nor did I find a relevant articla that could put things into perspective for me.

I dont want to go into too much details with regards about the relationship I am in since from what I have been reading here it really has been boiling down to men wanting better and more fulfilling sexual relationships with a woman and my story is no different than the others.

I have been with this woman for a while now - living together as well for a couple of months and she is someone I can see building a life together with.

My problem specifically boils down to her low libido and from an outside perspectice even the lack thereof.

Since the beginning of the relationship it always seemed to me that sex for her is not really a priority (there were times in her life that she went without sex - or self pleasure for years without problems) whilst on the other hand I am a real sex hamster and always have been.

I have been applying dread on her for the last 3-4 months or so with regularly hitting the gym, having a social life and generally taking up the mantle of leadership and being the men in the relationship - which she has been taking quite positively and reciprocated affection regulary - though in a non-sexual way.

What I have been missing - and this is not exactly something i have been able to fully internalize within myself - or even be able to specifically describe up until this point - is lets out put it this way - sexual desire/wantingness to be fucked at all.

Sure, we have regular sex and she gives me basically anything that I ask for - though I never feel that she is actually getting an enjoyment out of it.

And that is exactly my problem. I want to feel lusted for. I want her to be at a point where she is quivering for me to give her a good dicking but she either just doesnt have the sexual drive for this or has barriers that even she is unaware of that blocks her from letting herself enjoy sex and fully immerse herself in the act.

Based on my suggestion she has been seeing a therapist to have her personal issues sorted out by a professional (neither of us are from the states btw and what i get is her problems are deeply rooted in abandonment issues by her parents - she is half russian and at the collapsenof the ussr her mother had to go back to russia when she was little due to visa/ nationality issues and she got left here with her father causing her to feel unwanted/ inadequate in lot of ways)

What im looking for suggestions from you guys is this:

  1. how should I have this conversation with her about this issue of mine without me making it sound like im giving her an ultimatum or pushing her intona corner like - you must start giving me better sex or otherwise
  2. are there any materials that give guidance on the subject
  3. would be interested in any anecdotal evidence/stories where you have encountered something similar.

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[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Genuine desire is non-negotiable, dude.

[–]abratoki[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

She does have geniune desire - though I think she doesnt know how to express it sexually.

It comes down to mental barriers and blocks she has within herself

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To a certain extent, yes, mental blocks can be broken down. But mostly, just accept that some women are broken and you can't do much to change them.

Desire is not negotiable.

[–]SepeanMRP APPROVED2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I have a fearful avoidant wife and has a lot of experience with that. Does this https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/fearful-avoidant/ sound like her?

[–]abratoki[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

yes this describes her very well in some extent. Instead of intimacy she is pushing me away at times or have trouble even expressing intimacy.

So what did you do?

[–]SepeanMRP APPROVED3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

First, it is very important that she is actually fearful-avoidant and reacts to emotional intimacy and signs of affection by rejecting you, but if you go distant she gets fearful and seeks to get in your good grace again.

This is something I posted from 3 years ago, it's different now between us but for you I expect it still applies:

If you can get your wife to take this test http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl it will tell you.

If she is fearful-avoidant, you will likely have seen a cycle of you being nice which makes her mean which makes you angry which makes her nice which makes you nice, repeat.

If she is FA like my wife here's how I found she reacted to our level of emotional connection.

Intimate (not sexual): she freaks out and tries to distance herself or push me away, be mean, etc. It brings on a barrage of shit testing. Hugging, cuddling, stroking her hair, probing her feelings, talking lovingly, I had to remove all of that. I don't think you can ever really have that with an FA. Now I can be her oak and she will snuggle up to me and rest her head on my chest, but it seems she first had to learn that I will not respond by attempting more intimacy or emotional connection.

Not showing her any attention but doing stuff around the house/with the kids: This is probably the state she is most comfortable in. In MRP this may be the default OI behavior for her not living up to your standards, and women without attachment will become slightly uncomfortable and seek to regain some attention. An FA wife will not do that. To correct her behavior you will have to "check out".

"Checking out": I don't know if this is the right word, but this is how I think about it. You emotionally check out of the relationship for a period. Leave the house. Be selfish. Shift chores you'd do unto her. Hog the TV and watch stuff she doesn't like. You need to do this more often and for smaller things than most others. Make her earn her way back in your good favor. And don't be afraid to ramp it up - at this point the other end of her attachment issues begin to work in your favor. She will freak out more than women without attachment issues and be willing to do more to get back in your favor. Just be careful of not seeming butthurt since that isn't sexy, shoot for something more along the lines of her not living up to your expectations, so why does it matter what she wants. Down the line I had to stay "disappointed" for longer even as she tried to earn her way back in, because she seemed to get the idea she could be a bitch and then just fuck me when she wanted me back. For now, reward good behavior right away, but you may have to change tactics later to beat her girl game.

END OF OLD POST

This next section is what I wrote (well almost, edited a bit so it makes sense without his quotes) a year or so ago to another guy with an FA wife on how to get her to open up sexually:

Later she still had her insecurities that flared up when we got too close emotionally or the sex got too good, and she'd flip out on an avoidance trip. That's been the main long term issue to solve.

Along with the usual stuff, I had to get a lot more demanding, tell her exactly what I wanted from her, even if it was uncomfortable for her or required her to act, and actually pull up my pants and walk out during sex and go completely distant until she complied. This is not for low SMV, this is when you've established your alphaness and she doesn't doubt that your frame is rock solid and you're going to get what you want.

On general advice: build your SMV. Cut way back on affection and comfort. Be very demanding and dominant and enforce boundaries. Be very careful rewarding her with affection, it easily triggers her avoidance. Don't give in to her outbursts and try to placate her, but don't say shit like "I'll leave if you threaten to leave again" because she'll do it again. She will find out what to say to make you freak out and she'll hit that weak spot again and again. If you tell her what sets you off, she'll use it - don't tell her "never to say that again" because that's like handing her an argument manual. Go with AM, laugh at her and lay out her how reactions are so predictable. If she really oversteps the line, go full caveman angry, but no ultimatums.

And just so you know, once you have her submissive, her avoidance begins being a real fucking problem that the other guys here don't have. Submissiveness is very intimate and that triggers fearful-avoidants.

END OF OLD MESSAGE

That should give you a good starting point, and enough to test the waters.

Feel free to ask or tag me in future posts.

[–]orangesof19841 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Her desire is out of your control.

[–]ImplodedVeggies1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If she gives you “basically anything you ask for” try getting her to take Maca root. Boosts female libido, could be a short term fix, or at least show her she could enjoy sex if she wanted it more.

I don’t know much about this, but that’s what my dumbass would try lol

Good luck

[–]donmcde0 points1 point  (13 children) | Copy Link

Are you making it 'safe' for her to be sexual with you? Are you judgemental to other pople's kinks? If she is, do you go along with her? Are you gaming her?

My wife had issues and didn't have her first orgasm until she was 26 and even told me her ideal relationship would involve no sex. Just be a safe place for her to be sexual and don't be a judgemental cunt, even especially when she is. Be sexual without expecting sex. Be sexual where it's logistically impossible to have sex.

I don't know man, I can't think of that one weird trick I did. Good sex is a side effect.

[–]abratoki[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

What can I make it her to be safe? What should I be reading?

[–]donmcde2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well, you can't really 'make' her feel any type of way. You just create the environment that invites the behavior you want.

She won't magically read your mind and do the things that will make you feel lusted after. You're not responsible for her feelings and I dare say, she's not responsible for yours either. Don't use sex as a comfort test for her.

Keep in mind though, you probably just have a super submissive woman on your hands in which case, the path forward is going to be counter intuitive for you.

[–]abratoki[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

As in be more aggressive and controlling?

[–]redwall92-3 points-2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

You want to make her feel safe? Marry her. For sure path to safety for her, man. She will never feel safer ... or hornier.

Safe = hoOorny

[–]learn-relearn1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

You're fucking crazy if you marry this girl. Safe can and does very often lead to complacency.

[–]abratoki[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thats exactly my thoughts as well. What i told her is that marriage is something she has to earn rather than me giving her after a certain time

[–]NabroleonBonaparte4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The OP recommending to “just marry her” is trolling you.

He’s doing so because you’re in a horribly BP situation. There’s only one solution and it’s to try your next option that doesn’t involve so many complications.

You do have other and better options right?

If yes, then why are you so set in negotiating this one girl to desire you more?

You say she has to earn marriage, but that’s not true.

What you’re actually communicating (and asking everyone to justify) is that if you can force her to jump through a few hoops to APPEAR to desire you, you’re willing to compromise and marry her regardless.

You know and everyone here knows, and perhaps even she knows which is why she is so erratic, that you don’t feel you deserve a woman who actually desires you. You want whatever comes the easiest, and you’re willing to play this game of helping her with her mental health in order to convince yourself that this is a worthwhile relationship and that you’ve found true love.

She isn’t dumping you because having you is better than no one and your even willing to provide emotional support to boost her up.

Don’t be surprised if you get married and she’s finally stable and starts cheating on you with some guy who won’t even invest half of what you’re willing to, after all is said and done

[–]abratoki[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I dont necessarily agree with this.

I usually say that she has to work for marriage as an answer to a shit tests she throws at me or in more serious discussions when we talk about our future explicitly stating what my expectations and needs are and where she is falling short of meeting said expectations and needs.

I geniuenly don't want to marry this girl now or anytime in the near future simply because we are not there yet nor do I want to get married (with anyone) in the near future.

I am completely okay with moving forward and hitting next on this girl if I dont feel that the current situation improves - just note that I am the type of man that is willing to give 100% and go all the way before calling it quits. This is in my nature, my upbringing and the attitute of trying everything to fix something before shopping for something new is a core value of mine (Not just in relationships but basically for everything in my life as well).

With that being said I do see some merit in what you are saying here - her hoping to get a free ride by appearing to appease something she has no intention of doing so - definitely will keep this in mind for future reference.

However, I genuenly dont think that she is coming from this place or at the moment I have no reason to believe so - thus I am willing to give her the benefit of doubt at this point.

She does have mental issues with regards to intimacy and from what I can tell she is willing to work and improve on them - I just dont really know what I can do from my side and as from MRP principles that can help this specific situation.

[–]NabroleonBonaparte2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am the type of man to give 100% and go all the way before calling it quits. This is in my nature, my upbringing, and my attitude of trying everything to fix something before shopping for something new is a core value of mine...

That’s very clear; and I don’t want to come off as if I’m saying I know what’s right or wrong.

The “fixer” mentality is something discussed in “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” It’s usually associated with perfectionism, approval-seeking, and low self-esteem. That personality tends to form due to an unhealthy parenting dynamic (usually an overprotective mother or single mother who is codependent on her child for her happiness).

When I mentioned her mental health, I’m not implying that she’s evil and calculating or faking it, I’m saying that she probably isn’t self-aware and feels good when you “help” her, so she perceives that warm feeling as love. I’m making the prediction that if she does stabilize mentally, she might realize one day that she doesn’t actually love you and is only in the relationship because she feels obligated to be nice to you in return. This will be noticeable to you when she becomes distant again, she’ll start hanging out with another guy she meets, and then get mad at you when you tell her it isn’t respectful (it isn’t).

She’ll get mad at you because your protesting is thwarting her subconscious escape plan from a false relationship. Most women aren’t evil, this situation just happens due to unsettled emotional issues and getting involved with oblivious persistent men.

Not saying I’m correct, I’m just describing a pattern I’ve seen and what I learned reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”

To end this comment, I’d ponder would you do this if this was the same scenario but instead of her, it was a random man that you never met, and that would never talk to you after you fix him?

If no, then it may be a sign that you’re more concerned with forcing this specific woman into your idea of a relationship instead of dedicating this effort into learning yourself and finding a woman that you’re actually compatible with.

[–]redwall92-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you should keep talking to her about sex and marriage and your expectations. If you don't want to marry her just yet, more talk will definitely get her to a place where she's hoOorny as fuck.

So marry her.

Or just talk more.

Sexytimes are sure to come...

[–]UnbreakableFrameGrinding0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

What is this purplepill faggotry? Making her feel "safe"? Bitches are fawning over a dude like Ted Bundy and you think that this woman's bluepilled husband is making her feel unsafe? What a crock of shit.

[–]donmcde0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Uh huh, talk shit all the time about women who are sexual and how that's not attractive, then expect a woman that always hears that from you want to be a slut for you. Let me know how that works out.

[–]UnbreakableFrameGrinding0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Who said anything about talking shit about women who are sexual? Whose argument are you rebutting?

[–]learn-relearn0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dude, get the fuck out of there. It will never work with such unbalanced needs and expressions. You might get some good runs where you get it a bit more than usual, but it'll never become what you want.

Most mrp is dudes trying to improve their situation because they either can't or don't want to leave due to family etc, you have the option to run, so do so.

Even if as you say, you're not the most attractive man, you'll still be able to find someone who actually wants to fuck, so have more confidence and self worth and don't settle for something that leaves you unhappy. Life's too short for that.

[–]dellboy180 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Since the beginning of the relationship, the problems were there and you still pushed forward.

Yeah op may be the problem but he signed up for low sex and now wants to change her.

Apply 1 month of dread for every year of beta bux

[–]abratoki[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Have been applying it for sometime and the changes are definitely there. Yes I did indeed sign up for it - with both herself and I recognizing the problem and willing to act ti improve. We are both at a point where we are lost on how to proceed forward specifically on this point.

[–]dellboy181 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

3-4 months really isn't a while,

You are still trying to negotiate attraction. Stop focusing on her. Focus on making yourself attractive.

Worst case scenario, you may have to leave to get the kind of sex life you want. Should you need to eject, at least your new attractiveness will be a parachute. First thing first, lift and sidebar for a year minimum. Less talk more action

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Gee Gomer , she sounds like a real keeper.

If you've been lurking you'd know this belongs on /r/askmrp. Repost there.

[–]abratoki[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

To be frank, I do think she is a real keeper except this issue.

Whilst sex is without argument a very important aspect of the relationship - even if it would be perfect would encompass about 5%- 10%of our relationship timewise.

Based on my ethics and values I am not the man that hits next because of this but would rather build on what we have and fix problems.

I fully understand the ramifications and consequences of my actions (unfulfilled sex life) hence me asking for help.

[–]red-sfpplustells 1000 lb club pussies to fuck off0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Must suck to be ugly.

[–]abratoki[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes it indeed does that I am not the most handsome person in the world - still trying to make the make the best of it by lifting and improved self hygiene and a well groomed beard and the point is that I never had such problems with other women.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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