I've heard it said a million times, and even here on MRP it's taken as gospel: actions are more powerful than words.
It's true. That's why us newer guys are told to lift heavy, read the recommended stuff, and SHUT THE FUCK UP. As with all advice, however, one also has to know when is the time to move beyond the basics. That's where I find myself in my redpill journey: eight months in and I've finally got a second decent thought to contribute. Here's a link to my previous MRP post from five months ago for you lazy fuckers: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/aol8ro/reasonable_requests_versus_testing_false_positives/
A few months ago, my father-in-law called me up after I walked out during one of the wife's full on tirades. I didn't say a word to her, I just left. I went to work the next day having not spoken to her and I got his call that afternoon. The wife thought I was gone for good, and to be honest I was on the fence about returning. Father-in-law reminded me that the most important thing was our two year old daughter (obviously) and that growing up in a broken home isn't best for her (also, obviously). I told him that neither was her growing up in a marriage where I am treated poorly and I keep coming back for more. I said that if the wife wasn't going to move beyond things from the past then it doesn't matter what I do.
He said, "then come what may."
I thought about those words for a long time. I had been projecting my frame just fine in that situation, but my outcome independence was nowhere near the level it should have been. Here is a fucking Army Ranger preaching outcome independence even if it means his little girl is going to be a divorced single mother. I've never respected that man more than I did in that moment. It was definitely a gut check.
There's a difference between formulating a plan and being an anxious little bitch, and I was the latter. I was so preoccupied with how things might go down in a divorce that I was rudderless. Not recommended.
I returned, handled the situation well, and over the past few months things got better between the wife and I. Sex quality and frequency slowly improved, and she began stepping into my frame. Once just after sex my wife said, "I feel like I'm on probation and that you're just waiting for me to fuck up so you can leave me." I kissed her on the forehead and simply told her I loved her, and the next day we spent a wonderful day together as a family. Dread is a hell of a drug.
I've stopped pandering to her insecurities, but I never forgot those words - then come what may - and the true lesson of outcome independence.
Sometimes my wife still gets paranoid that I might react poorly and act like a beta bitch. She'll say, "I thought you were going to be mad at me." I'll just smile and wag my finger at her. "Bad wifey." Then she's shaking her head and smiling at me. I'm still not great about complimenting her when she does a good job and I need to improve at seduction, but at least she is stepping into my frame.
The point is that without true outcome independence and a strong frame for your wife to step into, there's no way you're ready to start leading her to a better marriage or connecting with her. I was silent, dismissive, and indifferent to the point where she was still paranoid about the past creeping back up. I needed to start filling that void with my frame.
Which leads me back to my original point; you have to know when it's time to start saying something.
If you don't have something truly meaningful to say, then by all means SHUT THE FUCK UP. Once you've gained outcome independence and your wife is beginning to enter your frame, however, you can begin to lead her (and your kids) by using your words to broadcast your actions. You absolutely have to follow through on what you say.
How to Not Fuck This Up: Power Phrases and Brevity.
More than likely you're not ready to start talking. However, if you are going to start moving beyond SHUTTING THE FUCK UP then let me put a couple of choice phrases in your toolbox. Many of these were suggested by other MRP veterans, but I don't have the time to hunt down sources so just assume that I stole this shit. The most important part is to say very little.
- Saying "I got this" before you take control of a situation builds a lot of stock in those words so you can use them later to assert your leadership.
- Saying "It's going to be okay" consistently during comfort tests is an easy way to turn your wife into Pavlov's dog, except it's going to be her pussy that's wet.
- Saying "I understand why you feel that way" when she's upset maintains your control. Your wife is even more tired of your defending and explaining yourself than you are; she just wants to feel heard and understood.
In all of those situations you should ask yourself, "what's the most powerful thing I can say right now." If you don't have a solid answer then shut the fuck up. Once you're ready, having a few go-to power phrases can make a big difference.