Since I just missed this week's OYS thread... I'm brand new here and damn glad to have found this sub. I've been reading Chateau and /u/Rollo-Tomasi's blog for about a year, have read and re-read all the posts in the wiki, and am working my way through NMMNG and then will start WISNIFG. MMSL is on my Kindle waiting its turn. Lots of the TRP discussion doesn't seem relevant because I'm a grown-ass, established-career man in a stable LTR, but I'm not married so I'm not sure this is the right venue either. I seek education.

About me: mid 40s, divorced 6 years after a 19-year marriage during which I was a terrible beta. Every blue pill mistake you can imagine, I made it. After my divorce, I instinctively started doing some RP things, even without knowing what they were, but I didn't really understand (much less) have frame:

  • I started lifting. My Wilks is 269 and climbing. (B 225, S 325, D 395, at 6'3" and 200). I typically lift 3x/week. About 14% BF; I could improve my diet, for sure, to get leaner.
  • I started running, then started running triathlons. I'm not first, but I'm not last, and I've been steadily getting faster. I'm either running, biking, or swimming 3x/week.
  • I got my pilot's license and bought an airplane-- a terrific if expensive and exacting hobby. Combined with triathlon, I get to travel to interesting places and do cool shit.
  • I spun plates. As a decent-looking, fit, confident middle-aged man in my area, I have a high relative SMV and there are lots of fit, cute, athletic women that are DTF in my social circles.

My story I'm in an 2.5 year LTR with an emotionally stable, pleasant, feminine woman 5 years my junior. I was doing all of the above when I met her, so she's never seen the "old" me. She is good-natured, nurturing, and feminine, has a respectable professional job, manages her finances and life well, and isn't clingy or needy. Her job is stressful, and she is a bit of a complainer-- never about me (no, really, not even once that I can think of), but in general. We both have kids at home and 50/50 custody, and our exes both live nearby. Best case, I spend every other weekend and 3-4 weekdays with her when we don't have kids. My travel schedule often means that I'm out of town when I don't have kids. That means, realistically, I'm with her maybe 6-7 nights a month.

We've talked in general terms about getting married. I am ready to settle down. The kid-related logistics (neither of us can easily move from our school districts, for example) mean that we've decided to wait until my youngest is off to college. That's good, because right now I'm not sure that I would marry her immediately if I could: over the last 6 months or so she has mostly stopped initiating sex. Before then, she initiated so often that I have rarely had to initiate on my own. I've come to realize that I had a covert contract: “when we are together we will have sex, which you will initiate”. Her constant violation of that contract left me frequently pissed off and resentful. I've had enough of feeling that way, and it's up to me to change it.

My questions

  • Not a question, but: I'm racking my brain trying to identify shit tests she's given me but I'm coming up blank. Maybe the shit test is that there are no shit tests. More likely I'm not smart enough to spot them. I think my homework for next week's OYS is to try to spot them.
  • We already spend most of our time apart, so I'm having a hard time to figure out how to withdraw attention . Avoiding texts, etc can work when we're apart, but when I'm at her house and get a hard "no", leaving carries a super strong whiff of butthurt. Since I am there primarily in the late evenings, and it isn't my house, I don't really have an escape route other than to up and leave.
  • I've plateaued on the self-improvement front; I'm already lifting and, between training and flying, don't have a lot of bandwidth or money for any more cool hobbies. I feel like adding something (language classes? cooking?) would be helpful though.
  • Because we're not married, I don't have nearly as many opportunities to be the Captain. We don't share finances, we don't live together, etc. I have already started taking charge for things like picking restaurants, planning our weekend activities, etc. What else can I be doing here?
  • When you went through NMMNG, did you actually do the exercises with a group or trusted people, or just read and try to apply what you'd learned? I have a great group of casual activity bros to run, ride, etc with. Maybe I need to work on developing those male friendships as a self-improvement activity.