This question comes up a lot here and on TRP and I just got yet another PM about it, so I figured I'd put this out more generally: a dozen ways to nip a false DV charge in the bud before it becomes a problem. But two things to note in advance:

  • This is designed for those in live-in LTRs/married people. The list would require significant adjustment for singles.

  • This is all based on risk assessment. I'm assuming you're conscious enough of your relationship to know whether you're in a (1) high-risk situation, and therefore need to be doing most of these things, (2) a low-risk situation, so you probably only need to worry about the easy ones, or (3) if you're in an extremely low-risk situation, thus can ignore this altogether (which I hope is the case for most of you).

  1. Call the cops in advance. Tell them your wife is mentally unstable and you're afraid she will file false allegations when she finds out you're seeking divorce. Actual DV perpetrators think they can get away with it. No one plans to commit a crime, then calls the cops to tell them, "Keep an eye out, I'm about to get accused of committing a crime." I had a case where a guy did this and with nothing more, this alone was enough to persuade the judge that she was making it up.

  2. Record one conversation a day where you're talking cordially. An underlying question in DV and CPO cases is whether or not she's actually afraid of you. If you can show several days after the alleged abuse (noting that you don't know when she will allege it) that she's still talking to you normally, the same as before, it casts a lot of doubt on her and usually is enough on its own to beat the charges. The key is to have conversations both before and after the alleged charge date. Since there is no actual offense, it means you probably need to have a week's worth of recordings. If she doesn't make the accusation when you think she will and the risk seems to drop, just drop the frequency of your recordings to whatever you feel comfortable with - but as long as that risk is there don't let it go longer than 1 week.

  3. Maintain a log of where you are at all times. Let Google track your location constantly. I was impressed when I wanted to go to a bakery that I hadn't been to in 3 years, so I googled it and Google said, "You last visited ____ on [date]." When I clicked on that date, it showed a map of everywhere I had driven that day and what time of day I was at each location. That's creepy as heck ... especially when I found out it had this information for literally every day I've had google maps on my phone. Nevertheless, this is great for proving an alibi. If you weren't at home when she said it happened, you win.

  4. Keep friends or witnesses around whenever you're together, otherwise record any time you're alone around her.

  5. Keep yourself clean of all drugs and alcohol and don't let any drugs/alcohol containers sit around your house. "He got drunk/high" is the easiest way to explain why your version of the facts don't line up with hers. Don't give her that fuel.

  6. Ask her to go to marriage counseling, then hand select a counselor who will give each of you the MMPI-2 to assess for mental health issues before the counseling actually begins. This is essentially a way to trick her into revealing her mental instability, while simultaneously getting a professional witness on your side about how crazy she is. ^FN1

  7. If she won't go to counseling, submit yourself to individual counseling and get an MMPI-2 done as part of the process, then feed the counselor your version of events and your preemptive concerns. This is extremely persuasive. When you have a relationship with a counselor who finds you generally sane (albeit under stress, justifying your meetings), trusts you, has data to back up that you're sane and trustworthy, and sees that you "called it" before it happened ... that's your best witness right there. ^FN1

  8. Keep a journal of her erratic behaviors, or just a journal in general. Journals are admissible evidence if they are recorded immediately after an occurrence. Although much of the content might be hearsay, the "present sense impression" rule in most states' rules of evidence allows it as evidence of your mental state and perceptions at the time of or immediately after a situation occurred. Also, if you have log entries for every day and just happen to be lacking any appreciable information about having abused her, it might look self-serving, but if the journal shows other times when you've explained fights between the two of you, if you don't have any arguments recorded on that particular day, that's going to look fishy against her story. Also, she might make up crap on a day when you literally can't remember what you were doing, so journals are great for refreshing your recollection.

  9. Record conversions with your kids about weird stuff she does. Make it sound natural, not like an interrogation. Although the kids can't testify, a GAL can, and if she manages to manipulate the kids after-the-fact (parental alienation behaviors, for example), you at least have them on recording saying the truth. It might not be admissible, but it's still persuasive to a GAL. Be sure to include 5-10 minutes on the recording before and after you talk to the kids to demonstrate you didn't coach them right before the recording started and there was no de-brief session afterward.

  10. Document any lies or inconsistent statements from her to demonstrate her lack of credibility. Keep all of your text messages and e-mail exchanges. Keep your conversation log positive and even flirty. The more emojis she uses in response the better - this proves she's not really frightened of you and doesn't perceive you as a threat, or even that she responds well to aggressive flirtation, which could put a different spin on her version of events if the judge believes she might have been asking for it because she likes it when you get a little dominant and rough. I literally had a case where an unmarried couple (but living together) were having rough sex and managed to get the case thrown out on the grounds that we proved the woman had a history of liking rough sex and was texting her man about how she wanted him to rough her up.

  11. Snoop through her chrome or IE settings to get her passwords and install a key logger. Many women actually admit this stuff either before or after the fact in writing with their lawyer or close friends, if you can get access. Even if your state won't allow this type of evidence to be admissible, the knowledge you can acquire is invaluable all the same.

  12. Have a close mutual friend ask her in private and record the conversation: "I heard you two are having troubles. Has he been violent or abusive at all? Are you afraid he might get that way?" Mutual friends are usually willing to help establish a record to avoid false allegations because they don't want either party to be dealt with unfairly. Just don't expect them to lie for you; they're typically more interested in fighting against lies.

^FN1 A note about counseling: RP usually advises against it. Why? Because they give horrible marriage advice. But if you're that worried that your spouse is going to start throwing around false DV charges, I'd be less interested in being attractive to my wife and more interested in avoiding jail. Attending marriage counseling here is not about fixing your marriage; it's about covering your butt.