Owning Your Desires Without Negotiating Hers

November 25, 2017

Sexual needs are healthy, normal and valid. Don't let anyone (especially your wife) try to convince you otherwise or invalidate those needs. She may say things like; “Again? What’s wrong with you?”, or "I just have a low libido," or "no married people have sex that much." My wife has a good friend who is basically sexually retired at 38 years old. A few times in the past, my wife has made comparisons to this couple and how often they do (or don’t) have sex. I sarcastically just say, "and he seems like a happily married guy." (This guy has made several comments in my presence that him and his wife are not on good terms). She'll still dismiss this but deep down she realizes the subcommunication from me which says, "That might be ok for them... Not for me. You can do what you want but MY wife/girlfriend won't be like that."

You need to own and be unapologetic for your desires as a man. NEVER hide them, make light of them or act like you were "just joking," in the face of a rejection. /u/GargantuaBlarg29 has a good post on this. This is why weak and indirect initiations don't work. If rejected, and you will be sometimes , don't dwell on it in her presence. Quickly move on to something else you'd rather be doing. I've gotten to the point where I also usually withdraw from unenthusiastic sex from the wife. She gets a few points for at least acknowledging this is a need for me and trying but I just don't do duty sex, conciliatory BJs or any of that garbage anymore. My time is better spent on something else. You have to make that call yourself though. If you just discovered this magical fucking place and are basically her man-servant, for the love of God don’t walk away from starfish. I digress.

If after you've put in the work and become a man worthy of female desire, and optimized your sexual strategy to suit you (for once in your life), you should have no apprehension about making it clear that a healthy sex life is going to be a part of your relationship with some woman. It is better to communicate this through actions but some women won't get it through their female entitled heads this way or may just be "checked out” and you may have to be more direct about it.

Back to the core concepts:

Don't Try to Negotiate Desire

This is a foundational concept of Red Pill and was really hammered out by Rollo Tomassi. You see it manifested in advice here all the time. Now, for a new man here, I can see how sometimes advice given out can seem to be incongruent. For example, take these common responses/advice given on this sub regarding negotiating desire, all have a common theme of STFU and action over words:

Advice Type 1;

"That's a covert contract - you shouldn’t be doing any of this for sex...”

“No chore play”

"STFU about your feelings or talking about what you want or think you deserve - she doesn't care."

"Acta Non Verba" (don't talk to/at her about what you expect/deserve/require in your marriage). Sort of goes with STFU, doesn’t it.

Advice Type 2 comes in the form of being congruent and avoiding the covert contract;

"Stop expecting her to just know what you want."

"Be congruent with your actions, words and frame."

"Lead her" - In everyday interaction (respect, general behavior, being fun)... With what you expect from a good FO (good roommate stuff)... and in the bedroom.

List one should be your Default operating strategy. However, if she shuts you down for the third time in a row, there's nothing wrong with being direct and clear (in actions and sometimes words) about your desires as a man. This effectively kills the covert contracts cold. That's when advice to lead her out of “the maze” (source: Jack10) and owning your desires comes into play. This advice is usually handed out like this and has the common theme of being direct, leading and owning your masculinity. Another disclaimer for new men here; as BPP suggests , you have to work up to this level of owning your wants overtly. If you haven't passed Dread Level 0 (stop being a pussy), then don't delve into this yet.

Know what you value and know how to act congruently with that while simultaneously not expecting anything from your wife. She technically doesn’t owe you anything, nor do you owe her anything (this is true OI).

Whether you’re getting consistent pussy or not isn’t the issue or focus of this post. Remember that MRP saves the man and empowers him, but makes no promises about the woman following or the marriage thriving. Being open about your desires (with the wife and yourself) is the only way to own your desire without covert contracts. I remember one time about a year ago, I made it clear with my hands, eyes and proximity that I wanted to fuck. She said, “jeez, again? You’re horny all the time.” I said, “lucky you... you’ve got yourself a real man with a real sex drive.” Just be honest about it.

Here’s the key to this concept: You don’t actually have to be getting consistent sex to successfully pull this off. Read that sentence a few times. It doesn’t matter if your sexual advances are being rejected (to a point), it matters that you aren’t negotiating, pleading, bribing or “trading” to get her desire. Is she still not consistently putting out (i.e. less “yes” and more “not tonight”)? Well, then have a plan for that, one that fits into your larger sexual strategy. Have a plan, phased if you must, but have a plan to get your desire, that you’ve owned, fulfilled one way or another. But in the meantime, whatever you do, don’t negotiate it.

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Post Information
Title Owning Your Desires Without Negotiating Hers
Author JDRoedell
Upvotes 96
Comments 23
Date November 25, 2017 7:06 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MarriedRedPill
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/owning-your-desires-without-negotiating-hers.198307
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/7fh7rv/owning_your_desires_without_negotiating_hers/
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